What Does God Want Me To Do When My Husband Wants A Divorce?

Alice asks: What does God want me to do when my husband wants a divorce? There are two things she needs to focus on. Attitudes and Actions.

What she needs to do is determined by the uniqueness of her situation and the ‘crisis stage’ of her marriage. Actions are usually what people focus on; they want to know what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. It’s human nature. Fix the problem by doing something about it.

Unfortunately, relationship problems don’t always fall neatly in that category.

While actions are important (there are things you need to do to get your marriage back on track), your attitude is more essential.

My Background

In case you are not aware, my background is in counseling and theology. I served as a pastor in Nashville, Tennessee area for nearly 30 years.

I mention this because my belief in God shapes my view of the world. Especially marriage.

I believe marriage is designed by God. It is God’s plan. Therefore, it is valuable and honorable. It was never designed to be a burden or punishment. It is a good thing.

I also believe (as humans) we were created in the image of God. We are not merely a bundle of neurological cells driven by physical appetites and biological urges. We are not just ‘human animals’ as one writer put it. We are far greater. We are spiritual beings.

Therefore, marriage is not just a physical union. It is a spiritual one.

So, Alice’s question is significant. Since we are created in God’s image, and marriage is God’s plan, desiring to know what God wants is an honest question.

Here are 7 Things To Do When Your Spouse Wants A Divorce

#1 Get Centered and Draw Close To God

Find your spiritual center. Most of the mistakes we make in life (especially when turmoil and emotional upheaval happens to us) are the results of acting from desperation, anger and frustration.

When we respond to situations from that perspective, we tend to make rash decisions that take us further from our goals. We say things we shouldn’t say. Do things that hurt others, and ourselves. We sabotage the very thing we are seeking to establish.

On the contrary, when we find our spiritual center of gravity, we make better decisions. It doesn’t change the fact that we are hurt, but it gives us the advantage of not further damaging the relationship.

Most of the mistakes we make in life (especially when turmoil and emotional upheaval happens to us) are the results of acting from desperation, anger and frustration. Share on X

Losing My Equilibrium at Christmas

One Christmas, we were headed out of town for the holidays. As I was loading our vehicle with luggage, things started spinning and I lost my balance. I couldn’t stand up, I felt sick, and it felt like the entire world was spinning.

I found out later I had an inner ear infection which through my equilibrium off. It took several days for my balance to return.

During that time, it felt like up was down. Right was left. And everything was spinning.

I’m sure Alice felt that way spiritually when her husband asked for a divorce. Her world was flipped upside down.

That’s why its vital to regain your spiritual equilibrium. To find your spiritual center of gravity.

You cannot (and will not) make good decisions if you fail to reconnect with your true spiritual foundation.

Questions To Ask Yourself

You can start by asking yourself a few simple questions:

1. What makes you feel close to God?
2. Where do you go to draw close to God?
3. What would make you feel clean on the inside? Free of clutter and ugliness?
4. Do you have a creative outlet that helps you reconnect spiritually?
5. Is there a certain music that relaxes you and makes you feel calm?
6. Is there a Bible verse that encourages you or inspires you?

I would add to this the importance of meditating on scripture. It’s easy to let your imagination run wild during times of conflict. Keep your thoughts fixed on positive, good and healthy things. This will ensure you don’t control of your emotions and are ready to find solutions that heal instead of hurt.

t’s easy to let your imagination run wild during times of conflict. Keep your thoughts fixed on positive, good and healthy things. This will ensure you don’t control of your emotions and are ready to find solutions that heal instead… Share on X

#2 Fight FOR Your Marriage, Not IN Your Marriage

Arguing and fighting rarely produce the results you want. It usually leaves both parties feeling misunderstood and closed out.

The goal is to communicate. Not be right.

The most common problem in communication stems from the desire to be right at the expense of hearing what your partner is saying. I’ll talk more about listening later. The key is to seek to understand, not just to be understood.

The most common problem in communication stems from the desire to be right at the expense of hearing what your partner is saying. Share on X

To reconcile your relationship, you must start with understanding your partner.

Not all arguing is wrong (or bad). Arguing that blames, criticizes and condemns is deadly. It will take you further from your spouse, not closer.

There is a fine line (delicate balance) between fighting for your marriage and fighting in it. You must be conscious of that line. And avoid crossing it.

If you want to know more about finding that balance read our series on Anger in the Family.

#3 Understand Your Stage

According to Dr. Lee Baucom, there are eight stages to a marriage crisis. Knowing what stage your marriage is in determines how you respond to conflict.

We often say, ‘What works at one stage might not work at another.’ In fact, how you respond to your spouse at each stage will either move you toward reconciliation, or away from it. The key is knowing what stage your marriage is in.

A Hypothetical Example

This is purely hypothetical. Dr. Lee Baucom goes into detail on how to handle conflict at the different stages.

Let’s suppose Alice is at Stage 5 in her marriage crisis. She needs to respond different than Stage 1.

At Stage 1 she could start a conversation by saying something like, ‘Are you ok? What’s bothering you.” This could jump start a discussion of the current marriage issues.

Stage 5 conversations are different. At this point, the relationship has deteriorated severely and the ‘D’ word has been dropped (divorce). The statement above will be ignored or seen as manipulative.

Your focus is not about getting them to open up, but getting them to pinpoint the issues. Long conversations are out. Your job is to gather information so you can proceed with wisdom and clarity.

