Wife Doesn’t Love Me But Won’t Leave: What Should I Do?

My wife doesn’t love me but won’t leave. What should I do? To know how to respond in this situation, you first have to diagnose the real issues behind her words. Do you fight for your marriage? Or do you back off? Where should your focus be?

These are tough questions. In this article we will help you navigate those decisions.

The phone rang late one afternoon. It was a man named Sam. I had met him at an event but didn’t know him. He wasted no time getting to the point:

‘My wife says she doesn’t love me anymore…’

His words hung in the air. As I was about to respond, he continued:

‘But she doesn’t want to leave.’

That changed the direction of my first question. He then asked:

‘What am I supposed to do?’

Sam is not the only man who has faced that situation. My conversation with him that afternoon was like a trip along a winding, narrow road with a steep cliff on one side and a wooded ravine on the other. One step in the wrong direction could spell disaster.

I don’t enjoy conversations like that. There are too many unknown variables that make it almost impossible to give clear direction (not that it’s my job to tell someone what they should do).

I did my best to help point Sam in the right direction. He had tough decisions to make. I knew if he had the right tools and worked from the right set of principles he would survive. I made no promise his marriage would work, but I did assure him he wasn’t alone, and doing the right things would give him a better chance for a positive outcome.

My first question was, ‘How do you know she is telling you the truth (that she doesn’t love you)?’

Let’s start there:

Signs Your Spouse Doesn’t Love You

The big question is, ‘How do you tell if your spouse no longer loves you?’ It is not an easy question to answer because there are so many emotional and psychological variants. Simply put, it is a complicated issue.

While there are signs of emotional disconnect, this doesn’t necessarily mean your spouse doesn’t love you. It may, or may not. All depends. That’s why it is not an easy question to answer.

What this means for your marriage is you need to dig deep to find the answers you seek. It could be that she is hurt and withdrawn from you. Or it could be her heart is closed because she has met someone else. Either way, you need to find out what is going on in her heart.

That said, let’s explore some of the common signs your spouse may not love you.

Let’s look at some statistics:

The top causes for divorce according to a 2003 study:

• Cheating – 21.6 percent 
• Incompatibility – 19.2 percent
• Drinking or Drug Use – 10.6 percent
• Growing Apart – 9.6 percent
• Personality Problems – 9.1 percent
• Lack of Communication – 8.7 percent
• Abuse (Physical or Mental) – 5.8 percent
• Loss of Love – 4.3 percent

Another study done by Shelby Scott looked at 52 couples who had gone through a marriage program to strengthen their relationship. After 14 years several couples divorced in spite of the program. Scott documented their reasons as follows:

• Lack of Commitment – 75 percent
• Infidelity – 59.6 percent
• Conflict and Arguing – 57.7 percent

They also found violence in the home and substance abuse a determining factor in marriages that ended.

68 percent of the couples indicated there was an ‘event’ that served as the final straw that caused the marriage to dissolve.

Other reasons included personal problems of my spouse (37 percent), not getting enough attention (34 percent), my spouse’s personal habits (29 percent), and sexual problems (24 percent).

Women that don’t attend religious services are more than 2.5 times more likely to cheat on their partner. (PsychologyToday)

For a deeper look at the signs your marriage is in trouble check out our article on the 21 things she does that should be a signal she has disconnected from the relationship:

The reason these statistics are pertinent to our readers’ question is, 

What Should I Do If My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Anymore?

From the 2003 study mentioned above, it is evident that 38 percent of divorce situations are the result of serious marriage conflicts (infidelity, abuse, addictions). That means 62 % of marriage issues fall in the ‘less lethal’ category.

This implies the problems are not so serious they can’t be fixed.

Find Out Why She Doesn’t Love You

Before you can change your marriage, you need to know exactly what is wrong.

Imagine a doctor diagnosing an illness. They don’t start with a remedy. They first find out the symptoms you are exhibiting; then they use the process of elimination to rule out certain things.

For example, if you visit your doctor and you have a runny nose, sore throat, and watery eyes, chances are he will not suggest you amputate your leg. The symptoms do not merit that action. Instead, he will (through the process of elimination and his skill at understanding the human body) conclude you either have a cold, the flu, or serious allergy issues. (I’m guessing on all this since I’m not a doctor. I trust you get the point).

Couples often jump to conclusions about their relationship and implement ‘solutions’ that ultimately damage the marriage further. It’s like trying to remove a leg when all you have is a cold.

