How to cope with a blended family takes skill, determination, and perseverance through the challenges of becoming a blended family. Here are five tips to help you cope (and succeed) in your blended family.
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Nobody signs up for a divorce or a breakup. It hurts everyone involved, but at some point, you meet someone new. You fall in love. You love each other’s kids. Unicorns are flying over your heads sprinkling joy and love.
It starts getting serious. You have decided a blended family is in your near future.
You have your fiance, all of your combined kids, the ring, the venue, but do you have the skills necessary to establish a new normal for all of you?
Doing your homework on the front end will save you a lot of pain on the back end.
Misconceptions happen as we idealize what our life will look like as we come together as one unit.
Being realistic, yet hopeful about the uncertainties in front of you, will help you navigate the challenges of everyone living under the same roof.
Misconceptions happen in a blended family when we idealize what our life will look like as we come together as one unit.Being realistic, yet hopeful about the uncertainties in front of you, will help you navigate the challenges. Share on XStaying cohesive in your relationships as a blended family is a healthy goal. This isn’t automatic. It is gradually obtained through respect, understanding, and a healthy dose of necessary grace extended to everyone in the family.
Bringing two families to g ether is a long-term investment. Keep in mind that the divorce rate increases for people who get married a second time around. Look at blending a family as a long-term goal rather than a quick fix.
Research even shows that blending a family takes upwards to 5 years, so prepare yourselves for the long haul.
Source: Dr Sheryl Ziegler
Time is your friend as everyone adapts to their new normal.
Five Tips To Keep Your Blended Family Strong And Healthy.
Here are 5 tips to help you start with as you walk into this new unchartered territory in your life.
Tip 1: Make Sure Your Marriage Is Healthy.
Evaluate your own weaknesses and start addressing those areas that could stand some extra support.
Make sure the new marriage foundation is strong. Do the work you need to do to have a solid foundation for your new blended family. Get counseling, read the books, and do the work in the areas that need to be completely healed and restored. We recommend beginning here.
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Moving into a new relationship with unhealed wounds affects the whole family. Unhealed wounds left untreated will bleed over into the whole family. This affects everyone.
They are often undetected but experienced by those we live with.
Ask for honest feedback to properly assess if there is something you need to address, so you can be whole and well for your new family.
Being proactive with yourself helps contribute to a strong, vibrant new marriage.
Then you will then be strong and healthy enough in yourself for your new marriage to handle any challenges that you face.
Tip 2: Let Go Of False Expectations.
Unrealistic expectations will set you up for disappointment. A blended family is hard work. It will take diligent effort for your new family to be strong and healthy.
For example:
You might be dreaming of all of your kids being best friends, not just new step-siblings. This is not a realistic desire.
Maybe desiring they get along well, instead of the desire that they become best friends, is more realistic. It takes the pressure off and removes disappointment.
Another example:
You are NOT their Mother or Father. You’re a bonus parent who loves them and wants to provide a loving secure home for them with their parent. It is vital to understand your role.
A natural desire is to want them to love you and bond strongly with you instantly. It takes time. Trust the process by letting go of making it happen on your timetable.
Sometimes the process is slow. Sometimes, it reveals the rejection you have that they didn’t intend or mean by a response they had with you. Don’t personalize it. This will keep you whole instead of wounded.
It’s easy to paint a fairytale picture in your mind of a beautiful blended family looking like the Brady Bunch.
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The only challenge you face is Tiger running wild at the wedding just like the episode on T.V. This would be a great reality, but it won’t show you how to cope with a blended family. In case you don’t know the Brady Bunch episode, here it is:
Wouldn’t it be nice though? Zero sibling rivalry. No issues with ex-spouses. No competition between family members.
One warning about stepfamily life:
Let’s address the temptation to overcompensate by giving more to your step-children because of fear.
Fear tries to tell you( even though it’s not the reality) that you give more to your own children so you overcompensate by giving more to your husband’s children. Because you want them to bond with you. It doesn’t work because it’s a fear-based approach, not relationship-based.
It’s ok to let go of overcompensating and draw a boundary line when you know you are striving to give to everyone equally.
Setting realistic expectations with a plan that addresses problems will help you grow in unity as a family. A set plan is the boundary when emotional responses want to lead you another way.
Troubleshooting potential future issues will keep you intact as a couple and in your new family. This can help you adapt and grow together and set you up for success.
Tip 3: Set Well Established Boundaries About Parenting Style
The best way to set good boundaries is by discussing your parenting styles and the way you discipline.
