Why Is Married Life Unhappy? The McMarriage Effect In Your Relationship

Are you struggling to know why is married life unhappy? Discover the reasons why married life can be unhappy and avoid the McMarriage effect in your relationship.

When it comes to marriage, there are a multitude of factors that can contribute to unhappiness. But your marriage doesn’t have to be unhappy. Discover how to get back on track by diagnosing the real problem behind unhappiness.

Key Takeaways

• Acknowledge and address issues in the marriage
• Seek outside help from a therapist or counselor if necessary
• Build healthy communication skills and prioritize quality time with your spouse
• Practice forgiveness by acknowledging mistakes and letting go of grudges

The Plight Of A McMarriage

I recently sent an email to our list with the subject: One McMarriage to Go, Please

I wanted to make the point that fast food might work for a quick meal, but it never works for marriage.

Here is the content of the email:

—Start of email

We are an impatient culture. We want – and expect – instant results.

Think about it.

Fast food restaurants (if you can even call them restaurants) gives us instant meals. All we have to do is drive up to the window and order.

I’ll have a McBurger, one McFry, and a large McDrink.

Boom. The order is handed to us through the magic window.

Problem is, we get used to ‘not having to wait.’

More than that…the issue isn’t really waiting. The issue is our expectations.

We EXPECT things to happen quickly. No tilling the ground and planting a garden.

We EXPECT things to fall into place without effort (no cooking, food prep, or investment). Just pay at the window and get our meal.

We EXPECT immediate results. No effort. Just place our order.

We even do this in our relationships.

I see it all the time in marriage.

Couples expect their spouse to meet their needs, understand their problems, and provide what they want.

Just place your order at the window and pull forward.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that.

You might get a meal out of it. But life (real life) doesn’t operate on that instant gratification level.

Let’s be honest. We have real problems. Real issues.

I talk to couples on a regular basis who are struggling.

Communication break down. Intimacy issues. Anger. Resentment. Moral failure.

And it impacts our marriage. Which should be the one place we find peace, rest, and solid ground.

No wonder the devil fights so hard to destroy marriage. It’s the one place on earth God says represents what heaven should look like. (See Ephesians 5:32-33)

With all these issues impacting our relationship, a McAnswer doesn’t cut it. We need real solutions to these real problems.

Craig Hill puts it this way:

Many times we go through life daily making choices aimed at just eliminating the painful consequences of our last foolish choice. We rarely look far enough ahead to see the longer-term consequences of the choices we make.

If you are tired of McSolutions that don’t work. McAnswers that are empty.

If you are sick of having a McMarriage…

Here’s where to start:

For marriages in crisis (brink of divorce), go here.

For marriages out of sync, go here.

— End of email

I share this with you because it addresses the heart of the issue when it comes to happiness in marriage.

In the following sections, we will explore key questions and uncover the truth about how to build a healthy marriage. (Yes. I purposefully use the term healthy rather than happy. For good reasons).

Is it normal to be unhappy in marriage?

Fist, let’s distinguish between what is common and normal.

Common indicates this is ‘how things are’ in many marriages. It’s common to find couples struggle in their relationship. This doesn’t mean it should be normal.

Normal is what ‘ought to be.’ Although it is usually synomous with things that are common.

For example, it is common for couples to argue. But this shouldn’t be normal. Disagreements may be normal (because we are unique individuals with personal asperations and desires), but disagreements do not have to result in fights or arguments.

We should be mature enough to discuss things in a way that keeps intimacy, connection, and trust intact.

Many times this is not the case (common).

So, to answer the question, is it normal to be unhappy in marriage? It should not be normal, although it is very common in couples.

I’m not trying to make the issue confusing. I simply want to point out that what is common among many (if not most) couples, is not the way things should be.

Marriage is designed by God and founded on principles and purpose.

The more we veer away from these things, the more complicated marriage becomes.

Reasons Why Married Life is Unhappy

Based on research and what couples have reported, some common reasons for marital unhappiness are:

1. Communication breakdown

Poor communication or a lack of communication altogether can lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and feelings of resentment.

2. Infidelity

Cheating can erode trust, respect, and emotional connection in a marriage.

3. Conflict and fighting

Frequent arguments or unresolved conflicts can lead to emotional distance and damage trust.

4. Financial issues

Money troubles, such as debt or disagreements about spending, can cause stress and strain on a marriage.

5. Differences in goals and values

When partners have opposing views on important matters, such as raising children or career aspirations, it can cause tension, conflict, and resentment.

6. Lack of intimacy

Physical and emotional intimacy are crucial aspects of a healthy marriage. When one or both partners feel neglected on this front, it can lead to feelings of isolation and dissatisfaction.

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to reasons couples get out of sync with each other and experience unhappiness.

Major Signs That A Marriage Is Becoming Unhappy

The signs that indicate couples are unhappy in their marriage may vary depending on the individuals and their specific situations.

In one sense, the signs of unhappiness mirror the reasons for being unhappy. It becomes a snowball rolling downhill out of control. 

Lack of intimacy is a reasons for unhappiness, which creates more ‘lack’ in that area. It’s a vicous cycle.

