9 Bad Marriage Advice Tips You Should Avoid At All Cost

Some marriage advice can actually hurt your relationship. These may not be the worst tips you’ve ever received, but the 9 bad marriage advice tips listed in this article will keep you from experiencing the marriage you desire.

Bad and Weird Medical Practices in the Old West

I recently ran across an article on weird medical practices in the Old West:

• If you lived in the Old West and had a toothache, you would probably go see your local blacksmith to get the tooth extracted. Ouch!
• Many doctors prescribed a drug called calomel for various ailments. Problem is, calomel contained dangerous levels of mercury which caused people’s teeth to fall out, impaired motor skills, depression, and affect your ability to communicate and think. In many cases, it resulted in death.
• People living on the frontier believed that bathing too often dilated your pores which allowed diseases to enter the body. Ridiculous to us, but it’s what they believed.
• Other crazy practices included bleeding (the idea that removing the bad blood from your system would make you better), removing chunks of skin, and even swathing a person with cotton before setting them on fire.
• Doctors would often use ipecac syrup to purge the body. They believed that vomiting (purging your body) would combat sickness.
• God forbid you ever got malaria. You would be stripped of your clothes and stood outside until you got a chill.

One more that will blow your mind…

• One treatment for rheumatism was rather strange. A young, fat dog would be slaughtered, skinned, and gutted. The guts were mixed with eggs, nettles, tobacco, red worms, and a few other bizarre objects. The concoction would then be placed back inside the dead dog, which was then roasted. The patient was required to sit by the fire and breath in the aroma.

We think it’s strange because the medical profession has improved (to say the least), and we are more advanced.

But if you lived in the Old West, these are the types of things you believed.

There are strange marriage practices and bad advice given about marriage as well.

9 Bad Marriage Advice Tips You Should Avoid At All Cost

 Bad advice abounds. It is particularly plentiful in relationship circles.

Like the bad medical practices of the Old West, these nine marriage tips can wreck your life.

Bad Tip #1: It’s Okay to Take a Few Days and Stew With Your Anger

Studies indicate this is counter-productive

Ephesians 4:26 gives us good advice on dealing with conflict.

“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, [Eph 4:26 NKJV]

The idea of ‘not letting the sun go down’ means we are to deal with things while they are fresh.

Failing to do so only produces further complications:

1. Accumulation of Offenses

Thing pile up over time. One offense turns into two. Two turns into four. And the cycle of unresolved conflicts becomes so large it’s difficult to deal with them.

2. Lost Issues

Many times when we fail to deal with things as they happen, we forget the event that caused the problem and our attention shifts from problem to the person.

Here’s what I mean: Let’s suppose your spouse says something that hurts you. Instead of talking about it, you stuff it into your internal safe.

As time passes, you forget ‘what’ was said, ‘how’ it was said, and the context is lost. In other words, you have forgotten the details, but you remember the emotion.

Over time the hurt grows. It finally boils over and you have a fight with your spouse.

But instead of dealing with the issue (because it’s been lost over time), you are now dealing with your emotions.

Maybe your husband didn’t mean it the way you heard it. Maybe it came out wrong.

Maybe he was frustrated because of the kids, work, or some other ‘thing’ and just blurted out something that hurt you. It wasn’t really about you at all.

Maybe you were in a bad mood and interpreted his behavior out of your own disappointment and pain.

There could be hundreds of explanations about the event.

However, because you failed to discuss it at the moment, the event is lost and you are left with feelings of rejection, hurt, and disappointment.

Without the context of the event, you can’t accurately deal with the issue. You can only address your feelings.

This is unfortunate. The majority of the problems couples deal with can be resolved easily and quickly IF they don’t allow them to fester and grow.

What About Big Problems You Can’t Resolve In One Day?

The principle is not to completely resolve the issue in a day, it’s to refuse to allow time to create distance in your marriage.

Of course, there are times issues take more than a day to work out. The key is to start working on the solution on day one.

By committing to work on issues as they arise, you keep them from becoming insurmountable problems. Share on X

By committing to work on issues as they arise, you keep them from becoming insurmountable problems.

If you are working on solutions, you are moving in the right direction.

A related issue is anger.

What does it mean to ‘be angry but do not sin?’

It’s okay to be mad, express emotions, and feel anger. It becomes a sin when we focus too long and too much on the anger (how you feel), and neglect working toward a solution.

