There are practical ways you can navigate a sexless marriage from a Christian perspective. It all revolves around the issue of trust and open communication. In this article, we offer practical steps to get your partner to re-engage in intimacy.

I recently watched a video of Jordan Peterson talking about men living in sexless marriages, and men lacking sexual intimacy in their marriage.

He brought out a few important details that are often overlooked, or not discussed. 

This article (in part) is based on a few of those observations. I’ve embedded the video (further down in the article) so you can watch Peterson discuss these issues.

Having a fulling sex life is a vital part of marriage. Marriages can survive without it, but it is difficult. Marital unity – for the most part – requires physical intimacy.

Reviving Intimacy: Overcoming Sexless Marriage

Sometimes couples find themselves in a situation where they have no intimacy, and this can lead to a lot of negative feelings and even the breakdown of the relationship. The most important thing to remember is that it’s not impossible to fix this.

It requires communication, understanding, and compromise from both parties. Talking about what is going on and how each person is feeling is the first step in understanding what needs to change. It’s important to remember that a sexless marriage is a common issue and that it’s okay to seek help if needed.

Remember, communication is key, and if you want to revive intimacy in your relationship, you need to be willing to listen and make changes together. It’s never too late to start working on your relationship.

Despite the stigma surrounding sexless marriages, it is a common issue that many couples face. While there are various reasons why couples experience a lack of intimacy, communication is often the root cause.

Many individuals avoid discussing their sexual needs and desires with their partner, which can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.

In this article, we will explore the causes of sexless marriages, the qualities to look for in a partner, and practical tips to revive intimacy in a relationship.

Causes and Communication

According to Peterson, the lack of intimacy in a sexless marriage can be attributed to a failure in communication. Couples avoid discussing their sexual needs and wants due to fear of vulnerability and rejection.

This avoidance leads to a difficult negotiation process that necessitates trust and compromise. In a sense, this negotiation can be compared to a delicate dance between two partners.

Overcoming fear is key in reviving intimacy. Couples should start by discussing their desires and needs in a safe and non-judgmental space.

They should also learn to listen actively to their partner’s desires and negotiate a mutually beneficial outcome. This process requires patience, trust, and a willingness to compromise.

By negotiating their desires and overcoming fear, couples can begin to revive intimacy and strengthen their relationship.

Here is Jordan Peterson on the subject of sexless marriages.

Understanding Needs and Expectations

When I was a pastor, I often met with couples to do premarital counseling. I always allowed them to bring up issues they were concerned about (or things they felt needed to be addressed). I also made sure we covered what I called ‘The Big 3!’

• Sex 
• Commuication
• Money

These are certainly not the only major issues that impact a marriage, but they are three of the biggest.

When discussing sex, I made it a point to have the couple discuss their expectations. I approached it many different ways, but my goal was always to get them to tell each other what they needed, wanted, and expected from each other sexually.

Sometimes (generally the most effective approach I found), I would have the couples write on a piece of paper how often they wanted to make love when they were married. This simple question is blunt and straight to the point. It’s a question every man wants answered, and every woman needs answered.

As Peterson mentions, this is often the biggest obstacle to a fulfilling sex life; couples do not share their true desires. 

By sharing our needs, we make ourselves vulnerable, which in turn builds trust. Let’s face it, we trust people who open their heart to us. It’s difficult to trust people who are closed. It’s human nature to withdraw emotionally from closed relaitonships.

In marriage, this can create a horrific snowball affect; one partner closes up causing the other partner to withdraw, which in turn causes the first partner to retreat emotionally even more. Can you see how this negative movement leads to more and more isolation and loneliness?

That’s why it’s vital to establish trust. Trust leads to a deeper level of intimacy and a more fulfilling relationship overall.

By prioritizing these things, married couples can work towards reviving intimacy in a previously sexless marriage.

How To Restore And Heal A Sexless Marriage

The big quesion remains, how do we talk about this with our spouse? Especially when tension surrounds the issue.

How does a man discuss his physical needs with his wife so she doesn’t get defensive?

The answer has two parts:

Part 1: The Acceptance

In order for any conversation (much more one about intimacy) to succeed, there has to be a common ground of mutual trust, respect, and concern for your partner. If this is missing, no amount of talking will bridge the gap.

Many couples think they can talk their way into unity. Only to realize the more they talk, the more distance they create. 

The reason is connection is built on trust. If you do not trust your partner has your best interest at heart, you will not open your heart to them. Trust is the key.

