One of the dangers of complacency is how subtle it grows. It doesn’t happen overnight. It grows. It begins small and then takes over your marriage.

Experts in developmental psychology say adults go through transitions and cycles emotionally. This is how they break it down: Most adults experience 6-10 years of stability, with 2-3 years of ‘instability or transition.’ We often call this the ‘mid-life crisis.’

Robert Taibbi says:

Sometimes these transitional times start with some new curiosity, or thinking new ways, or coming to a sudden realization of what you don’t like or are finally fed up with.

These transitions can produce either positive or negative results. Depending on your fundamental beliefs and character.

If you take those emotions (curiosity, thinking in new ways, etc) and evoke your ingenuity, you can enhance your life. Perhaps this is where we get the adage, “Necessity is the mother of invention.”

It’s amazing what people can do when their back is against the wall. If you really need something, more times than not, you will come up with a way to get it (or do it).

Transition experiences are not all bad.

They become dangerous when they lead to apathy and passivity. When they suck the life out of you rather than inspire you to do great things.

This is the danger of complacency. It is demotivating.

So, what are the signs you relationship is headed toward complacency? We’ve listed the Top 10 signs of complacency in a marriage. Well, our top 10. I hope you can identify even more. After all, our marriages are worth identifying trouble spots.

Share in the comments below if you have other signs of complacency you recognize.

Here are our Top 10:

1. Bored and Restless

Lack of contentment in your marriage is a sign you need to shift your focus.

Many relationship experts see boredom as more detrimental to a relationship than arguing. Arguments happen because you are passionate about something. It can actually signal that the relationship is valuable to you and you will do whatever it takes to maintain it. Even argue.

Many relationship experts see boredom as more detrimental to a relationship than arguing. Arguments can actually signal that the relationship is valuable to you and you will do whatever it takes to maintain it. Even argue. Click To Tweet

Boredom and restlessness on the other hand indicate you no longer find the relationship interesting. You aren’t willing to fight for it.

Arguing (even fighting) is not always a bad thing. It can often signal your intense desire to make the marriage better.

Restlessness, however, causes you to struggle away from your relationship, instead of toward it.

2. Not Attentive to Your Spouse

Sam Margulies believes most marriages end because complacency leads one or both partners to stop paying attention to the other.

Husbands accuse wives of being preoccupied with children and trivial tasks, thus neglecting them.

Wives accuse husbands of not caring about how they feel, being preoccupied with work or hobbies, and disconnecting from deep intimate conversation.

Yet both desire real connection. Deep intimacy. Loving companionship. As Marguilies puts it:

‘Everyone wants a soulmate and is disappointed that their spouse ain’t it!’

(Source)

Truth is, they really are soulmates. They just stopped paying attention to each other and lost their connection.

Somewhere along the way, they both became distracted with the stuff of life. It crept in unnoticed. Continued quietly under the surface. And finally dislodged the union that was once sacred.

One more quote worth mentioning:

You have so much to do that it’s hard to pay attention to your spouse, to be sensitive when he or she needs some downtime, some solitude with the soulmate, a little smooching or TLC. But forget to pay attention often enough and forgetting begets forgotten.

(Source)

Ask any lonely person the definition of love and you will find buried in their words the idea of ‘attention.’

ALSO READ: Does Your Spouse Feel Valued?

3. Not Active in the Relationship

This is the next step after failing to pay attention. If ‘paying attention’ is the mental, emotional side of the coin, being active is the flip side.

When we stop engaging actively in our marriage, the snowball moving downhill picks up speed. Once it starts rolling it’s hard to reverse the course of action. Not impossible, but difficult.

Being active in the relationship means we not only care about our spouse – what they think, feel and do – we also do things together. Shared experiences help us bond.

4. Constant Criticism

Relationship researcher John Gottman calls criticism one of the four horsemen of a marriage apocalypse. One reason it is so deadly is ‘has the power to take peace from the relationship.’

