We cover 20 of the most important principles of effective communication in marriage. Discover why communication techniques, methods, and tricks do not work, and how to build your communication on these important foundational principles instead.

Article At A Glance

• Why principles trump techniques and methods for effective communication
• The top 20 principles for effective communication in your relationship
• Knowing the purpose in communication gives you a leg up
• How to build on the right principles to get where you want to be in your marriage

Emerson once said:

“As to methods there may be a million and then some, but principles are few. The man who grasps principles can successfully select his own methods. The man who tries methods, ignoring principles, is sure to have trouble.”

I’ve found this absolutely true in marriage. Especially when it comes to communication.

There are solid (fixed) principles that govern effective communication.

Unfortunately, many couples resort to techniques, tricks, and methods, but avoid the principles that make them work.

Principles Vs Techniques and Methods

So, what’s the difference in a techinque and a principle?

A technique is a strategy or method used to convey a message.

A principle is the foundation that method is built upon.

Here’s an example. I’ll start with a principle…

The principle of clarity.

Clarity makes sure what we are trying to communicate is clear and to the point. No mixed messages. No vague accusations. No misunderstandings.

If the message isn’t clear, you really haven’t communicated.

Communication is not about what you say, but what your partner hears and understands.

This is why the principle of clarity is so important. It makes sure our message resonates with our spouse. We all know what it is like to miscommunicate.

A technique we often use is active listening.

Active listening involves fully concentrating on what your partner is saying and providing feedback. There is more to it, but this gives you the idea.

The problem is, you can practice active listening and completely miss the goal of clarity.

I’ve seen couples listen intently only to find ammunition to throw back at their partner. They missed the purpose.

You want clarity so you can have understanding. Understanding leads to empathy. And empathy is the pathway to connection.

In other words, you can ‘do the technique’ and totally blow it if you fail to build on the right principles.

The Difference In Purpose and Practice

To be clear, there is nothing wrong (necessarily) with using a technique. As long as you adhere to the right principle.

Here’s one way to look at the difference between methods and principles…

Purpose and practice in Effective Communication

• Principles give you purpose.
• Techniques give you practice (how to do it).

You can have a practice (use a method or technique) that completely misses the purpose (the real goal of understanding and connecting with your spouse).

For example…

Tom and Janice were having problems connecting.

They loved each other deeply, but their conversations often ended in misunderstandings and frustration.

During our session, they shared how they had tried techniques like active listening, and had done a few exercises to help them put this into practice.

They were frustrated because even though they used this method, they still found themselves arguing and feeling disconnected.

I then explained a few principles of healthy, effective communication.

The one I focused on was clarity. Making sure they were actually hearing each other and understanding the ‘heart beat’ of what their partner was saying.

This is the essence of clarity. Truly understanding the ‘why’ behind the words.

They decided to focus more on what each other was saying instead of a mechanically following a set of instructions about communication.

Here’s a snapshot of one piece of that conversation:

Janice said: “When you come home late without letting me know, I feel worried and unimportant. I need to know that you value our time together.”

Tom listened carefully and responded:

“I understand how you feel. I don’t mean to make you feel that way. Sometimes, I get caught up at work and forget to call. I will make an effort to communicate better.”

By focusing on the principle of clarity, they were able to select the most appropriate methods to convey their thoughts and feelings.

Principles and techniques work in tandem. But I hope you see the difference.

Principles keep you grounded in the purpose of your relationship – connecting.

Methods are the road you use to get there.

Never start driving without knowing where you are going. At least when it comes to effective communication.

By understanding the principles (the purpose), you will be able to use the best methods and techniques to accomplish your goal.

Next, let’s look at our top 20 effective communication principles that help couples discover, connect, and create lasting bonds in their marriage.

20 Principles Of Effective Communication In Marriage

Effective communication in marriage starts with active listening. Imagine you’re playing catch. To keep the game going, you need to catch the ball first before throwing it back. Listen to your partner’s words like catching that ball. Understand their viewpoint. It’s crucial.

Use ‘I’ statements. Say “I feel” instead of “You always.” This shows respect and avoids blame. Timing matters too. Pick the right moment for important talks. Ever tried talking in the middle of a loud concert? Not the best time, right?

