What’s Going On In The Winchester House

It’s an icon of sorts.  Breathtaking on the outside.  Odd, at best, on the inside.  Some even call it ‘erie.’  Especially those in the ‘horror’ genre.

Located in San Jose, California, the Winchester house has a reputation of weirdness.  But why?  What makes it such a tourist attraction and icon?  And how does that apply to building a healthy marriage?

Hang on and I’ll answer those questions.  But first a little back story:

The Winchester House

The Winchester House is named after Sarah Lockwood Winchester, the wife of William Wirt Winchester.  Williams father, Oliver, created the ‘lever-action repeating rifle.  It is dubbed ‘the gun that won the west.’  It could fire a shot every 4 seconds. This was astounding at the time.

The gun was so popular that the Winchester name became synonymous with the term ‘rifle.’  And Oliver Winchester became a very wealthy man.

William inherited much of the Winchester fortune.  Upon his death in 1881, his wife Sarah became the possessor of a 20 million inheritance.  This was in 1881.  That figure in 2017 would have been $507 million dollars.

She started construction of the 24,000 square foot Winchester House in 1886.  As mentioned, it is located in San Jose, California and has become a tourist attraction because of it’s oddities.

For example, the has 950 doors, 10,000 windows, 47 fireplaces, 6 kitchens, 40 stairways and 52 skylights.  Here’s what is odd; there is an estimated to have 160 rooms.  Notice I used the term ‘estimated.’  No one knows for sure.

The house is now a tourist attraction.  When they began to count the rooms, everyone came up with a different number.  Eventually they settled on ‘around 160.’

What makes the house so unusual?  So weird?

Historians believe that Sarah grieved over the loss of her husband, so she went to a fortune teller or medium to help her contact her dead husband.  The spiritualist informed her that the death of William (and their only daughter, Annie) was the result of blood money.  Since the Winchester rifles had caused the death of so many people, William died.

To “expiate the death visited upon the world by her husband’s famous rifle, she had to “build a home for [herself] and for the spirits who have fallen from this terrible weapon.”  (Source)

She was also told that if she stopped construction on the house, she would die.  The house was in constant construction for 38 years.

Each evening she would conduct a seance of sorts, to seek advice from the spirit world on what to do next.  Once she received instructions she would give new demands to the builders each day.

Here’s 10 interesting facts about the Winchester Mystery House…

A House That Goes Nowhere

The house includes bizarre and odd rooms. There are staircases that go nowhere.  Skylights in the floor.    Doors that open to blank walls. There are secret passage ways and trap doors throughout the house.

On the outside it is a beautiful mansion.  On the inside it is a mysterious labyrinth.

There are tales of ghosts and spirits that haunt the house.  In fact, in 2017 a horror movie was based on this unique building.  The name of the movie?  Winchester, of course.

Was Sarah Winchester crazy?

Some believe so.

Others think she was merely terrified of death.  Many believe she was actually tormented by the spirits of those who died at the hands of the Winchester rifle.  So she built the house as a maze to confuse the spirit world.  It is aptly considered one of the most haunted houses in America.

The truth?  I’m not sure we will ever know.

But I do think there are lessons we can learn…

Connecting The Dots

What does this have to do with marriage?  With your life?

While I find the story fascinating, I want to focus on a few ‘life lessons’ that we can glean and apply to our lives.

Here’s what we will cover in this article:

1. Listening to the Wrong Voices.  How being selective about what influences us is a key to success.

2. Acting Out of Fear Rather than Love.  How you never get what you want when you try to get it with fear.

3. Not having an End Goal or Destination in Mind.  How failure to chart a course and leaving your relationship to chance will keep you from the life you desire.

Let’s get started…

1. Listening to the Wrong Voices

In the case of Ms. Winchester, she literally listened to the voices of ‘spirits and ghosts of dead people.’  Or delusional voices in her own mind.  Even worse, deceiving spirits that were far more diabolical than she realized.  Either case, she heeded the wrong voices.

Instead of creating and building a house that was liveable and useful, she built one that went nowhere.  It was un-useful for all practical purposes.  Though it is now a tourist attraction, it was a house characterized by confusion, bizarre oddities, and  an erie aura.

How does this relate to marriage?

Here’s a couple of thoughts…

1) We are influenced by the people we associate with.  It’s impossible to avoid their impact and influence in our lives.  Even if we don’t think they are influencing us, they are.

Point?  Make sure we are bringing the right people into our lives.  People that will add value and help us build the kind of life we desire.

Avoid relationships that are toxic.  Especially other couples who do not share our values and purpose.  Toxic couples can have a negative affect on your marriage.  Avoid them at all cost.

2) Add mentors in your life.  Make sure you have couples with more life experience than you.

Marriage is an ongoing relationship that we have to build.  Make sure you are listening to the right voices.

Don’t be like Sarah Winchester and give yourself to voices that do not move you toward your destiny.

2. Acting Out of Fear Rather than Love

Fear never accomplishes what you intend.  It always falls short of what you want to accomplish.

Quick story…

Jim and Ellen (not their real names) came to me for counsel.  They were struggling in their marriage.  Jim was unhappy.  Ellen was fearful.

It didn’t take long for me to get a clear picture of what was happening.  Because Ellen was fearful her needs would not be met, she contrived situations to manipulate Jim to do what she wanted.  She thought if he did what she wanted him to do, she would feel loved by him.

The opposite happened.  The more she manipulated Jim, the less love she felt.

Reason?  You can’t get true love by extracting it from someone.  Love is something that is given.  Not taken.

This is counter-intuitive.  Most couples (at least most of the ones I’ve talked with) practice some form of manipulation in order to get what they want.  But it never works.  It can’t.  Because you can’t extract what can only be offered (given).