First, find out where the true state of the relationship.

To do this, have a heart-to-heart conversation. Most problems can be solved by simply talking through the issues.

The couples who truly want to solve their issues are willing to work together. They forgo blaming each other, and focus on problem-solving, rather than blame creating.

Next, find a solution that fits the problem.

There is no sense in taking cold medicine if you have heart problems. No doctor would recommend a Tylenol as a permanent remedy for lung cancer.

This is why you need to know what the real issue is before you can find a solution. Once you do know the issue(s), you need to apply the appropriate remedy.

You may need help here (professional help). The key is to find out:

1. Where you are in your marriage (the true state of the relationship)
2. Why you are in this condition (is it something you did, didn’t do, etc)
3. Understand what your spouse needs, wants, and desires (so you can work to meet those unmet needs)

Most of the time you can accomplish this by simply asking and having a heartfelt conversation.

Should I Ask My Wife To Leave If She Doesn’t Love Me?

The simple answer is, not necessarily. As mentioned above most issues are not lethal (deadly to the relationship).

Even when there is infidelity, there is still hope. If she has been unfaithful, only you can decide if you should end the relationship. I know some men who were willing to work through those tough issues and ultimately restored their marriage.

Others were not able (willing) to put it aside. They couldn’t get past the infidelity, so the marriage ended.

I recommend staying together so you can work on the issues. Even if you feel you are the only one investing in the relationship.

In the video below, Dr. Lee Baucom talks about why separation could be the worst decision when you are trying to make your relationship work.

The important point is it is more difficult to work on the relationship if you are not together.

Sure, if there is abuse (or one of the lethal reasons for marital conflict mentioned above) get out. Do not stay in a situation where there is violence, infidelity, or addiction.

All other reasons are things that can be worked on if you stay together.

Is She Using Me Just So She Doesn’t Have To Move Out?

Your internal radar (intuition) probably already knows the answer to that.

The real question is, ‘If she is using you, is that a deal-breaker?’

My suggestion is if she is already seeing someone else, don’t be a doormat. Be strong and break it off. It will not do you any good emotionally to continue to feel used. Who knows, if you want to make it work, maybe your strong stance will let her know you have self-respect and she will realize she could lose you for good. No guarantees, but being used is sure to leave you lacking.

If there is no one else involved, it could be worth it to stay together.

Note: I’m not a fan of staying together just so you can pay the bills. This can have long term negative consequences on your psychological state. Don’t reward bad behavior.

This usually leads to the next question: It hurt when she told me she didn’t love me anymore; what do I do with that information, and how can I keep from hurting?

The reality is, you can’t keep from hurting. Rejection is crushing. It is painful, but it can be healed.

Referring back to what I mentioned above, you need to find out why she is rejecting you. It could be she is simply responding out of her own disappointment and rejection. It’s vital to know why she is doing what she is doing. Only then can you make good decisions.

Yes, it hurts regardless. That’s why I’ll offer two suggestions on what to do:

You Should Guard Your Heart

This doesn’t mean close up. But it does imply you shouldn’t allow your spouse to continually criticize you and treat you with contempt. If that is happening, distance may be in order so you both can cool down, and you can heal.

We talk about this in our article on recovering from infidelity.

Guarding your heart means you choose to live with self-respect and refuse to be bullied or abused emotionally. It is the right kind of self-love. It is not selfish; rather it is self-care.

I consider this the same as putting an oxygen mask on yourself first. If you’ve ever flown on an airplane you’ve heard the stewards inform you that in case of an emergency, you should put your oxygen mask on first. The theory is if you are incapacitated you can’t help those around you. The same goes for salvaging your marriage. You have to insure you are okay so you can work on your relationship.

While this IS about your marriage, it is also about your life. Take responsibility for your own well-being.

You Should Open Your Heart

It is possible to keep an open heart even while you are protecting yourself emotionally. The temptation is to shut down emotionally. Keeping an open heart is refusing to close up; it is the willingness to continue talking so you can both heal.

There is a delicate balance between guarding and opening your heart.

It reminds me of the people who walk a tight rope. They usually carry a long pole so they keep their balance.

I can only imagine how difficult it is to stay balanced on that thin rope. It’s similar (I’m sure) to balancing between being open to your spouse and protecting your heart. It’s not easy, but both are important if you want your relationship to work.