Be clear and concise. Think of it like sending a text message. Keep it short and to the point. Foster emotional intelligence. This is like being a good gardener. Know when to water (express) and when to trim (manage) your feelings.

Nonverbal signals are your secret weapon. Eye contact builds trust. Think of it as a handshake for the soul. Regular check-ins are like routine car maintenance. They prevent bigger problems down the road.

Healthy boundaries are key. They’re like the rules of a game. They keep play fair and enjoyable. By following these principles, you’re setting the stage for a stronger connection and deeper trust.

Remember, it’s a journey. Just like peeling an onion, there are always more layers to uncover. For more insights, check out John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. (affiliate link)” It’s packed with wisdom and practical advice. You’ll find it’s like having a map for this journey, guiding you to a happier, healthier relationship.

#1 Active Listening

How often do you really listen to your partner without any distractions?

Giving full attention shows you care about their words. Notice their tone and let pauses happen. This helps you understand their feelings better.

When you sit up and face them, you’re showing you’re engaged. Reflective summarizing is crucial—repeat back what you hear to make sure you got it right. Don’t interrupt; let them finish. Nodding and making eye contact show you’re there and you care.

These skills are like learning a dance. You don’t just jump in; you practice the steps.

Good listeners help build trust and connection. By practicing active listening, you create a sense of belonging and trust. Misunderstandings will happen less, and your bond will get stronger.

This leads to a more harmonious and loving relationship.

#2 Respect

Respect is the cornerstone of effective communication in a marriage. Think of it like the rhythm in a dance. When you respect boundaries, you’re in sync with your partner’s needs and limits, creating a beautiful harmony.

This respect isn’t just handed out—it’s earned. It comes from daily actions that show you value each other. For example, practicing respectful silence can be powerful. It means listening without interrupting and letting your partner share their thoughts fully.

Sometimes, it’s about giving respectful space. It’s like letting a plant grow; you provide room for reflection and personal growth. By avoiding hurtful language and focusing on empathy, you build a foundation where both of you feel valued and understood.

Remember, words can hurt, and the damage can be long-lasting. Respecting your partner’s feelings, opinions, and values fosters a positive environment that encourages open and honest communication.

David Christopher, LMFT

Respect is cultivated through daily acts of kindness and consideration. It’s like watering that plant every day, creating a safe space for open and honest communication.

Couples who practice these small acts of respect are more likely to have lasting and happy marriages. Make those small changes and watch your relationship blossom.

#3 Proper Timing

Picking the right moment for important talks can change everything in a marriage. Timing is key.

Morning chats can set a good mood for the day. Bedtime talks give you a chance to connect before sleep. Quick check-ins during the week help keep things clear and avoid mix-ups. Sunset talks offer a calm setting for deep chats. Evening reflections let you review the day together.

It’s best to avoid big talks when you’re tired, hungry, or busy. Find a private, comfy spot with no interruptions.

Regular check-ins, like a ‘state of the union‘ talk, can keep communication open. This makes both of you feel connected and understood.

Think of it like dancing. You need the right rhythm and timing to move well together. Timing your talks right can make them more effective.

#4 Clarity

After picking the right moment for a chat, clarity in communication can save your marriage from misunderstandings and conflicts. Think of it like a roadmap. Set clear expectations and keep your words simple, like road signs that everyone can read.

Remember, how you sequence your message matters. Present your thoughts step-by-step to avoid any detours.

Don’t forget your tone. A calm and respectful tone is like smooth jazz; it sets the mood just right.

Also, consider the context. Different situations call for different approaches, much like how you’d dress differently for a beach party than a formal dinner.

By focusing on these elements, you create a harmonious relationship. It’s like tuning an instrument; get it right, and you make beautiful music together.

For more insights, you might want to check out ‘The 5 Love Languages‘ by Gary Chapman (affiliate link). It offers great tips for improving communication and understanding in relationships.

