Many marriages have struggles.  The causes vary, so it’s important to ask: Are you the problem in your relationship?  In this article we discuss why it might be so, and what to do about it.

Before we lay out the case for looking inside before blaming your spouse for your relationship issues, watch this video.  It puts the topic into perspective and will help you understand why ‘internal issues’ are the biggest cause of failure in our lives – including our relationships.

Why You Should Stop Looking For Problems In Your Spouse

There are many reasons to stop finding fault and blaming others for how we feel.  In general, it is a bad way to run your life.  Here are a few key reasons to stop looking for problems in your spouse and focus on yourself instead.

1) No One Is Perfect; So Give Your Spouse A Break

We did an entire series on the subject of forgiveness because if you are in a relationship long enough, you will do something that hurts your spouse.  

It’s not an excuse to live recklessly.  It’s certainly not a reason to hurt others without realizing the consequences.  But it is a reminder that we live flawed lives.  And sometimes we do things we later regret.

It’s those unintentional events that remind us we are human.  

Remembering we all do things that hurt others should help us realize we should let others off the hook for things they do.

If you need help learning how to forgive and let go, read our series of forgiveness.  A good place to start is here. 

2) You Are Responsible For Your Own Happiness

Our spouse can contribute to our state of mind and emotional well-being, but they are not the source of our happiness.  Only you can control how you feel.

Sure, our partner’s mood can affect us.  However, in the big scheme of things, we are the only ones who can truly control how we think, feel, and behave.  

Our spouse can contribute to our state of mind and emotional well-being, but they are not the source of our happiness.  Only you can control how you feel. Share on X

If you really think about it, our partner can influence us, but the ultimate choice is ours in how we respond, how we behave, and how we live our life.  

We should always strive to be a positive influence on others, but don’t confuse that with controlling how they think or feel.  

This is one of the principal rules of life:  You are responsible for your own happiness.

The minute you give away your responsibility, you lose your autonomy as a person.  You become a servant to what other people think.  That is never a viable option for how to live your life.

This means you should not look to your spouse to MAKE you happy.  That is something you choose for yourself.  It’s one thing to enjoy your spouse, appreciate their sense of humor, and like their personality; it’s another thing to expect them to make you happy.

That is too much pressure for anyone.

I love that I make my wife laugh.  I know her sense of humor, so I often say things I know will make her smile.  It gives me a sense of joy.

It’s one thing to try and make her laugh, it’s another to think I can control her mood.  I hope you see the difference.

Bottom line:  You are responsible for your own happiness.  So take the pressure off your spouse, and get control of your own emotions, thoughts, and actions.  You will be better for it.

We should always strive to be a positive influence on others, but don't confuse that with controlling how they think or feel.   Share on X

3) You Can Not Change Your Spouse; But You Can Change You

This goes along with the previous thought.  Because you are responsible for your own happiness, only you can change yourself.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is trying to fix (change) their partner.  

Let’s face it, no one likes to feel controlled.  We resent it.  We are wired for self-control.  When someone violates that principle, it harms the relationship.

In reality, you can’t change your spouse.  You can try, but it usually comes across as manipulation and control.  Two qualities most people despise.

The only person you can honestly change is yourself.

I realize many couples have issues in their relationship.  Things need to change on both sides.  But trying to change the other person rarely produces the results you intend.

I realize many couples have issues in their relationship.  Things need to change on both sides.  But trying to change the other person rarely produces the results you intend. Share on X

For example, couples come to me for help with communication problems.  It often looks like this:

The wife nags the husband because he doesn’t talk.  This only reinforces his lack of openness. The more she pressures, the more he closes up.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Or…

The husband complains about the lack of physical intimacy in the relationship.  He uses guilt and pressure to try to get her to open up more physically.  This only makes her feel less sensual and more frustrated.  It too is a vicious cycle.

When they change the focus and work on changing THEIR attitude and behavior their marriage improves.

4) When You Are Healthy Emotionally, You Can Better Serve Your Spouse

Psychologist Seth Meyers (not the TV late-night host) says our self-image and mental health has a tremendous impact on relationships.  The less comfortable we are internally, the greater the negative impact on our marriage.

“Everything is related; being depressed or angry about other parts of your life will impact your relationship in negative ways,” he said.

(huffpost.com)

I specifically use the term ‘serve your spouse’ because that is the heart of a healthy marriage.  If you want to understand why this important, read A Tale of People With No Elbows.

You may also want to learn about the marriage wheel.

When we focus on helping our spouse be, do, and achieve everything they desire, it reciprocates back to us. That means what we sow is what we get. Even in our marriage. Therefore, sow good in your spouse and it comes back to you.

Couples – happy couples – understand that good marriages are not only based on feelings for each other, but more importantly, how they feel about themselves. It’s almost impossible to truly love someone else if you do not love yourself (I’m not talking about self-centered, ego love, but genuinely realizes you are a person valued by God).

It does take two people to make marriage everything it should be. But that journey must begin within your own heart. Both partners should try to be their ‘best self’ in order to serve and love their partner in a healthy way.

