How To Effectively Communicate Your Feelings: 7 Steps To Help You Open Up And Connect

Learning how to effectively communicate your feelings can be challenging. In this article, we discuss practical steps to make sure you are getting your message across and connecting with your spouse.

Effective communication is something that takes a lot of work. Especially when it comes to dealing with difficult issues in marriage. Or sharing your deepest feelings with your spouse. 

Story of the QR Code in the Sky 

Earlier this year (March), the Hollywood Report published a story about a publicity stunt to promote a new series on Paramount+.

The series is called Halo. It’s set in the 26th century when humans and aliens are at war.

But that’s not the point of this email. Haven’t seen it.

What I found interesting is the way Paramount promoted the launch.

They used around 400 drones to light up the sky with a message to watch the new series.

Here are a few pics.

The first image is clear. Watch the new show.

The second is very creative. It is a QR code that when scanned (most phones use the camera function) it brings up the website that tells about the series.

And it actually works. I tried on my phone just now and it took me to a promotional page for the Halo series.

Wow.

Here’s what I find very interesting…and significant.

Paramount understands the value of communicating effectively. Not just efficiently.

Efficiency means only using the necessary amount of words to transmit the thought. Effective means making sure the right message is given AND understood. Share on X

Efficiency means only using the necessary amount of words to transmit the thought.

Effective means making sure the right message is given AND understood.

There is a big difference.

I admire Paramount’s creativity. I respect that they focused on making sure their message was seen, heard, and received.

Most couples fall short in this area.

We think (and focus) in terms of efficiency. Not effectiveness.

Go back and read those definitions again.

I’ve talked a lot this week about communication in my daily emails. Because it is so important in marriage. And because so many couples don’t get it right.

I didn’t for years.

I thought having the answers was the most important thing. It’s not.

Knowing how to connect in a conversation IS.

So…

How do you connect? How do you develop the skill set to really make connections? What can you do to grow in this area?

Try these 7 keys to unlock your ability to communicate your feelings to your spouse.

Learning how to effectively communicate your feelings can be challenging. Sometimes opening up about our inner beliefs, feelings, and emotions can be a difficult conversation. Yet, healthy relationships do not avoid difficulty. They face it.

In this article, we discuss practical steps to make sure you get your message across, share your inner feelings, and connect with your spouse.

These seven communication skills will help you have a productive conversation.

 You may also want to read: Asking For What You Want

1) Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling

While we should never allow our feelings to control us or direct our life, it is important to own our feelings. Especially those that come from the deep beliefs we have about ourselves and others.

We discuss the difference between feelings and emotions here.

In order to fully communicate what it is you are feeling and why, you must allow yourself to feel the emotion that you are having in that moment – even if it is anger or frustration!

This is because if we don’t allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling, we will not be able to convey it effectively to our partner – either verbally or through body language. When you learn how to own your emotion and allow yourself to feel it, you will automatically begin to articulate it in words that are meaningful to you.

If you’re going into a conversation with guilt or apprehension about your emotions, it won’t be helpful to you or to your partner. It’s perfectly okay to feel whatever you feel, and it’s also entirely okay to voice those feelings.

2. Label your Feelings

This is one I mention with caution. Our culture wants to put a label on everything. We identify with our hurts, pains, and malladies to the point that we are controlled by them.

For example, it is important to recognize certain issues.

We have a grand-daughter is mildly autistic. When she was a toddler, she had behavior that was not normal. It wasn’t until she was diagnosed that we understood. This diagnosis was helpful.

What is not helpful, is taking that diagnosis and making that the identifier of the person. In our case, we see a beautiful grand-daughter. She is kind, loving, and creative. We do not see an autistic child. There is a huge distinction.

One of the problems with labels is we make them our identifier. This is unhealthy and unproductive.

Labels can help us understand certain things. They should not, however, be used to put others (or ourselves) in a box.

