When we lived in Colorado we enjoyed outdoor sports. We participated in some mildly extreme hiking, climbing adventures, but I was always amazed at the adrenaline junkies who teamed up with a partner to do extreme climbing.
There is an inter-dependence (you must trust each other) to make the hard climbs.
Susan Krauss says, “Throughout life, we need relationships to help us feel connected, boost our feelings of self-worth, and sustain our moods.”
If this is true in general,
it is double-true in marriage.
Here’s 7 blog posts on how to meet your spouse’s needs and ‘have their back.’
NOTE: This is written to women, for women, but it applies to both husband and wife. The principles are true regardless of gender. While some specifics apply to women and not men (and vice-versa), I list these because of the principles they present.
Under the big picture of a woman’s need for security, Steve
Wright and the team at Marriage Missions International, lay out four ways a
woman finds security (and has her emotional needs met).
The Big Picture
1. He must communicate that he cares for his wife above anyone
or anything except God.
2. He must communicate his admiration and love for his wife.
3. He must communicate his faithfulness to her.
4. He must communicate his dedication to provide financially.
Key Concept
A woman needs to know she is safe and well provided for in every
aspect.
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I’m sure you are familiar
with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs developed in the 20th Century. These are needs that motivate us on a daily
basis.
Susan Gadoua lists the five
basic categories of needs for marriage relationships.
The thing I like about this
article is she doesn’t just list needs; she puts them in categories. This helps us understand why the needs
exists, and also helps us know how to start the journey to meet those needs.
The Five Marriage Needs (categories)
1. Marriage Survival Needs
2. Marriage Safety Needs
3. Marriage Love Needs
4. Marriage Esteem Needs
5. Marriage Actualization
Needs.
Key Concept
When we as humans don’t have our basic needs met, we become more pushy, aggressive and fear-based. When we feel safe, comfortable, loved and esteemed, we tend to have more confidence, ease and trust that we will continue to get what we need.
Dr. Carol Tanksley agrees
our spouse should do more to meet our needs (that’s the point of marriage in
the first place, right?)
But what happens when they fail?
How do we respond?
What do we do then?
In this article, she lays
out five basic attitudes we must possess to keep our sanity.
Five Steps To Keep Sane in Your Marriage
1. Focus on giving, not
just receiving
2. Make sure you are
investing deeply in the relationship.
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3. Take responsibility for
feeding yourself.
4. Realize God is supposed
to meet many of those needs (not just your spouse).
5. Become comfortable with
unmet needs.
Key Concept
We live in a narcissistic
culture where people feel they are entitled to have every needs met. This is both unrealistic and damaging.
Don’t let selfishness rob
you of real joy that comes from trusting God.
Gary Chapman is considered
everyones relationship coach. In this
article for Focus on the Family, he helps us understand the proper role of
feelings, and discover a deeper connection through choice and commitment.
This is not just a grin and
bear it, or grit your teeth and move on idea.
It’s about tapping into
something deper than emotions.
What Happens When Feelings Fail Us?
Most people think there are
two options:
1. Jump ship and leave
2. Resign yourself to a
life of misery
Chapman offers a third
options:
3. Pursue a deeper love.
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The kind that answers’ the
deepest inner longings of the heart – to be loved in spite of ourselves.
Key Concept
Our most basic emotional
need is not to fall “in love” but to be genuinely loved by another,
to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be
loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.
The Christian Relationship
blog has two articles that address the issue of meeting our spouses needs. One for women. The other for men.
Since we are talking to
women today, I want to let you know about ‘Meeting Your Husband’s Seven Basic
Needs.’
If we are committed to meet
our spouses needs, it helps to explore what those needs really are. It’s easy to project what we want and need
onto our spouse. But let’s face it, men
and women have different needs.
# The Seven Needs of a Man
To know his wife is loyal and supportive.
To have his wife respect and honor his leadership.
He needs a wife who develops beauty – inward and outward.
He wants his wife to appeal to him, not demand from him.
A wife who understands his need for time alone (with God and other men).
He desires a grateful wife.
He desires a wife who is admired by others.
Key Concept
Believe in your husband—no
matter what.
The thing I liked about
this article is that it’s not just bullet points about the needs of a man.
They include practical
things you can do starting today to meet those needs.
John Gottman and the
Gottman Institute are the leading relationship researches around the world. While they are not specifically Christian, I
share this article because Heather Gray (in true Gottman sytle) delivers core
concepts that are backed by relationship science.
Navigating Our Core Needs
1. Core needs are not
negotiable.
Our basic desire for love,
acceptance, unity and security cannot be compromised or the relationship
deteriorates.
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2. How our core needs are
met CAN be negotiated.
This is where open
communication and transparency come in.
We must take time to discover what our spouse needs from us to answer
those basic needs.
Key Concept
Working together to meet
each other’s needs is a dance that can create a meaningful and lasting
relationship.
I recommend pretty much
everything the Gottman’s write. I don’t
always agree with every detail, they present their research in clear way with a
goal to help couples create the marriage they desire.
Ego aside, I want
to include my article in this list of seven.
It’s called ‘4 Secrets to Meeting Your Spouse’s Needs.’
It starts with
an interesting story to set the stage for discovering, honoring and committing
to meet the needs of our partner.
It should be
obvious that men and women have different needs. Just open the conversation with your spouse
about what they truly want and you will discover very quickly just how
different our needs are.
The key to
meeting those needs is first to honor and respect them.
The article
lists the four biggest differences in men and women, then offers some practical
advice for couples on how to connect with our spouse to make sure we are a safe
place for them, and we are positioned to meet those needs.
Big TakeAway
I think we underestimate
the power of simply making our spouse a priority. There is something that
happens when this is the goal of the relationship.
These seven
articles will help you discover your partners deepest needs, and give you
practical steps to meet those needs.
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Be looking for the
next installation of this series: “Articles Every Husband Needs To Read.”
It’s your turn.
What articles
have you read that helped you be the wife (partner) your spouses desires and
deserves?
Leave a comment
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influence.
Joseph is the Editor and Creator of The Healthy Marriage site. A graduate of Samford University in Birmingham, AL with a major in Counseling and Biblical Studies. He is a certified facilitator with Prepare & Enrich.
