Good Communication In Marriage: Why Talking Should Be Like Great Sex

Learn why good communication in marriage makes you feel better. Discover how to release oxytocin and improve communication in your marriage for greater intimacy and marital bliss.

Article At A Glance

• Meaningful exchanges in conversations leave you feeling more connected and valued.
• Engaging in two-way communication, where both sides listen and respond, creates a sense of being heard and understood.
• Quality conversations that involve mutual sharing can lead to a greater sense of fulfillment and empathy.

In a recent article on Forbes.com, Soulaima Gourani made this comment:

Oxytocin, the “love hormone,” is released during reciprocal interactions, fostering trust and bonding.

Soulaima Gourani

A little backstory:

The article is about how to master the art of conversation.

It outlines 4 things that make conversation good.

1. Authenticity
2. Depth
3. Reciprocity
4. Listening

One insight she provides is how reciprocity fuels flow.

Simply put, one-way conversations are draining. Two-way conversations are empowering and release the feel-good chemicals in the brain.

Why Good Communication In Marriage Makes You Feel Good

Imagine this. You are in a conversation with your spouse, but they are disengaged, distracted, and withdrawn. They offer no input. No feedback loop to encourage the conversation to move forward.

It looks something like this…

Wife: Honey, You know, I’ve been thinking about our upcoming vacation, and I really think it would be a great idea to go to that cozy cabin up in the mountains. The one we saw in that magazine last month? It’s been so long since we had a proper getaway, and the fresh mountain air could do us both some good. Plus, it’s not too far from here, so we wouldn’t have to worry about a long drive.

Husband:(sighs) 

Wife: And you know, it’s been ages since we had a romantic weekend together, just the two of us. I miss those times when we used to go on spontaneous trips and enjoy each other’s company without any distractions. Remember that time we went hiking and found that hidden waterfall? It was such a beautiful moment, and I miss having those kinds of experiences with you.

Husband: (looks at her spouse, who is reading a newspaper without acknowledging her)

Wife: (voice quivering with disappointment) Anyway, I’ll start looking into the availability of the cabin and the best dates for us to go. It would be nice to have something to look forward to. Maybe we can finally reconnect and strengthen our bond.

Husband:(sighs again, feeling unheard, and goes back to her own thoughts)

Leaves you feeling blah, right? It would me.

My wife calls this, ‘Talking AT someone, instead of talking to or WITH someone.

There is a huge difference.

It’s like trying to tell a story at a party but the other person is looking over your shoulder at another person. It makes you feel like they would rather be talking to someone else.

Now, imagine the conversation happening in this manner:

Wife: (sitting at the kitchen table, looking excited) You know, I’ve been thinking about our upcoming vacation, and I really think it would be a great idea to go to that cozy cabin up in the mountains. The one we saw in that magazine last month? It’s been so long since we had a proper getaway, and the fresh mountain air could do us both some good. Plus, it’s not too far from here, so we wouldn’t have to worry about a long drive.

Husband: (puts down his newspaper and smiles) That sounds like a fantastic idea, sweetheart. I miss those times when we used to go on spontaneous trips and enjoy each other’s company without any distractions. Remember that time we went hiking and found that hidden waterfall? It was such a beautiful moment, and I miss having those kinds of experiences with you too.

Wife: (feeling appreciated and heard) Yes, exactly! I thought you might feel the same way. I’ll start looking into the availability of the cabin and the best dates for us to go. It would be nice to have something to look forward to. Maybe we can finally reconnect and strengthen our bond.

Husband: (nods) That sounds like a plan. Let’s make it happen, and I’ll be sure to set aside some quality time for us during the trip. It’ll be wonderful to reconnect and create new memories together.

This has a totally different ‘feel’ to it. You feel heard. Acknowledged. Even appreciated.

Call it what you want…feedback, engagement, involvement. It’s all about connecting.

The first conversation doesn’t allow for connection. It is one-sided. 

Connection demands (requires) involvement. You cannot connect without interaction.

Think of it this way…

Two Magnets

A conversation between two people is like two magnets coming together. Each magnet represents a person, and their magnetic fields represent their thoughts, emotions, and engagement in the conversation.

In an authentic and involved conversation, these magnetic fields align perfectly, just like two magnets attracting each other strongly. 

When the magnets are aligned, they create a powerful connection, drawing closer together and forming a strong bond. This alignment represents the deep connection and engagement between individuals in the conversation.

Connection demands (requires) involvement. You cannot connect without interaction. Share on X

On the flip side of the coin, in a conversation lacking involvement and authenticity, it’s as if the magnets are misaligned or positioned at a distance from each other. 

In this case, their magnetic fields don’t interact strongly, and there’s no attraction or connection. The conversation feels distant, unengaging, and lacks the magnetic pull that draws people closer.

Just as magnets need to align their fields to create a strong connection, people in a conversation need to align their thoughts, emotions, and engagement to establish an authentic and meaningful connection with each other.

Brain Research and Communication

Scientists use special machines (fMRI’s) to look inside our brains and see what happens when we have important and emotional talks with others. They found that when we’re really involved in a conversation and care about what the other person is saying, some parts of our brains light up and get busy.

For instance, there are two brain areas called the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and the prefrontal cortex. They’re like our brain’s teamwork centers for understanding feelings and caring about what others think. 

These areas become more active when we have real and caring conversations. It’s like they’re saying, “We’re working hard because this chat is important!”

But when we talk to someone without really meaning it or caring, these brain areas don’t get as active. It’s like they’re taking a little break because the talk isn’t genuine or meaningful.

So, what this shows is that our brains really like it when we connect and care about what others say. When we do that, our brains work better, making our conversations more honest and enjoyable. 

It’s like a reminder that being sincerely engaged in a chat makes it more special and meaningful for everyone involved.

Back to Soulaima’s comment: 

Oxytocin, the “love hormone,” is released during reciprocal interactions, fostering trust and bonding.

We’ve known for a long time that our brain releases oxytocin and other feel good chemicals at certain times (exercise, sex, etc). It’s fascinating to learn that these same chemicals are released when we have genuine, authentic, engaged conversation with our spouse.

Effective communication goes beyond surface-level interactions and involves engaging with others on a deeper level. Share on X

4 Marks Of Effective Communication For A Happy Marriage

Here are four big things that mark good communication in marriage. You can use these as a blueprint to help you improve your communication.

Connect with People

Having deeper conversations helps you connect better with others. Lesson: Make an effort to talk to people in a more genuine and friendly way.

The importance of meaningful connections in conversations highlights the value of building deeper and more genuine relationships with others.

Lesson: Prioritize conversations that foster genuine connections and understanding.

Listen and Understand

Good conversations involve listening carefully, caring about what others say, and giving thoughtful responses. Lesson: When you talk to someone, pay attention and try to understand their feelings and thoughts.

Lesson: Effective communication goes beyond surface-level interactions and involves engaging with others on a deeper level.

Quality Matters

It’s better to have a few really good conversations than lots of quick, not-so-interesting ones. Lesson: Don’t worry about talking to many people; focus on talking well with a few.

Lesson: Focus on the quality of your interactions rather than the quantity.

Learn and Grow

Meaningful talks can help you learn new things and become a better person. Lesson: Talk to people in a way that helps you learn and become a nicer person.

Lesson: Embrace opportunities for growth and self-improvement through meaningful discussions.

What’s Next?

When we have real and caring conversations where both people listen and share, it makes us feel closer to each other and happier. Choosing quality conversations over lots of quick ones can help us learn and grow. So, let’s remember the value of talking meaningfully to connect better with others and feel more fulfilled in our interactions.

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