Broken trust spells disaster for a marriage. When a spouse betrays your trust because of neglect, it not only damages your relationship and intimacy, it has devasting effects on you psychologically.

16 Things To Do When Trust Is Broken Because Of Neglect

I recently received a call from a friend telling me he was going through a divorce. He lives in another state and wanted me to know what he was facing. He is ex-military. A psychologist (or used to be). And a Christian (who doesn’t believe divorce is the answer). His faith matters to him.

He is manly and smart. Why tell you this? It’s important for what happened.

They started having problems a few years back. She became detached emotionally, which led to physical disconnect. At one point, she encouraged him to watch porn and masturbate if he needed sex.

Generally speaking, they have a higher drive than women. This does not mean they ONLY want sex. They crave intimacy as well. Sure, it often looks different in men. But they desire connection.

She offered no connection. It eventually destroyed their marriage. Her neglect in nurturing real intimacy (not just sex), brought their marriage to a slow, grinding halt.

I’m sure there were multiple factors. Marriage problems – the kind that lead to divorce – are rarely isolated to one thing. It’s usually a combination of issues that crash the relationship. Even in cases of infidelity. There are factors leading to the event.

The thing that interested me was he was the one trying to make it work. Typically it is the other way around. Women usually seek out help.

In their situation, he was the one trying to connect. She was disconnected and had no desire to attach and grow the marriage. She was full-on neglecting their relationship. She even admitted it, but wasn’t willing to change.

3 Signs You Have Been Neglected In Your Marriage

There are usually warning signs you are in a neglected relationship. They usually come as internal signals something isn’t right. We often overlook them because they disguise as emotional insecurities. They can be tricky. Not every emotion is a sign. Some are. You have to discern them carefully.

Here are three you should pay attention to. It doesn’t mean they ALWAYS indicate problems, but they certainly shouldn’t be ignored.

1) You feel lonely.

You try to communicate your needs but are ignored or belittled by your husband. You perceive your husband as cold, distant, uncaring, or uncouth.

2) Sex is boring.

Inadequate attention is paid to you during lovemaking and you are left frustrated because you no longer feel attractive.

Physical intimacy is necessary for connecting on a deep level. When this is neglected it has adverse effects on your marriage.

When you sense your partner is ‘not into it’ anymore, maybe it’s time to have a conversation about your connection (or lack of it). It doesn’t always mean your spouse doesn’t feel love for you. There are many factors that determine physical and emotional appetite. It is certainly not something you want to ignore. It does

3) He treats you like an object.

When your spouse treats you like a doormat or an object for his pleasure and not another human being who matters in the relationship, it causes psychological wounds in the form of rejection. Simply put: It makes you feel used. Not loved.

The Consequences of feeling neglected

When neglected, you feel inadequate, unworthy, unattractive, and undesirable. The result is low self-esteem and you don’t respect yourself or others.

A neglected wife loses her sense of identity as an equal partner with the same needs and desires as her husband to be loved and respected by him. She develops feelings of shame because she believes that she doesn’t deserve loving attention from her partner.

16 Tips on How to Deal with Broken Trust Caused by Neglect

If trust has been broken in your marriage because of neglect, these 16 tips will help you gain perspective and emotional stability, and allow you to move toward a solution to your issues.

1) Accept that you were neglected.

It’s hard to admit that you have been overlooked and ignored by your spouse but if your marriage is going to heal, you will have to be honest about how they treat you. If your spouse shows disregard for your feelings or seems unconcerned about the effects of his behavior on you, then a pattern of neglect has developed in the relationship.

You can’t change them, but you can change how you react and respond to him.

2) Let go of your resentment.

When you feel resentful, this means that you are holding on to your hurt and harboring negative feelings towards your husband. You can’t move forward if you are stuck in the past. Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Resentment keeps you trapped in negativity and it prevents you from moving forward from the pain of neglect.

3) Stop thinking your husband is not good enough for you.

You are overlooking a wonderful man. You may think he doesn’t deserve your love and caring but he does. You have to understand that nobody is perfect. All men have flaws and they need your compassion, understanding, and acceptance if you want to heal the broken trust in your marriage.