Some say I’m splitting hairs. I don’t think so.

For example, in the school system, we want to find the right box to put every student in. This is not only unfair, it can be detrimental to the students overall growth and progress. A report by M. Henley, R.S. Ramsey, R.F. Algozzine (University of North Carolina) concluded:

Students identified as having problems in school either will meet eligibility criteria for special education services or will be unofficially labeled with such negative adjectives as “lazy,” “unmotivated,” “slow learner,” or “behavior problem.” In the latter case, neither the teacher nor the student will get help.

Report: Labeling and Disadvantages of Labeling

That said, naming your emotions can give you control over them (if you abide by the above mentioned warning).

Naming an emotion can help you move from just feeling the emotion to actually working through it effectively so that you can be emotionally healthy in the long run. When you are able to identify an emotion for what it is – be it anger, fear, hurt, etc. – you can then begin to work through it in an empowering way. Rather than letting it dictate your life and relationships.

When done correctly, naming your feelings empowers you to master them. When you know what you are dealing with, you can work to overcome it.

Naming your feelings is more than just identifying when you are angry. It’s not simply saying, ‘I am angry right now!’

We must move past merely identifying the emotion, and discover why we feel what we feel. This is where the real power is; when we can isolate the root cause, we are in a position to heal that wound. Share on X

We must move past merely identifying the emotion, and discover why we feel what we feel. This is where the real power is; when we can isolate the root cause, we are in a position to heal that wound.

3. Begin with You

This is the only place where you can realistic start. We cannot control others, but we can control ourselves. It’s important to understand this universal law.

Think about it. Can you really control what another person thinks? Of course not. You can try to manipulate them to do what you want, but you cannot control what they think.

Starting with yourself implies two things:

First, you must work on yourself to get healthy emotionally.

Don’t depend on what someone else should do for you. Your mental and emotional health is your responsibility.

It’s wonderful when others come along beside us to help us in our journey. But, it is a journey that you must take. No one can heal you. Others can help, but you must do the work. I trust you understand this in the context of responsibility.

Second, beginning with yourself means you are communicating authentically with your partner.

When your partner understands why you act the way you do, they are in a better position to understand your behavior and respond appropriately.

When you begin with yourself, you are no longer placing blame on your partner for your emotional state. You are taking responsibility for your actions and you are teaching them to do the same.

This helps you communicate in a way that invites understanding rather than rejection.

When you discuss your feelings with your spouse, make sure you avoid placing blame on them. This will allow them to be open to hear you (instead of closing up because they feel judged).

 You may also want to read: 9 Books to Read When You Feel Unloved

4. Keep in Mind You Are Valuable

Knowing your value is the mark of a healthy self esteem and self image. It’s not arrogant. Nor conceited. When we know our own value, it empowers us to be humble.

Contrary to what most people think, pride most often is an indicator of insecurity and fear. People try to cover their insecurities by acting confident and powerful – even if they don’t feel that way on the inside!

A secure person is not threatened by being vulnerable because they know they are valuable! And that is something we should want for our partner! When we esteem ourselves highly, we free ourselves up to give love to others.

A report titled, ‘Self-Understanding Is Fundamental to Communication,’ from the University of Minnesota indicates that how we feel about ourself is reflected in how we communicate.

Your sense of self comes through in your oral and written presentations. Public communication starts with intrapersonal communication, or communication with yourself.

Knowing our true value enables us to realize we matter to our spouse. When we doubt our own value, we often project those feelings onto others. We assume they feel about us the way we feel about ourselves.

It’s important to understand that you matter to your spouse.. Your feelings matter. Try to let go of the feelings of fear or hesitation that you might be experiencing. Let go of those feelings and replace them with feelings of confidence and security in the strength of your relationship.

