How to Respond When Your Wife Takes You for Granted

No one likes to be taken for granted. When happens in marriage it is not only heartbreaking; it also has long-term effects on the relationship. How do you respond when your wife takes you for granted? In this article we explore the signs and remedy for when wife takes husband for granted.

A story from RTE news reports that all the COVID viruses in the world would fit into a soda can.

All the Covid-causing virus circulating in the world right now could easily fit inside a single soft drink can, according to a calculation by a British mathematician whose sum exposes just how much devastation is caused by miniscule viral particles.

It’s amazing how something so small can produce such devasting results. I think neglect (taking someone for granted) holds the same power. It destroys relationships.

How can you know if your wife is taking you for granted? 

In a survey of over 1,000 men, 71% felt that their wives take them for granted. In order to help men who feel neglected in their marriage, we are going to discuss how they should respond when a wife takes her husband for granted. But first, let’s identify a few signs you may be neglected by your wife.

11 Signs Your Wife Is Neglecting You:

These 11 signs are indicators you are being neglected by your wife.

1. She does not give you any attention

Does your wife often ignore you? Does she only show affection to you when you need it? This is a way for her to communicate that she doesn’t value your presence.

2. She does not praise you when you do good things

Offering praise is a common way we show appreciation. When praise is lacking in a relationship, it leaves you feeling disconnected.

How many times have you done something great lately? Have your spouse give any compliments? If she constantly criticizes and never praises, it could be because she takes your efforts for granted.

3. She has poor or non-existent listening skills

When you’ve had a long day at work, do you get any sympathy from your spouse? Is she open to hearing about the problems you’re facing? Or does she seem uninterested and avoidant? If your spouse is not a good listener, it is hard for you to feel secure and emotionally intimate with her.

Good communcation skils are essential for a healthy relationship.  Learning how to talk is a core building block.

4. She doesn’t attend to your needs or meets them only minimally

As a husband, you have a right to quality time with your wife. This includes sexual intimacy. If your wife has not been meeting your sexual needs or taking care of your overall needs, it is because she does not value you as her husband.

When we become so consumed with our feelings, needs, and desires we fail to consider our partners, we run the risk of hurting our spouse. The key is to serve our spouse and put our partners first.

5. She does not show up for you in difficult times

If you are going through a rough time, are there any witnesses in her actions? Or do your problems seem to be invisible to her? A wife should have your back when the going gets tough. If she doesn’t, you may be feeling neglected by her.

6. She makes you feel worthless

Do you ever hear comments from your wife that cut you down? Is she often critical of you? If so, it is because she feels like her worth is higher than yours. This is a common sign of a person who takes their spouse for granted.

7. She compares you to others

Does your wife often bring up other men and compare them to you? Or is she bringing up the possibility of divorce or cheating? A wife who compares you with other men may be taking you for granted.

This is one of the 20 signs of disrespect.

8. She makes excuses for her bad behavior

When a woman takes her husband for granted, she will often make excuses for her bad behavior. She’ll tell you that he is just working hard, or that she doesn’t have the time because she is working. She will make excuses like she is overwhelmed with her job or kids. She may even blame you for her bad behavior, saying you don’t give her enough attention.

9. She is un-supportive of your goals

Every couple should have goals they are working toward. This builds unity and creates positive movement in your marriage. When one spouse doesn’t participate or doesn’t care about family goals (or your personal goals), it causes the marriage to derail.

If your wife does not support your goals, then it could be because she thinks they are unnecessary and frivolous.

10. She makes you feel bad about yourself

If your wife is constantly telling you that you are not good enough, or apologizing for your mistakes, it is because she does not value you and your role as a husband. She seeks to communicate that she is superior and deserving of respect. This is a clear sign that she takes her husband for granted.

11. She is indifferent to your problems

If your wife ignores your struggles and implies that your issues are not important, then it is because she does not care about you.

4 Ways to Respond When Your Wife Takes You for Granted

How should my husband respond when his wife takes him for granted? Many men feel taken for granted in their marriage.

Four effective responses if you want to turn your situation around.

1. Fix Your Attitude and Behavior First

Lasting changes always start with us. It’s easy to focus attention on what our spouse is doing wrong. Real change will begin when we make adjustments in our own attitudes and behavior.

Lasting changes always start with us. Real change in your relationship will begin when we make adjustments in our own attitudes and behavior. Share on X

This doesn’t mean you are to blame for the problems (click here to see if you are the problem). On the contrary.

Life is like a magnet. (Apologies to Forest Gump). In one sense me do attract into our life what we expect or tolerate. I’m not suggesting some metaphysical law of attraction experience. This is purely from a psychological perspective.

When we allow someone to treat us a certain way, we actually help them establish a pattern in their behavior. My wife often comments to young women: ‘You teach people how to treat you!”

When we allow someone to treat us a certain way, we actually help them establish a pattern in their behavior. 'You teach people how to treat you!" is a true statement we need to remember. Share on X

This is a true statement. It’s not meant to blame the victim. You owe it to yourself to answer the question: ‘Am I contributing to the problem? Am I doing something that allows them to treat me this way?’

