The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon And Marriage

Ever hear of the The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon?

It happens when you learn something, then suddenly you see it everywhere.

For example, years back we bought an Olive Green Honda CRV.

I had never seen one like it. It was unique, beautiful, and classy.

The next week, I saw one just like in my own neighborhood.

Now I see them all the time.

That’s the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon.

Three components of the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon

It’s comprised of three psychological keys:

1. Selective attention: Once you become aware of something new, your brain starts to focus on it more, filtering out other information.
2. Confirmation bias: Your mind begins to seek out more instances of the newly learned concept, reinforcing your perception of its frequency.
3. Pattern recognition: Your brain’s natural inclination to detect patterns and establish connections between data contributes to this effect.

This often comes into play in marriage.

The Affects On Marriage

First, we can become so familiar with our spouse that our brain begins to filter out certain things. We end up missing the subtle bids for love and attention our spouse sends our way.

It’s not that we ignore our spouse; it’s that we we select only the things we are familiar with.

I thought about that this morning when my wife asked me what was on my mind. Of course, I gave the typical ‘man answer’ – nothing.

But she persisted. ‘I know something is bothering you. I just want to make sure you are okay. Is there anything I can do for you?’

At that, I opened up. I talked about some stress I was feeling about a business situation.

I’m a very private, stoic person. So, for her to pick up on my internal stress is significant.

Point is, she sensed it. She was able to do this because she is committed to paying attention to our relationship. And not just bumping along through life tuning out important things.

Second, it’s easy to see what we want to see. Or what we think our spouse is communicating, instead of truly hearing them.

This happens a lot with couples.

It’s the confirmation bias inside the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon. We only see what we’ve seen in the past. So we aren’t open to new opportunities.

Quick example will clarify this:

Bob and Kandice (not their real names) are friends. Married for 20 years. Two kids.

Bob had a gambling problem early in their marriage. In fact, they lost their house because of his addiction. And he lost his job.

This put them in a serious financial bind for several years.

But…

Bob cleaned up his act. He now has a steady job. No addictions. Christian. Good father. And for the most part, a really good husband.

Kandice however, has not forgotten the rough patch.

She has serious confirmation bias. She only sees what he did in the past, not who he is in the present.

She has become blind to the fact that he changed.

Sometimes his words trigger her; she goes back to that ‘place’ emotionally and gets stuck.

As you can imagine, this puts a strain on their relationship.

Good news is, they are both aware of what is happening, so they can now work on the issue.

And…

Here’s where we can use all this for our advantage.

It’s possible to train your mind to filter out the past. To selectively see the good. To pay attention to the ‘less than obvious’ signals and bids for love and affection.

It takes work. But it’s worth the work.

We often work with couples in troubled marriages. Many times, their problems are perception issues, than ‘real’ issues.

In other words, they are stuck in a negative Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon cycle.

They aren’t seeing things the way they are. They filter things and hold on to the bad, failing to see the good.

Unfortunately, this is easy to do. It takes commitment, dedication, and intention to your mindset.

But it’s possible.

Five Ways To Break The Negative Cycle

Here are five things you can do to break the negative cycle of the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon.

1 – Be Aware Of Your Biases

Awareness is 90% of the battle. When we are aware of biases, we are empowered to change them.

You can’t change (won’t change) what you are unaware of.

Develop a habit of paying attention to what motivates you. This is a good place to start.

2 – Challenge Negative Thoughts.

We don’t have to believe or own every thought. So, challenge negative perceptions.

3 – Limit Media Consumption.

A study was done at the University of Pennsylvania with 143 undergraduate students.

They were placed into one of two groups. The first group only used social media for 10 minutes per day. The second group used it as they normally would.

The results showed those in group one experienced decreased loneliness and depression, reduced anxiety and FOMO (fear of missing out), and improvement in over-all well-being.

4 – Create A Reality Check Routine

Set periodic times with your spouse to talk about issues of importance. This shouldn’t be a grip session; rather a time to connect and listen for non-verbal signals from your partner.

5 – Expand Your Universe.

The more we break away from our set routines, the more elastic our brains become.

In other words, when we do new things, we help our brain see things from a different perspective.

Wrapping It Up

In this article we discussed how the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon impacts how we communicate with our spouse.

Understanding this will help us recognize negative patterns, and work toward positive solutions.

We also included five practical things you can do to pull against the tendency to fall into a negative cycle.