If you are in an unfulfilling relationship that’s characterized by disrespect, criticism, and lack of affection, maybe it’s time to get a true perspective of what’s going on. Here are 15 signs to help you diagnose your marriage. These signs of an unloving husband can help you understand the true state of your relationship.

This is part of our Unloved Series.

According to Dana Adam Shapiro, only 17 percent of couples are content in their marriage. (Psychology Today).

According to Vicki Larson, 60% of couples are truly unhappy. 40% have considered ending the relationship.

Why are these numbers so inflated? Why are so many couples struggling to make it in marriage?

The answers are complex, but these 15 signs will help you identify (and hopefully correct) what’s troubling your relationship.

It’s important to note, this list is not designed to give you further grounds for criticizing and complaining to (and about) your spouse. It is offered as a starting point so you know what you are up against, and how you can change the trajectory of your marriage.

15 Signs of Unloving Husband

Because marriage is a give-and-take relationship, it is easy to get out of balance. We never seem to walk in a straight line when it comes to our marriage. There are twists and turns we have to navigate. The path is not always a paved road.

This is not an indication of serious marriage problems. It just means we must pay attention to things in our relationship. We can’t let problems go undetected or unaddressed.

There are, however, clear signs your spouse is pulling away and disconnecting from you. Here are 15 things you need to pay attention to if you feel you are in an unloving marriage.

1) Your Husband Doesn’t Acknowledge Your Feelings

Feelings should not control our lives. Emotions are ‘things’ we have; they are not ‘us.’ We have emotions, we are not emotions. This is an important distinction.

To the degree you allow your feelings to dominate your life, you abdicate (give up) control of your life.

To the degree you allow your feelings to dominate your life, you abdicate (give up) control of your life. Click To Tweet

That said, we do have feelings. And they are important. They indicate when something is ‘off’ and even help us connect with others. They play an important role. I hope you see the balance.

One indicator you are in an unloving relationship is when your spouse no longer shows interest in how you feel.

Empathy is one of the major factors in a healthy relationship. Empathy is the ability (and willingness) to look at life from someone else’s perspective.

When this is missing in your marriage, it is a strong indicator that your spouse is not loving you in a positive, meaningful way.

2) Your Partner Doesn’t Communicate (Or Merely Grunts His Responses)

Lack of communication is one of the major factors in failing marriages. It is one of the key ingredients in trust. How can you trust someone if you do not know them? And how can you know someone if they do not communicate with you on a meaningful level? 

Two significant indicators of failed communication are:

1) He stops asking about your life.

Daily connection is vital for marriage. My wife and I always end our day talking. We discuss issues that need to be addressed, but more than that, we talk about life. Dreams, desires, disappointments; since these are things that makeup life, they are things that you should connect over.

When your spouse is no longer concerned about your ‘world’ and he doesn’t ask questions, it is a strong indicator he has disconnected from the relationship.

When your spouse is no longer concerned about your 'world' and he doesn't ask questions, it is a strong indicator he has disconnected from the relationship. Click To Tweet

2) He doesn’t listen when you try to talk about things.

Being heard (listened to) is one of the key components of a positive relationship. When this is missing it is a bad sign that the relationship is moving in the wrong direction.

This has as much to do with emotional connection as it does verbal communication.

3) Hobbies Taker Priority Over Your Relationship

I met a woman who indicated her husband would often take expensive golf trips (even to other countries) with his buddies, but for years the family (they had small children) did not get to go on vacation.

There are times we need to get away and detox. Yet, it is deadly to a relationship for a hobby to replace your spouse.

The woman mentioned above has frequently remarked, ‘I’m married to my husband, but unfortunately, he is married to his Putter!’

When you notice your spouse would rather spend time on his hobby than with you, it is a warning sign.

4) Entertainment Is More Important Than Your Marriage

I separate entertainment and hobbies even though they parallel; in fact, they often overlap significantly, yet I want to keep them distinct.

Hobbies are things you do ‘away from home.’ Think golf, tennis, fishing, hunting, etc. The list is endless.

Entertainment doesn’t necessarily take your husband away from home, but it does preoccupy his attention while he is at home. Think football, basketball, golf (on television), movies, etc.