Ed and Susan’s Story

I met a couple years ago when our boys played baseball together. They never seemed to have a strong marriage. She seemed very dominating (at times even cruel). He never stood up to her or rebutted against her demands. 

Over several years I watched them interact in their relationship (and with others). I felt bad for the guy (he was a good man). However, I saw that he contributed to the problem. He taught her how to treat him.

When she barked an order, he jumped to comply.

When she criticized him for something, he apologized (unnecessarily).

When she expected him to do all the work getting their son ready for the game, he did.

Her bad character was not his fault. Her treatment of him was his fault.

He could have (and should have) stopped it when it first started. By tolerating throughout the years, he taught her how to treat him.

Years later (our boys were grown and married), he contacted me for help in his marriage. My advice was hard for him to hear: Change would only come when he changed. He had to show her he would not (and should not) be treated that way any longer.

Stephen and Melanie’s Story

We have friends who have been married for over 25 years. They have a beautiful marriage. One night over dinner, we talked about their early years of marriage. They admitted their relationship wasn’t always good.

Melanie openly admitted she was ‘a handful’ when they first got married. She grew up in a family where her mom ruled by intimidation and manipulation. If she didn’t get her way, she acted out and made life miserable for everyone.

After a few months into their marriage, something happened Melanie didn’t like so she modeled her mother’s behavior and ‘pitched a fit.’ Stephen firmly responded, ‘Your behavior is unacceptable. Grown ups don’t act like this when they don’t get their way. I love you and want you to be happy, but I will not tolerate this kind of behavior.’

That single statement changed everything. She realized he would not allow her to treat him badly. Like all couples, they have had their share of problems (raising kids, job changes, death of parents), but their marriage blossomed into a beautiful partnership.

One of the biggest factors was they discovered how to treat each other with respect.

If your partner doesn’t treat you well, change will only come when you change. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.

Your partner’s behavior is directly related to your behavior. I know it sounds incredible but it is true. You can change the nature of your relationship by changing your behavior. 

Your partner's behavior is directly related to your behavior. You can change the nature of your relationship by changing your behavior.  Share on X

Three Practical Ways To Put This Into Practice:

• Identify and verbalize the behavior you are willing to tolerate (and what you can not). 
• With a positive tone ask the other party to please change.
• Always assume positive intent and let him or her save face if possible.

2. Be Proactive, Not Passive

Break the pattern of being a victim by being proactive. I recently heard Dr. Harville Hendricks talk about the principle of choice, where we either react or respond to a situation. 

We are often passive, reacting to problems rather than taking control and proactively choosing how we want to respond to the situation.

Dr. Hendricks said that the passive approach is similar to seeing a child in a supermarket who is screaming and whining for candy. You are likely to become annoyed and perhaps even get angry at the child or at the parent for allowing this behavior. On the other hand, if you saw a child who was taking a toy from another child, you are likely to get involved and try to intervene.

In both situations, the parent has chosen not to act properly. In the first situation, they choose to be annoyed and angry. In the second situation, they choose to be reactive and take action by using emotions to control the situation.

When we react, we choose to play the victim or act in anger. The two are very similar.

In a marriage where your spouse takes you for granted, you keep reacting by being angry, resentful, frustrated or depressed. This only leads to more trouble. Less connection.

You are only going to change by choosing a different approach. You can choose to be proactive by being assertive, taking control and taking responsibility of your life. This is a choice you make to take charge of the situation. 

Proactive doesn’t mean angry, dominating, or forceful. Being proactive means staying in control even when others are out of control. It means empowering yourself rather than allowing others to control you. 

Taking responsibility for your life and making a choice to be proactive is the key to changing a passive person into a proactively assertive person.

Proactive doesn't mean angry, dominating, or forceful. Being proactive means staying in control even when others are out of control. It means empowering yourself rather than allowing others to control you.  Share on X

Again, this may be difficult for you. To choose this approach, you first have to choose to change your behavior.

3. Let Go Of Resentment

Resentment is the path to destruction. It will destroy your emotionally.

I like the term passive-aggressive. It describes many people who are unhappy in their marriage. They hold a lot of resentment and anger towards their spouse for things that may have happened in the recent past or many years ago (physical, verbal, emotional abuse, etc.).

They let their resentments build up until they get so upset that a fight begins. The resentment towards your spouse grows bigger every day. Resentment is like cancer; it just grows and spreads until it kills the host (your marriage).

Resentment is the path to destruction. It will destroy your emotionally. Share on X

Cultivating Gratitude in Your Marriage: A Proactive Approach

• Cultivate a Gratitude List. Choose one or two things that you are grateful for about each of your children, your spouse, etc. This is just an exercise to increase your awareness of the positive traits people have that can be a blessing to you (and others).
• Make it a Family Activity. Once per week review the lists together and discuss the items present on the list. Ask your children to identify one or two things they are grateful for about you.
• Write Down Three Things You Feel Good About This Week. This single act will put you in a more positive, grateful frame of mind. 
• Use the power of positive statements and write down another three things on the list that you will do to make your spouse or family better this week (something proactive).