#5 Seek To Understand

Understanding your partner’s perspective is key to good communication in marriage. Think of it like dancing—both partners need to be in sync. Practicing Emotional Intelligence with mindful approaches helps you see things from your partner’s viewpoint. This means listening without interrupting or judging. It builds trust and intimacy.

Let’s break it down:

Action	Benefit	Practice Example
Perspective Shifting	Reduces Misunderstandings	“What do you think about this?”
Empathic Responding	Builds Trust	“I understand how you feel.”
Deeper Reflection	Enhances Connection	“Tell me more about your day.”
Mindful Approaches	Prevents Assumptions	“Let’s take a moment to breathe.”
Open-Ended Questions	Encourages Sharing	“How did that make you feel?”

Let’s dive deeper. Imagine you’re both chefs in a kitchen. If one of you is always adding salt without consulting the other, the dish might turn out too salty. Asking open-ended questions is like tasting the dish together—“How did that make you feel?” allows for a richer flavor in your conversation.

Couples who understand each other stay together longer. So, asking questions and really listening can be like adding the perfect spices to your relationship.

#6 Avoid Criticism and Blame

When you try to understand your partner, it’s crucial to avoid criticism and blame. These habits can ruin a conversation and make your partner feel attacked.

Think of it like a dance – you need to move together, not against each other. Criticism and blame can turn a gentle waltz into a chaotic stomp.

Instead, use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings. Say, ‘I feel upset when…’ instead of ‘You always…’. This keeps the conversation open and friendly.

Avoiding blame helps build emotional safety.

Imagine you’re building a house. Blame and criticism are like termites, slowly destroying the foundation. Positive communication, on the other hand, is like strong bricks that make your relationship sturdy.

By choosing blameless communication, you create a safe space for both of you to share openly. This leads to better understanding, intimacy, and a sense of belonging.

#7 Physical Touch

Physical touch is like the glue that holds a marriage together. Simple gestures, like holding hands or sharing a hug, can make a world of difference. These actions build a deep sense of connection and trust between partners.

Imagine your relationship as a garden. Regular physical touch is the water that helps it grow.

Studies show that even small touches can reduce stress and anxiety. When you hug or cuddle, you release oxytocin, the ‘love hormone,’ which makes you both feel secure and valued.

Think of adding sensual massages to your routine as planting new seeds. It brings you closer and makes your bond stronger.

These actions speak louder than words, showing love and care without saying a thing.

#8 Spiritual Connection

Just as a hug comforts your body, a spiritual connection soothes your soul in a marriage. Sharing faith and values strengthens your bond. It gives you a sense of unity and purpose. When you pray or meditate together, it’s like weaving threads that create a strong fabric of love.

Think of these practices like the steps in a dance:

1. Go to religious services together. It’s like tuning your instruments to the same pitch.
2. Pray or meditate daily. This is your daily rehearsal, keeping you in sync.
3. Read scriptures or have spiritual talks. These are like learning new dance steps.
4. Celebrate religious holidays and rituals. These are your grand performances, showcasing your unity.

Consider the wisdom from “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. He talks about how shared activities deepen your connection. Spiritual practices work the same way. They nurture your relationship and help you grow together.

Engaging in these activities isn’t just about faith. It’s about building a strong, loving bond. So, why not give it a try? You might find that your relationship dances to a beautiful, harmonious tune.

#9 Humor

Laughter is like a magic wand in marriage. It can melt away stress and create a warm, happy vibe. Think of it as laughter therapy—sharing funny stories and playful teasing keeps things light. This can help prevent arguments and make you feel closer. Remember, a good laugh can work wonders.

Let’s break it down:

Strategy	Example	Outcome
Laughter therapy	Watch a comedy together	Relieves stress, boosts mood
Playful teasing	Gentle jokes about habits	Promotes intimacy, reduces tension
Funny anecdotes	Share childhood stories	Builds connection, understanding
Humorous surprises	Plan a joke date night	Keeps relationship lively

Imagine your marriage as a dance. Adding humor is like finding the perfect rhythm. Couples who laugh together stay together. So, sprinkle humor into your daily life. Share a silly joke, plan a surprise prank, or reminisce about funny moments.