Bad Tip #2: If Your Wife Is Happy, Life Is Happy

I’m sure you’ve heard it: Happy Wife, Happy Life. This is one of the most damaging lies couples face.

Why so damaging? 

1. It presents women as maniacs who have to be handled with kid gloves or they will explode.

Every time I hear this said by someone, I cringe. Not because it’s true. Rather, it makes women seem like illogical, emotional manipulators.

Most women want a partnership. Not a dictatorship.

2. It puts men on the defensive.

Every man I’ve met that holds this marriage philosophy is miserable. They may joke about it, but deep inside they are unhappy.

It creates an atmosphere that is not designed to bring fulfillment to the relationship; it does the opposite.

3. It reduces marriage to a one-sided transaction.

Marriage is about two people sharing life together. Not one person getting their way all the time.

When marriage is reduced to a one-sided transaction, someone is always left out. It is possible to live in such a way that both partners experience a win-win. Both partners get what they need in the marriage. Share on X

When marriage is reduced to a one-sided transaction, someone is always left out. It is possible to live in such a way that both partners experience a win-win. Both partners get what they need in the marriage.

It takes work, creativity, and authentic care, but it is possible.

If You Are A Happy Wife, Happy Life Girl

I want to give you fair warning: If you are a woman who subscribes (outwardly or inwardly) to this philosophy, brace yourself for a few truth bombs.

If this is you, stop. You hurting yourself. And your spouse.

This behavior is narcissistic and self-involved. Ouch. I know that stings. But you should face the facts before you ruin your marriage.

No man (real man) will stay in that situation long-term.

They may not divorce, but they will leave. They will vacate emotionally and mentally. They may even leave physically. But they will not stay in connection with you.

If you do find a man who will jump at your every beck and call, you will eventually despise that man.

Bad Tip #3: Let The Little Things Go

On the contrary, it is the little things that make or break a relationship.

I’m not suggesting you take out your list and write down or note every single thing you don’t like. That’s nitpicking. It will erode your marriage.

I am suggesting, however ,that little things are often what ultimately break a realtionship.

I’ve watched couples work through infidelity issues, financial bankruptcy, loss of job and career, the death of a child, and a host of other things that would break the strongest of people.

I’ve also seen couples divorce because one partner squeezes the toothpaste ‘wrong’.

Sure, toothpaste is not the real issue. Little things never are. But they build up over time to become really big issues.

If you fail to deal with little things, they will eventually erode your confidence and trust.

Am I saying you should make an issue out of every little thing? No. Of course not.

But if you fail to address small things, two things happen:

1. You will never address the big issues.

If you can’t discuss minor issues, how will talk through big things that threaten your relationship?

We recommend having ‘talk time’ every day. This keeps you connected.

It’s easier to discuss the little things if you are communicating on a regular basis.

2. They will grow and tear you apart.

Big things (even affairs) do not just happen. Little things lead to the big things.

Most couples who have dealt with infidelity will tell you it started small.

A spouse becomes disappointed in (fill in the blank) – sex life, lack of communication, no time together, preoccupied with work, hobbies, or whatever…

That disappointment leads to frustration. When we feel frustrated, we look for relief.

That relief may come from pornography, attention from someone on social media, or fantasizing. There a host of places where we can find temporary (illegitimate) relief.

Things then begin to snowball. That first step in the wrong direction becomes two steps. Pretty soon you are on the wrong path.

I think you get the point. Affairs don’t just happen. They are triggered.

Note: It is possible you are married to a habitual user and cheater. If so, this advice doesn’t fit. You need to leave a habitual cheater.

Bad Tip #4: Your Sex Life Will Diminish The Longer You Are Married

This is bad advice because it inserts a mindset that romance and passion get lower once you know each other better.

This is not true. Research indicates that romance actually increases in long-term relationships.

Buying into the myth that things ‘cool off’ over time is setting yourself up for failure.

What About Biological Changes That Happen?

There are natural fluctuations in our biochemistry as couples. It’s natural and normal.

Hormonal changes can alter sex drive. Stress affects our sexual rhythm. In fact, there are many factors that determine your appetite for physical intimacy.

It’s important to realize that appetite and behavior are not the same.

Are you saying I should be intimate with my spouse even if I don’t feel like it?

