Disrespect is deadly for any relationship. Especially in marriage where respect should be one of the cornerstones and building blocks of a healthy relationship. Here are 20 common signs of disrespect that could be eroding your intimacy and trust.
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Disrespect is deadly for any relationship. Especially in marriage where respect should be one of the cornerstones and building blocks of a healthy relationship. Here are 20 common signs of disrespect that could be eroding your intimacy and trust.
Ever taken an Uber to get somewhere? It’s a popular ride share business. Uber is rapidly becoming a household name.
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They started in 2009 and was valued at $70 billion (yes, with a ‘B’) by 2017. They achieved such rapid growth (most companies envy their accomplishments) yet it came at a price.
In 2017 the company took the limelight again. This time not for it’s success as a ride sharing phenomenon, but because of lawsuits alleging discrimination, harassment of female employees, and other scandals which caused (then) CEO Travis Kalanick to resign.
Ubers new CEO, Dara Khosrowshahi, came on board to fix things. His evaluation of the problem was a failed company culture that did not value its employees or customers. They valued growth instead.
He stated:
Winning gave some excuses for bad behavior. While Uber was scaling as a business, it wasn’t necessarily scaling in terms of culture.
Disrespect is simply not showing someone the respect they deserve. It ranges from not thanking someone for doing you a favor, to being rude and obnoxious to others.
Disrespect in marriage often comes in the form of insults and rudeness. But it can also imply lack of appreciation for your spouse.
20 Common Signs of Disrespect in Marriage
This list is by no means comprehensive. It covers things couples often don’t think about. Use this as a checklist to gauge disrespect in your marriage.
1) Showing Up Unannounced.
Surprises are incredible among couples. But when my spouse decides to surprise me with flowers randomly, it is a fantastic treat.
However, it may not be a good idea by showing up unannounced when I am busy or contemplating work problems or creative ideas. As a result, if I find my spouse popping up repeatedly at inconvenient places or inopportune times, I must know there is a problem.
For instance, if your spouse shows up frequently at my workplace uninvited and unannounced, causing an ugly scene, then it is a sign of disrespect.
2) Sexual Pressure
If your spouse is not threatening me, you should not be coerced or pressured to have sex. Sexual pressure can include disrespecting my spouse’s physical or sexual privacy, coercion, or threats to obtain sex.
Nonetheless, when it comes to sexual matters, both husband and wife must be prepared. If your spouse does not have the right mood, you should not continue insisting on the issue. Maybe it’s time to have a discussion about needs, desires and wants in your relationship.
One rule of thumb we tell young couples is never use sex as a tool to manipulate or weapon to punish your spouse.
Sex is designed to make you feel connected. Never allow it to become a tool against your spouse.
3) Does Not Make Time To Be With Me
We love to stay connected online so that we know what is happening in other people’s lives. But from my experience, I have realized that if I always stay glued on my phone or tablet, it will indicate that I’m not concerned with my spouse.
In many cases, my spouse will consider that my devices take precedence before them, especially when discussing important family matters.
Contrastingly, if my spouse always spends time on activities on hobbies or spends most of the time with friends exclusively without me, then it is a sign of disrespect.
One of the ways we spell love is T.I.M.E.
Without time we lose connection in our relationships.
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Friends make life better, especially when facing various challenges. However, we should respect the values and things that we share with my spouse more than others.
For instance, it is disrespectful to discuss intimate secrets or embarrass my spouse in front of my friends or family members.
Additionally, my friends should not control our marriage. Although friends can offer me advice when something wrong happens with our marriage, they should not be the ones to influence the decisions that I make.
If they control me, then I will be disrespecting my spouse.
5) Does Not Share Household Chores
If you both work, it does not mean one spouse should return home and get involved immediately with household chores.
Work loads have a deep impact on family dynamics. Couples are stressed to the max (especially during the Coronavirus Lockdown). Working together to ensure basic chores get down is necessary to keep balance in your home life.
6) Your Spouse’s Achievements Do Not Matter
Marriage is not just give and take. It’s more about making deposits in each others emotional bank account. https://thehealthymarriage.org/can-the-love-dare-fix-a-relationship/
It’s impossible to withdraw what hasn’t been deposited. One way we can add value to our spouse’s account is appreciation. But it can’t be through manipulation. It has to be genuine.
One writer put it like this:
Because I’m married to someone I deeply love, I am naturally happy when I see them grow or prosper in life. Anything my spouse achieves is also my achievement. I should express my happiness and encourage them to achieve more extraordinary things in life.
The opposite is also true. If you feel like your spouse does not care about your achievements, it pulls out of the emotional account. When withdrawals outweigh deposits, it’s a sign of loss of (lack of) respect.
7) No Apologies
It is normal for couples to make mistakes. Some spouses will not bend or provide an apology when they make mistakes.
Making lame excuses to convince your spouse you are not wrong is a common sign of disrespect in our marriage.
8) Lies To Me
A healthy marriage is built on honesty. Dishonestly is a sign of bigger troubles.
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A transparent and open relationship is one with deep respect. Lying to your spouse is the ultimate emotional betrayal.
A University of Tennessee study found that forgiveness is easily offered for the same relationship infractions (forgetting to do something you promised), but was increasingly difficult the more severe the betrayal.
It makes sense that deception falls into the severe category of offenses. Joshua Coleman observes:
Our relationships are built upon the fragile agreement that those about whom we care most deeply will behave, in large part, as they have always behaved. A betrayal can shatter that trust and open the door to the possibility that things in one’s small, intimate world may not be as they appear.
Nothing diminishes trust in a marriage quite like a spouse failing to support you.