I’ve heard more than one wife complain that her husband would rather spend time watching television rather than talk to her. Some even say their sex life suffers because he is so ‘glued to the television.’ She is willing to get intimate, but he won’t turn off the TV.

When the couch takes president over the bedroom, there is reason for concern.

When the couch takes president over the bedroom, there is reason for concern. Click To Tweet

5) He Criticizes and Puts You Down

Discussing issues where you disagree is one thing; criticizing your spouse’s character and person (who they are) is another. We cross a boundary of respect when we put down our spouse.

Relationship John Gottman often talks about the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. It’s his way of noting the four worst indicators of a troubled marriage.

These four indicators are:

• Contempt
• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

In the video below, his team explains these four concepts in a little more detail.

Of these four, the two I believe are most toxic are criticism and contempt. We all know criticism when we see (or hear) it. But what about contempt?

Gottman defines it this way:

When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.

John Gottman

When your spouse exhibits these four characteristics on a regular basis, it will destroy a healthy marriage. It is the ultimate display of a lack of respect.

6) He Is Constantly Distracted (Not Present)

Other things take priority over you.

He doesn’t pay attention to what you want him to do. He ignores simple requests for help with household chores.

Real intimacy is about being present. When emotional absence is more obvious than intimate connection, it puts stress on the relationship. It is a strong indicator your spouse is not loving you well.

When emotional absence is more obvious than intimate connection, it puts stress on the relationship. It is a strong indicator your spouse is not loving you well. Click To Tweet

7) He Offers No Affection (And Doesn’t Want It From You)

This is not about sex drive. It’s about intimate affection. The little things a person does to say ‘I love you.’ There is a lack of love when these things are absent.

Many women complain their husband no longer says, ‘I love you.’ They have disengaged emotionally from the relationship.

If you notice he no longer compliments you or doesn’t verbalize his feelings for you anymore, it is a sign he is no longer engaged.

If you notice he no longer compliments you or doesn't verbalize his feelings for you anymore, it is a sign he is no longer engaged. Click To Tweet

8) He Throws Temper Tantrums When He Doesn’t Get His Way

My husband acts like a spoiled brat!

I’ve heard that statement on several occasions. This is a clear indication he is not considerate of how you feel or what you need.

This is usually accompanied by ‘blame throwing.’ This is where he accuses you of wrong and makes sure you know everything is your fault. He makes excuses for his own actions but calls you on the carpet for everything little mistake you make.

Blame Throwing happens when your spouse accuses you of wrong and makes sure you know everything is your fault. He makes excuses for his own actions but calls you on the carpet for everything little mistake you make Click To Tweet

Temper tantrums are a sign of emotional immaturity and can be deadly to your marriage.

9) He Only Considers His Own Needs, Wants, and Desires

Wanting what we want is not a crime (or relationship violation). We all have needs and desires we would like to have met. This is normal in any relationship. Most of us were attracted to our spouse because of something they ‘brought into our lives.’ Again, this is normal.

When does it become abnormal or wrong?

The simple answer is when they no longer want to contribute to YOUR happiness. This is a big sign something has shifted in their heart.

If you notice a change in how your spouse treats you – if they go from being loving and caring to detached and uninvolved – you can be sure something has happened that brought about this transformation. Nothing happens without a reason (unless they are and have always been a jerk).

This can also manifest in his plans. If he no longer considers you or asks you what you want to do, his focus has shifted to his own wants.

You may also want to read our list of books on how to deal with an unloving spouse.

10) He Puts No Effort Into Maintaining the Marriage

Marriage is a lot like an automobile (well, sort-of). They get you where you need to be in luxury and style. But they need to be maintained. That’s the part of the analogy I want you to focus on – maintaining your marriage.

Like any necessary item (your house, car, lawn, even food), effort needs to be made to maintain them. If you ‘let them go’ you only create problems for yourself in the future.

When I was a teenager I blow the motor in my car. Reason? I didn’t change the oil.

I knew better. I grow up on a farm. I knew how to take care of the equipment we used on the farm, I just didn’t apply what I knew to my own vehicle. I was too busy. Distracted. I didn’t pay attention to what my vehicle needed. And I paid for it.

