How To Start Over In A Relationship: 9 Steps To Take If You Feel Disconnected

When you’ve encountered problems in your marriage, you may want to know how to start over when your marriage is struggling. 

In this article we will discuss how to get back on track when your marriage has hit a brick wall and ask what else can be done if the issues are more complicated than that?

It’s a tough time if you’re in a relationship where the love just doesn’t feel the same anymore. What can you do to change it? How can you start over? 

It might seem impossible, but it’s not! We’ve put together important keys you needto know about how to get out of your cycle of arguments, fights, and isolation and move into something better.

How To Start Over In A Relationship When Your Marriage Is Struggling

Whether you feel ‘mildly out of touch’ or are having major marriage issues, these nine steps will help you move in the right direction.

1. Assess the situation. What is causing problems in your current relationship? 

When you want to get your marriage back on track, it’s important that you assess the situation before anything else. What are the problems in your relationship? What is the cause of them? 

It’s hard to identify what is causing those problems because they might be caused by a myriad of different things. You have to find out what exactly is wrong.
To do this , you need to start by asking yourself the following questions:

• What are the issues that we are struggling with in our relationship right now?
• What is wrong with the way I am saying things to my partner? 
• What is making me feel so angry and upset? What kind of sensations do I have when I get angry? 
• What is going on when my partner doesn’t listen to me or responds in a way that upsets me?
• What does my body feel like when this happens? What emotions do I experience then and what can they be linked to? 

This is a good starting place, especially if you aren’t sure what’s causing your relationship struggles. These questions help you dig deep to find out how you feel and pinpoint the cause.

2. Take responsibility for your own actions and make a conscious effort to change them 

When you want to get your marriage back on track, it’s important that you make a conscious effort to change the behaviors that are causing problems in your current relationship. You need to take responsibility for your own actions and start by making small changes yourself.

Taking responsibility means you realize there is only so much you can do to change things. You can’t force another person to change, but you have the power to make choices and choose how you act.

By taking responsibility you acknowledge that you are the cause of your own problems and you can start to take control of them. This doesn’t mean you take the blame for everything. It simply means you own your role in any problems.

Here are two ways that will help you take responsibility.

1) Ask what you can do to make things better. 

When you want to get your marriage back on track, it’s important that you take the time to ask what can be done in your current relationship. Don’t assume that nothing can be done to solve your problems. It’s better to go beyond the obvious and ask yourself and the other person for ways to fix things, rather than assuming there is nothing that will help.

It’s all too easy when things aren’t going well to jump into conclusions about how bad things are and assume there is nothing that can be done.

But the truth is, the starting point to change things for the better is to be willing to look at what can be done. So, you need to start by saying “Ok, what can I do?” and then asking yourself “What else should I try? “

2) Ask your partner how they feel about a particular situation.

When you want to get your marriage back on track, it’s important that you ask your partner how they feel about a particular situation. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with them, but at least getting their input will help you make an informed decision so that you can handle things in the right way when they happen again.

3. Make an honest assessment of what needs to be improved in yourself 

Ok, so you’re ready to make a change in your own life. This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, but if there are things that are causing problems in your current relationship then you need to start with looking at what needs to be improved in yourself. 

You might not have any idea of what it is that you need to change, but it’s worth thinking about how the problems in your marriage might be caused by something specific. But before we talk about what types of changes you can make, let’s take a look at some questions that will help get us started.

1) What do I want other people to think of me? 
2) What am I good at? 
3) When I am in a difficult situation, what do I often think to myself? 
4) How do I handle feelings of anger? 
5) How do I react when my partner is upset or angry? 
6) What am I proud of? 
7) When things in my life aren’t going well, who do I turn to and why?
8) How has my upbringing influenced how I act now? 
9) What is the most important part of being in a relationship for me? 
10) Then ask yourself what is important for your partner?