4) Realize that you have been neglecting yourself.

Part of being neglected is taking your husband’s behavior personally when it’s not about you. You are forgetting about yourself – you don’t care how you look, feel or act towards him.

5) Resist the urge to fix your husband.

Your husband doesn’t want to be fixed. He wants to be loved and treated with kindness and respect, just like you deserve from him. Don’t try to change him as a person because he is not broken even though he may be acting that way when his behavior is neglectful.

6) Talk to him.

Tell your husband how his behavior makes you feel: “I feel hurt, unloved, and ignored because you always spend time with the guys instead of making love to me.”

Communication will not work if you are angry, resentful, or critical. Don’t attack, blame or accuse your husband. Instead of saying: “You never make time for me,” say “I feel neglected when I don’t see you for days. Can we go out on a date? I miss you. “

7) Don’t be needy.

If your husband is not sensitive to your needs, then it’s time for you to be courageous and take care of yourself. You will have to learn how to get your own needs met outside your marriage if he is not meeting them by himself. It won’t kill you to spend an evening without him or by yourself.

8) Practice self-love.

When you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s hard to love and respect others. Learn to appreciate your individuality. Learn that you are a worthwhile human being. Remember that you have a right to be appreciated, loved, and respected by the person you love.

9) Practice detachment from your husband’s behavior.

If he doesn’t respect your feelings or needs, it’s not going to change overnight because of your intervention or his own willpower. It may take years of hard work on his part to change his behavior towards you but it can be done if he has the desire or motivation to do so.

Remember, you are not detaching from him as a person. It’s the behavior that is the issue. It’s important to keep this in mind. If you disconnect from your marriage, there is no way it will improve. You have to be engaged to make changes in your relationship.

10) Don’t take it personally.

Your husband is behaving in a certain way because he has an issue to work through. It has nothing to do with you or how you behave.

People often take things personal they shouldn’t. It’s normal. But it does have to be addressed and managed. If you continually ‘own’ things in your marriage that are not your fault or responsibility it will cause further problems in the future.

First, your partner will learn they don’t have to take responsibility.

The more you own it, the less they have to.

Second, you will become resentful in time.

When we constantly feel like we have to shoulder all the responsibility in the relationship, we become angry, resentful, and distrusting.

People often take things personal they shouldn't. It's normal. But it does have to be addressed and managed. If you continually 'own' things in your marriage that are not your fault or responsibility it will cause further problems in… Share on X

My friend who called to tell me of his impending divorce was hurt and angry. He had invested his heart and soul into the marriage – always the one suggesting counseling, reading books, etc – only to realize she was detached.

11) Get busy doing something that gives you a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.

If your husband has been ignoring your needs, then your self-esteem is probably low. This means that you need to treat yourself with kindness and respect by doing things that you love to do – whether it’s taking yoga lessons, going for a long walk, or painting watercolors in your studio at home.

12) Don’t take on the role of counselor or therapist for your husband.

You are not a counselor or therapist. You will have to set limits for his behavior – like you would with your children. If he doesn’t respect your advice, then don’t give it to him.

It’s more important to be kind and loving than to be right because the goal is to improve the health of the marriage and keep your spouse connected to you. When he treats you well, then you can give advice out of love rather than punishment.

It's more important to be kind and loving than to be right because the goal is to improve the health of the marriage and keep your spouse connected to you. Share on X

13) Be kind to your husband.

If he didn’t appreciate kindness, he wouldn’t have married you. He married someone that he thought was kind. Let him know that you are still a kind and loving person.

15) Evaluate your expectations.

If you’re not getting the attention or affection from your husband that you need, then ask yourself if it’s because of unrealistic expectations. It’s hard not to feel betrayal from your partner.

Be supportive but don’t try to control your husband’s behavior by being overly critical or setting impossible standards.

Give him some space until he’s ready to communicate with you again.

16) When you start struggling with rejection, ask for help.

There is nothing wrong with asking for help. Friends can provide a listening ear and emotional support so that you don’t feel so alone in your struggle and no longer feel rejected by your husband.