For example, watch a comedy show together. It’s an easy way to de-stress and lift your spirits. Or, tease each other gently about little habits. This can bring you closer and lighten the mood.

Surprises with a humorous twist can also keep things exciting. Plan a joke-filled date night, and you’ll create memories that keep your bond strong.

Incorporate humor, and you’ll see your communication transform. It becomes more effective and enjoyable. Use laughter to build a joyful, resilient marriage.

#10 Teammates Not Competitors

In marriage, seeing your partner as a teammate, not a competitor, can change how you handle challenges. Think of it like a sports team—working together is the key to winning. This mindset builds Shared Goals, Mutual Respect, and a United Front, making you both feel like you belong and succeed together.

When you adopt this mindset, you can make significant changes in your relationship. You will:

• Set Shared Goals: Sit down and decide what you both want. Imagine it like planning a road trip—agree on the destination and the route.
• Make Joint Decisions: Talk through important choices so both of you feel heard. It’s like choosing a movie together; everyone gets a say.
• Show Mutual Respect: Appreciate each other’s thoughts and efforts. Think of it like a dance—both partners need to value each other’s moves.
• Present a United Front: Always support each other, whether in public or private. Picture it as being a strong, united team on and off the field.

#11 Validate Your Mate

Validating your mate is like watering a plant. It helps their feelings and perspectives grow. When you listen actively, you show you care about their experiences. Think of it like mirroring their emotions back to them. This builds trust and connection.

Dr. John Gottman found that couples who validate each other stay happier longer. So, when your partner shares their day, listen closely. Reflect their feelings back to them, like saying, ‘That sounds really tough‘ or ‘You must be so happy!’ This simple act strengthens your bond.

Imagine you’re their biggest fan at a game. Cheer for their efforts and appreciate their viewpoints. This makes them feel valued and cherished. Use heartfelt encouragement to lift them up. It’s like being a lighthouse in a storm, guiding them safely.

By doing this, you create a safe space. Both of you’ll feel understood and loved. Validation is like a cozy blanket, making your relationship warm and secure. It reminds you that you’re in this together, boosting harmony in your marriage.

Want to deepen this connection? Find out what your spouses dreams are, then set out to help them fulfill those dreams.

#12 Openness And Transparency

Openness and transparency are like the glue that holds a strong marriage together. Think of it like a dance where both partners move in harmony, guided by trust and honesty.

1. Share Your Vulnerabilities: Talk about your deepest fears and dreams. Think of it as opening a book where every page tells your story.
2. Show Your Emotions: Don’t hide your feelings. Cry, laugh, and share what’s in your heart.
3. Admit Mistakes: Own up to your slip-ups. It’s like saying, “I’m human, and I’m learning.
4. Speak Your Mind: Say what’s on your mind. No filters, just truth.

This kind of openness needs both partners to accept each other completely. Imagine it like building a house with no walls—just open space for love and understanding to flow freely.

Dr. Brené Brown, in her book ‘Daring Greatly,’ (affiliate link) talks about how vulnerability isn’t a weakness but a strength that fosters deep connection.

When both partners embrace each other’s true selves without fear of judgment, they create a bond that’s unbreakable. True intimacy grows in this open space where love and understanding reign supreme.

Now, if you’re looking to foster this kind of intimacy, consider the ‘Heartfelt Conversations’ program. It’s designed to guide couples in sharing and understanding each other on a deeper level. Imagine it as a dance class for your emotions, helping you move in sync with your partner.

#13 Express Gratitude

Gratitude can change the whole mood in your marriage. It makes both of you feel appreciated and valued. Start with the little things. Say ‘thank you’ for the small acts your partner does every day. It might seem minor, but it means a lot. A heartfelt ‘thanks’ shows you notice their efforts and care about their well-being.

Think of it like watering a plant. Each ‘thank you’ is a drop of water that helps your relationship grow. Celebrate your partner’s achievements, even the tiny ones. Use sincere praise to highlight their good qualities and actions. This can be as simple as saying, ‘I love how patient you were today.”

Expressing gratitude helps build a stronger bond. By consistently showing appreciation, you create a loving environment. Both partners feel seen and cherished, making your connection stronger.