If you take the time to evaluate these questions, you will understand the changes you need to make in your life. Self evaluation is the first step toward life transformation. Without this information, you are merely ‘shooting in the dark’ hoping you will hit a target.

4. Make sure you are communicating on a more open level within your relationship 

If you want to make a change in your relationship, it’s important that you communicate on a more open level. You need to really be listening to what your partner has to say and speak openly about what is bothering you. 

It can make all the difference in the world if you try talking about feelings rather than reacting with anger or defensiveness. The key here is taking responsibility for your part in any problems and being willing to listen and respond accordingly.

We can’t expect to change important aspects of our marriage if we don’t know what we want and are never sure if we’re getting it.

Here are three things you can do to open up to your spouse:

1. Just listen.

Don’t respond immediately. Take time to formulate a response rather than jumping into your own routine reactions. (Example: not giving a knee jerk reaction to what your partner is saying.)

2. Be willing to be wrong.

The truth is, you might be unaware of certain things that are bothering your partner in the relationship. 

3. Ask questions.

If there are any aspects of the relationship that don’t make sense to you, even if it means admitting you’re wrong about something that was bothering you in the past, ask about them. 

These three tips will help you communicate in a more open way.

If you find yourself having trouble communicating in a more open way, then you need to start having those difficult conversations. The truth is that very few people are naturally good at these kinds of discussions, so take the time to learn by practice and make an effort to be better at them.

5. Be honest about what you don’t like. Don’t be afraid to speak up.

In order to make any type of difference in the relationship, it is important to let your spouse know what you think, feel, and desire. 

It is important for both parties to be open and honest about the difficulties that are happening in their marriage. This way they can work together on a plan to better their relationship. A couple cannot make a change without taking responsibility for themselves and working through these issues together as one.

It is important to have a conversation with your spouse, because it shows them that you are not afraid to deal with the difficult issues in your marriage because you care and want your relationship to be better.

It also helps the other person learn about what they can do for you and how to make your relationship better by understanding each other better.

The problem is that couples often don’t realise how important communication is until the relationship is already broken. If you find yourself in this situation, then it’s important that you try to open up about what’s bothering you because a couple can’t really start working on their relationship until they know what the other person wants and feels.

Keeping communication open needs to be a daily habit if the marriage is going to be restored. For example, when you have not talked for a while, try:

6. Don’t get defensive, but show appreciation when your partner tries to improve 

These two issues are two sides of the same coin.

Avoid Getting Defensive

It’s important to avoid getting defensive when you are talking with your spouse. This is because the discussion you’re engaged in could be an important moment, and if you get offended or angry, it could interrupt the conversation. 

Putting aside your own anger or sadness for a while can help better communicate in a more open way.

Becoming defensive only proves you are not willing to work through your issues with your spouse. When you are defensive, you are essentially saying that you refuse to work through problems. You will often do this by blaming your partner for the issues in your marriage.

Communication should only take place after both parties have calm down so they can talk in a more open and understanding way. This shows that both of you are willing to fix the problems in your relationship rather than just having a fight over them.

It’s important to remember that your spouse is not the enemy. They are someone who shares your life and wants the best for you, just like you do.

Even with this attitude, it can be difficult to avoid getting defensive when things don’t go the way we want them to.

When this happens, it can help to remember that these types of discussions will be a part of any close relationship. So there’s no point in getting upset if these things don’t happen as easily as we’d like them to. Instead, we should try our best not to let anything get in the way of improving our marriage.

Learn To Show Appreciation

It’s important to show your spouse appreciation if you want to improve your marriage. 

When you fail to thank them for something, they might think that their efforts are not appreciated and it can make it more difficult when they need better communication skills.

In order to have a better relationship, make an effort each day to thank them for things they do or express how much you appreciate the time they spend with you. This will strengthen your bond in a way that defusing anger cannot. 

The good news is that even the little things could go a long way when it comes to sustaining marital happiness because we are always so aware of what we don’t have but rarely acknowledge what we do have and can be grateful for instead.