It comes in many forms, but the essence is always an assault against your spouse. An assault because it doesn’t aim at issues that need to be resolved or solutions or solutions to problems. It targets the character of your mate.

When you criticize your partner, you are saying, ‘Your ideas, thoughts and opinions are less valuable than mine.’

Criticism is a cloak that masks a hunger for power. It is motivated by insecurity and disappointment. It is a rogue response to a legitimate problem. If left unattended it will grow into a habit and lifestyle of condemning your spouse.

Criticism is a cloak that masks a hunger for power. It is motivated by insecurity and disappointment. It is a rogue response to a legitimate problem. If left unattended it will grow into a habit and lifestyle of condemning your… Click To Tweet

ALSO READ: 7 Things That Destroy Emotional Safety in a Marriage

5. Disappointment

Disappointment has many faces. It manifests as anger, sadness, frustration. It is often in partnership with tears.

Disappointment happens when we lose hope that things will be better. The knowledge that, no matter how difficult things are at the present, they will get better keeps discontent at bay. It is the wall that keeps discouragement on the outside.

Once the wall is breached, hopelessness settles in. It suffocates. Squeezes the life right out you.
When we feel disappointed and lose hope that our marriage can and will be better, we usually stop trying to improve and make things better.

Hope always fuels the fire of change. Without it there is little motivation to engage or try to make the relationship better.

Disappointment becomes the couch we bury our hopes in. We end up in a marriage we regret.

When we feel disappointed and lose hope that our marriage can and will be better, we usually stop trying to improve and make things better. Click To Tweet

We all have unmet needs, unfulfilled desires and unsatisfied expectations. It’s part of life.

Our role as spouse is to eliminate as much of that as possible from our spouse. At a minimum we should not be part of the problem. Our relationship should be the ‘thing’ that gives us hope our future will be bright.

6. Settling for Status Quo

Comfort zones are…well…comfortable. It’s easy to settle into a place of familiarity. A place without challenge (for the most part). Where you know what to expect.

The problem with comfort zones is you were never designed to live there. It always leads to dissatisfaction.

Abraham Maslow is credited with say: ‘If you plan on being anything less than you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy all the days of your life.”

Well said. It is especially applicable to marriage.

Couples that continually try to improve their communication, strengthen their intimacy, and work on their relationship are those who are happier, healthier and more satisfied.

Couples that continually try to improve their communication, strengthen their intimacy, and work on their relationship are those who are happier, healthier and more satisfied. Click To Tweet

Let’s make a distinction…

When I talk about working to improve your relationship, I’m not talking trying harder. Trying harder sends the signal that it is not coming from the real you. Working on your marriage implies you want to become the person you really are.

It’s the subtle difference in change and transformation.

Change is attempting to become something you are not. The very nature of change is ‘becoming something different.’ Something different than you really are.

Transformation on the other hand is becoming what you really are. It is simply living out the real you. From the inside out.

Trying harder brings to my mind someone who is doing something that Is not natural for them. Something outside of their character.

Working on your marriage is not that. It is pulling together to live out the dream, desire and vision you have for your relationship. It is built on partnership. Not the solo actions of one partner.

It is the opposite of settling for status quo. Because it is motivated by something deep inside that pulls you toward a better marriage.

We settle for status quo we lose sight of that vision.

7. Loss of concern about physical appearance

It’s amazing what you can learn (correct that…discover) while scrolling Reddit and other forum based websites.

I recently ran across a post by a man who was complaining his wife had put on weight after the birth of their last child. He tried to make it clear he understood some weight gain is expected.

However, in his opinion his wife ‘let herself go.’ Their sex life was suffering. They fought regularly. You can imagine the rest. Their marriage was falling apart.

It had been several years following the birth of their child so he felt it was not acceptable.

You can imagine the responses he received. People have strong opinions about this issue.

What I found interesting (as a coach, counselor, and former pastor) surfaced as I continued to read.