It was a clunker so it was cheaper for me to ditch it and buy another automobile. One lesson I learned from that experience: If something matters to you, pay attention to it. If you don’t, you will pay the wrong kind of attention later.

This goes for marriage as well. If you fail to pay attention to your relationship and you do not invest time, energy, and even money in it, you will pay a higher price later.

Anything worth having is worth taking care of.

If you fail to pay attention to your relationship and you do not invest time, energy, and even money in it, you will pay a higher price later. Click To Tweet

When your spouse no longer invests in the relationship, they are not demonstrating love. I’ve said it before, but it needs to be repeated, love for most people can be spelled, T.I.M.E.

11) He Avoids Spending Time With You

This goes along with the previous point and amplifies it. When you stop investing in your marriage it is like letting the weeds grow in your yard. Eventually, they take over and make the place look terrible.

The only way you can build intimacy and closeness in a relationship is by spending time with each other.

Time doesn’t guarantee you will be close, but I guarantee without it you will not be close. Make sense? I hope so. Time is a crucial factor to build intimacy.

Love can’t exist without an investment of time. This doesn’t mean ‘clock time’ necessarily (although that is important). Clock time is time measured by minutes and hours.

Time doesn't guarantee you will be close, but I guarantee without it you will not be close. Love can't exist without the investment of time. Click To Tweet

For example, my wife and I live near a lake. During warm months we spend almost every afternoon on our boat. It is our ‘clock time.’ We invest literal hours together.

There is another type of time that is important in marriage; I call it ’emotional time.’ It doesn’t necessarily require literal minutes and hours. It is more of an emotional (psychological) investment in the relationship.

This happens when we give our heart to our spouse.

Quick example:

When we were dating (and for the first few years we were married) I had to travel for business. I had a buddy I traveled with (I’m a strong believer in accountability when traveling).

While on the road I would often spend hours writing Michelle letters. I missed her (I was often gone for a week at a time) and I wanted to connect with her. Letter writing has always been a ‘thing’ between us. We like to send each other cards and letters.

While I wasn’t logging ‘clock time’ because I couldn’t see her, I was investing in ’emotional time’ by thinking about her.

I have found this is a strong indicator of the level of love between a couple. Not that every couple has to share ‘our’ passion for letters; this investment can come in many forms. But I’ve noticed that couples that think about each other throughout the day have a positive relationship.

When this is missing it can indicate a lack of passion in the relationship.

I've noticed that couples that think about each other throughout the day have a positive relationship. Click To Tweet

12) He Is Defensive About Everything

Most people can get defensive when they feel attacked. It’s normal human behavior. 

It is not normal to see everything as an assault on you personally. Husbands who tend to be defensive about everything won’t let little things go. Every issue blows up into major conflict.

They see problem-solving as an attempt to fight. Everything becomes an issue. They live on the verge of outrage because they see their spouse as the enemy.

Defensiveness is a way that might be used to blame a partner instead of taking responsibility for one’s own behavior. For example, “I would help with the laundry more if you weren’t always telling me I’m doing it wrong.” Defensive comments usually escalate negativity in any conversation.

(Negative Communication Patterns Damage Relationships)

Over time, this pattern of responding to your spouse leads to a greater lack of communication and breakdown of trust in the marriage.

13) He Retreats To A Fantasy World

I love a good movie. My wife and I have a particular type of movie we enjoy. It is usually one with a happy ending. She often says, ‘There is too much in life that can be painful; I want a movie that lets me escape from reality.’ She is half-joking, but there is a lot of truth in her statement.

Wanting to escape the rut and grind of life is not bad (necessarily). It can actually be healthy in some respect. It becomes troublesome when it causes you to detach from dealing with issues that need your attention.

This type of retreat has negative consequences in a marriage.

One way men retreat is through creating a false world where they control all the outcomes. This is most often done through pornography.

There are many negative effects of pornography on marriage. It’s not just about sex. It is about controlling life and forcing the outcome we desire. Sure, we all want things to go our way. 