The question is: Do you know your partner has your best interest at heart? Do you trust they will respond wtih genuine love and care about your needs?

This is the first prerequisit for a meaningful conversation.

Part 2: The Approach

Once trust is established, then you can approach the conversation.

When it comes to discussing physical needs with your spouse, it’s important to approach the conversation with sensitivity and respect.

Start by expressing your feelings and sexual desires in a non-judgmental way, and be sure to listen to your partner’s perspective as well. Avoid blaming or accusing language, and focus on finding solutions that work for both of you.

It’s also important to remember that communication is a two-way street, so be open to feedback and willing to compromise. With patience and understanding, you can have a productive conversation about your physical needs without causing defensiveness.

Prioritizing effective communication and negotiation in a romantic relationship can greatly enhance the quality of intimacy and lead to a more fulfilling partnership.

It is important for partners to discuss their sexual needs and wants, as well as their ideal scenarios for intimacy. As mentioned, this requires trust, vulnerability, and give and take in marriage.

It is also important to realize that improvement takes practice and making mistakes is a natural part of the process. If a couple is struggling to improve their intimacy, seeking professional help can be beneficial.

This can include seeing a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual issues, or attending workshops or classes on intimacy and communication.

4 Tips On How To Approach The Subject

Chris Kraft, director of sex and gender clinic at John Hopkins offers four practical tips to help start a conversation. I’ve modified them slightly.

1. Space

Pick the right place to have a deep conversation. The last thing you want to do is approach a sensitive issue with TV’s blasting in the background.

2. Timing

Don’t try to bring up the issue when things are tense. It will only make it worse. Approach the issue when you both have time to get prespective.

3. Own It

Good communication avoids blame. Own how you feel, what you desire, and why it matters. Refuse to hold your spouse hostage to negative emotions.

4. Be Proactive

Don’t just talk about what you want, create the right atmosphere for it. This may mean scheduling a date night, giving gifts or flowers, writing a romantic card. The list is endless.

The point is to act in a proactive way to engage your spouse in a positive way.

With effort and dedication, a couple can revive their intimacy and strengthen their relationship.

Also Read: 9 Reasons Sex Is Important In Marriage

Frequently Asked Questions

How do external factors, such as stress or illness, contribute to a sexless marriage?

External factors such as stress, illness, medication, and hormonal changes can contribute to a sexless marriage. Seeking professional help to address these issues is important to improve intimacy and maintain a healthy relationship.

What are some common misconceptions about discussing sexual needs and wants with a partner?

Misconceptions about discussing sexual needs and wants with a partner are common. A survey showed that only 44% of couples talk openly about sex. Establishing boundaries and building trust can create a safe space for honest communication.

How can past traumas or experiences affect a person’s ability to improve intimacy in their relationship?

Past traumas or experiences can create emotional triggers that hinder a person’s ability to improve intimacy in their relationship. Therapy benefits individuals by providing a safe space to process and heal from these traumas, leading to healthier communication and intimacy.

Can a lack of physical attraction be overcome in a sexless marriage?

Overcoming physical barriers in a sexless marriage requires effective communication techniques. Discussing ideal scenarios with partners and negotiating trust is necessary. With practice and patience, lack of physical attraction can be overcome and intimacy can be revived.

How can cultural or religious beliefs impact a couple’s approach to intimacy and communication?

Cultural sensitivity and communication barriers can significantly impact a couple’s approach to intimacy. Religious beliefs may restrict certain practices and discussions, while cultural norms may affect openness and vulnerability.

Overcoming these barriers requires trust, empathy, and mutual understanding.

Where To Find Help

We have resources to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve:

Connecting and Communicating

1000 Questions For Couples is designed to help you connect on a deeper level to create intimacy and trust in your relationship.

Relationship Rewrite will help you regain and rediscover the magic and love you once shared.

Physical Intimacy

Respark the Romance helps couples capture passion in their marriage.

Why Men Pull Away addresses the issue of why men tend to withdraw and how to effectively get them to reengage.

Secret Survey is based on the research of Michael Fiore after surveying thousands of men. It is enlightening. Designed for women.

Our Courses and Quiz

We have courses available that will help you grow your marriage relationship and create the marriage you desire and deserve. Visit our course library here.

You can also take our Marriage Quiz to get your marriage score and find practical ways to increase communication, intimacy, and trust in your relationship.

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