That said, here are some common signs of an unhappy marriage may include:

1. Lack of communication or frequent arguments
2. Decreased intimacy or lack of interest in physical intimacy
3. Consistently criticizing or belittling each other
4. Feeling emotionally disconnected or distant
5. Not spending enough time together or enjoying each other’s company
6. Withholding affection and attention
7. Avoiding spending time at home or together
8. Spending more time apart and finding excuses to do so
9. Blaming each other for problems or difficulties
10. Constantly worrying or talking about issues in the marriage without finding solutions.

Is It Possible To Repair An Unhappy Marriage?

Absolutely. But it takes work.

Many couples have been in the same position as you, feeling unhappy or disconnected from their partner, but with effort and dedication, they were able to rebuild their marriage.

The first step towards repairing an unhappy marriage is acknowledging that there are issues that need to be addressed. This may sound like a ‘no brainer’ but most couples miss it at this very point.

They assume the problem is one thing, when it is actually something quite different. They work on surface issues rather than the real root cause of the problem.

For example, I met with Alex and Tiffany (not their real names) last year. They seem like a typical couple on the outside. Both had jobs that paid decent. Two kids. Busy with church activities and sporting events with the kids.

On the outside they looked like every other couple at church and the park. But on the inside, they were miserable. Both expressed unhappiness in their marriage.

Tiffany said Alex didn’t communicate. 

Alex said Tiffany wasn’t passionate enough.

They both felt like they were spot on in their assessment. But both misdiagnosed the real root issue.

Underlying all the poor communication was a prevailing sense in Alex that Tiffany didn’t respect him. She rarely acknowledged what he did for the family – and for her. She was always ‘too busy’ to notice him. So he felt dismissed and disrespected.

Tiffany, on the other hand, didn’t feel valued either. She saw his sexual advancements as just another way to use her. So, she closed down physically.

They both wanted connection. Intimacy. Love.

But they completely missed each other because they only saw the surface issue.

Lack of communication wasn’t the issue. When a man feels respected, he is more than willing to open up.

Sexual intimacy wasn’t the real problem. It was the result of Tiffany not feeling valued.

When a woman feels valued, chosen, and adored, she is more than willing to open up physically.

As we dug deep into their core issues, we uncovered they both had resentment over things that had happened in the past. 

When we identified those issues, we were able to get resolve and re-establish trust, respect, and intimacy.

It’s important to identify the root of the problem and work together towards finding solutions.

This may involve open communication, seeking outside help from a therapist or counselor, or making changes in behavior or habits.

Remember that change can be difficult and uncomfortable at times, but it’s necessary for growth and improvement in your relationship.

If you don’t want a McMarriage, you have to do some deep work. And it mostly begins in our own minds – expectations and perspectives.

Tips On How To Move From Unhappy To Happy

To transition from an unhappy marriage to a fulfilling one, it’s crucial to implement healthy communication skills and prioritize forgiveness. Here are some steps you can take:

#1: Start by building healthy communication skills.

This means actively listening to your partner without interrupting or making assumptions, expressing your own feelings clearly and respectfully, and avoiding blame or criticism. Remember that effective communication is a two-way street, so make sure to ask questions and seek understanding from your partner as well.

#2: Make marriage a priority by prioritizing quality time.

This may mean you have to set boundaries around work or other commitments that may be taking up too much of your time. Take the time to do things together that you both enjoy, whether it’s going on dates or participating in shared hobbies.

#3: Practice forgiveness by acknowledging mistakes.

This goes for both partners. Apologize sincerely when necessary, and let go of grudges. Remember that forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened but rather choosing to move forward without holding onto resentment.

By implementing these steps consistently over time with dedication and effort, you can create a more fulfilling and happy marriage for both yourself and your partner.

Before You Go

No one wants to be in a bad marriage. It’s normal to desire happiness, fulfillment, and satisfaction in all our relationships. It would be abnormal to seek anything other than this.

We’ve seen that it’s not only possible to experience this in your marriage, but we laid out practical things you can do to create a marriage that you enjoy.

Earlier, I mentioned several programs we recommend to help people in difficult situations.

I’ll list them again for convenience.

For marriages on the brink of divorce or separation, start here.

To discover the major mistakes couples make that interfer with their ability to have a good marriage, start here.

To fine tune your relationship and maximize your marriage, go here.

The key is to invest in your marriage. That’s the only way to avoid creating a McMarriage that never satisifes.

Where To Find Help

We have resources to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve:

Connecting and Communicating

1000 Questions For Couples is designed to help you connect on a deeper level to create intimacy and trust in your relationship.

Relationship Rewrite will help you regain and rediscover the magic and love you once shared.

Physical Intimacy

Respark the Romance helps couples capture passion in their marriage.

Why Men Pull Away addresses the issue of why men tend to withdraw and how to effectively get them to reengage.

Secret Survey is based on the research of Michael Fiore after surveying thousands of men. It is enlightening. Designed for women.

Our Courses and Quiz

We have courses available that will help you grow your marriage relationship and create the marriage you desire and deserve. Visit our course library here.

You can also take our Marriage Quiz to get your marriage score and find practical ways to increase communication, intimacy, and trust in your relationship.