How to Determine if Your Marriage Counseling is Working and When to End It

If any of these resonate with you, it may be time to consider moving on from the relationship and seeking other forms of support.

Remember, these are simply signs. They do not necessarily indicate the relationship is doomed. They do, however, indicate that serious attention and work needs to be applied.

Disclaimer: Our goal is to help you create a healthy marriage. We do not offer divorce or separation as an easy or quick fix. We have strong convictions that most marriage problems can be solved with the proper tools and commitment.

2. Becoming Stuck in a Negative Cycle

A relationship stuck in a negative cycle is like being trapped in a tornado – it’s destructive and feels like there’s no escape. This vicious cycle is when negative behaviors and thoughts become self-perpetuating, causing deeper and deeper levels of damage to your relationship.

Here are the ways a negative cycle can be unhealthy for your relationship:

• It leads to an inability to communicate effectively and resolves conflict
• It creates a constant feeling of tension and negativity between partners
• It causes feelings of resentment and alienation towards each other
• It creates a lack of intimacy and emotional connection
• It leads to a sense of hopelessness and feeling stuck in the pattern without a way out

To break free from this destructive cycle, you need to address the root causes of the negative behavior and find new and healthier ways to interact with each other.

If marriage counseling doesn’t address and resolve these inner issues, it may be time to walk away from counseling. Or at least, seek other forms of help and counseling.

3. Are You Ready for Divorce?

Let’s be honest, if a couple has already decided to end the relationship and they are simply going through the motions of marriage therapy, it will be unproductive and unfruitful.

Marriage counseling is not a magic wand; it takes work to make a marriage work. Especially when there are serious underlying problems that must be addressed.

Trying to seek marriage counseling when a couple has already decided to divorce is like trying to put out a fire with a water gun. The fire has already spread too much, and the water gun is no longer effective.

Just like the water gun, counseling can only be useful when used at the right time and in the right context.

I’ll say it again, it’s crucial to address the underlying issues and work towards a resolution before the situation gets out of hand. Otherwise, the only option left is to watch the flames burn.

4. Inability to Identify Core Issues

It’s not enough to sit in a room and talk about your problems, hoping that things will magically get better. Marriage counseling shouldn’t just be about talking, it should be about getting to the root of the problem.

Identifying the core issues in a marriage is vital because it allows the therapist to help the couple understand what’s really going on. It’s not just about the surface level arguments, but what’s underneath them.

Take John and Sarah for example. They’ve been married for 10 years and have been struggling with communication issues. They argue all the time and just can’t seem to see eye to eye.

After working with their therapist, they uncover that the core issue is trust. John had an affair early on in their marriage and Sarah has never fully been able to trust him again. This lack of trust has led to their communication breakdown and constant arguing.

By identifying their core issue, the therapist is able to help John and Sarah work on rebuilding trust and communication. Without addressing the core issue, they would continue to argue and not truly address the root of their problems.

So, marriage counseling only works when the therapist is able to help couples identify their core issues and work towards healing those wounds. It’s not just about talking, it’s about understanding and addressing the deeper issues at hand.

5. Domestic Violence or Abuse Within the Relationship

This is one of the issues we do recommend separation (and most often divorce). Statistics show offenders are unlikely to change. For this reason, at a minium, you should separate.

Things You Should Know About Domestic Violence

According to author Lundy Bancroft, some changes in an abusive partner that could indicate they’re making progress in their recovery include admitting fully to what they have done, stopping excuses and blaming, making amends, accepting responsibility, and recognizing that abuse is a choice.

However, there’s a very low percentage of abusers who truly do change their ways. Statistics around arrests also tend to back this up.

While just 10 to 18 percent of those arrested for domestic violence are arrested again within six months, 15 to 30 percent face a second arrest within 28 months, and up to 60 percent are rearrested within 10 years.

 With this in mind, the best advice is to leave if violence is part of the relationship.

6. Unsatisfactory Results from Therapy Sessions

When it comes to marriage counseling, there are times when the therapy sessions simply don’t produce satisfactory results. It’s as if you’re trying to plant a garden, but the soil is infertile, and no matter how much you water it or fertilize it, nothing seems to grow.

Sometimes, couples go into therapy hoping for a miracle, but they don’t realize that it takes effort and dedication from both partners to make it work. Just like how a garden needs constant attention and care to grow and flourish.

But there are other times when the issues being faced are just too deep-rooted, and like a tree with unhealthy roots, it cannot grow healthy branches. The problems are too complex, and the history too long to untangle. It’s like trying to fix a broken vase with glue; even if it’s repaired, it’s never quite the same again.

It’s important to recognize that therapy sessions are not a magic potion. It can only do so much, and in some cases, it may not be enough to save a relationship. Just like how a doctor can only treat the symptoms of a disease, but not cure it entirely if the illness is too severe.

Sometimes, it’s better to accept that the therapy isn’t working and acknowledge that it’s time to move on. Not every garden will grow, not every tree will bear fruit, and not every broken pot can be fixed.

It’s about accepting that some things are beyond our control, and we need to seek other avenues for healing and growth.

7. Individual Therapy Is More Beneficial

There are times when individual therapy and counseling is the key to personal growth and healing, rather than marriage counseling.

Here are a few reasons why:

1. Personal issues

If one partner is dealing with personal issues that are affecting the marriage, individual therapy can help them work through their problems and develop coping mechanisms. This can lead to a healthier partnership overall.

2. Different goals

If each partner has different goals or dreams that don’t align, it may be necessary to work on these individually before bringing them to the table in marriage counseling. It’s like trying to build a house without a solid foundation – individual growth is necessary for a strong relationship.

3. Communication issues

Sometimes individual counseling is needed to help a person work through communication issues that are rooted in their own past experiences or traumas.