When we doubt our own value, we often project those feelings onto others. We assume they feel about us the way we feel about ourselves. Share on X

By keeping in mind how much you are valued by your spouse. This will help you:

• Boost confidence and improve your feelings towards each other
• Set better boundaries than you have in the past
• Help you build a stronger relationship with your partner.
• Motivate you to be a better partner
• Help you communicate better with your spouse
• Free you to be honest and transparent about your feelings
• Break shame, embarrassment, and fear from you life

These are just a few advantages of knowing your true worth. The big thing to remember is, don’t assume your spouse feels a certain way. Ask them, and discuss your feelings together.

5. Stop the Blame Game

Blame appears in many forms. Most often you can identify it by noticing how often ‘I’, ‘My’, ‘Mine’, and ‘Me’ appears in a conversation. When problems are discussed, are these words prominent? If so, chances are the blame game is being played.

Replace “You made me feel” or “You did this” with a personal statement whenever you get close. It is important to share your perspective – not to point fingers at your loved one.

Think about what you are feeling, why you feel that way, and what has happened to make you feel that way.

The most important thing to keep in mind when you’re having a conversation with your significant other is to be pleased that you have taken this step. There is no doubt that it is good for you and even better for your relationship in the long run.

Blame doesn’t solve problems. It only makes them worse, and prolongs real solutions. It is an indicator of a victim mentality rather than a healthy self image.

By avoiding the blame game, you help shift the focus from “Who is wrong?” to “What can we do to make this situation better?”

After all, the goal is to share your feelings with your partner so you feel understood, and come up with solutions to what is bothering you.

6. Always Think in Terms of Solutions

We’ve already touched on this earlier, but it is worth repeating. Sharing your feelings is not about blaming your spouse for your problems. It’s not about merely (though it is therapeutic to do so) about getting something off your chest.

Ultimately, it is about opening your heart to increase your sense of connection. It is about resolving internal issues so you can feel bonded on a deeper level. 

To think in terms of solutions is not about ‘getting fixed’ by your spouse. That’s not what I’m suggesting. It is about resolving inner conflict that interferes with your relationship.

When we think in these terms, it keeps the conversation focused on the real goal – connection.

7. Expect the Best

I want to close with this one because it is the nail that holds the others together. Without getting into the science (and psychology) behind it, our expectations are a big factor in the outcomes we receive.

It only makes sense that if we go into a conversation in an adversarial way (we think the other person is the enemy), we will frame our questions, comments, and dialog in a way that treats the other person as an enemy.

If, however, we strip all that away and treat the other person as a partner, our actions will reflect this belief. I hope that makes sense. It’s another universal principle of life. For the most part, we get what we give.

Are there exceptions to this rule? Sure. There always are. But the exceptions are rare. So never make your decisions on exceptions (unless past history proves the person can’t be trusted). Always apply the principle of positive expectation.

These seven keys will help you unlock more meaningful conversation and connection with your spouse so you can freely share your feelings.

You don’t have to put a QR code in the sky to get your spouse’s attention. All you need to do is build a bridge that helps you both enter each other’s world.

Update: The Big Key To Expressing Yourself

After posting this article, I ran across an interesting read on BigThink.com. Actor Alan Alda shared his three rules for communicating effectively.

HIs points are:

1. Don’t make more than three points (I mess this up constantly).

2. Expalin difficult ideas in three different ways. Everybody learns differently, so your odds of being understood increase when you explain things in more than one way.

3. Make important points three times. Let’s face it. We learn by repetition.

These points are worth noting. But the thing that stood out the most from the article is his warning. He states:

Tips can only take you so far and may harm your efforts if you try to script your conversations like a formula to replicate someone else’s masterwork.

Alan Alda

He suggests the true heart of communication is connection. And here is the zinger: Strategies will fall flat if not paired with an honest desire to connect with other people.

This has been our mantra at The Healthy Marriage. Real conversation happens when there is connection. It is the heart of communication.

My point in adding this is simple: None of the points above are merely formulas. They are guides. But real connection happens when you open your heart and desire connection.