What Your Husband Wants You To Know About What Makes Him Feel Like A Man
What makes a man feel manly?
Is it carrying an ax to chop wood wearing a flannel shirt?
Or big muscles. A mustache and beard?
Well, maybe. I do like all those things. But there is more to it.
You can watch the video summary of this article here.
In this article I want to talk about 7 things that will make your husband feel like a man. A real man.
But first, a quick story:
‘My wife makes me feel worthless!’
Unfortunately, I hear that frequently than I would like to admit.
I was at coffee shop putting the finishing touches on a writing project and my cell phone buzzed.
I recognized the name on the caller ID. I hadn’t seen him in over two years, so I was a little surprised he was calling. Especially since it wasn’t a special occasion (my birthday, etc).
I immediately knew something was wrong by his tone. He was hurt.
We chit-chatted for a minute but he didn’t waste time; he said rather flatly, ‘She makes me feel less than a man!’
I knew it was hard for him to say. He is, after all, a real man. A good man.
Not the macho-chauvinistic male bully. Not at all. He is gentle. Kind. Strong. Committed.
“I don’t know how long I can continue this relationship. She doesn’t value me as a person. And she treats me like a boy.”
He then went into a litany of things she said and did. Honestly, even listening to him recall her words made me draw the conclusion that she was intentional. She purposed to hurt him.
Afterward he paused…
Then said: What do I do?”
That last part hit hard. What do I do?
Quite frankly, I didn’t know what to do.
Each situation is different. Since we all process things differently, there is no single answer to that question.
Related Video: Brad Browning Talks About 3 Marriage Murdering Mistakes
I’d much rather tell his wife what to do than give him advice that might not fit.
Before you jump to conclusions, when I say I’d like to tell her what to do, I’m not talking about telling her to ‘take a leap.’
What I mean is…
I would love to let her know she is not just destroying their marriage, but she is molding her character into something resembling Cruella De Vil.
She is hurting another human being.
I want to tell her to stop criticizing and manipulating to get her way and start doing things that will actually help her husband grow into the man (I assume) she desires.
I didn’t talk to her. I did, however, have a lengthy conversation with my friend. I said a lot of the canned things we say…
- Consider counseling.
- Have a heart to heart and let her know how you feel.
- Be firm…but kind.
- I even pitched the idea of a temporary separation if things continued to escalate.
By the way, this is rarely even brought up in my many conversations with couples experiencing problems. Don’t’ think this is a ‘go to’ response. It is not.
Dr. Lee Baucom has an interesting take on what separation does to your marriage.
After we hung up, I thought about conversations I’ve had with men in similar situations.
The real cry of these men is to feel manly. Men want to feel like a man.
The opposite would be the feel emasculated. Stripped of what it means to be a man.
So, what makes a man feel manly?
In This Article
Seven Ways a Man Needs To Feel Manly
#1 Honor His Authority
I can here the ‘close tab’ clicks now.
Hear me out.
I’m not suggesting men want to control women. Far from it.
Authority for a man means that he is respected, heard and honored.
When he speaks, it is valued.
Authority doesn’t men whipping their ‘woman’ into shape. It doesn’t mean ruling with an iron fist.
It means his direction and guidance matters.
I like how April Cassidy relates this concept in her article, ‘A Husband and Wife’s Authority in Marriage.’
There are two types of authority in marriage:
1. Positional Authority
This is the type of authority that God gives to husbands, church leaders, governmental leaders and managers/bosses at work
2. Influential Authority
Authority that someone has who does not have positional authority but who acts more as an advisor. This type of authority can be as powerful or more powerful than positional authority.
Here’s my point:
It’s the influential authority (I believe) that matters most to men.
When they feel their influence is valued, it makes them feel manly. It’s not ‘blind obedience’ that creates that feeling; it’s when you choose to acknowledge their influence.
Related Article: 5 Ways of Building Trust in a Relationship
#2 Respect His Independence
This is probably not the best term to convey this concept.
But here it is…
Marriages should allow our spouse to remain independent. That doesn’t mean we don’t need each other, or we should rely on each other. Quite the opposite.
A healthy marriage is interdependent. We DO need each other.
At the same time, everyone (women and men) wants to know they have a sense of independence. We can still enjoy hobbies, friends and other things without feeling trapped.
When asked how a wife can show respect to her husband, one woman put it this way (Reddit)
If he needs some alone time or time out with friends, respect it. Don’t be upset thinking that he wants to be away from you. Don’t make him feel guilty either. Everyone should take time for themself. Just an “okay babe, have fun and be safe” will help make him feel like he has that respect from you to allow him to be his own person.
If you don’t like his raggedy, old leather rocking chair in the living room then make sure to help him create his own space in the house somewhere where he can have his chair and make it feel like his stuff matters too.
Let me give you an example (because this can be grossly understood):
I love to fish. Always have.
When I was a kid our family vacations were always spent in Louisiana where my parents are from. We spent a lot of time on the lakes and bayou’s fishing. So, I developed a love for it.
I also enjoy when my wife wants to go with me.
There are times I want to be by myself. Just me, a kayak, and the river. It’s my time to unwind and enjoy the outdoors.
By the way, my wife has ‘her things’ as well.
Knowing I have the independence to go do my thing reinforces my manhood.