He admitted that this ‘was not the only issue’ in their relationship. He was critical and often demeaning. He constantly ‘encouraged’ her to change her habits to get healthy. All done in a not-so-encouraging fashion.

The more I read, the more I thought about the age old question: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

It seemed the cycle perpetuated further decline.

I am not here to judge his motives or sincerity. Nor do I judge his wife for her physical response. I simply note that lack of concern over your physical appearance is a symptom; not the disease.

It is a clue of deeper, emotional issues in the relationship. It is a sign of complacency.

For whatever reason (I could take a very good educated guess), she was disconnecting from the marriage using the tool of ‘I don’t care about my appearance.’

In my opinion, this is one of the more sad forms of emotional disconnection.

8. Lack of sexual desire

Sex is normal in marriage. My wife often smiles and says, “Sex was one of God’s great ideas!” I agree.

Unlike most of pop culture, I don’t think sex is just a physical action. It is far more emotional and spiritual.

This is why physical intimacy is a pretty good barometer of the health of the marriage. Not always. But more times than not.

It is NOT a good measure of marriage satisfaction when there are health problems that contribute to a lack of desire. Under most other circumstances, a good sex life indicates a good marriage.

For this reason it is good to pay attention to physical intimacy in your marriage. It can indicate when things are ‘off’ emotionally, or there are other problems that should be addressed.

Why Is Sex A Barometer?

We are spiritual creatures. I don’t buy into societies idea that we are merely ‘human animals’ with biological appetites that must be fulfilled. Not by a long shot. We are created in the image of God and have needs, desires and purpose.

Because of our complex psychological makeup, life is not so cut and dry as ‘have a need so fulfill that need.’ Some things we call needs are nothing more than distractions from a higher purpose.

Since we are spirit, soul and body – with emotions, intellect and heart – physical things are often connected to the spiritual.

I believe sex falls into this category. Sexual appetites are a combination of hormones, pheromones, biology and physiology. All bound up in a spiritual being. We are incredibly complex, yet wonderfully integrated.

That means, sex is NOT JUST about physical appetite. It is intimately connected to our emotional state.

When we feel emotionally connected to our spouse, it is natural to desire physical intimacy to mirror that connection. Likewise, when we feel disconnected (I’m talking about long-term disconnect, not periodic glitches in our relationship) it is natural to withdraw from the physical.

Sex is not just about physical appetite. It is intimately connected to our emotional state. When we feel emotionally connected to our spouse, it is natural to desire physical intimacy to mirror that connection. Click To Tweet

It’s hard to dissect the physical from the emotional. This is why sex is a good measure of where you are in your marriage.

Note: While there are many reasons for a decline in sexual desire (medical, emotional, psychological, biological) it is something that needs to be discussed. Ignoring it as a possible symptom complacency is dangerous.

Having a conversation about sex could prevent a deeper issue in the future.

ALSO READ: 9 Reasons Sex Is Important In Marriage

9. No desire to talk things through

When issues come up, healthy couples to want to talk it through. It’s a natural response to preserve intimacy. Loss of that desire could signal apathy about the relationship.

My wife and I have a philosophy: No matter what the issue, as long as we are talking (even if it’s intense), we stay engaged. The minute we stop talking is the minute marriage takes a step backwards.

That doesn’t mean you can’t take a breather and table a topic for future discussion. It simply means communication must happen. Even when you disagree. Especially when you disagree.

Couples that keep talking eventually win.

Couples that keep talking…that keep communicating, eventually win. Click To Tweet

One of the things I pay attention to when dealing with couples with marriage conflict is ‘are they talking?’ Sometimes things get a little heated but it’s okay. The heat can be a reflection of their desire to resolve the issue.

If it didn’t matter, they wouldn’t argue. I am not advocating picking a fight to prove your love. On the contrary, prolonged arguments erode intimacy.

My point is that as long as we care enough to engage with our spouse, there is hope. When you no longer care to engage (whether that be talking, arguing, or disagreeing), complacency will rule your relationship.