7. Learn how to forgive and move on from arguments quickly and easily, without letting it fester.

It’s important to forgive because it means that you care and want your marriage to work. 

Conflicts happen in any relationship. Knowing how to let go of hurts and offenses is an important skill to learn if you want to move forward in the relationship. 

You can do this by letting go of all hurts, grudges, and offenses. This is especially important because it allows you and your spouse to not keep things bottled up inside where it can eventually fester into something that could end up being more of a problem.

When you are able to let go of hurts and offenses quickly and easily, then you not only put yourself in a better position, but also your partner as well. The bad news is that often we hold onto our anger long after the issue has been resolved so we’re unable to forgive each other at all.

It is never beneficial to hold onto anger instead of letting it go. It can lead to thinking and acting in a way that is not helpful for your marriage if you hold onto anger.

8. Take time out and make sure that you both have time for yourselves separately every day.

In order to have a better relationship, you need to make time for yourselves. This is because if you don’t take the time, it can lead to resentment towards one another.

You can do this by making sure that both of you are taking some time for yourself each day without any distractions such as work or your phone. It’s important to just sit and be present with your thoughts for at least 10 minutes, with no interruptions from anything else. 

This will help heal and strengthen the bond in your marriage in a way that defusing anger cannot because it shows that both of you care about the health of your relationship not just when things are going well but also when times get tough.

Make sure that you have a good balance between quality time spent together and time apart from one another.

9. Remember that you don’t have to be right all the time to make sure your marriage is happy.

In order for your marriage to be a success, you cannot always be right. That’s because if you are always right and never listen when anything is said otherwise, then the relationship will never thrive. 

In the book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Carol Dweck discusses two controling mindsets that determine our success or failure in life. We either have a fixed mindset, or a growth mindset. (Check Amazon)

A Fixed mind is one that gets locked into protecting itself from challenges, therefore does not grow.

A Growth mindset is one that is open to change, challenge, and is not threatened. It desires growth.

Arguing With Your Spouse

Let’s using arguing as an example. Suppose you have an argument or fight with your spouse.

As you argue, things escalate. You soon lose sight of what the argument was about, and the fight devolves into personal assaults.

You yell. Say things you shouldn’t say. It gets ugly.

What has happened?

• You want to be heard
  You want to be validated

These are legitimate desires. However, if you have a fixed mindset, instead of stopping and asking yourself why you are fighting in the first place, you put up walls and push your spouse out.

Your desire to be right and win overtakes the desire to find a resolution and solution so you can improve your marriage.

Your focus is on winning. Getting YOUR needs met. Being right. Getting YOUR point across.

It is not on finding a resolution.

Tony Robbins says:

When you are distracted by winning, you lose track of the actual problem.

A fixed mindset wants to win.

In contrast, a growth mindset wants to resolve the issue and discover how to avoid that issue in the future. It wants to grow.

The need to be right all the time is an indication you are not open to change, growth, or moving forward. You are more interested in winning than connecting.

Final Thoughts

Every marriage has moments of frustration and disappointment that make us feel disconnected. In this article, we discussed how to start over in your relationship.

We presented nine steps to take to get your marriage back on track.

Summary

• How To Start Over In A Relationship When Your Marriage Is Struggling
  • 1. Assess the situation. What is causing problems in your current relationship? 
  • 2. Take responsibility for your own actions and make a conscious effort to change them 
  • 3. Make an honest assessment of what needs to be improved in yourself 
  • 4. Make sure you are communicating on a more open level within your relationship 
  • 5. Be honest about what you don’t like. Don’t be afraid to speak up.
  • 6. Don’t get defensive, but show appreciation when your partner tries to improve 
  • 7. Learn how to forgive and move on from arguments quickly and easily, without letting it fester.
  • 8. Take time out and make sure that you both have time for yourselves separately every day.
  • 9. Remember that you don’t have to be right all the time to make sure your marriage is happy.

What’s Next?