3 Things You Need To Do When You Feel Like Giving Up On Marriage

If you’ve ever felt like throwing in the towel and giving up on your marriage, you are not alone. Do these three things when you feel like giving up on marriage.

The Institute for Family Studies did a survey and discovered that 50% of first marriages and more than 60% of second marriages end in divorce. Add to that the fact that 60% of couples say they are unhappy in their marriage.

Is there a silver lining in this?

Yes, there is.

That same study (as well as others) indicate that the majority of couples are willing to work on their marriage.

Article At A Glance

• High Divorce and Unhappiness Rates: 50% of first and over 60% of second marriages end in divorce; 60% of couples are unhappy.
• Readiness to Improve Marriages: Despite high divorce rates, most couples are willing to work on improving their marriages.
• Disposable Culture Impact: A ‘disposable’ mindset, preferring new beginnings over fixing issues, is negatively affecting marital efforts and longevity.
• Creating Stronger Marriages: To strengthen marriages, it’s recommended to adjust beliefs about marriage, practice positivity, and consistently treat each other better, fostering a more committed and supportive relationship.

Stop The Disposal Of Your Marriage

Before we delve into this topic, I want to share an interesting observation.

I was surprised to discover there were about 11 shoe repair shops in the Middle Tennessee are where we live. I was surprised because it is easier to just buy a new pair of shoes instead of taking the trouble to repair an old pair.

Shoes (for the most part) fall into the disposable commodity category.

I think I’ve only had one pair of shoes repaired in my entire life. And I’m pretty rough of shoes. I simply buy a new pair. Or go to a second hand shop and buy a quality used pair (if I’m looking for something out of my price range).

Although there are shoe repair shops in our area, they don’t hold a candle to the number of places you can buy new shoes. That number runs in the hundreds, if not thousands. You can literally buy new shoes almost anywhere.

My point is, it is easier to buy a new pair of shoes than take the time to repair an old pair.

And, while some people do choose to repair their shoes, most people do not. It’s a matter of convenience over quality.

It’s part of what Perry Belcher calls the ‘disposable culture.’

This mindset has unfortunately leaked over into other areas of our life. And it is costing us in more ways than we have calculated or considered.

Belcher says this:

The problem with this disposable mindset is that it breeds laziness. It has become a mind virus that has weakened us. No one cares about the quality of their work or what they do anymore because, it’s disposable.

Perry Belcher Email December 11, 2023

The Disposable Marriage

Of course, the area I’m concerned with is marriage. And family relationships.

Here’s how it impacts marriage.

In some cases, it’s more convenient to get rid of spouse #1 and start over with spouse #2.

I think the divorce rate indicates this is an option many people opt for.

But the disposable mindset goes deeper. And in my opinion, this is more profound and wide-spread.

How so?

This mentality keeps us from doing the work that makes marriage great.

We settle. We ‘falsely’ accept that marriage isn’t everything it could/should be, so we give in. Give up. Stop trying to make it better.

Disposing of your marriage isn’t just about getting rid of the current one and opting for another; it is about disposing of any effort to change it, make it better, or become something better. Share on X

Not everyone does this. But many do.

I know because we deal with couples like this on a regular basis.

Disposing of your marriage isn’t just about getting rid of the current one and opting for another; it is about disposing of any effort to change it, make it better, or become something better.

The disposal mindset in essence says, ‘It’s not worth the effort, so I will just check out!’

3 Things To Do To Make The Shift From A Disposable To An Indispensable Marriage

I like this definition of indispensable:

If you say that someone or something is indispensable, you mean that they are absolutely essential and other people or things cannot function without them.

I certainly do not mean this in a codependent way. Rather, in a way where the other persons value, contribution, and presence is crucial.

To move your marriage from disposable to indispensable, three things need to happen.

1. Change Your Beliefs

We often underestimate the power of our beliefs. We isolate them to religious matters, or political opinions. But our beliefs shape our perspective and how we respond to things in life.

What you ultimately believe about your spouse will determine how you treat them, how open you are to them, and how willing you are to invest in the relationship.

A Tale Of Two Couples

Tom and Jen have been married for almost 20 years. They have weathered a lot of storms, raised 3 kids, and faced financial setbacks.

Through it all, they believed in each other. They had each others back. They supported each other. And they kept their love alive.

This allowed them to make decisions that helped them navigate those rough waters.

Contrast this with Billy and Linda. They too have been together for almost 20 years. They have two kids, and have faced a number of setbacks. Including a job loss at a crucial time for Billy.

Each year seems to bring new challenges. And each year they seem to drift further apart.

At first, they tried to work on their communication and intimacy issues, but they spent more time arguing than finding solutions.

From the outside it appears they have a serious communication problem. But that is only part of the story. When asked, how they ‘feel’ FROM their spouse (feel in the sense of what they believe is their spouses ultimate motive and agenda), they reveal the problem is deeper than learning how to talk to each other.

Linda says, ‘Billy is detached. He doesn’t want to try any more. He is more interested in just having sex occasionally instead of building a relationship.’

Billy says, ‘Linda is cold and doesn’t care about my needs. She nags all the time, and I can’t do anything right.’

When asked if they felt FOR their spouse, they both secretly painted a different picture.

Linda indicated she wants Billy to be happy. But his lack of attachment makes her afraid, so she too withdraws.

Billy said, ‘I love Linda. Always have. But it’s hard for me to want to invest more in the marriage if I can’t do anything right, and she doesn’t really care about how I feel.’

It’s obvious they are out of sync because their beliefs about each other are wrong.

Linda believes Billy doesn’t care, but he does.
Billy believes Linda doesn’t care, but she does.

