Social media is the norm of our culture. Posting and highlighting our life and scrolling through everyone else’s feeds don’t always feed the need for relational health in our lives.
In fact, feeding your social media urge could be starving the nourishment your marriage needs. Maybe it’s time to consider a social media contract in your marriage.
Social media can be a great tool for marketing in business, reconnecting you with old high school friends, and staying in the loop by seeing what everyone is up to and posting. But, how healthy is it for our marriages?
What happens when a little becomes a lot? What happens when nominal usage time begins to encroach and affect your marriage because of the overuse of social platforms?
We aren’t even talking about infidelity necessarily, although there are plenty of examples and temptations available on social media platforms.
We are zeroing in on behaviors around the amount of time spent on these platforms that have used up the time you would have spent on your real relationships.
I wonder how many people have tapped out on their marriage because they are preoccupied. The constant scrolling and checking out the feeds of others might be affecting your marriage.
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The Numbers Don’t Lie
According to, H. Tankovsca, 82 percent of the population in the United States had a social networking profile, representing a two percent increase from the 80 percent usage reach in the previous year. This equals approximately 223 million U.S. social media users as of 2020
If 82 percent of people are on social media sites, chances are likely it’s affecting marriages.
A study done at Santa Clara University reveals four areas social media has a negative impact:
- It fosters a false sense of connection.
- It is addictive and (like any other drug) erodes relationships.
- It diminishes interpersonal skills (we lose the ability to truly relate to others)
- It is a tool for criminal activity
The last one is beyond the scope of this article. However, the first three have a direct impact on marriage and family life.
Do You Need A Social Media Contract For Your Family?
A social media contract between you and your spouse might be what you need. This might help you navigate the inordinate amount of time spent on social media.
As a society we have become individuals who are scrolling our life away and sometimes even the sacred, our marriage gets misplaced.
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Faisal Bup wrote an enlightening article on the effects of social media on families. I found this quote interesting:
Over the past two decades, children who, for example, watch television, have received messages from popular culture telling them that parents are selfish, When friendship is conducted online and through texts, kids are doing this in a context stripped of many of the most personal—and sometimes intimidating—aspects of communication. It’s easier to keep your guard up when you’re texting, so less is at stake. You aren’t hearing or seeing the effect that your words are having on the other person. Because the conversation isn’t happening in real-time, each party can take more time to consider a response. No wonder kids say calling someone on the phone is “too intense”—it requires more direct communication, and if you aren’t used to that it may well feel scary.
– Faisal Bup
Our most precious relationship is threatened because of neglect or disregarded all because social media took first place.
A social media contract between you and your spouse may put some clear boundary lines around the usage of social media.
The terms can be between the two of you depending on your particular struggles. You customize it to fit your needs as a couple.
It isn’t a hard legal agreement but an agreement to be more committed to each other than a social site.
Sites that numb you out to the reality of your real, authentic life can begin to erode the once well-fed marriage.
If a social media site is a threat to the health of what you have in your marriage, cutting back or cutting it off could be the smartest thing you could do. Share on XIf a social media site is a threat to the health of what you have in your marriage, cutting back or cutting it off could be the smartest thing you could do.
It can be put in these terms to your spouse:
Out of respect and love for you and our relationship, nothing will interfere or take priority over us, over our connection and literal relationship.
We value each other more than anything or person that would interfere or stifle our connection.
We choose each other first and guard what we have to preserve it, nurture it and watch it flourish. This is our commitment to one another.
Why Couples Might Need A Social Media Contract
Have you noticed that your little use has become more lately? Do you find yourself getting sucked into the social media black hole?
Endless scrolling only to find yourself getting sucked in deeper.
Moving on to back-to-back sites that distract you and numb you out to the other things in your life that need your attention.
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The temptation is subtle and yet profoundly real because it affects us, leaving a strain on our relationships.
Spouses being put on the back burner. Conversations become distracted and shallow because checking social media is the drug of choice to numb out with.
What exactly is the checking about? FOMO. Fear of missing out? Out on what? What if the fear we experienced revolved around the issue of checking out on our spouse.
What if we were more concerned with becoming disconnected from our spouse because of social media interference. We drift further apart when a commitment to social media is stronger than the commitment to our spouse. Share on XWhat if we were more concerned with becoming disconnected because of social media interference.