FAQ: What To Do If My Marriage Is Falling Apart?

In the section below I answer a few basic questions readers ask along these lines. I consider this a FAQ section on related questions and ideas.

My Wife Loves Me But Doesn’t Desire Me

There are many reasons physical desire can diminish hormonal changes, stress, age (although I believe this is less impacting than most people think), emotional wounds, to name a few. There could also be more nefarious reasons; infidelity, substance abuse, or pornography. 

The most productive thing you can do is find out why your wife doesn’t desire you. It could be as simple as asking. The important thing to note is a conversation of this depth can’t be done flippantly or casually. You are asking your spouse to reveal something potentially hurtful to you; so make sure you are mentally and emotionally prepared for the answer.

This means you cannot approach the issue defensively. Your goal is to understand. Chances are (at least in our experience) the issue is something you can both work on to resolve.

Bottom line: You won’t know until you ask. Ask in a way that allows your spouse to be honest without judgment. Only then will you know the truth. And then you can work to resolve the issue.

How To Get Your Wife To Love You Again

This is a loaded question: it all depends on what has driven her away.

For example, if you have abused her or been unfaithful, your work is cut out for you. Damage has been done to the relationship, so it will take time, commitment, and sacrifice to heal the wound you have caused.

If, however, there has been no major breach in the relationship, it could be you have merely drifted apart. If this is the case, time together will help you reconnect.

There is no easy answer because each situation is unique. There are thousands of reasons couples grow apart. Your goal is to find out why. Once you know the answer to those questions, you will be able to know what to do to work on getting back on track.

We recommend Dr. Lee Baucom’s program, ‘Save the Marriage System.,’ if you are in a marriage crisis. He covers the eight stages of marital conflict and what to do in each stage. We wrote about his program here.

How do you get your wife to fall back in love with you?

You first need to diagnose the problem. Approach it like a doctor does an illness. What are the symptoms? Is there someone else? Have you simply drifted apart?

These questions (and others) will help you understand why she is distant. Only then can you resolve the problem and reconnect.

Too often couples want a quick fix. The reality is, your relationship deteriorated over time. It will take time to build a bridge and restore your sense of connection.

The danger is to work on the wrong things or do the same thing you’ve always done and expect things to change. You know better. For things to change, YOU must change.

• Take time to work on you
• Find out what went wrong
• Be sincere
• Let her know you care
• Find out what she needs, wants, and desires (then do it)

These are beginning points, but they will help you move in the right direction.

What Are The Signs Your Wife Doesn’t Love You?

We have an entire article dedicated to answering this question. While there are many signs, we cover what we consider the top 21 signs your marriage is in trouble.

• The major issues to watch out for are:
• Your partner asks for space, time, or distance.
• They no longer seem interested in making the marriage better
• Their moral compass has shifted drastically
• They are emotionally disconnected
• They seem more interested in what others think than what you think

These are just a few. But they are strong indicators something is wrong in the direction fo the relationship.

When Should You Walk Away From Your Marriage?

Divorce is never easy. It should be a last resort, not a first thought. Our suggestion is to only consider divorce under these circumstances:

• Physical or Serious Mental Abuse
• Infidelity
• Abandonment

If there is any hope for the relationship to work, give it your best effort. Most problems can be resolved when both partners are willing to work together. There may be times to walk away from an extremely toxic marriage, but those issues are rare in our opinion.

If your first thought is to end the marriage, you probably lack commitment. Make every effort to make your relationship work.

Final Thoughts on Why My Wife Doesn’t Love Me But Won’t Leave

Sam was devastated when he said, ‘My wife doesn’t love me…but won’t leave! Those words can have a deep emotional impact. In this article we attempted to help you find out why your wife said she doesn’t love you. And why she doesn’t want to move out.

The decisions around this issue are difficult to make. Sometimes you need to fight for your marriage. Other times (depending on her motives), you need to know when to back away.

The principles outlined in this article will help you move forward with your life – and hopefully your marriage.

Summary

Here is a recap:

• Signs Your Spouse Doesn’t Love You
• What Should I Do If My Wife Doesn’t Love Me Anymore?
• Should I Ask My Wife To Leave If She Doesn’t Love Me?
• FAQ: What To Do If My Marriage Is Falling Apart?

What’s Next?

 To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.

Five Simple Steps Marriage Course
Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini series you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.