Every been stuck?  It’s like writers block in marriage.  In this article I’ll share some practical tips to get unstuck in your relationship.

Three things we will cover to help you move forward.

1. Ask Questions. Then Listen.
2. Refuse To Get Negative
3. Get Professional Help When Needed

I have a quick story for you…

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Before we get started, I write about marriage restoration and relationship issues, If you want to get my latest articles, click the link and join the list to get the most up-to-date information and research on building great relationships. Join here.

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Sometimes I go to a local coffee shop to write. Today is one of those days.

The problem is I don’t know what to say.

I’ve been sitting at a corner table staring at my computer screen for several minutes. More minutes than I care to admit.

Some call it writer’s block.

It’s not the first time I’ve encountered this monster. I’ve stared at blank screens plenty of times. It’s like looking into the abyss. I’ve heard some writer talk about it like it was a real monster. Feels like it at times.

But there is something I’ve learned about this monster called the blank screen. It only shows up at certain times.

It knows my habits. It’s studied me. And knows me well. So it sneaks into my computer to stare back at me when I’m unprepared.

That’s right.

It has learned my patterns of behavior so well it knows when to come around. It comes when I’m unprepared. When I don’t know what to say.

It’s at that point that it arrives. It sits across from me. And stares. It watches. Lurking in on the other side of the screen. Sometimes it’s rather creepy. I don’t like it.

I wouldn’t say it’s scary. Not in the technical sense of the word. I’m not afraid to walk to my car or go to bed at night. It’s not that kind of scary.

It’s the kind of scary that haunts your psyche. It’s in the back of my mind whispering. Telling me I’ll stay stuck. Haunting me that I will never be able to move forward.

Like I said. It’s creepy. Scary in that sense of scary.

I’m telling you this for a reason.

Most people in crisis mode in their marriage experience something similar.

It’s not writer’s block. It’s relationship block.

It stares at them as if taunting them that things will never change. They will be stuck forever.

But you know what?

It comes around for the same reason writers block haunts me. You are unprepared.

You see, I stare at the blank page when I don’t know what to say. When I’m not prepared to write. That’s when the monster shows up.

Same with you.

That monster that haunts your relationship is there because you don’t know what to do.

It’s there for a reason.

But like me, it leaves once I get clarity on my mission. Once I know what to say. Once I realize I have a message to get to the world…once I my heart gets a picture of what I want to communicate, the monster leaves.

That’s how it works. Clarity and focus banish the monster.

Again…same with you.

Once you know what to do…what to say…the monster of ‘marriage block’ will leave. It is banished because of knowledge. Knowing what to do and when to do it pushes that ugly, intimidating monster out of your head.

I’ve heard it said ‘knowledge is power.’ Not sure if that’s true in every situation. You need more than information to turn things around.

But…

In this case, knowing what to do and when to do it leads to transformation. It kills the blank screen of marital problems.

Three Ways To Know What To Do To Help Your Marriage

Three things you can immediately do to get your relationship moving in the right direction.

1. Ask Questions. Then Listen.

When I don’t know what to do, I ask questions. Open ended questions. Not ‘yes’ or ‘no’ questions.

For example, ask your spouse an open question then listen to their answer. This helps you understand what’s happening in their world. It helps you get a bearing on what’s going on in their head.

Try these open-ended questions for starters

• How would you like your life to be in the next three years?
• How would you compare yourself as a father/mother, husband/wife to your own father/mother?
• If you could redo the last 3 years, what would you do different?
• What qualities do you value most in a friend?
• If you could choose a different career, what would you do?
• Do you think you’ve changed in the last year? If so, how?

Notice that these questions aren’t necessarily about your relationship, but if you are wise you can see the correlation.

One example…

By asking what they would redo from the last 3 years you can learn what they value, and what they consider mistakes in their life. This will help you understand their frame of mind. Which should give you clues about how to bridge the gap in your relationship.