When we focus on helping our spouse be, do, and achieve everything they desire, it reciprocates back to us. That means what we sow is what we get. Even in our marriage Share on X

What Are The Internal Issues That Can Wreck Your Relationship?

Now that you have a basic understanding of why you should look within to find the real remedy for your relationship problems, let’s look at 4 internal underlying issues that can wreck your marriage.

1) Letting Offenses Build Up Will Damage Your Trust In Your Marriage

It’s easy to see how these four issues make for a toxic relationship. Allowing little things to build up over time will erode trust in your marriage and destroy your chances of a happy relationship. It is not a matter of believing your spouse will be faithful; trust is about resting in the fact that you know they have your best interest at heart.

Lack of trust happens when we are no longer confident of this and our emotional connection is broken.

If you allow little offenses to stack up, you run the risk of damaging that confidence.

2) Shame and Guilt Causes Us To Withdraw from Intimacy In Our Relationship

The University of New Hampshire psychology and counseling services has this to offer about shame:

• Shame drowns us in a feeling that we are wrong, not worthy.
• Shame often steals our energy and hinders us from taking corrective action.
• Shame lingers on and often is at the foundation of ongoing mental health and substance abuse problems.
• Shame teaches us that we are bad and hurts our relationships.

3) Self Doubt Keeps Us From Feeling Secure In Our Marriage

Self-doubt is those pesky thoughts that arise when a new opportunity presents itself. They are thoughts that you are not good enough, qualified enough, smart enough to accomplish what you are faced with.  

(Source)

Self-doubt is like an inner critic that constantly says negative things in our minds.  

When something happens, that inner critic always has an opinion and interprets the event as negative.

Self-doubt is like an inner critic that constantly says negative things in our minds.  When something happens, that inner critic always has an opinion and interprets the event as negative. Share on X

My wife and I often call it the ‘committee in our head.’  It is a compilation of the voices in our minds that sabotage our efforts.  That committee can wreak havoc on your relationship.

4) Unresolved Anger Creates Resentment and Distance in Your Relationship

Getting mad or upset about something is not the same as unresolved anger.  We all get upset over situations at times.  When we allow that emotion to continue, and we do not deal with it, it can become an unresolved issue.

The longer we fail to address our emotions, the greater the potential for them to become something destructive.  Unresolved issues will destroy your relationship.  They are like a cancer that eats away at the very fabric of love and trust.

Self-doubt is like an inner critic that constantly says negative things in our minds.  When something happens, that inner critic always has an opinion and interprets the event as negative. Share on X

If you battle unresolved issues, we have a series on ‘Anger in the Family.‘  It is a five-part series that will help you navigate those internal issues.  We also have it available for free as a PDF download.  Click below to get immediate access.

Signs You Might Be The Problem In Your Relationship

No one wants to think they are the real problem in the relationship.  Self-evaluation is healthy so you can identify the core issues, address them, and move forward.

To help you evaluate if you are letting your internal conflicts affect your marriage, here are 3 things to look out for.  In the video that follows I expound on these three keys and give two things you can do to resolve those inner issues.

Here are the three signs you might be the problem in your marriage:

1. Out of frustration and insecurity, you find yourself starting arguments with your spouse.
2. You find yourself pouting over issues that are minor and unimportant.
3. You ‘think’ you are no longer interested in improving your marriage.

Two things you can do to stop being a problem and get your marriage back on track:

1. Be Read With Yourself
2. Talk Openly With Your Spouse About These Things

Final Thoughts on Are You The Problem In Your Relationship?

Navigating marital issues is challenging.  Partly because we fail to realize the real source of the issues.  Answering the question, ‘Are you the problem in your relationship?’ is a key to understanding the real source.  Only then can we work toward solutions that actually work.

Obviously not every problem is the result of an internal, personal conflict.  Sometimes things happen that bring issues to the surface.  It’s only in evaluating the true source of the problem that real solutions can be found.

Summary

In this article we discussed why looking inside is the best place to start when dealing with marriage issues.  We also listed several big inner conflicts that have potential problems for relationships.  We concluded with three symptoms of failing to deal with inner issues.

• Why You Should Stop Looking For Problems In Your Spouse
  • 1) No One Is Perfect; So Give Your Spouse A Break
  • 2) You Are Responsible For Your Own Happiness
  • 3) You Can Not Change Your Spouse; But You Can Change You
  • 4) When You Are Healthy Emotionally, You Can Better Serve Your Spouse
• What Are The Internal Issues That Can Wreck Your Relationship?
  • 1) Letting Offenses Build Up Will Damage Your Trust In Your Marriage
  • 2) Shame and Guilt Causes Us To Withdraw from Intimacy In Our Relationship
  • 3) Self Doubt Keeps Us From Feeling Secure In Our Marriage
  • 4) Unresolved Anger Creates Resentment and Distance in Your Relationship
• Signs You Might Be The Problem In Your Relationship

What’s Next?

 To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.

Five Simple Steps Marriage Course
Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini series you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.