We asked our readers to give their best advice on how to make my marriage happy again; here is what they said.
Every couple faces challenges in their relationship. Yet each couple desires to have a happy marriage. Those who succeed in navigating those issues are the ones who stay focused on what matters most, and apply practical, common solutions to their problems.
In this article we explore what has worked for couples who have created a healthy marriage. In there own words they offer simple advice on building a great relationship. Don’t ignore the simplicity of their words.
Sometimes the simple solutions are the best. Keep that in mind as you read.
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Before we begin it is beneficial to define happiness. When we talk about happiness in marriage, we are not referring to superficial, trivial emotional feelings. These types of feelings are driven and control by circumstances and are mostly undependable (in terms of building your life on them).
Most clinical psychologists define happiness as subjective well-being. It is “the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile.”
Sonja Lyubomirsky (Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside) discusses happiness in this video. It’s worth watching as we discuss practical things we can do to make our marriage happy.
We picked the 11 top marriage suggestions for couples to help build a strong and happy relationship.
Someone once said, ‘Married couples shouldn’t just look at each other, they should look in the same direction together.’
One implication is when we are looking in the same direction we don’t get caught up in the insignificant things that our spouse is doing. Those things do not carry weight when we share a dream together.
However, if we do not have a common goal or purpose with our spouse, it is easy to get caught up the ‘incidental things of life’ and allow them to derail our relationship.
When you fail to have a shared vision, every little thing can be blown out of proportion. Little things become big things when you focus on the wrong things.
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It is vital to remember marriage is not a solo act. It is a partnership. When we lose sight of that we find ourselves trying to do everything alone. You are not meant to be alone or to do life in isolation.
Marriage is the solution to this. But it takes teamwork to create a great marriage.
To be able to ask for what you need in a marriage and to put it out there makes us vulnerable because we might get rejected. What if our partner says no? What if they don’t accept your needs and will not see to them? That’s scary. But if we do not voice our needs and ask for them to be met, we rob our partners the opportunity of being there for us and being a true partner.
Be Clear About Your Desires
This goes along with voicing your needs. Often we talk about what we don’t like instead of focusing on what we do want.
It takes a certain level of soul searching and introspection to figure out what will make us happy and give us a life we truly want. I have noticed that when people discuss what things they value and what they want, positivity tends to follow.
When I tell my husband “I don’t want __,” his response is usually “then what do you want?” It gets us close to nowhere to list anything negative.
5. Live In The Present
Two signs of an unhappy marriage is boredom and restlessness. One way to avoid this is to live for the moment.
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We are driven to complete tasks. This is not a bad thing. Being productive makes us feel accomplished. Successful.
Yet, it can (not always but sometimes) causes us to think about the future at the expense of the present. We can get so focused on what needs to be done we lose sight of enjoying life now.
I’m a visionary. I tend to keep my eyes on what I want to accomplish in the future. This means I have to consciously determine to stay in the ‘now.’ I cannot allow dreams for the future to rob me of passion for the present.
This has more to do with our mindset and focus than actions.
One person commented:
Being there physically but not mentally is painful for your spouse and they can feel neglected. Take the time to put down the phones and tablets, turn off the video games and TV, and be there with each other. Give each other your complete attention and open up about your feelings and savor the moment.
6. Keep Emotions In Check
Emotions aren’t bad. They can serve us, but should never lead us.
When we allow our emotions to go unchecked and we respond to situations out of anger, unbridled passion, or out-of-control feelings, we usually make bad decisions.
When we were a young couple, an older couple told us their story about green beans. He was a dentist and she was a high school English teacher.
Apparently their daughter who was a year older than me wasn’t eating her green beans and dad kept insisting that she finish them–or else. She didn’t and he demanded that she eat those beans. It turned into a knock-down drag-out with him livid and demanding that she eat her green beans or else a myriad of punishments would come raining down on her.
The wife finally yelled, “John! It’s JUST GREEN BEANS!”
And somehow that clicked for the two of them, right then and there.
That tale clicked with my wife and I and we’ve used it for decades, continuing to this day. Many times, the issue at hand really is just green beans.
It’s easy to lose focus on the bigger picture when we get caught up in the emotions of what is happening.
Sometimes we need to slow down and ask ourselves, ‘Is this really worth a fight?’
More often than not the answer will be ‘No!’
We need to learn to pick our battles. This means that not every issue should become an issue. There are very few things (issues, decisions, etc) that should be deal-breakers. Don’t allow your ‘green beans’ to become an issue that destroys your marriage.
We instinctively notice negative things. But we need to try to find things we love and appreciate about our spouse. Do this every day and you will keep your marriage healthy and positive and make deposits into their emotional bank account.
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The Story of the Jar
I heard the story of a couple who were having difficulty. They weren’t communicating so a counselor told them to write down what they wanted to say to each other and put it in a jar. At the end of the month, they would take out the notes and read them to each other.
After a few days they had a minor disagreement and the wife later noticed her husband wrote something on a piece of paper and put it in his jar.
She felt insulted. And infuriated. So she wrote down what she felt about her husband. She vented about how insensitive he was and how much she disliked him at the moment.
