The Dangers of Fantasizing in Marriage

The dangers of fantasizing in marriage have been studied, debated and explored for centuries.  Fantasizing is a hotly debated topic.  Is it really that dangerous?  Is there a safe fantasy that is not destructive to your relationship?

In this article, we will tackle these questions.

The Story of John and Janet

John and Janet had a few marriage issues.

John fantasized about leaving Janet and hooking up with a co-worker. It was a way to ‘deal’ with Janet pressuring him (although the pressure was mostly manufactured in John’s own mind).

Over time, the fantasy grew and became his source of escape. It occupied his mind and began to control his reality. He became more disconnected with Janet (which amplified the problems) and thought more and more about his co-worker. Eventually John acted on his fantasy.

The seed of his fantasy became the fruit of his choices.

What This Article Is NOT About

Before we jump into the dangers of fantasizing, I want to make sure we are on the same page and you don’t misunderstand.  Not all fantasy is bad or unhealthy.  So let’s be clear about what we are talking about and what we are NOT talking about.

• Not talking about healthy role play

This is not about fun role between a couple. Some sexual games can enhance our relationship and add a little spice to your life.”Sexual fantasizing can be healthy, particularly for a reasonably healthy couple that uses their increased excitement to move toward rather than away from the partner.”

— Patrick Carnes

• Not talking about the need to detox and retreat

We all have times we need an escape from the pressures of the day. Retreats are healthy, as long as they don’t become a life pursuit of escaping responsibility.

• Not just talking about sexual fantasies

I refer to sex throughout the article because it is one of the top ways men escape. But it is not the only fantasy people have.

Sex is a big part of marriage, but it is not the only part. Therefore, fantasy includes any make-believe idea that causes you to disconnect from your spouse.

That is the primary way we will use fantasy in this article.

The Dark Side of Fantasy

In this article we will explore fantasy and how the dark side of it can hurt your marriage.

But first…

I want to repeat; not all fantasy is bad or unhealthy. Day dreaming, imagining and even meditation can fall in the fantasy arena in some way.

The ability to fantasize, to daydream, to explore internal worlds of imagination, is a valuable, even critical component of the human mind. It reflects our ability to manipulate thoughts, ideas, perceptions and reality, all within the private confines of our own minds.

– Psychology Today

However, there is a dark side to fantasy.

It’s a dangerous mental game that disconnects you from reality. Pornography, fantasizing about another person sexually, what it would be like to ‘be’ with another person, or what life would be like if you hadn’t married your partner…

These are dangerous fantasies that can potentially damage your relationship. Even if you think they are innocent.

We have serious issues with the idea that sexual fantasy involving someone other than your spouse is morally neutral and harmless. While we understand the arguments that have been advanced in support of this view, we can’t get around the fact that fantasy of this nature when considered in light of the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:28, is adulterous by definition and presents a real difficulty for Christians. It’s also problematic in that it objectifies the sexual experience and involves the intrusion of external influences into the intimate relationship between husband and wife.

– Focus on the Family

Jill Manning has done research on the effects of pornography on marriage and family for decades. She found internet pornography to be especially damaging for five reasons:

1. It leads to sexual deviance
2. It increases the possibility for sexual perpetration (rape)
3. It changes intimate relationships by objectifying people
4. It instills the myth ‘women cause rape.’
5. It causes behavioral and sexual aggression

We can add a few more.

Dolf Zillman and Jennings Bryant:

6. It decreases sexual intimacy and satisfaction with your spouse
7. It decreases sexual desire in marriage (preferring masturbation instead).
8. It creates unrealistic expectations about sexual relationships.

Heather Wood also notes:

9. It fuels manic defenses (feelings of power)
10. And offers an escape from real relationships

In a culture where almost anything goes,it’s important to realize the research indicates these behaviors and perspectives are damaging to our lives and the lives of others. Each one of these issues is concerning; the last one, however, is the one we will focus on. It relates to the core of marriage – connection.

Any fantasizing (either through pornography or mental framing)can cause disconnection. Certainly pornography is more dangerous, but don’t overlook other aspects of fantasizing as potentially dangerous to your marriage.

Is it really that dangerous? Is there a safe fantasy that is not destructive to your relationship?

Yes, fantasizing can be very dangerous to your relationship and psychological well-being. But there are forms and levels of fantasy that are good and healthy. Knowing the difference in good and bad fantasy is important.

What Constitutes a Good and Bad Fantasy?

Here is how we define each in the context of marriage.

A good fantasy is one that helps you clarify your dreams, meditate on good things, and believe for good things in your life.

Meditation is a form of positive fantasy (although I don’t like to attach that word to it). Using your imagination to come up with creative solutions, possibility thinking is important.

These imaginations can actually help you connect on a deeper level.

For example, if you use your imagination to think of ways to express your love, appreciation and respect for your spouse, you will feel more connected and bonded.

These are constructive thoughts that serve you and help you.

