There are 3 basic types of marriages; which one respresents your relationship?

Not all marriages are created equal. Your marriage profile determines how you handle problems, your level of marriage satisfaction, and your general sense of fulfillment in your relationship.

The good news is you can change your marriage ‘type’ or profile by undertanding these three factors and a little work.

In 1985, a sociologist by the name of Robert Bellah wrote a book about American culture. In it he talks about work. Specifically how people view their work.

He noted three perspectives people had about what they did for a living. (Bellah et al., 1985) He broke it down like this:

1. Job
2. Career
3. Calling

He describes each like this:

People who have jobs are only interested in the material benefits from the work; ie., paycheck, insurance, etc.

The work is not an end in in itself; it is a means to an end.

People who have careers have a deeper investment in their work. They measure their success not only in terms of money (paycheck) but through advancement in the organization. With this comes higher social status, power, and esteem.

People with callings are different. Their work and life are interwoven. They are inseparable. It’s not about money, advancement, or power; it is about fulfillment. Purpose. Mission. Their work is something they feel they were born to do. It is the end, not just the goal to reach the end.

This is interesting (and I believe accurate). As I thought about this and how it relates to relationships, I think these same three categories (modified a little) can be applied to our marriage.

The 3 Types Of Marriages

Using Bellah’s research as a grid or overlay, let’s look at how this applies to your marriage.

To make it work, I’ll give each ‘type’ a name to reflect the essence of what marriage looks like in this category.

Note: This is MY opinion and application of Bellah’s research. This is not his idea of marriage. I do not know how he would apply it to relationships, but this is how I do.

1. Marriage For Benefits

There are couples who see their marriage as an arrangement. They marry for the benefits. Those benefits vary from couple to couple, but it boils down to the benefits are the reason they are together.

For some it’s a Green Card. Others it’s about sex. Still others capitalize on the financial benefits and tax breaks.

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of benefit reasons couples get together.

I don’t necessarily want you to see this as wrong or bad. It’s just lower on the scale of reasons to marry.

When I first met Mike and Clare I put their relationship in this category. (I wasn’t being judgment, but as I observed and listened to their story it was clear this was their level of relationship). 

Mike and Clare Got Married

Mike and Clare started dating in their late 20’s. After about six months, Clare got pregnant. 

They cared about each other, and wanted their child to have both parents in her life (they had a girl), so they decided getting married was the best thing to do. 

Was this a bad reason? Was it wrong? Of course not. 

My point is not that these reasons are bad, wrong, or unimportant. Providing a stable family for a child is a good thing.

Yet, in terms of Bellah’s grid, it is not the highest reason to be together. It can add complications, frustrations, and struggles down the road. 

All marriages have problems to overcome. Marriage for benefits can have more complex issues to deal with simply because the reasons for being together are not as strong.

This could be viewed as a Safety Marriage.

It’s not wrong. It’s just not the highest reason for getting together. 

2. Marriage For Status

This category is a step above (and often quite a big step above) the previous type of marriage. 

In this type, a person marries for status. Not necessarily status in a bad sense. In fact, the word status can be misleading.

For example, the wife isn’t merely ‘arm candy’ for the business professional who wants a good beautiful wife to impress his collegues. It’s not that superficial.

By status I’m referring to the fact that marriage means something to the individual. Just like status in the business world defines the entrepreneur or professional, status in marriage is what defines their identity (in a sense).

Remember Bellah’s description of this category: People who have careers have a deeper investment in their work.

It’s the same in marriage. In this category, couples are invested in each other. They love deeply. Enjoy each other’s company. And truly want the best for each other. 

In other words, they are committed. Just like the professional is committed to his career. 

Marriage at this stage often rates high on marriage satisfaction charts. If we use the pareto principle – the 80/20 rule – I would say 80% of healthy marriages fall in this category. 10% in the ‘Marriage for Benefits’ and the other 10% in the final category – marriage with a mission. (Source: Just My Opinion)

We could even call this, Companionship Marriage. Not merely companionship in terms of ‘I don’t want to be lonely,’ but in the sense that they share something intimate. They are connected.

3. Marriage With Mission

A marriage with a mission is miles ahead of every other type of relationship.

Before we explore this further, let’s define what we mean by mission.

Back to Bellah’s research. Work for these individuals is not about their paycheck. They are not just ‘putting in their time to draw a check.’ They are in it because they are true believers. They see their job as a call. Something inside of them pulls them to do what they do. They have a sense of mission.

Everything in their life is about the call. The mission. It’s their ultimate, big-picture purpose.

A Pastoral Call

I was a pastor for many years. And I know hundreds of pastors in every culture across the globe. They all have one thing in common. They ARE pastors. It’s not what they do. It’s who they are. Everything in and about their life is woven with the fabric of their sense of calling. 