Want to take it a step further? Try a gratitude journal. Write down one thing you appreciate about your partner each day. This small habit can have a big impact. So, start today and watch your relationship bloom.

#14 Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries in your marriage is like tending a beautiful garden. When you both know where the flowerbeds end and the pathways begin, you’ll avoid stepping on each other’s toes. Plus, your relationship will bloom!

Clear boundaries help couples thrive.

• Talk about what matters: Share your top priorities. It’s like comparing notes on which flowers to plant.
• Set emotional guardrails: Let your partner know what makes you uneasy. Picture this as marking out areas that need extra care.
• Create ‘me-time’ zones: Decide when and where you each need space to recharge. Think of it as giving each plant the sunlight it needs.
• Check-in often: Just as gardens need regular tending, so do your boundaries. Adjust them as needed.

By setting these boundaries, you’re not building walls. You’re creating a shared space where both of you feel respected and connected. This nurtures a deeper sense of belonging and intimacy.

#15 Avoid Assumptions

Assumptions can mess up your marriage. They lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. To avoid this, keep an open mind and ask questions. Don’t let unspoken expectations create silent doubts. Instead, talk openly about your feelings and thoughts.

Think about it like this: marriage is a dance. If you assume your partner knows the next step, you might both stumble. But if you communicate, you’ll move in sync.

Strategy	Benefit
Open Minds	Encourages understanding
Honest Inquiry	Clarifies intentions
Fearless Disclosure	Builds trust

If you’re unsure about something, just ask. Your partner isn’t a mind reader. Clear up any doubts right away. By talking things through, you build a deeper connection and feel more like a team.

#16 Take Responsibility

Taking responsibility in your marriage means owning your actions and saying sorry when needed. It shows true care and commitment. This builds trust and closeness.

To take responsibility, follow these steps:

1. Reflect on yourself: Think about what you do and how it affects your partner.
2. Show empathy: Understand and respect your partner’s feelings when you’ve hurt them.
3. Apologize with action: Say sorry and explain how you’ll avoid making the same mistake again.
4. Don’t blame others: Take responsibility without shifting the blame to your partner.

Think of your marriage like a dance. Just as dancers need to be in sync, you and your partner need to move together in harmony. Remember, even the best dancers stumble. It’s about getting up, learning, and moving forward together.

#17 Set Feedback Meetings To Check In

Scheduling feedback meetings regularly can make a big difference in your marriage. It’s like tuning your car—keeps things running smoothly. These check-ins give you and your partner a safe space to talk about your feelings and share updates. Communication is key to a strong marriage.

First, set a clear agenda for each meeting. Think of it as a roadmap, guiding your discussion and keeping things on track. This helps both of you feel valued because you know your concerns will be heard.

Next, establish feedback loops. Imagine it like a dance routine—practicing steps together helps you stay in sync. These loops help you spot patterns and address issues before they become big problems.

Don’t forget about progress updates. It’s like marking milestones on a journey. Knowing you’re moving forward together boosts your sense of connection.

Set reminders for these meetings. Consistency is crucial, like watering a plant regularly to see it grow.

Emotion	Action
Feeling heard	Regular Check-Ins
Feeling valued	Meeting Agendas
Feeling understood	Feedback Loops
Feeling connected	Progress Updates

#18 Understand Yourself or Self Awareness

Self-awareness is like the secret sauce in marriage. It helps you understand and share your emotions, values, and needs with your partner. Think of it as the foundation for trust and understanding.

Take a moment to grow and mature emotionally. By doing so, you build a strong base. Self-reflection helps you see your inner values. Mindful introspection lets you manage your emotions wisely. This way, you respond calmly instead of reacting impulsively during conflicts.

To boost your self-awareness, remember these steps:

1. Spot your emotional triggers so you can control your reactions.
2. Reflect on your values and needs to express them clearly.
3. Practice mindful introspection to understand your thoughts and feelings.
4. Look at your communication style to adapt better to your partner.

Think of successful marriage as a finely tuned dance. Each partner needs to understand their own rhythm before they can move in harmony together.

