21 Signs of a Relationship Falling Apart

21 signs of a relationship falling apart. No one wants to think their marriage is over. Yet the signs are almost always present. In this article, we discuss the 21 major signs of a failing relationship.

Rob asks:

Over the past year I’ve noticed my wife is pulling away. I know I’m not the best husband in the world but we’ve always been able to talk about our issues and work on our problems. Things have changed. I feel like my relationship is falling apart. Am I just being paranoid? What can I do?

Even in a healthy relationship, there can be minor problems. Most of the time these are not a major issue. They become major when two things happen:

First, they stack. This means they pile up and stack one on top of the other. One issue might not be a problem; two, three, or more is.

Second, they go unchecked. When we fail to address things (or we address them in the wrong way) things can spin out of control.

This article is designed to help you recognize the signs your marriage is in trouble. The principle is you cannot fix what you ignore. If your marriage is failing or falling apart, it’s time to recognize what is happening so you can take action to turn things around.

Warning Signs in a Relationship

A few things to know before we discuss these 21 signs:

1) These are not the only signs. There are others. These are the top 21 we have documented from readers and research.

2) One sign doesn’t mean it’s over. Most of these indicators do not necessarily mean your marriage is in trouble when taken individually. It’s when they are combined with others it signifies deep problems in your relationship. Keep that in mind as you read.

3) Read through this list and think about how they apply to your relationship. This is the only way to get a reality check and face the truth. Do not stick your head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong.

4) At the end you can download a PDF checklist of these 21 signs. This is free.

5) Look through the resources we list at the conclusion of the article. If your marriage is in trouble, there is help available. Sometimes counseling is needed. Sometimes it can be counter-productive. Our first recommendation is Dr. Lee Baucom’s program called, ‘Save the Marriage System.’

We are affiliated with all the programs listed (see our affiliate disclaimer for details), but we only recommended products we believe in. Dr. Baucom’s program is not available through Amazon. You can only get it through this link.

There is a free video where he explains the program. I highly recommend watching the video to see if it resonates with you.

6) Finally, this is written for a husband who is concerned about his wife’s behavior and troubled about their relationship. Although the points address this from the standpoint of the husband (the wife is pulling away), the situation is often reversed. If that is the case, simply change the pronouns to fit your concerns.

21 Signs of a Relationship Falling Apart

These signs contain a subtle (often subconscious) message from your wife. It takes courage to face problems head-on. We provide this list so you can accurately diagnosis your marriage problems. Don’t forget to download the checklist at the end of the article.

1. She has stopped communicating with you.

We all go through stages where communication wanes; poor communication affects many marriages. This, in itself, doesn’t indicate major marriage problems. But if it appears she has cut you out of her regular communication, something is wrong.

This could be in the form of the silent treatment, but more times than not it manifests as withdrawal from your daily conversations – not out of anger, but out of unconcern.

2. There is no intimacy (sex, physical touch, or holding hands) in your relationship.

This speaks for itself. When physical intimacy stops, the heart departs. We are designed for physical contact.

Lack of intimacy is not just about sexual activity. It refers to a general lack of affection. No cuddling. No kissing. No touching or holding hands. A general lack of physical closeness. 

You live more like roommates than lovers. This is called ‘affection apathy.’ It is a bad sign your marriage is in trouble (or headed that way).

3. There has been a recent dramatic change in her routine.

First, we are not talking about new diets, workout plans, or changes demanded by work schedules. A new year often brings new resolutions, goals, and plans. It’s normal to want new things.

What is not normal is the dramatic shift in routine that either excludes you as a partner or radically alters the basic regimen.

For example, signing up for a gym membership in January is common. Nothing weird about it. But working out at 10:00 pm when she has always been someone who went to bed early is out of character. The new practice is not in sync with her past pattern of behavior. This could signal something is wrong.

Second, the focus is on big changes in regimen and routine.

It can be a sign she is ready to move on (away from your marriage). Especially when combined with other factors.

4. You seem to be the brunt of her frustration and bad moods.

There are many factors that affect our mood. Hormone changes, stress, and diet can impact how we feel. This doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong in your marriage.

However, if your partner acts one way around other people and another around you, it is a sign they have disconnected from the relationship.

When your relationship is characterized by one constant argument, it is an indication the marriage is stuck. Especially if fighting has not been a major part of your history. Remember, radical changes can signal trouble.

Contempt is one of the first steps a person takes when they move away from the relationship.

5. She is dressing differently and wearing things (types of clothes) she never wore before.

Again, this alone may not signal anything; but if your spouse drastically changes their apparel, it could be a sign they are intentionally changing their lifestyle.

This is especially true if their manner of clothing has gone from conservative (wholesome) to revealing and sensual.

