Discover practical tips on how start a conversation with your spouse—even if you don’t feel confident or “ready.” This article shows why waiting for perfect conditions holds you back and shares step-by-step advice and real-life examples to help you build trust, connection, and stronger communication in your marriage.

I still remember our first big fight…

I was scheduled to be out of town. Had to leave early in the morning to be in Knoxville, TN to meet my business partner.

Something happened. Can’t remember the exact words that were said, or the ‘thing‘ that went sideways, but I do remember my wife.

She cried.

She’s not a easy cry. So it hit me in the gut. It broke me. I knew she was feeling ‘whatever it was’ deep.

I remember not knowing what to say. Feeling the pain of what she was feeling. Feeling like I failed somehow.

Like I said, I don’t remember the issue. I just remember how the issue impacted her. How it impacted me.

So I did the only thing I could think to do.

I called my partner and said I wouldn’t make it. He would have to go it alone.

And I stayed home so we could talk.

I didn’t know the solution, but I did know THE verse. You know the one? The one that says, ‘Don’t let the sun go down on your anger…’ (Ephesians 4:26)

So, for me, the one thing I knew about the situation was, it was more important than my appointments. More important than even my job. More important because…

SHE was more important.

So I stayed.

We talked.

Ended up snuggled on the couch all day. After the words had been said, apologies given, tears wiped away, and love affirmed, we sat.

Holding each other.

In that moment I knew I discovered the key.

I knew the path to reach resolve. I experienced enlightenment.

It wasn’t having the right words. It wasn’t knowing what to say. It wasn’t even trying to understand each other.

Yes. Those things are important.

But the key was…

Being there.

Caring enough to invest. To work things out. Loving enough to not let go.

How To Start A Conversation When Things Are Tense

There are skills that will help you navigate the rough waters of marriag conflict, but the key to success may not be what you think.

Before we talk about the way to start a conversation, you need to understand two principles as think through the process.

#1: You Don’t Have To Know All The Answers

This got me thinking about the most paralyzing assumption I hear from married couples everywhere: “We need to figure out how to communicate properly before we can tackle our real problems.”

Let me challenge this belief by focusing on one “necessary ingredient” that keeps too many couples waiting in silence when they should be talking.

The “necessary ingredient” that often keeps people waiting on the sidelines is the idea that you must have all the right communication skills before starting a meaningful conversation—especially in the context of marriage.

Many believe that unless they have mastered conflict resolution, learned the best communication techniques, or become confident speakers, it doesn’t make sense to bring up important issues or start real discussions with their spouse. This leads to avoidance, delays, and missed opportunities for connection.

Deeper conversations start by beginning. If you don’t know how to start, try this:

• Ask open-ended questions
• As follow-up questions
• Show interest
• Find common ground

These are basic, but they will help you get the conversation going.

2: The “Perfect Communication Skills” Myth

Here’s what I hear constantly: “We can’t discuss the big issues until we learn how to communicate without fighting.”

This sounds reasonable, right? Why dive into tough conversations if you’re just going to hurt each other?

But here’s the truth that strong marriages know: You don’t learn to communicate by avoiding communication. You learn by communicating—messily. Imperfectly. And with lots of trial and error.

Sure, it helps to know the basics. But communication starts with desire. The desire to connect. Resolve issues. Make things the way they should be. This is the heartbeat of real communication.

4 Reasons to Start Talking Now, Even Without Perfect Skills

If you are a perfectionist, you probably want to know all the answers, have all your ‘t’s crossed and i’s dotted’ before you engage. This is a trap.

There are four big reasons to start (and keep) talking, ever if you feel like you aren’t ready.

1. Real Communication Skills Are Forged in Real Conversations

Research consistently shows that premarital communication patterns predict marital success better than any workshop or technique.

But here’s the key: those patterns develop through actual practice, not theoretical knowledge. Every difficult conversation you have—even the messy ones—is building your communication muscle.

The couples who wait for perfect conditions never develop the resilience that comes from working through conflict together.

2. Your Problems Are Getting Worse While You Wait

Marriage experts consistently find that assumptions are the mother of all relationship problems. When you don’t communicate about issues, your mind fills in the gaps with assumptions.

That innocent comment your spouse made? You’re writing a whole story about what they “really meant.”

The longer you wait to address these misunderstandings, the more entrenched they become. What starts as a small miscommunication becomes a major rift.

3. Connection Happens Through Vulnerability, Not Perfection

This is huge. It’s one of the most overlooked realities of communication.

The most crucial insight from marriage research is this: effective communication isn’t about having the right words—it’s about showing up authentically.

When you wait for perfect communication skills, you’re actually waiting to avoid vulnerability.

But vulnerability is where connection happens. Your spouse doesn’t need you to be a perfect communicator; they need you to be a willing one.

4. Talking says, ‘I care enough…’

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked with couples who have given up. When that happens, they stop talking. As long as you are talking, it signals to your partner, ‘I care enough to fight in order to make this work.’

Sure, fighting is not ideal. But if you stop talking, it’s a good indicator you’ve reached emotional exhaustion. Staying in the fight (conversation) means you want it to work and are willing to invest.

The ‘Stay In It’ Strategy

Think back to Michelle and I. We didn’t have a communication manual. We didn’t know the “5 Steps to Conflict Resolution” (if it even exists).

We just had us. Two people who cared enough about each other to keep trying. Even when it felt hard.

Starting imperfect conversations is better than having no conversations at all.

Here’s what you can do today:

Stop waiting for the “right moment” or the “right words.” Pick one issue that’s been weighing on your marriage—not the biggest one, just one that matters.

Sit down with your spouse and say something like: “I don’t know how to bring this up perfectly, but I care about us too much to keep avoiding it.”

Expect it to be messy. You might stumble over words. You might get emotional.

You might not resolve everything in one conversation. That’s normal. That’s how real people build real relationships.

Focus on connection over correction. Your goal isn’t to win or to be right. It’s to understand each other better and to show that you’re committed to working through things together.

Pay Attention To These Things

Remember (or if you’ve never heard), 93% of communication is non-verbal. So watch out for the the following:

• Non-verbal cues (read the room)
• Listen actively (show genuine interest)
• Engage in the conversation (participate and show up)
• Avoid one word answers
• Ask questions
• Keep eye contact

This is just for starters, but it gives you enough information to enter the conversation with some confidence.

Your Assignment

Don’t wait for a communication workshop. Don’t wait until you’ve read the perfect book. Don’t wait until you feel ready.

Start today with one honest conversation about something that matters.

Because as marriage researchers have found: the couples who learn to communicate effectively aren’t the ones who avoid conflict—they’re the ones who engage with it, imperfectly but consistently.

The question is: will you?

Perfect communication skills don’t create strong marriages. Willing communicators do.

Messy communication beats perfect silence every time

Real skills develop through practice, not theory

Your marriage grows stronger through vulnerability, not perfection

The best time to start that difficult conversation is now

If you want a process to help you get started, we do have one. It’s called The Conflict Breakthrough Blueprint (The Query Method). It’s designed to help you discover the real issues so you stop fighting over things that don’t matter.