This is a sticky question because there are a lot of variables to consider. That said, physical intimacy is a way we serve (minister) to our spouse.

We do many things we don’t ‘feel’ like doing. We do them because we want our spouse to be blessed. We want to give to them so we do things we don’t particularly want to do.

Does this mean I should be at my spouse’s beck and call? Of course not. I’m not suggesting you should always do what your spouse wants – especially if it makes you uncomfortable.

I AM suggesting (and this is the principle) we should cultivate a mentality of serving and loving our spouse – considering them above our own desires and needs at times.

This is the essence of deep love.

The point I want to make is: To love our spouse well, sometimes we do things for them, even if it is not what we want to do at that moment.

Note: Attitude is a factor that makes this work. If you do not have the attitude to bless and serve your spouse, no matter what you do, it will fail.

Related: People With No Elbows

Bad Tip #5: Your Romance Will Always Be Passionate and Spicey

This is the flip side of the coin for the previous point.

The thing we have to keep in mind is passion and romance are not the same.

There are times when we feel extremely passionate and sexual. Other times, not so much.

Does this mean romance is gone? Of course not. We mentioned above there are many things that affect your ‘drive.’ This should not dampen your romance.

Romance (and physical intimacy) should be about connecting on a deep level. Sometimes it includes red hot passion. Many times it does not. But it is about the connection we forge when we come together. Share on X

Romance (and physical intimacy) should be about connecting on a deep level. Sometimes it includes red hot passion. Many times it does not. But it is about the connection we forge when we come together.

Why It Is Dangerous To Believe This Advice

We are susceptible to specific lies when we equate romance (love) with passion.

1. You believe passion equates with love as you begin to doubt your spouse’s love for you.
2. You question if you are in the right marriage because you don’t ‘feel’ the way you once did.
3. You believe it’s impossible to ‘get the fire’ back

Bad Tip #6: Men and Women Are Too Different To Really Get Along

This is said in a number of ways. But the point is always that men and women are wired differently so connecting is difficult at best, impossible at worst.

While I agree men and women are wired differently, it is dangerous to use this as an excuse (or belief system) that discourages connection in your relationship.

We cannot understand and relate to each other when we have set such rigid stereotypes.

While I agree men and women are wired differently, it is dangerous to use this as an excuse (or belief system) that discourages connection in your relationship. Share on X

A quick example:

• Women are emotional, men are analytical.
• Men are stimulated visually, women are stimulated with words and touch.

It should be easy to see how this stereotype can skew the way we approach our partners.

I know many men who are more emotional than their wives. Other men respond more to words and touch than visual stimulation.

We are both visual as well as emotional, and we have to learn how to manage each of those things in a way that honors our spouse and serves them well.

Downsides of Focusing Too Much on Gender Differences

Here are a few downsides from overly stressing our differences:

1.  It builds a false gulf between men and women.
2.  It tends to pit men and women against each other.
3.  It makes you feel disconnected from your spouse

Bad Tip #7: When You Have Problems, Get As Much Help From Others As Possible

This sounds logical, but it is damaging to a relationship. The more people you bring into your problem, the more bad advice you expose your life to.

Let’s be real. Most people give advice based on their fears and failures.

For example, if you have a friend that was cheated on and went through a nasty divorce, what advice do you think they will offer?

Their advice (if it comes from their experience) will be slanted in a way that accuses and condemns men.

• ‘All men are liars. You need to kick him to the curb.’
• ‘Men are difficult. Why not just end it.’
• ‘All they are after is your body. You don’t have time for that.’
• ‘You can’t trust men.’

The best marriage advice is not to make problems in your marriage public.

How Should I Get Help For Marriage Problems?

I’m not suggesting you should not get help, I’m only recommending you get the right help. This rarely comes from people who know us well.

Most of our friends are biased toward us. They have our backs. They love us and want us to be happy.

They are great to have in your corner. But when you need solid marriage advice, don’t bring your problems to them.

Here is a simple 3-step gameplan you can use:

1. Talk it out with your spouse.
2. Invest in a program to help you learn to communicate and connect better.
3. Seek professional counseling.

The first step is always attempting to connect with your spouse to work through issues. It is not opening your problems for others to see.

Sometimes this is difficult. You already feel disconnected, so trying to connect isn’t easy. It’s time to get some external help.