Reality is not guiding them. Their false beliefs are.

This is an easy case to diagnose. Many are far more complicated.

The point I want to drive home is the fact that our beliefs about the relationship, ourselves, and our spouse are guiding forces that have conclusions and consequences.

If we believe wrong, we act wrong, and get a negative result.

If, however, we believe correctly, we do the things that have better conclusions.

We end up more like Tom and Jen, rather than Billy and Linda.

Remember this, everything in your life flows out of the beliefs you hold about life. Get your beliefs in order, and your actions will follow suit, which results in better outcomes.

2. Practice Positivity

I have to be honest. I’m not a fan of this phrase. It’s way to over-used, and sounds quite flakey. I use it for lack of a better term at the moment.

My point is simple, however, we need to learn to be positive.

I intentionally use the term ‘learn’ because this doesn’t come natural for everyone. Sure, some people appear to always be positive. If you are one of those types, feel blessed. You rock.

Others, on the flip side, need to practice the art of being positive.

A Quick Disqualifier

Before we dig into the reasons positivity beats negativity, I want to clarify this idea.

I’m referring to an authentic response to life. This stands in opposition to a ‘stick your head in the sand and not face reality’ mindset.

A positive person is not one who simply ‘feels great’ all the time. On the contrary, challenges happen to all of us. A positive person doesn’t always feel on top of the world.

The difference is, they believe the best and have a positive view and perspective on life, which keeps them from falling into the pit of negativity.

In other words, emotions ebb and flow. Perspective and belief remain constant in spite of how they feel.

3 Reasons Positive Beats Negative

First, people with a positive attitude and perspective see challenges as opportunity, rather than avoiding them as insurmountable obstacles.

Second, positive people are more open to learning and growth than negative individuals. Negative people resist change and new things.

Third, a positive attitude leads to health benefits, longer life expectancy, lower rates of depression, and higher satisfaction levels (they are more satisfied and happy in life).

3. Treat Each Other Better

I’ll give you fair warning: This is controversial. But it is backed by psychological principles, relationship science, and the wisdom of scripture.

I’ll start with another disclaimer: Our audience is the middle 80% of couples. On the fringe you have narcissists, abusers, and the other-wise unstable. In the middle you have the majority of couples who want their marriage to work. They may struggle, but they love each other and are generally willing to make things better.

This is our audience. If you marriage falls in the 20% fringe range, this information may not work. In fact, it could be counter-productive. I recommend talking to a professional counselor to get a game-plan for life so you can navigate the dysfunction of your relationship.

Now that we have that covered. Let’s explore three (3) big ideas this incorporates.

Idea 1: Treat Them Better Than You Did In The Past

This isn’t to suggest you’ve treated them bad in the past. The idea is to improve every day. Be a little better every day. This is the key to success in any field – work, sports, or relationships.

We seek to improve our ability to connect with our spouse on a deeper level.

As long as you are improving, you are moving forwards and developing something better than the past.

Idea 2: Treat Them Better Than They Treat You

This is the controversial part. But hear me out.

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.
Philippians 2:3

The Apostle Paul encourages the church at Philippi to ‘esteem’ (consider) others as better than yourself.

This doesn’t mean we become a ‘whipping post’ or ‘door mat’ for others to walk on and use.

But it is an attitude we should possess that strips us of self-centeredness, ego, and ambition that only does what is best for yourself. It is contrary to the ‘me-ism’ that marks much of our culture today.

We can become so attuned to not being used or mistreated, that we forget to love.

We often get so obsessed with wanting to make sure we aren’t taken advantage of, that we erect walls and fences instead of bridges and doorways.

When we commit to be better (live higher), we start constructing avenues where we can connect with our spouse on an authentic level.

When we apply this to marriage, it means we make decisions based on our spouses needs, wants, and desires, not just our own.

It means we are willing to sacrifice, serve, and minister to the needs of our spouse.

When both parties do this, magic happens.

If you want to see what this looks like, watch this video we call ‘People With No Elbows.’

Idea 3: Treat Them Better Than You Treat Yourself

This idea is in direct opposition to the spirit of the age (our contemporary culture), which is all about self-fulfillment, personal gain, and personal gratification.

While there is nothing (generally speaking) wrong with having desires, wants, and needs, when those become your ‘god’ and you only live to fulfill those things, you are in a trap.

There is a psychological principle called the paradoxical effects of valuing happiness. In simple terms it states: The more you try to be happy, the more unhappy you become.

Sigmund Freud’s concept of the pleasure principle suggests that the constant pursuit of immediate pleasure and reinforcement can make it difficult for individuals to achieve lasting well-being.

It is one of life’s contradictions. When we put value on our spouse’s happiness and fulfillment, we discover that we are happier and more fulfilled.

Another benefit (perhaps an even greater one for your marriage) is when we put higher value on our spouse, we are sending a clear signal that we are in it for them…for us…

We let them know we are choosing to be unselfish and giving. We are deciding siding for the marriage, and not merely our own selfish ambition. Remember the Apostle Paul’s words?

Jesus even said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive!’ (Acts 20:35)

These principles and truths are eternal. They work.

What’s Next?

Contemporary culture tends to focus on self-fulfillment, ego attitudes, and personal gratification. Marriage is an opportunity to demonstrate our willingness to break this cycle and serve our spouse in a way that enhances their life.

Along with this comes the idea that relationships are disposable. This has a negative effect on marriage. To overcome this disposable mindset, we must learn to serve one another.

We looked at 3 ways we can change this mindset and create bridges of opportunity to connect with our spouse.

Where To Find Help