I’ll say it again: Couples that keep communicating eventually win.

10. Fantasy Rules Your Life

Fantasy rules when you find yourself ‘day-dreaming’ about how life could be different if…[fill in the blank].

Life would be different if my wife would do this in bed (like they do in the porn films)…

Life would be different if my husband would give me the attention that my co-worker does at the office.

Life would be different if…

Fantasy is not reality. Fantasy only works in your mind. It can never achieve true intimacy. It will never satisfy because it is by it’s very nature, disconnected from reality.

If couples would spend their energy creating ways to connect with their spouse instead of feeding their fantasies, they would register more satisfaction on the marriage scorecard.

Fantasy will never satisfy because it is by it’s very nature, disconnected from reality. Click To Tweet

Why is Fantasy So Appealing?

In a word…safety. It’s safe living a bubble you control.

Fantasy is really about creating a world where you get what you want, rather than a world designed where you contribute to others. It’s a world built around self-centered fulfillment.

Fantasy is really about creating a world where you get what you want, rather than a world designed where you contribute to others. It’s a world built around self-centered fulfillment. Click To Tweet

It’s a world you control. You decide when and how your emotional needs are met. You don’t have to learn how to get along with others, give and take in relationships, or be vulnerable and transparent with your life.

Reminds me of the words of C.S. Lewis: “To really love is to be vulnerable.”

You can stay hidden.

It’s the opposite of what relationship implies.

Relationships demand we include someone else in our world. Someone with needs of their own. Someone we learn to serve and help.

Fantasy creates a world where only you matter. Relationships imply others matter.

Relationships demand we include someone else in our world. Someone with needs of their own. Someone we learn to serve and help.Fantasy creates a world where only you matter. Relationships imply others matter. Click To Tweet

Fantasy keeps things neat and tidy. Marriage, on the other hand, can be messy and challenging.

Fantasy is the ultimate disconnect. It says (in essence), “The world I can create on my own, is better than the world I have with you.” This is one of the dangers of pornography. It is a false world of make-believe. A world of your own choosing. Yet a world that never satisfies because it pushes out real love.

Real love says, ‘I want YOU in my world. Regardless of how messy it might be. I’d rather have a world with you in it, than a world I can create by make-believe.”

Real love says, ‘I want YOU in my world. Regardless of how messy it might be. I’d rather have a world with you in it, than a world I can create by make-believe.” Click To Tweet

Wrapping It UP

These signs help identify potential problems and measure your marriage in terms of complacency. It’s good to remember, the opposite of complacency is genuine concern and care for your partner. In a word, connection.

Complacency disconnects us from our spouse. It is being satisfied for all the wrong reasons and in all the wrong circumstances.

The opposite of complacency is dissatisfaction – for all the right reasons.

’ll close with this observation from Dr. Lisa Firestone:

“Couples should strive for love with all the trimmings… Couples who’ve been together a long time and wish to get back their romantic edge should know it is an attainable goal that, like most good things in life, requires energy and devotion.”

Summary

The Top 10 signs of complacency in relationships:

• 1. Bored and Restless
• 2. Not Attentive to Your Spouse
• 3. Not Active in the Relationship
• 4. Constant Criticism
• 5. Disappointment
• 6. Settling for Status Quo
  • Let’s make a distinction…
• 7. Loss of concern about physical appearance
• 8. Lack of sexual desire
  • Why Is Sex A Barometer?
• 9. No desire to talk things through
• 10. Fantasy Rules Your Life
  • Why is Fantasy So Appealing?

What’s Next?

Check out these resources to grow deeper and build intimacy in your marriage.

1000 Questions for Couples Psychologist Arthur Aron caused two people who didn’t know each other fall in love by having them ask and answer 36 questions.

The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.

If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.

Magic Relationship Wordsby Susie and Otto Collins

The Devotion SystemThis free video will show you why men pull away and what you can do to enhance your relationship.