5 Reasons Why Tactics, Tricks, and Techniques Make Communication Problems Worse

60% of couples have communication problems. There are solutions, but tactics, techniques, and tricks can often make things worse. Here are five things to guard against when learning new communication skills.

Article At A Glance

1. Mechanical Limits: Tactics can appear manipulative and cold, missing the genuine connection needed in relationships.
2. Customization Required: Communication strategies must be tailored to individual relationships, as one size does not fit all.
3. Talking Isn’t Enough: Merely talking doesn’t solve problems; effective communication requires understanding and purpose.
4. Genuine Effort Needed: Techniques need genuine care and consistency to be effective, especially practices like active listening.

I often joke that I can turn any task into a process. I’m process driven. Partly because I need systems and processes to keep me organized and running on the right track.

Without them, I forget key things. With them, I have my checklist to keep me focused.

This works great for business. But is it practical (or effective) in relationships?

The answer to that is both yes and no.

Yes, because things have to move forward in a family. We need systems in place to get the kids from A to Z. Or to make sure date night comes off without a hinge.

No, because processes can become tactics and techniques that lose their way.

For example, a communication technique can come off as manipulative, uncaring, and mechanical. They serve a purpose as long as they are not stripped of their heart.

In our Marriage Communication Bootcamp we spend an entire module (the first one) laying the foundation that keeps tactics and techniques from becoming tools of manipulation.

We teach communications skills, but they are firmly anchored in the goal of building strong connection in your marriage.

Related: The Royal Treatment: Use Positive Communication To Speak Life Into Your Story

5 Ways Communication Techniques Cause More Problems Than They Solve

Here are five ways tactics and techniques cause problems in relationship communication.

1. They Can Cause You To Lose Focus On The Real Goal

I love steps, plans, systems and processes. They make my work life easier.

For example, we have a process in place for publishing articles. It includes editing, image creation, social media sharing, and a host of other things. It’s a checklist of sorts. It makes sure we don’t miss a step and have to go back and redo something essential.

This works well for our businesses. It doesn’t always translate well into the area of relationships.

Why? Because relationships are not static businesses. They are living organisms. They have a life of their own. The thing that gives them life (in a relationship) is connection, authenticity, and genuine love.

A process can’t produce that. It can help. But a relationship demands more than a tactic.

Quick example:

You can create a tactic (call it what you want) to do something nice for your spouse every Friday night. This is a good thing.

However, if all you do is go through the motions, the ‘thing’ you do will eventually grow cold and lose it’s original intent – to create connection with your spouse.

See what I mean? Tactics, tips, and techniques are important, but the fuel that makes them work is your genuine desire to be close to your spouse.

Again, they serve a purpose, but if you only go through the motions you lose sight of the real goal – creating a healthy relationship.

2. One Size Doesn’t Fit All

Techniques tend to focus on a single ‘thing’ you do. Because of this, they don’t always work in every situation (or in every relationship).

For example, the skill of active listening is important. But if we hyper-focus on this one skill and only repeat back what we hear, we lose sight of other necessary elements of communication , like, truly connecting, caring, and responding in a affirming way.

3. Just Talking Doesn’t Solve Communication Problems

I know couples who talk frequently. But their conversations tend to turn into arguments. They talk. They just don’t communicate.

Techniques can show you what to do, but they generally fail at teaching you how to do it.

Related: Speak To The King Or Queen: The Transformative Power of Positive Words in Marriage

4. Too Many Changes Can Cause Overwhelm

We tend to pile on tips and techniques. We add this, then add that. It’s not that we try too hard to make things work in our relationship, it’s that we try too much, too fast.

There are two problems with doing this:

First, it causes overwhelm.

It overwhelms the person trying hard to make things better. But it also overwhelms the partner on the receiving end. They don’t know what to think or do to respond to all the new things being tossed at them.

Second, it’s not sustainable.

The key to creating a healthy marriage is doing a few things consistently right. Not doing a lot of different things inconsistently.

5. Tactics Without Genuine Care Generally Do Not Work

The key that makes all marriage communication work is connection. At the heart of our desire is a need to feel close and bonded with our spouse.

Here’s an example that might help drive home the point: Active Listening Skills

Active listening is an exercise designed to help partners slow down and listen to what the other partner is saying. It works like this:

Partner A discusses an important issue for 3-5 minutes
Partner B listens then repeats back what Partner A said

Sounds simple. And it is.

The key is authenticity. You have to really care about what the other person is saying.

It fails if all you do is mimic back what you hear. No one wants to be parroted. We want to be heard. Understood and cared for.

Here’s what you should do next…

I want to help you develop better communication skills so you can connect on a deeper level with your spouse.

That’s why we created the ‘Marriage Communication Bootcamp‘ where you will learn:

• The 4 types of communication; and why 3 of them will destroy your marriage if you do not practice the 4th.
• Why only 7% of communication is comprised of the words you speak; and how to identify the other 93%
• The 13 Skills (and how to develop them) every couple MUST have to make their marriage thrive.
• The 6 Pillars all effective communication is built on; and how to make sure they are a part of your marriage.
• A step-by-step process of moving a conversation to the point of intimacy and connection.

This course is designed to create connection, not just ‘talking skills.’ If you desire a deeper bond and stronger connection in your marriage, click the button below to go to the next page to get access to over 15 practical exercises that will help you communicate more effectively; AND feel more connected with your spouse.

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