What you continually think about ultimately dominates your life.

What about bad fantasies?

A bad fantasy is one that is destructive. It moves you further from truth, and deeper into false reality.

It disconnects you from your spouse and family.

In the video below I dig deep and discuss seven (7) reasons fantasizing can damage your marriage.

How to Use Fantasy to Your Advantage

I often do an exercise with groups when speaking in public. It demonstrates how ‘things’ can get stuck in our minds and the best way to release them.

I walk the group through the exercise by telling them I do not want them to think about a red truck. I then describe the truck in detail. All the while telling them not to think about the red truck. I use the words ‘red truck’ over and over.

After a lengthy time of talking about the red truck I ask them, ‘Who here is thinking about a green frog?’

Of course, the answer is always no one. At least so far.

Most of them are thinking about the red truck I’ve been describing – even though I’ve asked them not to think about it.

I then ask them to think about a green frog. I describe where the frog is located, how it looks sitting on a lily pad. The pond where the lily pad is. How green the frog is. On and on I pile up more and more details about the green frog.

I then ask, ‘Now…how many of you are thinking about the red truck?’

More times than not, everyone is now thinking about the green frog. The red truck is no longer the center of their focus.

So, what’s the point of this exercise? It’s really pretty simple.

The way you stop thinking a ‘wrong’ fantasy (thought) is by replacing it with a ‘good’ ‘ one.

Trying not to think about something only fuels the thought. The only way you can successfully stop focusing on one thing is to start focusing on something else.

How this applies to your marriage:

Fantasizing can lead us to wrong conclusions and misguided ideas about our relationship. It can cause us to detach rather attach to our spouse.

To change this, you need to change your thoughts.

Fantasizing can be beneficial if you fantasize (think about) the right things instead of the wrong things.

What to do if You are Stuck in Fantasy

One of the most important keys is: Confess, don’t suppress.

Jeffrey Dahmer is name familiar to most. He was a serial killer responsible for killing and dismembering seventeen men and boys.

Judieth Becker was one psychologist who interviewed him. He admitted he had been tormented by thoughts of torturing animals even as a young child. She writes:

He found these thoughts repulsive and attempted to suppress them. And he basically ended up being haunted by them for the rest of his life.

(Source)

It’s interesting that he tried to suppress his thoughts, but they wouldn’t go away.

Many psychologists now suggest one way to dislodge thoughts is to confess them.

I’m certain this is not the full story, but it is a great starting place. Suppressing troubling thoughts doesn’t make them go away. While other things need to be added to confession to dislodge negative thought patterns (fantasies), it is a necessary ingredient.

ALSO READ: My Husband Watches Porn: 6 Things You Need To Do

Taking on the Role of Priest

One afternoon (several years ago) I got a call from a young man who was separated from his wife. She had discovered an affair he had with a co-worker.

He wanted his marriage to work. Wanted his wife to forgive him (they were working on it). And underlying all the pain, heartache and disappointment he had in himself, he was seeking something else as well.

As we talked, he was open and transparent. Shared several details of how it started, what he was thinking, and why he thought it happened. Not once did he blame his wife. Which I thought as significant.

After about 45 minutes I realized he was waiting for me to do something. When it dawned on me I took a leap..

I took him by the hand and offered to pray for him. As I prayed I said something to the effect of:

I forgive you and absolve you of your sins!

You may think that is off-based or even unbiblical. I disagree. My background is in ministry and counseling, so I felt I was standing on solid ground in offering him release.

The relief on his face was immediate. I realized he wanted to meet with me BECAUSE of my ministry background and he wanted forgiveness.

He had asked his wife, his boss (who knew of the affair) and both sides of the family. One thing was missing. He wanted to know God would forgive him. I was the representative (in his mind) for God.

The minute I proclaimed forgiveness to him, his entire countenance changed. He was able to let go of the tormenting thoughts and felt empowered to regain his life.

If you are stuck in fantasy, it’s important to confess it, and work to change your thought patterns so you do not re-enter that world of make-believe.

Getting unstuck may look a little different for everyone -we are all unique – but the fundamental factors remain the same.

Wrapping It

The dangers of fantasizing are well documented. As we have seen, not all fantasy is bad. When it crosses the line and leads to dis-associative patterns of behavior and disconnection from others, it is unhealthy. It can be especially damaging for marriage.

Summary

In this article we covered several concepts about fantasy.

Here’s a quick review:

• What This Article Is NOT About
  • • Not talking about healthy role play
  • • Not talking about the need to detox and retreat
  • • Not just talking about sexual fantasies
• The Dark Side of Fantasy
• What Constitutes a Good and Bad Fantasy?
• How to Use Fantasy to Your Advantage
• What to do if You are Stuck in Fantasy

What’s Next?

To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:

The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.

Magic Relationship Words by Susie and Otto Collins

The Devotion System This free video will show you why men pull away and what you can do to enhance your relationship.

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