Notice that these first three aren’t about your spouse. When we realize that change begins within, we are on the road to make things better. If your goal is simply to ‘make your wife different’ you are on the path to failure. Transformation is possible. The path is not what you think. Begin with you.

Once you follow the first three steps, now it is time to address things with your wife.

4. Confront the Problem

Notice I didn’t say, ‘Confront your wife.’ This is not an aggressive assault against your spouse. It is acknowledging there is a problem to seek a solution. If you approach your spouse as if she is an enemy, you will have war. That’s what enemies are for – war.

If you approach your spouse as if she is an enemy, you will have war. That's what enemies are for – war. Your spouse is not your enemy. She is your partner Share on X

Your spouse is not your enemy. She is your partner. You must keep this in mind if you want to resolve the issues. Your mindset is a key to making things better.

Practical Steps for Confronting the Problem

These 5 steps will help you move in the right direction with the right attitude.

1. Be Loving

What is your goal in confronting the problem? Is it to ‘set her straight’? Put her in her place?

If this is your goal, you are misguided. Sure, there are times we have to put our foot down on issues of disrespect and bad behavior. But the goal is not merely to correct, but redirect. We should seek to redirect the relationship into something positive.

The goal should always be to create a more loving marriage. When we act out of love, we produce love. When we act out of bitterness and resentment, we produce more of the same. This is the nature of life. It’s the principle of reciprocity. We get what we give. We reap what we sow.

When we act out of love, we produce love. When we act out of bitterness and resentment, we produce more of the same. This is the nature of life. It's the principle of reciprocity. We get what we give. We reap what we sow. Share on X

2. Talk Openly

It’s important to be honest about how you feel and what you need from your relationship.

I choose to believe that most couples want to have a happy home-life and serve their partner. Therefore, tell your wife what you need. Don’t accuse. Just be open about your desires.

This doesn’t have to be a negative conflict. Remember, the goal is to connect. This only happens when we are honest. Be honest without accusation. It might be tricky, but it is the key to success when dealing with difficult issues.

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3. Be Clear.

It’s not enough to say, ‘I feel hurt.’ You need to be clear on the behavior that brings up those emotions. Be specific. While I believe we should not be controled by our feelings, they do matter. So be clear about your feelings.

For example, ‘I feel hurt when I come home at night and you are cold to me.’ The more specific you can be, the more powerful your statement will be. 

4. Be Positive

The more positive you can be about your marriage, the better. ‘The glass is half full’ versus ‘the glass is half empty.’ The longer a couple stays together, the more difficult it is to stay positive. Again, our natural tendency is to focus on what’s wrong. 

Relationships can be complicated. However, when we focus on the positive things in life, our life changes for the better.

5. Be Persistent But Gentle

Be patient as you work through issues towards improvement in your relationship.

What if you don’t get the response you wanted? What then?

At some point you may need to get professional counseling. In the meantime, three things to focus on:

1) Keep working on you

If you choose to change your behavior, you can change your marriage. But it takes time. You must be patient and persistent. 

2) Give it time

Change doesn’t happen overnight. Real, meaningful transformation takes time because you are changing the nature of your relationship, not just a brief event. This kind of alteration in your marriage takes time.

3) Work a focused program.

If you are randomly ‘trying things’ to see if it helps your marriage, you could be do more damage than good. It’s best to get a solid plan and work that plan until you see positive results. Doing the wrong thing will only hurt your relationship further. We recommend two programs:

Save the Marriage System, by Dr. Lee Baucom

Mend Your Marriage, by Brad Browning

Both have videos that explain how the program works. You can watch by clicking the links above.

Final Thoughts on How to Respond When Your Wife Takes You For Granted

I am confident that if you follow these steps, your marriage will improve. I have seen a lot of ‘hopeless’ situations turn around to become positive.

Two keys to success in relationships (especially when your wife takes you for granted):

1. Be patient with your spouse while you work on yourself. You are the one who has the power to change things. It all begins with you.

2. Remember you are partners, not enemies. Your perspective on this will determine the ultimate ‘win-lose’ ratio of your marriage.

Your wife’s behavior is mostly a reflection of your behavior. It may take time, but if you stay on the path of positive, respectful behavior, she will be more likely to reciprocate in kind. The kind of marriage each partner wants to live in becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Summary

• How can you know if your wife is taking you for granted? 
  • 1. She does not give you any attention
  • 2. She does not praise you when you do good things
  • 3. She has poor or non-existent listening skills
  • 4. She doesn’t attend to your needs or meets them only minimally
  • 5. She does not show up for you in difficult times
  • 6. She makes you feel worthless
  • 7. She compares you to others
  • 8. She makes excuses for her bad behavior
  • 9. She is un-supportive of your goals
  • 10. She makes you feel bad about yourself
  • 11. She is indifferent to your problems
• 4 Ways to Respond When Your Wife Takes You for Granted
  • 1. Fix Your Attitude and Behavior First
  • 2. Be Proactive, Not Passive
  • 3. Let Go Of Resentment
  • 4. Confront the Problem

What’s Next?

To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.

Five Simple Steps Marriage Course
Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini series you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.

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