Their work cannot be separated from their life. It is one.

Now, let’s put this grid over the concept of marriage.

I know couples (we are one of them) who believe, feel, and sense they are together for a higher purpose. They are married because of a call to be together.

This defines their relationship. 

They struggle with issues and have problems just like every other couple, but their marriage is different. They see the world through the lense of their calling as a couple. They have a mission.

That mission looks different for each of them. But they all live with the conviction they are meant to be – meant to be together, meant to serve humanity, meant to offer something to the world that couldn’t be given if they weren’t together.

Does that sound lofty? Other-world-ly? It is. 

When you see your relationship in terms of calling, you are driven to seek something higher. Something from another world. Something spiritual.

Another commonality each of these couples possess is their spiritual foundation. They all see the hand of God on their relationship and in their marriage.

Again, these couples are not perfect. They face the same things every human faces. The difference is, they know God has a purpose and mission for them. Knowing this changes the way they see the world and deal with life.

It is empowering to know you have a purpose greater and bigger than your own life. Others often refer to this as a covenant marriage. It’s more than a contract, it’s a covenant relationship.

Rowing The Boat Together

A marriage with a mission is like two people rowing a boat together. Both individuals are working in tandem, each contributing their own strength and power to move the boat forward. They have a common goal and vision of where they want to go, and they work together to make it happen.

The boat is propelled by both of them, and they rely on each other for support and guidance as they navigate the waters ahead.

How To Become A Marriage With Mission

 One thing I’ve learned from years of pastoring, leading, and writing is that there is no single path to create the marriage you desire. There are, however, principles, truths, and paths that make it easier.

Here are 3 things you can put into place to help you become a mission marriage.

#1: Lay A Spiritual Foundation

 It’s no secret (or shouldn’t be) that our beliefs shape our decisions, actions, and direction in life. 

My spiritual values ultimately come through all I write. When I do public speaking, it’s impossible to hide my spiritual convictions. As a Christian, I understand marriage is meant to be something special. It is to be a picture of God’s relationship with us – expressing His love, devotion, and care for His church.

Since I believe this, it’s easy for me to see marriage as a mission. 

Michelle and I are together to be part of the picture God desires to show the world concerning who He is. I don’t see this as pressure to perform, rather as a calling to live.

Do I make mistakes? Do we get it wrong sometimes? You bet. But our failures do not take away from our sense of calling. They simply remind us that God loves people. And as we forgive each other, we show the world how God desires to do the same.

That’s just one way our marriage is a mission. But as we continue to grow and live, we discover more ways God desires to use us as a couple to bring hope, life, and help to others.

This, by far, is the biggest (and greatest) factor in making your relatioship a ‘mission marriage.’

#2: Bond Over Shared Experiences

 My ‘bonus brother’ (no biological connection, just brotherhood) and his wife shared a deep struggle together years ago that gave them a strong sense of mission. 

He was diagnosed with Leukemia early in their marriage. He battled like a warrior. She served him like a queen. Together they walked out that struggle. It took year after year.

It cost them financially. Emotionally. And every other way youn can imagine. But they eventually won the war.

Now, they work in tandem with Light the Night in Nashville, TN to bring awareness and hope to those who fight that same battle. They are passionate about this cause because they shared a life-changing experience together. 

While they are both Christians and serve God together, this experience gave them a sense of purpose and mission they didn’t have before. Each year they help to raise millions of dollars so others can win their war with Leukemia & Lymphoma.

#3: Craft A Mission Statement

I realize ‘mission statement’ is a buzz word that has lost some it’s umph! But the principle is still very valid. Knowing your purpose starts wiith defining your core values, identifying what is important to you and why it is important.

Susan Orenstein, Ph.D defines a mission statement in simple terms: (my paraphrase)

A declaration created and agreed upon by the couple that guides their principles, goals and values. It’s what makes you a couple and outlines what you stand for as you stand together.

– PsychCentral

Crafting your mission statement shouldn’t be about tiny goals to make you feel good. It should help you define the big picture of your life’s purpose. When you share this together, you move toward creating a mission marriage.

At a very minimum, it will cause you to think and talk about things that are deeper than the daily grind of responsibilities. It opens you both up to a bigger picture and understanding of life.

Which Type of Marriage Defines Your Relationship

What defines your relationship? What’s your ‘how we got together’ story? Are their clues in that story that can help you create a mission mindfulness in your relationship?

What do you desire and want from and in your marriage? Are there unfulfilled ‘things’ that you constantly think about? 

What marriage type do you have? 

Is yours a marriage of benefits? One of status? Or do you have a marriage filled with purpose and mission?

Which kind of marriage do you want?

If you desire to move past the first two types of marriage and develop a relationship with shared values and a sense of purpose, we have resources to help. 

Where To Find Help