Asking questions gives you information so you can know how to conquer the blank screen in your marriage.

Ask enough of the right questions and you will have all the information you need to discover how to work on your relationship.

2. Refuse to Get Negative

When I’m staring at a blank screen, the last thing I need to do is complain. If I get negative I put my mind into a gear that prevents it from giving me solutions.

When I’m positive, my brain can go to work and offer solutions.

Negativity never solves the problem.

It can only make it worse.

Quick story…

Tom and Alice were struggling. Alice knew they were headed for trouble. Tom was shutting down emotionally. He wasn’t the greatest communicator in the first place, but his emotional withdrawal was bringing their relationship to an impasse. Alice didn’t know what to do.

She tried counseling. Read books. Even went to a seminar at a local church. But nothing was moving their relationship forward.

In frustration she called her mom and broke down in tears on the phone. She told her what was happening, and that she was afraid Tom might even be having an affair. (which was not true).

Hoping for consultation, she shared her fears with her mother.

Yet, instead of comfort, Alice’s mom used the opportunity to tell her everything she didn’t like about Tom. Reaching out to her family backfired.

The result was Alice’s mother fueled the insecurity and fear she was already feeling. This caused her brain to get further stuck. The blank screen of not knowing what to do intensified.

The negative influence from her family didn’t help Alice find a solution. In fact, it created a bigger problem. Not only did she not know what to do, now she was in negative mode. Which closed the circuits on her inner creative genius (which will tell us what to do), AND it fed the monster in her head.

When you need clarity on what steps to take and what to do to move your marriage forward, avoid negative input which confuses and clouds your perspective.

3. Get Professional Help When Needed

Sometimes we need to talk to someone who is smarter than we are. Not more intellectual than we are. Just smarter. Smarter because they know something about relationships we don’t know.

I’m not talking about a therapist or counselor. That can be a good move, or a bad move. Depends on the counselor.

We need someone who has been where we’ve been, or who has worked with people to recognize the issues behind the issues (the real problems) and who can give us direction on what to do next.

This is the biggest issue with marital trouble.

I’m convinced most problems can be fixed. Even an affair. If both parties are willing to forgive and work on the relationship, the marriage can be saved.

The problem is most couples simply don’t know what to do.

That’s been the theme and point of this entire article. The blank screen. Not writer’s block, but marriage block.

What do you write when you don’t know what to write?

What do you do to fix your marriage when you don’t know what to do?

You have to beat the monster of the blank screen. To do that, you need to go to the people who know how to get you moving in the right direction.

Get A Game Plan To Get Unstuck

At risk of sounding salesy, you need a game plan. When you don’t know what to do, ask someone who does know.

There are plenty of great books on marriage and relationships. But most books offer theory. Not practical, step by step help.

The blank screen needs more than theory. The monster only leaves when you know what to say. When you know what to do.

That’s the key.

One of the best (if not THE best) programs to give you a step by step plan to get your marriage on the right track is the Save the Marriage System by Dr. Lee Baucom.

You can read more about here.

No matter what stage of conflict your marriage is in, Dr. Baucom has a common sense, practical guide that will give you specific things to do that will kill the monster of the blank screen.

Like I said, the only way I conquer the blank screen is when I know what I want to say. Then it’s just a matter of getting the words in the right order. It may not be perfect, but it’s no longer blank.

That’s the goal. To give words to my thoughts.

And that’s your goal. To have an action plan so you know what to do.

If you want to kill the monster, you have to know what to do.

It’s that simple.

What To Do Next

I talked about what it is like to stare at a blank screen when I have a writing deadline. The same thing happens when you don’t know what to do next in your relationship.

The three things I gave you to defeat that feeling of ‘not knowing’ what to do were:

1. Ask questions. Then listen.
2. Refuse to get negative
3. Get Professional Help When Needed

Now, it’s your turn.

What steps have you taken to create the marriage of your dreams?

Leave me a comment below.

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