Sarah Winchester was acting out of fear.  Fear she would be cursed.  Fear she would lose her wealth.  Fear she would offend the spirits.

Her fears were deep and foreboding.

Ironically, the thing she feared the most happened.  Not because she offended the spirit world.  But because she listened to the wrong voices (read point #1 again if this hasn’t sunk in).  And operated out of fear instead of love.

Back to marriage:

When we serve our spouse out of love, we end up getting what we truly long for – love in return.  But when we try to ‘make someone love us,’ whether through manipulation, control, or some other fear tactic, we never get what we really wanted.  We may achieve compliance.  They may ‘do’ the action we wanted them to do.  But we will not get the emotional investment we really wanted.

One example…

A woman wants her husband to value her.  She wants to know that she is chosen.  That he loves her.

She believes if he brings her flowers it will prove or demonstrate he really loves her.

So she drops hints at first. But he doesn’t respond.  So she drops bigger hints.  Still, no response.

Next, she informs him that Kelly’s husband ALWAYS gets her flowers.  The insinuation is that if he loved her like Kelly’s husband loves Kelly, he would get her flowers.  Again.  No response.

Finally she nags and complains.  Eventually he responds.  But she doesn’t ‘feel’ the way she thought she would feel.  It’s unfulfilling.  Why?  You cannot get through manipulation and control what is only designed to be freely  offered.  You have to receive love.  You cannot take it.  It’s given.  Not extracted.

Silly example?  Sure.  But it happens on different levels all the time with couples.

It’s better to clearly state what you want so the other person can make a choice.  They can either love you well (by giving themselves to you) or deny that love.  Either response is better than the emptiness that comes from manipulation.

Key Takeaway:  How are you operating in fear?  Are you doing things to manipulate and control your spouse, only to find that it is empty?

How can you change this behavior?  How can you operate in love rather than fear?

What difference do you think this will make in your marriage?

3. Not Having an End Goal or Destination in Mind

Each evening Sarah Winchester would consult the spirit world to get plans for the next day.  Then, each morning she would give those ‘new’ plans to the building crew.  They would then start to work on the information she gave them.  Not only did this result in building projects that were never finished, there was no order to the house.

Skylights on the floor.  Doors that go nowhere.  Staircases that lead to a closed wall.

Think about it.  Would you start a building project without knowing what it would look like in the end?  Most would not.  Especially if it was costing you millions of dollars.  Yet this is what happened with the Winchester house.

Because she had no final plan on what the house was to look like…or be, she continued to build.  Only to find out that it was un-useful.  Pointless.

We do the same in our marriages.

Most people enter marriage with little or no real vision of what they want their family to look like.  They have very little sense of ‘destiny’ attached to their relationship.

Yet, I believe this is one of the most important foundational pieces in a relationship.  Many psychologist believe that we should evaluate and understand the role of every relationship in our life.  Friendships.  Relatives.  Business relationships.  Casual acquaintances.  We should know ‘where to put’ each of them.  They should have their place.  And we should understand that place.  In essence, we should know the purpose of every relationship in our life.

You may agree or disagree.  But you have to admit, understanding ‘why’ you got married, and ‘what’ you want to accomplish in your relationship gives you a sense of purpose.  It adds a sense of destiny to your marriage.  Without this, marriage can fall into the trap of insignificance.  It can even feel un-useful.  Confusing.  And like it is going nowhere.

When you possess a sense of destiny – you know you are together for a reason – it fuels your relationship.  It fills you with a sense of purpose and passion.  Something that feels bigger than the both of you.  That’s destiny.

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This is one of the reasons I encourage couples to spend time together.  To think, discuss and discover their ‘why.’

Don’t get me wrong.  Love is a huge reason for marriage.  I married my wife because my love for her is bigger than me.  Yet, there is something more that brought us together.  Together we have a sense of purpose.  We  have a reason for being together that is even bigger than our love for each other.  It drives us to discover more about each other.  To help each other become what we were meant to be.  And to get involved in projects and programs that impact the world.

I need to ask…Does that make sense to you?  Does it resonate in your heart?

Here’s a quick exercise to do with your spouse: (Discuss with your partner)

1. What gifts, talents and abilities do we have together – as a husband and wife – to offer other people that could impact their lives in a positive way?
2. What needs in our community, church or world move us emotionally?
3. How could we spend our time making the world a better place?
4. What are we passionate about (as a couple)?
5. What experiences have we been through that could help someone else?  (Example: loss of a child, loss of job, financial loss, etc)
6. Is there a project we can do together that would make us more connected and feel more fulfilled?
7. Fill in the blank:  If I could do anything with my life to  make a difference in the world, I would ______________.

Wrap Up

While the Winchester House makes a great story, it fails as a marriage model.  There are so many lessons we can learn from this erie tale.  Our goal should be to work to make sure we do not fall prey to the traps that Sarah Winchester experienced.

Just to recap, we’ve seen:

1.   Being selective about what influences us is a key to success.  Listening to the wrong voices can easily lead us away from what we want out of our marriage.

2. You never get what you want when you try to get it with fear.  Acting out of love is superior to fear.

3. Failure to chart a course for your marriage, leaving your relationship to chance will keep you from the life you desire.  You must know where you want to go in your relationship, and develop a plan to get there.

Why not take some time and do the exercises above.

Remember, it takes intention and consistent action to build a great marriage.  Avoid these three traps and make your relationship the one you’ve always dreamed of.

Want to dig deeper?

The highly acclaimed book, Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, is now available as a DVD series recorded live from one of the Love and Respect conferences.  Check the various formats and prices.

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