Once they can effectively communicate, they can then apply these new skills to their relationship.

Think of it like a team sport – each player needs to work on their individual skills before they can effectively contribute to the success of the team. 

Individual therapy sets the foundation for a stronger, healthier relationship.

8. Lack of Improvement in Communication Skills and Understanding

Effective communication is the foundation of a successful marriage. When that communication breaks down, it can be difficult to repair the damage and move forward.

Here are some reasons why lack of improvement in communication skills and understanding can make marriage counseling ineffective:

Misunderstandings

Misunderstandings can lead to confusion, frustration, and conflict.

Emotional Distance

When two people cannot communicate effectively, it can lead to emotional distance and a lack of intimacy.

Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment and resentment.

Blame

When communication breaks down, blame and criticism tend to take over.

Lack of Empathy

Without effective communication, it can be difficult to truly understand your partner’s perspective and feelings.

To put it simply, communication is like a bridge between two people. If that bridge is broken or weak, it becomes harder and harder to reach the other side.

Just like a physical bridge needs maintenance and repair, communication skills and understanding require attention and effort to keep them strong.

Without that maintenance and repair, the bridge may become unusable, just like the communication in a marriage.

Marriage counseling should help couples cross that bridge, not create more barriers. When counseling doesn’t serve this purpose, it’s time to seek other alternatives (see below).

9. Feeling Trapped or Resentment Toward Your Partner

Counseling can be impeded when one or both parties feel trapped or resentful towards their partner. 

This often appears in various forms:

Lack of Open Communication

When one or both parties feel trapped or resentful, they tend to shut down and avoid open communication. This can make it difficult for a counselor to gather information and offer advice.

Blocked Progress

When negative emotions are present, it can hinder progress and prevent successful resolution of issues. It’s like driving a car with the emergency brake on – you’ll still move forward, but progress will be slow and difficult.

Unwillingness to Compromise

Trapped or resentful feelings can lead to a stubbornness that prevents willingness to compromise or see another perspective. This can hinder the problem-solving process.

Refusal to Take Responsibility

When negative emotions are present, it’s common to blame the other person. It’s like trying to clean a dirty room when you refuse to acknowledge your own mess. Progress cannot be made until responsibility is taken.

In essence, negative emotions act as roadblocks to counseling progress. It’s like trying to swim against a strong current – progress will be slow or impossible until the emotions are addressed and worked through.

How to Know if It’s Time to End Marriage Or Press Through And Grow?

I want to drive homen the point again: These nine signs are not indicators the marriage is over. Almost all problems can be resolved (domestic violence is the one exception that seems obvious).

The more of thse signs your marriage displays, the more work it requires to heal the relationship.

Sometimes couples come to a fork in the road and they need to decide, ‘Do we end the marriage? Or do we press on and try to resolve our differences?’

Our answer is almost always, ‘Continue to work on the marriage.’

Relationships are not easy. In fact, they can be one of the most difficult things we navigate throughout our lives. But that’s exactly why they are worth fighting for.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, but the strongest couples are the ones that are willing to work through the tough times.

Divorce may seem like an easy solution, but it’s important to remember that it carries its own set of challenges and complications.

When you’re with someone for a long time, you become intertwined not just emotionally, but financially and socially as well. Divorce can mean dividing assets and uprooting your entire life.

Knowing when to stop marriage counseling is different from when to stop your marriage.

Instead of giving up, it’s worth investing time and effort into rebuilding your relationship.

It may not always be easy, but it will be worth it. Think back to the early days of your relationship, when everything seemed exciting and new. It’s possible to rekindle that flame and fall in love all over again.

More often than not, the decision to end a marriage is one that comes with profound regret and remorse. Even when two people are no longer happy together, they may still find themselves mourning the loss of something that was once beautiful and pure.

Marriage is an investment, and the longer you invest in it, the higher the payoff. Don’t let the temporary struggles cloud the long-term benefits of a loving and committed partnership.

It’s easy to throw in the towel and give up, but the rewards of sticking it out are immeasurable. The bond between two people who have overcome obstacles together is unbreakable and enduring. It’s a testament to their dedication and perseverance.

Alternatives To Marriag Counseling That Actually Work

If marriage counseling hasn’t worked for you (in fact, we recommend beginning with the following programs before marriage counseling), there are alternatives that produce results for couples.

These programs are self-paced programs that couples (and individuals) can do to improve a range of marital issues; from communication, intimacy, anger, and infidelity or trust issues.

While it’s impossible to know your specific needs, here is our list of recommended programs based on common marriage problems.

If you are in crisis mode and your marriage is threatened by divorce, our #1 recommendation is ‘Save The Marriage System by Dr. Lee Baucom. He discusses the eight stages of crisis and what to do at each stage. You can read our full review or watch an introductory video.

If your relationship is not on the brink of divorce, but you are facing challenging issues, Brad Browning offers a course called, ‘Mend The Marriage.’ He discusses three big marriage mistakes and how to handle them, plus offers practical advice on removing the obstacles that keep you from having the relationship you desire. Start by watching this introductory video.

Others to consider (you can learn more by clicking the title) are:

Relationship Rewrite

How to rewrite your story and reconnect on a deeper level.

Why Men Pull Away

Discover why men act the way they do, and what you can do to create a strong connection.

Magic Relationship Words

Susie and Otto Collins story about how they learned to communicate and create the marriage they always wanted.

These are just a few of the programs we recommend. 

Where To Find Help

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Why Forgiveness Is Important In Marriage How To Set Boundaries In A Blended Family What A Husband Needs From His Wife: 4 Needs That Drive (Almost) Every Man Can You Force Your Spouse To Go To Marriage Counseling? Why This Seldom Works and What To Do Instead