Knowing what to say to open the door of communication is challenging. Doing the same thing over and over is counter-productive.

One of the top programs we recommend is Save The Marriage System by Dr. Lee Baucom. You can read about why we like it here.

Finally, if these steps do not move your relationship forward, it’s time to seek professional help.

Here are a few online programs we recommend:

OnlineTherapy.com

HealingClouds.com

Bad Tip #8: Learning To Fight Fair Is How To Handle Conflict

Okay. We’ve all heard it. I’ve even said it. More than once. And will probably continue to say it. But it’s a poor choice of wording.

Let me explain.

I’m splitting hairs a bit here, but I think it is important to make a distinction.

There is a difference between fighting and disagreeing. It may be subtle, but it is one worth noting.

Fighting, by its very nature is adversarial.

Disagreeing is not.

Fighting puts you at odds with your opponent (it even requires an opponent).

Disagreeing does not.

Fighting is about taking sides.

Disagreeing is about being heard and discussing issues to find a solution.

Fighting requires a winner and a loser.

Disagreeing only implies we don’t see eye-to-eye, but it doesn’t necessarily put me at opposition to you.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. It is more of an issue of attitude than behavior.

When we approach problems from a fight mentality, we always move in the direction of combat. We argue. We say negative things. We are not seeking solutions, we are seeking the advantage. Share on X

When we approach problems from a fight mentality, we always move in the direction of combat. We argue. We say negative things. We are not seeking solutions, we are seeking the advantage.

If, however, we approach our issues from the perspective of opinions and ideas (things we might disagree about), we are poised to hear each other out. We have the opportunity to find common ground and seek solutions.

And…even if we don’t see things the same way, we are NOT enemies. We are not adversaries, we are partners seeking to understand and move in the same direction.

Healthy marriages do not lack conflict, but they do manage differences with love and respect.

Confront conflict instead of avoiding it.

You should instead view your disagreements as an opportunity to connect with one another and learn more about each other.

Bad Tip #9: If You Are Not Happy, Your Marriage Is Doomed

Happiness has become the main pursuit of this generation. We tend to measure everything based on how happy it makes us.

Who doesn’t want to be happy? Right? It really comes down to how we define happiness.

For many, it is based on immediate circumstances. If things go my way, then I will be happy. This is a shallow (and short-lived) way to measure happiness.

The Happiness Trap

It is a trap to measure your life by your level of happiness. Here are three traps we should be aware of:

1. I can only be happy if I get my way…

We base happiness on how we feel, what happens to us, and if we get our way.

This becomes a self-serving trait. When we only pursue what makes us happy, we stop seeing our spouse as someone we can serve.

2. I’ll be happy when…

I like how Sonja Lyubomirsky puts this:

(T)he idea that if we’re not happy now, then we will become happy when x, y, and z happens: _When I get married I’ll be happy when I strike it rich I’ll be happy, when I have kids when I move to that city I’ve always wanted to live in_. The problem is that those events _do_ make us happy—but they don’t make us as happy as we hope, or for as long as we think they will.

3. We resort to manipulation and control to get the emotion (happiness) we seek.

When the inevitable ups and downs of marriage happen, it is only natural to attempt to change your spouse so you can achieve your goals.

Final Thoughts on Bad Marriage Advice

While these nine bad marriage tips may not equal the bad medical advice from the Old West, they are things that every couple should be aware of.

Usually, bad marriage advice centers around self-seeking ideas. When we lose sight of the fact that marriage is about our partnership in life, we stop doing the things that make our relationship rich and rewarding.

Summary

These nine marriage tips should be avoided at all costs.

• Bad Tip #1: It’s Okay to Take a Few Days and Stew With Your Anger
• Bad Tip #2: If Your Wife Is Happy, Life Is Happy
• Bad Tip #3: Let The Little Things Go
• Bad Tip #4: Your Sex Life Will Diminish The Longer You Are Married
• Bad Tip #5: Your Romance Will Always Be Passionate and Spicey
• Bad Tip #6: Men and Women Are Too Different To Really Get Along
• Bad Tip #7: When You Have Problems, Get As Much Help From Others As Possible
• Bad Tip #8: Learning To Fight Fair Is How To Handle Conflict
• Bad Tip #9: If You Are Not Happy, Your Marriage Is Doomed

What’s Next?

Where To Find Help