Pornography offers something deeper; it creates a world where you do not have to engage, give yourself, or connect with the other person. You take instead of give. This is why it is detrimental to marriage. It is a false relationship; one where you only have to receive instead of giving of yourself. This is why pornography never satisfies and leads to deeper psychological issues – it disconnects you from real love.

Pornography creates a world where you do not have to engage, give yourself, or connect with the other person. . This is why it is detrimental to marriage. It is a false relationship; one where you only have to receive instead of… Click To Tweet

It is a fantasy world he can control. Which usually indicates the real world is out of control.

It can be an indication he is disconnected from your relationship and opting for a ‘fake’ one instead.

14) He Is Bored With Your Marriage

I like adventure. My wife and I love to hike, kayak and explore. Our idea of adventure is quite different. When we lived in Colorado we planned to explore a new area one day. She jokingly said, ‘I want to go somewhere safe and hope it’s adventurous, while you want to go somewhere adventurous and maybe it will be safe.’

She is accurate. I get bored without a little adventure in life.

This doesn’t mean I’m bored with my marriage. Men who are bored with their marriage aren’t just looking for adventure; they are usually tired of the concept of ‘being together.’

There are many reasons this can happen. My goal is not to list all the reasons. We will cover that in another article. My point is to make you aware that being bored with your marriage is an indicator that he has emotionally departed.

Boredom is a sign he is no longer interested in the relationship. It is a step away from the marriage.

15) He Gets His Emotional Needs Met Elsewhere

This is a big indicator your marriage is in trouble. 

We all have emotional and physical needs. Marriage is the safe place where we express those needs and have them met. Your union together implies you are looking to each other to meet those needs.  It is our responsibility to meet the needs of our spouse.

When one partner seeks to have their emotional needs met outside of your relationship, it wrecks physical intimacy and damages our union.

Our personal well being is wrapped up in having our core needs met in a loving, long term relationship. Without this, marriage isn’t marriage.

Anytime one partner looks to someone other than their spouse to meet core emotional, intimacy, and bonding needs, it is a bad sign the marriage is fractured.

Our personal well being is wrapped up in having our core needs met in a loving, long term relationship. Without this, marriage isn't marriage.Anytime one partner looks to someone other than their spouse to meet core emotional,… Click To Tweet

It is a shifting of allegiance; one partner disconnects from the other and tries to connect to someone else. It might be an emotional affair or a physical affair, but a significant characteristic of an unloving spouse is when they seek to have their emotional needs met outside of the marriage.

Final Thoughts on Signs of Unloving Husband

It is painful to be in a relationship with an unloving spouse. We began this article by noting that only 17% of couples indicate they are happy in their relationship. Being unhappy doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is unloving. Happiness (at that moment in time) could be contingent on a number of issues.

It is alarming, however, that 40% of troubled couples have considered ending their relationship. This fact prompted us to look at the signs that indicate a bad marriage – one where love is not the key component.

This article only discusses the fifteen major signs (there are more but these 15 are very significant). In this series, Unloved, we also discuss ways to deal with a spouse who withholds love.

Summary

Recap of the 15 Signs of an Unloving Husband:

• 1) Your Husband Doesn’t Acknowledge Your Feelings
• 2) Your Partner Doesn’t Communicate (Or Merely Grunts His Responses)
• 3) Hobbies Taker Priority Over Your Relationship
• 4) Entertainment Is More Important Than Your Marriage
• 5) He Criticizes and Puts You Down
• 6) He Is Constantly Distracted (Not Present)
• 7) He Offers No Affection (And Doesn’t Want It From You)
• 8) He Throws Temper Tantrums When He Doesn’t Get His Way
• 9) He Only Considers His Own Needs, Wants, and Desires
• 10) He Puts No Effort Into Maintaining the Marriage
• 11) He Avoids Spending Time With You
• 12) He Is Defensive About Everything
• 13) He Retreats To A Fantasy World
• 14) He Is Bored With Your Marriage
• 15) He Gets His Emotional Needs Met Elsewhere

What’s Next?

For a deep dive into this topic, we recommend the following resources:

You Can Be Right (Or You Can Be Married) by Dana Adam Shapiro.

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
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Five Simple Steps Marriage Course
Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini series you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.

Magic Relationship Words by Susie and Otto Collins