I’m not talking about blind obedience or compliance. There is a time to stand for truth even if it puts you at odds with those you love the most. However, this rarely happens. Most often, couples encounter tension because one partner doesn’t support the other.
Spouses reporting greater partner support are more satisfied with their marriages than those reporting less support , and spouses often identify a lack of partner support as a major reason for relationship dissatisfaction and dissolution.
10) Refuses To Spend Time With My Family
It’s been said, “You don’t just marry the person. You marry the entire family.” In many ways this is true.
When one partner isolates from their spouses family, it can be a sign of disrespect. Certainly compromises need to be made.
I like how Dear Carolyn addresses this with one of her readers.
For this to work, he needs to see your family time as something you value and encourage you to take it. You, in turn, need to see that his offer costs him valued one-on-one time with you, and accept it judiciously.
Partnership means just that – partners together. For it to work you have to work together (even compromise at times) to make sure both spouse’s needs are met.
11) Not Introducing You To Friends
It is natural for couples to have friends who do not necessarily interact very much with their spouses. But if I run into my acquaintances and old friends, I should introduce my spouse to them to feel part of the conversation.
It can be extremely disrespectful (not to mention uncomfortable) when you are not introduced.
12) Inappropriate Social Media
The boundaries that I have with my spouse about what is and not acceptable in social media channels is something my wife and I agree on. You should draw lines about what you think is appropriate and acceptable when chatting on social media.
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If your spouse engages in social media conversations contrary to your agreements, it is a sign of disrespect and can breed insecurity and distrust.
There is a difference in self care and selfishness. It may be subtle, but it’s there.
Self care is about making sure you function at your optimal best. It includes making sure you reduce stress, eliminate negativity, and make decisions that do not harm your own well-being.
Selfishness on the other hand is focused solely on you without regard to anyone else. It’s having you at the center of all of life.
Jordan Skalisky puts it this way:
At the core of it, self-care is replenishing your resources without depleting someone else’s.
When a spouse moves from self-care to selfishness, it signals trouble in the relationship. It indicates there is a lack of respect for the well-being of your spouse.
I have met couples who blatantly serve up verbal insults. They belittle each other and point out personal flaws. Even to the point of making fun of each other over weight issues, failures and personal struggles. Those marriages rarely last very long. They are doomed from the start.
Judy Reeves offers this distinction between critique and criticism. She uses this to help writers who participate in writing groups, but the insight is worth noting for couples as well.
Criticism finds fault/Critique looks at structure
Criticism looks for what’s lacking/Critique finds what’s working
Criticism condemns what it doesn’t understand/Critique asks for clarification
Criticism is spoken with a cruel wit and sarcastic tongue/Critique’s voice is kind, honest, and objective
Criticism is negative/Critique is positive (even about what isn’t working)
Criticism is vague and general/Critique is concrete and specific
Criticism has no sense of humor/Critique insists on laughter, too
Criticism looks for flaws in the writer as well as the writing/Critique addresses only what is on the page
15) Trying to Change Me
We have several mottos at The Healthy Marriage. My wife is actually the queen of one-liners.
Direction, not perfection. That’s one of them. It indicates that a marriage can’t be judged (or a person for that matter) based on a single event, or point in their life. We’ve all had a bad times and down days. And we’ve all had our mountain top experiences as well. But it’s the direction of your life that matters most.
Another one (that is especially significant for this point) is: Celebrated, not tolerated.
I’m sure you know what it feels like to be tolerated. That feeling you get when you know you aren’t appreciated. People are just putting up with you out of obligation. That stings.
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Marriage should never be like that. You should be celebrated. Not tolerated.
You feel celebrated when you know your spouse appreciates you. You are secure that you are chosen and loved. Your spouse actually enjoys being with you. There is no sense of obligation. They are glad to have you in their life. That’s celebration.
I mention this because too often couples send the signal they merely tolerate their spouse. When we go on a mission to change them, they know they are not celebrated and enjoyed.
It’s not a matter of becoming a better person. Most people truly want to be better. But not at the expense of feeling rejected for who you are.
16) Acting Superior
While roles between husband and wife vary from house to house; it’s important to maintain a system that values each other and the contributions they bring to the marriage. When this is off-balance, it creates a climate of disrespect.
17) Having Personal Habits That Are Inconsiderate
It is normal for me to get irritated by some of my spouse’s habits and qualities in marriage. However, it is not normal when those habits are directly disrespectful or inconsiderate to your spouse.
18) Does Not Respect My Family Or Friends
We all have our circle of influence and friends. A husband and wife should respect that circle (unless it violates and denigrates the marriage).
Respect is shown through politeness, civility, and kindness to people. It’s important to create mutual respect in your relationship. You can do this by working to add value to your spouse.
19) Compares Me With Other People
No one likes to be compared to other people. Especially in marriage.
Consequently, that is not a sign of a happy and healthy marriage but a sign of disrespect. As a couple, we should accept each other the way we are. The uncalled and unwanted comparison indicates that I am not worthy in that marriage relationship.
20) Never Keeps Promises
Marriage is built on trust. Trust is established through commitment and keeping promises.
Everyone fails from time to time. No one is perfect. But if there is a consistent failure to keep promises and honor your word, it indicates you do not value that promise or the person you made the promise to.
Final Thoughts
A home is built on a culture of respect. But like Uber, it’s easy to lose focus of our true values and fail to show respect for our spouse.
We have to work to make sure we create the right climate and atmosphere for trust to grow.
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Summary
In this article we covered 20 common signs of disrespect in marriage that often go unnoticed.
To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:
The Healthy Marriage Quiz If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.
The Healthy Marriage Toolkit Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.
Healthy Marriage Courses Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.