6. She shows no interest in knowing about your day.

One of the fundamentals of a good marriage is sharing life together. When one partner no longer has an interest in knowing about their spouse’s day (what they did, how they feel, etc), it is a sign of disinterest and disconnection.

Remember this: No interest equals emotional disconnect.

7. When she talks about the future it doesn’t always include you.

This is a huge sign. Dreaming together about the future keeps couples moving in the same direction. When one partner creates a world that doesn’t include the other, big problems are on the horizon.

This isn’t always overt. It can be subtle. They might not say they want to do something without you (vacation, etc), but when they talk about things you don’t seem to have a central role anymore.

This is troubling and signals they are planning things without you in mind. It may even be subconscious, but it is definitely something to monitor and pay attention to.

8. She spends more time with friends than with you.

Having a night out with the girls is normal and healthy.

When this happens more often than not, it can be a sign she is pulling away.

A quick example might help put this in perspective:

My wife and I work on having a great marriage. We do not take it for granted.

There are times when she needs a night (or day) with the girls. She has a close network of girlfriends. These are her lifeline. She is very social. (by the way, I have my guy friends – brothers – I need as well).

I understand her need to connect with her friends. I also know that I am her closest friend. I am confident that, though she needs her friends, she prefers to spend time with me. Because I know this, I am not threatened by her desire to have girl-time. I do not see it as a sign she is withdrawing.

If, however, you do not have confidence you are best friends with your wife, those same behaviors and actions could signal trouble in your marriage.

My point is, this sign alone is not troubling. It becomes a problem when it is combined with an emotional vacancy in your relationship.

9. You don’t feel her support anymore.

A healthy couple supports one another. When this stops, it is a sign they no longer want to be a part of your world.

It may be subtle; they may simply stop asking about your dreams. Even if they say they care, if their actions don’t back it up, they are inwardly pulling away.

10. She doesn’t talk about you to her friends and family anymore.

When one partner begins to leave out ‘updates’ on their activities with friends, it could be a sign they have lost interest (hence they no longer talk about you) in your world.

This happens in two ways:

First, they don’t talk to their friends about you anymore. You’ve become a ghost to them. It’s as if you no longer are part of the conversation.

Second, they don’t talk to you about their friends. Her circle has changed and you are no longer part of it. It’s like a secret society you are no familiar with.

These are signs of emotional detachment. She is pushing you out of her life.

11. She talks about herself (what she wants and likes) all the time.

It’s normal to express your wants, needs, and desires. We encourage couples to do this.

However, it takes on another form when your spouse ONLY seems to care about what they want and they show no interest in what you want.

We can all be selfish at times. When one partner stops caring about their mate, and they focus solely on their own desires, it indicates problems.

12. She no longer asks you to work on the relationship.

Most women want their husbands to work on the marriage. Without trying to stereotype wives, they seem to the be ones who regularly desire to make the marriage better. I think this is pretty normal (whether it is right or not is not the issue – it is generally true in marriages).

When your wife no longer seems interested in working on making the relationship better, it could be a sign she has given up or wants to move on.

If you sense a shift in her willingness to make the marriage better (and she no longer asks you to try), chances are she has lost interest. This is more troubling if she has been the champion of working on the relationship in the past. A significant change in her desire shows she is no longer willing to try.

13. She is closed emotionally and physically to you.

We’ve already mentioned the lack of physical touch as a sign, but when a woman disconnects there is also an emotional withdrawal.

In my opinion, this is one of the biggest signs she is retreating from the marriage.

Why? Generally speaking, women push (not push in a bad sense)more to have a great marriage. They are the first to desire an emotional connection.

When this ceases, it’s because they have already disconnected. It doesn’t necessarily mean they have found someone else, but it is a strong indication they no longer desire or seek emotional connection with you.

Since women are strong emotional connectors, this is a dangerous sign.

14. When you do talk or spend time together, her expectations of you seem extraordinarily high.

This is a nice way of saying, ‘You feel like you can’t do anything right.’

There is a psychological reason for this: when we want to break ties, let go and move on, we like to create strong reasons in our minds. This sometimes causes us to find fault with things that are not wrong or bad.

We do this as a type of justification for our decisions. 

This is one of the signs that need to be balanced or seen in the light of other indicators, but it is one that should be watched.

15. She often talks about co-works (or other people that you don’t know).

It is normal to talk about the people we work with. They are part of our lives.

When this is done in a way where you feel excluded, it can be a dangerous sign she is attracted to someone else.

16. She is secretive with her social media behavior.

Secrecy is deadly for a marriage. Any time this happens it is not healthy. This usually manifests in social media, email, text, and phone conversations. There should be an open book policy in your relationship.

We often encourage couples (those who are having marriage problems) to suspend all social media activity.