Later in the week they had dinner and he was quiet. She was frustrated that he would not talk to her. Sometime later she noticed him put a piece of paper in the jar.
This made her angry. So she wrote down all the things she didn’t like about her husband and put it in her jar.
This went on for the entire month. When they met with their counselor to open their jars and read their notes to each other, the counselor asked the wife to go first.
She took pleasure in reading her notes. They expressed her displeasure in him and told him plainly what she thought of seeing him write notes and put them in his jar.
Finally it was his turn. He opened the first note and read:
‘I know we argued today but I just wanted to let you know how much I love you. No disagreement can ever change how I feel about you.
The next note read:
“I was quite tonight at dinner because I had a bad day and didn’t want to vent to you. I knew your day wasn’t easy either so I didn’t want to be a burden to you.’
Each note was similar. All of them expressing his appreciation and love for her.
When he finished reading his notes tears were streaming down her cheek. She assumed that his notes were negative about her. She had responded to what she thought he was doing, only to discover he wasn’t writing bad things.
The moral of the story is clear: When we let our imagination run wild, we tend to react in negative ways. It’s important to keep the right perspective and seek to find good in our spouse.
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8. Don’t Go To Bed Mad
The best advice my wife and I got was the classic ‘Don’t go to bed mad.’ We make an effort to resolve issues the same day. It doesn’t always happen but we do communicate better and we do not have built up resentment.
This is so simple it is often overlooked.
The Apostle Paul said this:
26 Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.
There are several reasons this is rock solid advice.
First, It Keeps Problems Small
Couples that resolve problems early keep those problems from becoming bigger issues.
Second, It Keeps The Issue in Perspective.
When we let too much time pass before we deal with things we allow our mind time to blow it out of proportion. Little annoyances can become huge mountains if we stop communicating.
Third, It Keeps You Communicating.
When we stop talking, we stop connecting. It’s better to keep the conversation going even if you disagree than withdrawing from the relationship.
Finally, It Keeps Emotions In Balance
Overreacting and letting emotions run wild causes things to spin out of control. By dealing with things early we keep emotions in check. See #6 above.
No. Not just sexually (although a healthy sex life helps). Exercise and stay fit together.
When we take care of ourselves physically, it provides us with a better self-image, energy boost, and positive perspective on life. It also creates a teamwork activity we can work on together.
My husband and I love to work out together and exercise. We go for a walk every evening and go to the gym together 3 times a week – doing it together means we are encouraging one another and spending time together getting fit!
10. Don’t Try To Change Your Spouse
One reader had this to say:
Marry the person for who they are, not the potential you see in them. If there is something you really don’t like about them, expect it to never change, and decide if it’s something you can live with for the rest of your life.
Sound advice! When we try to change our spouse it sends the wrong signal. It says, ‘You are not what I want you to be, so you need to change for my approval.”
That may not be the message you want not convey, but it is the one they receive.
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Sure, we all want to see our marriage change in one way or another. This is normal and healthy. The problem occurs when we project disapproval to our spouse. We must always we conscious of the messages we send.
Remember, communication is not just about what is said, it is about what is heard.
Make sure you are sending the right signal to your spouse. Love, acceptance and forgiveness are key things that need to be communicated on a regular basis.
One question I often ask couples is, ‘Do you consider your spouse your friend?’ I’ve found this is a good barometer of the relationship. The closer the friendship, the happier the marriage.
11. Don’t Stop Working On Your Marriage
I’ll close with this one because it is one of the fundamental principles of a successful relationship.
A Reddit reader put it this way:
You will be different people in 10, 15, 20 years. And you will have to consciously find ways to love each other and connect, especially when work is crazy, the kids need help with school, somebody has to call the mechanic about that noise the car has been making, and the dog is out of food.
Marriage isn’t saying “I do” once; it’s repeating the “I do” every day. The best gift you can give each other is being clear about your needs and taking your partner’s needs seriously.
Change is inevitable. The longer a couple stays together the more change they experience.
This demands that we never stop working to connect with our spouse.
Final Thoughts On How To Make My Marriage Happy Again
The goal of every couple is to have a happy marriage. In this article, our readers gave us their best marriage advice on how to make marriage happy again.
The happiest couples are those who share values, live with purpose, and practice the principles outlined in this article. Is it a guarantee you will never have problems? No. But it will equip you with the tools you need to move past problems and find solutions.
Summary
Happy couples use these tools and principles to make their marriage great. He is a brief recap:
To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:
The Healthy Marriage Quiz If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.
The Healthy Marriage Toolkit Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.
Take the Marriage Quiz and discover your marriage score and get suggestions on how to improve your relationship. You will also be sent the results of your quiz along with suggestions on how to create the marriage of your dreams. >> Take The Quiz Now <<
Five Simple Steps Marriage Course Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini series you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.
Healthy Marriage Courses Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.
Joseph is the Editor and Creator of The Healthy Marriage site. A graduate of Samford University in Birmingham, AL with a major in Counseling and Biblical Studies. He is a certified facilitator with Prepare & Enrich.
36 Questions For Couples
Based on the research of psychologist Arthur Aron who demonstrated how these 36 questions could make total strangers fall in love.