I hope you understand the point. Each stage must be handled different than the previous one. This is where most people trying to turn their marriage around miss it.

#4 Listen

Divorce happens for a reason. Every marriage problem is there because of something.

Even if you feel your spouse is contrary by nature, they are that way for a reason. They get something out of it. We all do what we do for a reason. It may be subconscious, but it is drives us to behave the way we do.

Discovering that motivation – reason – is one of the keys to rebuilding your relationship. The only way you can find that reason is by listening.

In the video below I discuss five tips on how to listen to your spouse when you are in crisis mode. This is vital information if you need to have a serious discussion about your relationship.

Never forget your goal: You must discover why they feel they way they do. You cannot repair or fix a problem you are not aware of. This knowledge is the key to turning things around.

If you want further help with learning how to listen, read our top 14 tips on how to listen to your spouse.

#5 Commit to Change

There are two things I’m not suggesting:

First, I’m not suggesting you are the only one who needs to change. That is rarely the case. I’m sure your spouse has areas that need to adjust. But the scope of this article is to answer the question, what does God want ‘me’ to do when my husband wants a divorce. The focus is on your response; not his.

Second, I’m not advocating making a big announcement. I’ve seen it happen too often. One partner wants a divorce, the other makes grandiose promises to change. The change doesn’t happen (when and how the partner thinks it should) and trust is broken.

It is not about convincing your partner at this point. It’s about truly changing. Becoming the person you want to be (I assume we all want to be better people).

When transformation happens on the inside, your spouse will notice without you having to tell them. This carries more weight than a promise to do better.

The Power of Taking Responsibility

One of the big tenets of faith in Christianity is personal responsibility. If you read the parables of Jesus, you can’t help but notice how we are responsible for our lives.

This doesn’t mean we cause everything that happens to us. On the contrary. Sometimes things happen because we live in a fallen world. Bad stuff just happens.

But…

We are responsible for how we react. We are response – able. We have the ability to respond in a way that is redeeming, or one that is damaging.

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean we own all the mess of our marriage. It does, however, mean we have to honestly evaluate how the relationship got where it is. What caused it fall apart? How did it get to this place?

Those are questions you need to answer. You can’t change your spouse’s role. But you are responsible for yours. Good or bad.

Where you are responsible, make a change. And here is the beautiful part (often overlooked). If we are responsible, we have the power to change it.

Think about it. The minute you give responsibility away, you lose the ability to change the situation. You can only change what you are responsible for. Personal responsibility is not ‘taking the blame for things’ it is owning the ability to change it.

Personal responsibility is not 'taking the blame for things' it is owning the ability to change it. Share on X

#6 Act In Love

Regardless of how your spouse behaves, always act in love.

Anger creates more anger. Insults produce stronger insults.

The best way to defeat hostility is to act in the opposite spirit. I’m not suggesting you become a doormat for your spouse to walk on. Never lose your dignity by allowing cruelty against yourself.

But returning insult for insult moves you away from reconciliation and causes you to lose your spiritual center. Anger doesn’t make you feel better. Only worse.

Make a decision to act in love.

You’ve heard the adage: If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.

Sometimes that is the best response.

#7 Get a Plan

A plan helps you know in advance what you will do. A plan helps you avoid potential problems.

1. A plan helps you stay away from emotional drama.

Emotions run high and tensions mounts when you have marital conflict. It’s easy to let emotions run and say things you later regret. This often happens when we let emotions govern our decisions.

When you have a plan you can avoid the high risk emotional responses. A plan helps you know ahead of time what you will do if…

• If this situation happens, I will do this.
• If that occurs, I will respond this way.

2. A plan gives you a sense of direction.

Most couples lose sight of what they want for their marriage. Problems keep them blinded to what they really want. A plan helps you regain focus on what you want for your relationship.

3. A plan provides a guideline for dealing with problems.

Knowing what to do gives you confidence. It serves as a game plan for reconciling. It not only provides direction, but a plan can give you a step-by-step guide to get there.

4. The Right Plan Gives God a Chance to Work

Each of these 7 keys is about making room for God to work in the situation.

Navigating a marriage crisis is complex. Each stage is different. What you do at each stage is different.

It is possible to make your marriage work again, even if it seems broken.

Responding in the right way is important. It’s important because it can bring about reconciliation, and it will make you feel good about yourself.

Wrapping It Up

Alice asked an important question: What does God want me to do when my husband wants a divorce?

Ultimately God desires reconciliation. That doesn’t always happen. Regardless, there are ways we can respond that maintain dignity, honor and leave the door open for God to work in the situation.

That’s the ultimate goal for Alice and every one who is facing a marriage crisis.

Summary

We’ve discussed seven principles to help you respond in a spiritual, healthy way.

• #1 Get Centered and Draw Close To God
  • Questions To Ask Yourself
• #2 Fight FOR Your Marriage, Not IN Your Marriage
• #3 Understand Your Stage
  • A Hypothetical Example
• #4 Listen
• #5 Commit to Change
  • The Power of Taking Responsibility
• #6 Act In Love
• #7 Get a Plan
  • 1. A plan helps you stay away from emotional drama.
  • 2. A plan gives you a sense of direction.
  • 3. A plan provides a guideline for dealing with problems.
  • 4. The Right Plan Gives God a Chance to Work

What’s Next?

To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:

The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.

Magic Relationship Words by Susie and Otto Collins

The Devotion System This free video will show you why men pull away and what you can do to enhance your relationship.