Think of self-awareness as learning your dance steps. The better you know them, the smoother the dance. Embrace self-awareness to create a deeper connection in your marriage. It’s like learning the perfect dance moves to sway together beautifully.

#19 Understand Proper Compromise (Avoiding Selfishness)

After you become self-aware, the next step is to master the art of compromise. This helps you avoid selfishness in your marriage.

Think of it like a seesaw—both sides need balance. You’ll sometimes need to give up something for the good of both.

Mutual concessions mean you both make changes for the relationship. It’s like a dance where both partners move in sync.

Identify shared goals, making sure your dreams match. Balanced interests let you appreciate each other’s needs without feeling ignored.

Make joint decisions that respect both views.

This fosters unity. When you practice these principles, you build a partnership on respect and understanding. Your marriage becomes a place where you both feel valued and included.

This approach strengthens your bond.

It nurtures lasting happiness. I love this quote (not sure the author, but it is noteworthy):

‘Successful relationships are a result of small changes, over time.’

#20 Nonverbal Signals and Communication

Nonverbal signals, like facial expressions and body language, often speak louder than words in a marriage. Understanding these cues can deepen your connection and empathy with your partner.

Eye contact builds trust and shows you’re present. Micro Expressions, tiny facial movements, reveal true feelings, even if briefly. Body Orienting, facing each other, shows you’re engaged and interested. Proximity Signals, being close physically, indicates intimacy and comfort.

Think about paralinguistic cues—like tone, pitch, and speech rate. These can make communication clearer. But if nonverbal signals don’t match your words, misunderstandings can happen. Being aware of your own signals helps. Adjusting them promotes a healthier marriage.

Picture it like a dance. You and your partner move in sync, understanding each other’s steps without needing to speak. By using these nonverbal tools, you create a sense of belonging and strengthen your bond.

Remember how Dr. John Gottman talks about the “love map“ in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work? Think of nonverbal cues as part of your love map. They guide you to a deeper understanding of your partner’s inner world.

You may want to check out our ‘Conversation Cards for Couples’ here.

Wrapping It Up

By embracing these principles, you’ll turn your marriage into a happier and more fulfilling partnership. Picture it like dancing in sync with your partner—smooth and graceful.

Actively listen: Imagine you’re a detective, tuning in to every detail. It shows you care and want to understand.

Respect each other: Think of it as a two-way street. Give and take, with mutual respect paving the way.

Choose the right moments: Timing is everything. Just like you wouldn’t have a deep talk in the middle of a noisy party, pick quiet and calm moments to discuss important matters.

Promote clarity: Ever played a game of ‘Telephone’? Misunderstandings can twist words. Be clear and specific.

Seek to understand: Remember Stephen Covey’s advice from ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’—seek first to understand, then to be understood. It’s a game-changer.

Regular check-ins: Think of these like pit stops in a race. They keep the relationship running smoothly.

Self-awareness: Know your own feelings and triggers. It’s like having a map to navigate tricky conversations.

Compromise selflessly: Imagine you’re building a bridge. Sometimes, you have to give more to meet in the middle.

Nonverbal cues: Pay attention to body language. A smile or a hug can speak louder than words.

By following these steps, you’ll create a stronger, more intimate bond. It’s like learning a new dance—practice makes perfect!

Here’s what you should do next…

I want to help you develop better communication skills so you can connect on a deeper level with your spouse.

That’s why we created the ‘Marriage Communication Bootcamp‘ where you will learn:

• The 4 types of communication; and why 3 of them will destroy your marriage if you do not practice the 4th.
• Why only 7% of communication is comprised of the words you speak; and how to identify the other 93%
• The 13 Skills (and how to develop them) every couple MUST have to make their marriage thrive.
• The 6 Pillars all effective communication is built on; and how to make sure they are a part of your marriage.
• A step-by-step process of moving a conversation to the point of intimacy and connection.

This course is designed to create connection, not just ‘talking skills.’ If you desire a deeper bond and stronger connection in your marriage, click the button below to go to the next page to get access to over 15 practical exercises that will help you communicate more effectively; AND feel more connected with your spouse.

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