We drift further apart when a commitment to social media is stronger than the commitment to our spouse.
The relationship with your spouse has become weaker while the social media connections are stronger because they are fed with time and attention being given to them.
When your spouse becomes less of a priority and set aside we shouldn’t be shocked if the relationship withers and suffers.
Consider the time investment you have made to social media sites. Whether it is viewing or creating for them. Commitments are involved. Whatever we invest in grows and what we starve begins to wither. Just like a muscle we seldom use, atrophy starts to happen.
Is a digital shadow dividing you? Is the shadow lurking in every corner between you and your spouse? Is your phone or device always in front of you begging for your time, again and again?
Years ago, when the blackberry phone came out it was termed the crackberry because of its addictive qualities.
We aren’t necessarily talking phones here, but because they are always within our reach or in our hands the temptation to “hop on and check” social sites sucks us in and essentially shuts our beloved out.
This is why you might want to consider: Do you need a social media contract for your marriage?
What Should Be Included In A Social Media Contract?
A social media contract can take many forms. As I mentioned, it doesn’t have to be a ‘hard’ legal contract. It is more of a guide to monitor how we spend our time, and what occupies our attention.
Every agreement should be unique because your relationship is unique.
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When you draft your social media contract, here are a few things you should consider.
1. How much time will you allot to social media?
Can you both agree on a specific time at the end of the day that you both shut down social media?
This would help you reconnect in conversation and heart. Shutting it down helps you invest in each other, feeding your relationship, and growing together as a couple. And remember, quality time is essential for a healthy marriage.
How much time allotment should you commit to in being on social media sites? What is the time frame you both find reasonable?
Maybe you commit to ten minutes per social media site per day. If you follow three, you commit to each other that you will not be on social media for more than thirty minutes a day.
It’s a little more challenging if social media is part of your work. It may require more from you. You know when it’s past a work obligation and is just sucking you in.
2. How will you hold yourself (and your spouse) accountable?
It is still possible to post and refuse to get distracted and start scrolling. Hold yourself accountable to a higher standard.
Things to consider as you work through this question:
- Why one of you sees social media as the greatest temptation?
- How will you confront (approach the subject) if one of you is spending too much time?
- Can you agree to not be offended when confronted?
These things should be discussed before you agree on a course of action.
3. What sites are off-limits?
What apps or sites are included in your social media accounts you follow? Is your spouse comfortable with these or does it trouble her/him? If it’s too tempting, remove the app from your phone. Problem solved, relationship preserved.
Do everything possible to keep the factor of trust as a strong solid foundation.
If they are not comfortable with a site, ditch it, they matter more and the peace that will permeate your relationship will reflect the wisdom of your choice to honor them.
4. What is the ‘turn-off’ time each night?
One thing you should include in your contract is a specific ‘shut-down time each night. This will help you set a healthy boundary so you don’t waste downtime focusing on things other than your marriage.
Set a ground rule that all devices have to be powered off (or set aside) by a certain time each night.
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5. Set a media-free zone.
Media-free zones are places you refuse to allow cell phones, television, ipads, readers, etc.
This may sound a little extreme, but it can be a great concept to consider if you are guilty of over-using social media.
For example, we have an unwritten rule in our house – no TV in the bedroom. Bedtime is a time we unwind, talk, and connect. As one of my friends (and mentors) says, ‘The bed is for sleeping and making love; not television.’ I agree.
Do we ever break the rule? Sure. But not often. During COVID-19 we did watch television in the bedroom occasionally. But even then, it was rare. We like to read, so we do read at night in bed. But no social media, television, etc.
Consider having an off-limits place where social media is not allowed.
One of the reasons we enjoy spending time at the lake is we have no (extremely limited) cell service there. It is our time to disconnect from work, media, etc, and connect to each other.
Do You Need A Cyber Vacation?
Just to clarify, I’m not meaning to get lost in the sites. I mean removing yourselves completely from them.
There are a couple of ways you can do this:
1. Fast Social Media For a Time
I’m sure you are familiar with the concept of fasting. It usually revolves around food – fasting is when you stop eating for a specific amount of time. It gives your body time to purge and heal.
You can do the same with social media.