If your marriage is worth anything, you should be willing to disconnect from ‘fakebook’ and ‘instaglam’ so you can work on your relationship.

Social media can be a great way to stay connected to friends and family, but more often than not it is a distraction that consumes our lives. It can be especially problematic if your wife gets frustrated when you ask about their online activities.

Many marriages have been damaged by social media addiction. It is something that deserves your attention.

If your wife is secretive about her social media behavior, it is a serious problem.

17. She is not interested in spending quality time with you.

My wife loves our dinner dates. Sometimes we do a ‘day date’ where we go out of town for the day. We explore new cities near us, hike a new trail (we love the outdoors), or simply spend the day at the lake on our boat. These getaways help us connect. We both work to make them possible.

It is natural for couples to plan times to get away so they can connect.

When one partner no longer shows interest in this, chances are they have disconnected from the relationship.

18. There is a change in her moral beliefs.

It is natural to grow, expand and learn new things. However, our basic moral compass usually doesn’t change. When it does, it can signal something is wrong.

We often justify our actions and thoughts by changing our moral compass. Instead of holding the values we once believed, we muddy the water with justifications about issues.

If your spouse has always believed infidelity is wrong and they suddenly begin to justify why someone could cheat on their spouse, they are changing their position to justify their thoughts (and behavior).

Any time someone justifies something that is out of character for them, it is a red flag something is wrong. Moral beliefs do not change easily. When they do, there is a reason. It is worth exploring that reason.

19. She is over-focused on her appearance.

This is one that needs balance. Many (most) women pay close attention to their appearance and want to look good.

This is normal. It becomes questionable when they become overly focused on what other people think about how they look.

Especially if they mention wanting to look good for someone else. When your spouse cares more about how attractive they are to someone else instead of you, something is wrong.

20. She no longer ‘checks in’ with you when she is out.

Expectations vary among couples, but every marriage has checkpoints. It is natural to want your spouse to know where you are if you are going to be late coming home.

If your spouse no longer wants to keep you updated, or becomes frustrated when you ask them, it could be a sign they are pulling away and seeking independence.

This has to be balanced with other signs we’ve discussed. It could be you are simply smothering them and they are pulling away.

When this sign is added to others, however, it indicates a problem in the marriage.

21. She asks you for space.

This is one of the final stages of withdrawing from the marriage. When your spouse asks for space – when they say the words – it’s because they have already departed in their heart.

These are 21 signs that indicate your spouse is pulling away and your marriage is in trouble.

They do not necessarily indicate unfaithfulness in the relationship, although many of them are indicators you should pay attention to.

They are signs your marriage is not heading in the right direction and she is no longer interested in making the relationship work.

The Major Signs of a Failing Relationship

Below is a checklist of the 21 signs your marriage is in trouble. The major indicators are the obvious ones.

When your partner asks for space, time, or makes it clear they no longer are interested in making the marriage work, they have emotionally abandoned the relationship.

Specifically take note of changing moral beliefs, radical changes in her routine, and lack of physical intimacy. These are strong indicators something is wrong.

Under ‘What’s Next?’ you will find resources that will help you know what to do if there is a positive indication something is wrong in your marriage.

Final Thoughts on Signs A Relationship Is Falling Apart

These 21 points may not mean much by themselves. When you notice a combination of several points, they are signs a relationship is falling apart. It indicates an emotional disconnect. They have detached from the marriage.

By understanding these 21 signs you will be better equipped to recognize trouble and be prepared to take action to get your marriage back on track.

Summary

Here is a recap of the 21 indicators:

• 1. She has stopped communicating with you.
• 2. There is no intimacy (sex, physical touch, or holding hands) in your relationship.
• 3. There has been a recent dramatic change in her routine.
• 4. You seem to be the brunt of her frustration and bad moods.
• 5. She is dressing differently and wearing things (types of clothes) she never wore before.
• 6. She shows no interest in knowing about your day.
• 7. When she talks about the future it doesn’t always include you.
• 8. She spends more time with friends than with you.
• 9. You don’t feel her support anymore.
• 10. She doesn’t talk about you to her friends and family anymore.
• 11. She talks about herself (what she wants and likes) all the time.
• 12. She no longer asks you to work on the relationship.
• 13. She is closed emotionally and physically to you.
• 14. When you do talk or spend time together, her expectations of you seem extraordinarily high.
• 15. She often talks about co-works (or other people that you don’t know).
• 16. She is secretive with her social media behavior.
• 17. She is not interested in spending quality time with you.
• 18. There is a change in her moral beliefs.
• 19. She is over-focused on her appearance.
• 20. She no longer ‘checks in’ with you when she is out.
• 21. She asks you for space.

What’s Next?

To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.

Five Simple Steps Marriage Course
Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini series you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.

Magic Relationship Words by Susie and Otto Collins