What causes this rejection in marriage?

There are many issues that can cause a marriage to lose trust and slip into a cycle of neglect and rejection.

It could be depression or preoccupation with something else in life (work, business, church work, hobbies), but most often it is because he no longer finds you attractive.

It may not be because he doesn’t care about you or love you. It can be stress, or something else, but in the majority of cases, it is based on a feeling of rejection and anger at himself for his lack of attraction to you. Many men have been hurt in the past. They’ve had a bad relationship with their mother, or if they were raised by a single mom and exposed to negative female role models, this can cause problems for them with women later in life.

Some have had affairs in the past and are now harboring feelings of guilt and betrayal.

Some men were not loved enough by their parents when they were growing up, or not respected enough. No matter what the cause is, there is a way out of the rejection cycle.

How To Turn Around Your Spouses Rejection

My friend’s situation deteriorated to the point of no return. At least, that’s what it looks like at this point. They are currently in the middle of their divorce. As long as she is not willing to invest in the marriage, I see little hope things will change.

The list below, however, is for those who are not facing divorce. These eight tips will help you move in the right direction and avoid divorce.

1) Make a list of your personality strengths.

Whatever you like or love about yourself, make a list of it. Whatever gives you pleasure and fulfillment – figure out a way to turn this into your full-time job. Don’t just make a list of 10 things that you don’t like about yourself – making a positive list will yield better results for you in the long run.

2) Talkback to the voices in your head.

We all have thoughts (our inner voice) that are pointing out all your flaws, and stop punishing yourself because of the ways others have hurt you. It is vital to dismantle those negative thoughts.

One of the best ways to do this is to talk back to that inner voice. Disagree with those negative thoughts.

3) Stop being so critical of yourself.

This goes along with the previous concept. We are often far too critical of ourselves. This keeps us from enjoying life and spoils our relationships. It is impossible to love others if we live in self-criticism. It spills over into our relationships.

4) Take care of your body and eat right.

Eat food that is delicious and appealing to you.

5) Accept that you aren’t perfect and that you never will be.

Everyone’s human, everyone fails and makes mistakes sometimes.

6) Don’t compare yourself to others.

You are you and no one can be exactly like you because no one has had the exact same life that you’ve had.

7) Remember that we all deserve love.

You were made to love and be loved. It’s the nature of God. And you were created in His image. So love is your inheritance.

Even those who have hurt us or continue to hurt us in some ways do not deserve our resentment or hatred for being human.

8) Accept your spouse for who they are.

Accept that you can’t change the past, you can only change the future by changing who you are and how you respond to those around you.

Final Thoughts on What to do When a Spouse Betrays Your Trust

If your spouse has stopped listening to you, caring for you, and acting loving towards you, trust and respect in the relationship has been broken.

 Trust is about believing in someone else’s honor and integrity. When this is violated, a deep connection is broken and needs to be restored.

The only way to rebuild trust in your marriage is with unconditional love, patience, and understanding, but it will take a lot of time and effort from both parties. It is possible to be happy again when trust has been broken by neglect in marriage.

Apply these 16 tips and begin the process of healing; only then can you reclaim the relationship you desire.

Summary

16 Tips on How to Deal with Broken Trust Caused by Neglect

• 1) Accept that you were neglected.
• 2) Let go of your resentment.
• 3) Stop thinking your husband is not good enough for you.
• 4) Realize that you have been neglecting yourself.
• 5) Resist the urge to fix your husband.
• 6) Talk to him.
• 7) Don’t be needy.
• 8) Practice self-love.
• 9) Practice detachment from your husband’s behavior.
• 10) Don’t take it personally.
• 11) Get busy doing something that gives you a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.
• 12) Don’t take on the role of counselor or therapist for your husband.
• 13) Be kind to your husband.
• 15) Evaluate your expectations.
• 16) When you start struggling with rejection, ask for help.

What’s Next

Since trust is such a vital building block of your marriage, we recommend these resources to help you dig deeper and build your marriage on the right foundation.

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.

Five Simple Steps Marriage Course
Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini series you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.

Magic Relationship Words by Susie and Otto Collins