Many couples suffer from HALF communication. What is ‘HALF’ communication? It’s communication that falls short of reaching your goal of connecting with your spouse.
HALF communication is:
- Hard
- Annoying
- Limiting
- Frustrating
In this kind of communication, it’s hard to connect, which becomes annoying because it is so limiting in it’s scope. No real depth. This makes it extremely frustrating.
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There is a simple way to turn things around. By simply asking yourself one basic question, you can shift your own mindset, and change the direction and trajectory of your relationship.
It’s not a one time question, however. It is a question you need to ask yourself regularly.
What’s the question?
So, what’s the big question that can change your marriage?
Ask yourself, ‘What’s in it for them?’
This is a question author Joe Polish said changed his life.
He writes:
“By asking this question, you shift the focus off you and onto the ways you can be useful to others.
You get out of the transactional networking mindset and start to form transformational, meaningful, and collaborative relationships (which are usually ELF, by the way – Easy, Lucrative, Fun).
Asking this question over and over lets you connect with people by figuring out what they need, helping them get it, and making their lives better.
In A very real way, by asking this question, you7’re reducing other people’s suffering. By reducing others’ suffering, you become a magetic and valuable person whom people value and want to collaborate with.”
Book: What’s In It For Them?
What happens when this takes place?
Polish continues…
“…you reduce your own suffering, improve your own life, and make the world a better place.”
I agree.
While Joe is talking about business relationships, this applies to marriage as well.
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In fact, in my opinion it is the best way to approach marriage relationships.
It’s based on the principle we talk about in the story of men with no elbows.
If all we think about is our own needs, wants, and desires, we cut ourselves off from real connection.
Marriage is an upside down kingdom. The more we think about ourselves, the more miserable we become. Share on XThe mystery is, when we focus on others (our spouse) and what they want, need, and desire, we find that our needs are met.
Marriage is an upside down kingdom. The more we think about ourselves, the more miserable we become.
The more we focus on serving our partner (don’t be offended by this word, it simply means doing something for your partner that you know they would like. ), the happier we become.
Like I said, it’s a mystery. But it’s true.
Let’s break the question down and see what’s under the hood.
When we ask: What’s in it for them?, we are probing to find out what their needs are. What are their pain points in life? What do they need? and what are they looking for?
The goal is to discover these things, so we can find ways to meet those needs.
Polish calls this becoming a pain detective.
When you seek to find out what causes suffering (pain, disappointment, regret, and discomfort) in people, you can build a bridge to serve that person and help alleviate the pain.
This can’t (and won’t) happen if all we think about is ourselves.
The type of marriage you build is based on the things you continually imagine and think about your relationship. Share on XImagine a marriage where both partners are always on the lookout for each other. Where each one wants to find ways to help, support, and serve the other.
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Before you shake your head in disbelief, I want you to know it is possible.
Sure, it takes work, energy, and effort. But it can happen. And when it does, it is magical.
Get this picture in your mind. Because you are always building something in your relationship; the tools you use is your beliefs, thoughts, and imagination.
The type of marriage you build is based on the things you continually imagine and think about your relationship.
We make marriage harder than it needs to be. The more you focus on yourself, the harder it becomes to get your needs met.
Remember, this is an upside down marriage kingdom. It operates on different rules.
In our marriage bootcamp, we spend an entire section on creating the right mindset and perspective because you will never rise above your thought life.
If you believe the wrong things, and operate on the wrong principles, you will not create the marriage of your dreams.
Zig Ziglar used to say:
You can have everything you want in life, IF you help other people get what they want in life!
Dana Brownlee (Forbes contributor) says:
When someone else is talking, very often we’re not really listening to their point or concern. Instead, too often we quickly decide that we know their point and immediately focus our mental energy into formulating our response.
True listening involves fully focusing on the speaker without distractions.
We can take this a step further.
The Harvard Business Review indicates that active listening is not just about listening. It’s not about absorbing a conversation like a sponge. Instead, we are to be like trampolines, bouncing the conversation back and forth. This shows engagement.
We’ve all experienced those conversations where the other person grunted ‘uh-hu’ without making eye contact. This is not engagement. This is passive absorption. No one enjoys that.
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When we ask a question, we shouldn’t just passively let the other person talk. We should engage them. Explore the conversation. Help them dig deeper.
Being actively engaged helps people understand better and builds stronger relationships because it shows the speaker that they are truly listened to and appreciated. Share on XThis makes communication exciting and rewarding. We are learning about our partner, not just mindlessly letting them ramble on.
Being actively engaged helps people understand better and builds stronger relationships because it shows the speaker that they are truly listened to and appreciated.
Let’s be honest. Communication is one of the keys to success in marriage.
If you want to read Joe’s book, click the link below…
4 Results Of Practicing Good Communication Skills
Once you implement the question (what’s in it for them?), you will find communication moves to a higher level.
Here are four things that happen as a result:
1) Building Trust and Being Kind
In a marriage, it’s super important to trust and be kind to each other.
This means both people should have a say in decisions, listen to each other’s ideas, and make each other feel important and loved.
2) Talking and Listening Better
When couples really get involved in conversations and share their thoughts, it helps them understand each other better.
This means they can talk about anything, knowing their partner cares about what they have to say. This helps build a stronger, more trusting relationship.
3) Working Together as a Team
When married couples do things together and support each other, it makes them feel like a strong team.
Whether it’s planning for the future, solving problems, or just doing daily tasks, working together makes the bond between them stronger.
4) Understanding and Empathy
Good communication is key in a marriage because it helps both people understand each other better and makes their relationship stronger.
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When couples talk openly, listen carefully, and support each other, it makes their marriage happier and more united.
Learning How To Connect When You Communicate Is The Goal
Dialog is not the end goal of communication. Sure, it’s part of it. But it is not the major goal. Connection is the goal.
That’s why we put together our marriage bootcamp – to help couples learn the skill and art of effective communication.
Here’s what you should do next…
I want to help you develop better communication skills so you can connect on a deeper level with your spouse.
That’s why we created the ‘Marriage Communication Bootcamp‘ where you will learn:
- The 4 types of communication; and why 3 of them will destroy your marriage if you do not practice the 4th.
- Why only 7% of communication is comprised of the words you speak; and how to identify the other 93%
- The 13 Skills (and how to develop them) every couple MUST have to make their marriage thrive.
- The 6 Pillars all effective communication is built on; and how to make sure they are a part of your marriage.
- A step-by-step process of moving a conversation to the point of intimacy and connection.
This course is designed to create connection, not just ‘talking skills.’ If you desire a deeper bond and stronger connection in your marriage, click the button below to go to the next page to get access to over 15 practical exercises that will help you communicate more effectively; AND feel more connected with your spouse.
Where To Find Help
We have resources available to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve.
The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.
Five Simple Steps Marriage Course
Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini-series, you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.
Marriage Communication Bootcamp
Communication issues do not have to wreck your relationship. Our communication bootcamp will equip you to connect on a deeper level and cultivate skills to help you relate more effectively.
The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs, and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.
Healthy Marriage Academy
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.