Just like doing her thing reinforces my wife’s womanhood.
Note: These things should never be done at the neglect of higher purposes. That’s selfish. Not independent.
We should always value our spouse above our own pleasure.
#3 Express Your Love
Love is not just a ‘girl emotion.’
Every man I know longs to hear his wife express her love.
It’s not just about sex. It’s about being affirmed.
Valentine’s Day is our favorite holiday. Sure, Christmas, Thanksgiving and 4th of July are great. But Valentine’s Day is OUR day.
I’m preparing our special night. Flowers. Chocolates (although I’ll be the one eating most of them), a person letter (our tradition) and card. Music and dancing (because that makes her feel loved). And a very special dinner. We don’t go out. Way to impersonal for us. Our special night is a hand-crafted creation we work hard to perfect.
Why I’m I telling you this? Not to publicize our event.
No. To let you know what makes my wife feel loved.
But that’s not my love language. Sure. I love doing all those things. Don’t’ get me wrong.
My love language is the look in her eye that tells me how much it means to her.
That makes me feel manly.
When she let’s me know I’m the only man in the world that could ever satisfy her heart.
That’s the expression of love I’m talking about.
It’s important to men. Honestly, that’s an understatement.
Men need to know they are loved.
#4 Have Fun with Him
One thing I’ve learned from working with couples…and individuals… is inside every man is a little boy. And inside every woman is a little girl.
That boy and girl love to play.
One of the top things you can do to build a great marriage is play together.
Games. Recreational sports. Comedy shows. Whatever gets you laughing.
“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
How true. Laughter can erase a days worth of trouble.
“I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh.”
― Maya Angelou
“The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.”
― Mark Twain
Too often couples lose their sense of humor. Life gets serious, so we turn off our laughter.
Don’t allow things to get so serious you forget to laugh and have fun with your spouse.
# 5 Let Him Know He is Safe
Sounds funny, huh?
Guys want to feel safe in their relationship. How?
He wants to know he can be himself AND be loved in spite of it. This doesn’t mean he can misbehave, and you’ll always put up with it.
But it does mean that you won’t judge him on his bad days or criticize him for his blunders.
He desires a safe place to be himself.
Safety also implies he will not be manipulated, criticized or undermined by his wife.
Too often couples play emotional games. They manipulate to get their spouse to do something instead of simply having an adult conversation.
We know a couple who frequently play the manipulation game.
He is outgoing and likes to do things outside the house.
She prefers to watch television and stay indoors.
He constantly schemes up ‘plans’ to get her to do things she really doesn’t want to do.
He bought a Time-Share thinking it would ‘force’ her to get out and go on vacation with him. It didn’t. Not sure the time-share was a good investment to begin with, but it was terrible as a tool to manipulate her.
Rather than have a conversation about his needs, he results to games, manipulation and coercion. And it never works. It always leaves him frustrated and angry.
A safe environment is one where both parties can be themselves AND talk about their needs without feeling like they will be criticized.
Emotional safety is important for men (not just women).
#6 Reaffirm Your Loyalty
This goes back to a previous point. Men want to know that they are the only one for you.
Dating guru Carlos Cavallo says:
A man sees loyalty differently (than a woman). For him, love is loyalty.
It’s important to understand the emotional differences between men and women.
When he feels secure with your love for him, he will try and be the best man he can be for you.
His love for you isn’t like your love for him. If he sees you’re loyal to him…and only to him – he’ll never leave your side.
He’ll protect you and give you love the best way he can.
#7 Want Him Sexually
Yep. There it is.
I’m sure you’re saying, ‘I knew sex had to be in there somewhere. That’s all men think about!’
No it’s not.
But it is important.
Men and women are different. Sex drive is usually (not always) higher with men.
But that’s only a part of the equation.
Sex is not just a drive. It is a need.
One of the best explanations I’ve heard about man’s need for sex is from Jimmy Evans. Jimmy is the founder of Marriage Today.
One of the big statements in this video is:
Men show affection to receive sex. Women give sex to receive affection. When we meet each other’s different needs in marriage, we find fulfillment.
Here’s another video by Myles Munroe that explains the difference in manhood and womanhood.
Note: This is pretty explicit, but worth seeing.
Wrapping It Up
Men are not complicated. At least most men aren’t.
My wife and I often joke about our different wiring. I tease that I’m like a basic ‘on/off’ switch. Not a lot of moving parts.
She, however, is like the console of a jet airplane. Sometimes I’m not sure which button to push first.
It’s a joke. So, don’t worry. She’s actually in on it.
As over simplified as that joke is, there is a grain of truth in it.
Not the ‘women are complicated’ part; the men are simple part.
There are many ways to say ‘I love you’ to a man. But these seven keys will unlock your husband’s heart.
It is the beginning steps to make your man feel manly.
Here they are again:
- #1 Honor His Authority
- #2 Respect His Independence
- #3 Express Your Love
- #4 Have Fun with Him
- # 5 Let Him Know He is Safe
- #6 Reaffirm Your Loyalty
- #7 Want Him Sexually
It’s your turn.
What do you think?[Women] Are there ways you try to make your husband feel manly?[Men] Are there things you wish your wife would do to make you feel more appreciated?
Leave a comment below.
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