Consider taking a fourteen-day break. I know it sounds like Go big or go home, but what if doing this paid off big in your relationships?
Not just your spouse, even though this will be the biggest factor. It will affect all of your relationships.
What if taking a cyber vacation from social media improved all of your relationships. You became more connected, less distracted.
Fully present in conversations with those you loved. Now you aren’t just saying they matter the most. Your presence shows it.
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You are shutting everything out to contribute to the health and well-being of the most important people in your life and solely, your spouse.
After the first few days of weird withdrawal symptoms, you start to recognize a difference, like any addiction you start noticing changes in yourself. You see clearer. You are more present.
With your spouse, you discover you are more of an active listener now, with zero distractions of social media pulling for your attention.
2. Set Specific Online Times
Another way to do a cyber-vacation is to set specific times when you refuse to go online. We’ve done this during the holidays. One Thanksgiving we asked our children to leave their phones by the door so we could connect without distractions.
There are many ways to have a cyber-vacation. Find something that works for you and your family, and make it a tradition.
Guidelines For Monitoring Social Media
North Central University recommends three guidelines when considering your use of social media (especially as it relates to your marriage):
1. Don’t compare yourself or your marriage to those on social media.
We tend to put our best foot forward on social media. This can lead us to think other people have no problems. This is a blatant lie.
We run the risk of losing our sense of intimacy if we spend our time wondering or worrying about how we measure up to others.
2. Set aside blocks of time to nurture your relationship.
Nothing spells love like time. Spending time together will create a stronger bond in your relationship.
If you remind yourself that social media is only a tool (and nothing more), and commit to building your relationship, you can experience a strong, healthy marriage.
3. Do not maintain a separate social media life.
Don’t live a double life. It does not sustain relationships because it is based on virtual reality, which by its nature cannot support the activities needed to make a relationship work.” That is up to you as individuals, and it still requires hard work.
How Will You Monitor And Stay Accountable?
When something is a struggle it might help to get a point of accountability. Accountability is the key. What we monitor will improve.
We should approach social media like we do weight loss. Those who monitor their weight on a regular, consistent basis, have a greater chance of succeeding in reaching their weight goals.
This is because they stay focused and in tune with what is happening in (and to) their body.
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The same can apply to our online habits. When we monitor them, we have greater success at controlling our behavior.
There are various apps available that record your usage time and lock you out after a certain time amount is used up. Find one that works for you.
When we monitor our behavior, we have greater success at controlling our actions. If we monitor what we eat, we control our diet. If we monitor our social media intake, we control our lives and relationships. Share on XYou could remove the app from your phone or Ipad. Even telling a close friend your struggle and asking for support in prayer and asking them to hold you accountable on a regular basis.
Seeking professional counseling for strength and digging deeper helps us find what is going on behind our behavior.
Recommended Apps and Tools
Here are a few of the tools we recommend to help you get control of your online activities. Note that a few of these tools are designed to give parents control over their kids’ online behavior, but they can be used for couples as well.
Covenant Eyes for pornography addiction and accountability.
Qustodio for parental control. Can also set limitations on the amount of time a user is online.
PC Tattletale for monitoring and control of online activity.
Final Thoughts on Creating a Social Media Contract for your Marriage
Several social media sites are available to us today, including Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, LinkedIn, YouTube, and more. It is part of our daily lives and can be a valuable tool. But sometimes it can be destructive to your relationships.
Establishing a few ground rules to protect your relationships through a social media contract can help you guard against the downsides of online activity. Share on XEstablishing a few ground rules to protect your relationships through a social media contract can help you guard against the downsides of online activity.
In this article we talked about why having a social media contract with your spouse can help put boundaries around your relationship. We also discussed a few tips on what should be in a media contract.
Summary
A recap of what we covered:
- The Numbers Don’t Lie
- Do You Need A Social Media Contract For Your Family?
- Why Couples Might Need A Social Media Contract
- What Should Be Included In A Social Media Contract?
- Do You Need A Cyber Vacation?
- Guidelines For Monitoring Social Media
- How Will You Monitor And Stay Accountable?
What’s Next?
Where To Find Help
We have resources available to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve.
The Healthy Marriage Quiz
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The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs, and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.
Healthy Marriage Academy
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.
[…] You might consider creating a social media contract for your family. […]