Knowing this from the beginning will help you resolve any conflict about it in the future. This can help keep offenses low and trust ranked high because you are aware of your partner’s parenting and discipline style.
Two quick examples of areas that need to be addressed: Chores and Discipline.
How To Manage Household Chores In A Blended Family
How you handle issues over household chores? Who does what? And when? These issues may cause tension with your spouse if not talked about.
It might be that your idea of a chore is vastly different from your new spouses. It can be challenging, but decide which hill you truly want to die on? Is it worth it? Could you lower your bar of expectations, or even discuss meeting in the middle over chores?
Meeting in the middle would be a good solution to keep resentment from building up if you feel strongly about the issue.
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Talk about where the boundary lines fall in the area of chores.
How To Handle Discipline in a Blended Family
The area of discipline is another challenging area. But establishing household rules is important.
Everyone’s approach to discipline looks different. Some parents are militant with authoritarian-type rules, others are more laid back in their approach.
And then there are those parenting styles that are passive because they are afraid their child won’t like them; especially after a divorce.
Boundaries are guard rails, keeping the bad out and preserving the good within those guard rails. When boundaries are violated reactions occur.
Boundaries are guard rails, keeping the bad out and preserving the good within those guard rails. When boundaries are violated reactions occur. Share on XMake sure you know where your boundary lines fall in the area of chores, discipline, and respect. Know your spouse’s approach before so it can be discussed.
This will keep you from being caught off guard about your differences when it comes to disciplining each child and how each of you approaches it.
Tip 4: Talk About And Discover What Your Top Five Values Are As A Family.
Once your values are discovered, begin to build on these and lay them as a foundation.Values matter.
We build our lives around them,m but many times we struggle to name them. Take the time to sit with your spouse (and kids) and identify your top values that are non-negotiable.
Every family has its own set. When we get out of alignment our values serve as a point of reference that leads us back home to regroup. Hold family meetings to get back on track.
Maybe your non-negotiable values are: Hard work. Eating together regularly as a family. Responsibility. Kindness. Respect.
When things begin to interfere with these, or we notice we are drifting from them as a family, we gather together and start discussing where we missed it and how we got off track.
We don’t accuse and start pointing fingers, we simply align ourselves and come back to our value system. This is our True North.
It’s not just what we do as a family, it’s who we are. These values define us and motivate us as a family.
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They keep us centered and strong. They keep us growing towards each other when everything else is attempting to pull us away from each other.
Reminding ourselves of those values keeps us grounded together.
Tip 5: Do Not Say Negative Things About Your Ex To One Another In Front Of Your Children.
It’s tempting to lash out verbally during tense conversations that revolve around custody, finances, parenting responsibilities. But it never ends well for the kids. You might feel better venting but It wounds the kids and breeds more mistrust all the way around.
This will only hurt them and make them resent you. The kids will personalize it because this is their parent. There isn’t a good way to paint a bad picture of their Dad/Mom.
Truth has a way of revealing itself and it doesn’t need help being explained by a resentful ex. It is sad enough without help from anyone.
Your child loves them and you divorced their parent, your child didn’t divorce them.
Speaking well of their other parent will help your child feel secure and help them settle in their new environment as a blended family.
Your child will begin to thrive within your new family unit if they see and sense you support their other parent. It helps insulate your child from experiencing wounds on top of wounds.
They will flourish because they see the unity you have with their other parent. Being in competition with your ex only hurts the child and keeps them in the middle of immature parenting.
Speaking well of their other parent will help your child feel secure and help them settle in their new environment as a blended family. Share on XUnresolved issues with your ex shouldn’t be used as leverage where a child is concerned. Rise above it for the health of your child.
Putting children in the center and not in the middle is the responsible, loving thing to do.
When this approach is a priority every person can experience peace and not a life filled with strife and unrest.
Final Thoughts on How To Cope With A Blended Family
Let’s summarize our tips for how to cope with a blended family.
- Tip 1: Make Sure Your Marriage Is Healthy.
- Tip 2: Let Go Of False Expectations.
- Tip 3: Set Well Established Boundaries About Parenting Style
- Tip 4: Talk About And Discover What Your Top Five Values Are As A Family.
- Tip 5: Do Not Say Negative Things About Your Ex To One Another In Front Of Your Children.
It is possible to have a healthy blended family. Through hard work and knowing yourself well you can help contribute to a thriving, flourishing, happy family.
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[…] Learning to cope with emotions and tension in a new family can be challenging. Working together by acknowledging each others emotional state is a good starting point. […]