Self Esteem And Relationships: Building Self-Esteem To Your Marriage

Is there a connection between self esteem and relationships? Science says yes. Discover the key to building self esteem in your marriage with these principles.

Relationships are built over time. They require mutual respect and understanding, and couples with high self-esteem can enjoy spending time apart while maintaining healthy boundaries. This article explains how to build self-esteem and improve relationships.

What Is Self Esteem?

Self-esteem is something that we all want. We want it because we feel good about ourselves. But what does self-esteem mean exactly? What are some different types of self-esteem? And how do you improve it? 

Let’s begin by stating what we mean by self esteem. A good place to start is by stating clearly what we do not mean.

What Self Esteem Isn’t

Self esteem is not self image. What you see in the mirror is not necessarily how others perceive you. Self esteem is about what you think about yourself. It is the confidence you have in your own abilities. It is the belief that you are worthy of respect and admiration.

You Are Not What You Do

We all know how it feels to fail. You try to do everything right but something goes wrong. Maybe you didn’t prepare enough, maybe you weren’t ready, maybe you just plain sucked. Whatever the reason, there are times when we feel like crap. And even though we might try our best, sometimes things still don’t go well.

But what happens when we do succeed? Do we feel good about ourselves? Or does success make us feel awesome? I think most of us would say “awesome.” After all, being successful makes us feel great. Think about it. If you did nothing else today, you’ve already succeeded. You got up out of bed, put on clothes, walked outside, drove somewhere, bought something, talked to someone, ate food, drank water…you accomplished something. Even if you had no idea what you were going to accomplish, you still achieved something. So why wouldn’t success make us feel awesome too?

The problem is that when we fail, we tend to focus on the negative aspects of our performance. We beat ourselves up over mistakes we made, and we blame ourselves for situations beyond our control. This leads to low self-esteem, because we start believing that we suck at life.

And while it’s true that we all fail, there are ways to separate your performance from your self-esteem. Here are three tips to help you do just that.

Failure Is A Part Of Life And Growing

When we fail, we feel awful. But when we succeed – especially when we succeed big – we feel amazing. Why? Because we remember that everyone fails. Everyone. Every single person you meet, every single day, every single week, every single month, every single year. There isn’t one person on earth who hasn’t failed at some point in his or her life. And guess what? They probably won’t tell you about it. Most people don’t talk about their failures. In fact, many people don’t even realize they’ve failed.

So when you fail, don’t dwell on it. Instead, look at it as a learning experience. A chance to improve yourself. To grow. To become better.

The Impact Of Low Self Esteem In Relationships

We know we feel better when we have a positive self-esteem. Yet, sometimes we fail to take into account the impact of poor self-esteem. Relationship satisfaction is directly linked to a healthy self-esttem.

A paper by Ruth Yasemin Erol (Ph.D.) and Ulrich Orth (Ph.D.) from the Institute of Psychology at the University of Bern shows that self esteem has a two fold affect. It is a predictor of marriage satisfaction, and it is the result of a healthy relationship.

On the one hand, the hypothesis that relationship satisfaction influences self-esteem has intuitive appeal, given that relationships—in particular, attachment relationships—are assumed to be an important source of self-esteem (Swann & Bosson, 2010). On the other hand, the available longitudinal evidence, as reviewed above, supports the reverse direction of effects, that is, that selfesteem is a predictor of relationship satisfaction rather than vice versa (Fincham & Bradbury, 1993; Orth et al., 2012).

Low self-confidence makes people feel like they are less competent and worthy than others around them. This lack of confidence can lead to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

1. A Change In Chemical Balance

When we experience negative thoughts about ourselves, our brains release chemicals like dopamine and serotonin into our bodies. These chemicals make us feel good, but they can also alter how we interact with others.

2. Withdrawal and Isolation

When we feel insecure, we tend to withdraw socially, which leads to loneliness and isolation. We might avoid social situations because we fear being judged negatively by others. In addition, we might be reluctant to ask someone out on a date because we worry that we won’t measure up to their expectations.

3. Lack of Confidence

Confident individuals tend to engage with others more frequently and confidently. They are able to express their opinions without worrying what others think. They are also more likely to seek advice from friends and family members. Furthermore, confident people are more comfortable asking for what they want and expressing their needs.

Boosting your confidence will help improve your romantic relationships. If you find yourself feeling anxious or nervous during dates, try talking to your partner about your fears. You could say something like, “I’m worried I’ll say or do something embarrassing.” Or, “I’m afraid I won’t know what to talk about.” By sharing your concerns, you’re showing your loved one that you care about him or her.

4. A Flawed View Of Your Partner

Low self-esteem can make it difficult to maintain healthy romantic relationships because it causes us to think of our partners in overly simplistic terms.

For example, someone with low self-esteem may assume that their partner is always cheating on them, even though there could be many reasons why his or her behavior seems suspicious.

Someone with low self-esteem might believe that he or she isn’t attractive enough, even though everyone else finds him or her beautiful. And someone with low self- esteem might assume that he or she doesn’t deserve love, when in reality, he or she does.

Insecure people often find themselves thinking of their partners as either “all good” or “all bad.” They may even believe that their partners are having affairs behind their backs.

5. Increase In Anxiety and Fear

Insecure individuals may also assume that their partners are judging them negatively. These assumptions lead to feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, which can affect how they behave towards their partners.

When we feel insecure, we become anxious and fearful. We start to worry about what others think of us, and we begin to second guess everything we do and say. As a result, we end up feeling inadequate and unloved.

How To Increase Self Esteem On Step At A Time

Self-esteem is an important part in our lives. We all have ups and down in life. Don’t let them affect your self-esteem. You are what you eat, sleep, think, do, say, wear, how much money you make, etc. Learn from your mistakes and celebrate your successes.

1. Confront Negativity And Change It

Negative self-beliefs are often unconscious thoughts we don’t even realize we’re holding onto. They cause us stress and keep us stuck in our current situation. If you want to improve your life, it’s crucial to identify these beliefs and challenge them. This will allow you to move forward and live a happier, healthier life.

In my previous article, I shared how I identified my negative beliefs about myself and challenged them. In this video, I’ll show you exactly how to do the same thing.

Let me know in the comments down below if you’ve ever struggled with identifying and challenging your negative beliefs.

2. Understand The Power Of Appreciation

Appreciating someone else doesn’t mean saying “thank you.” In fact, it goes beyond just thanking someone for something.

In his book “The Power Of Appreciation,” author Robert Dilts says appreciating someone means showing gratitude and appreciation. When we appreciate another person, he explains, we make them feel important, valued, and respected. We show them that we care about them.

This simple act of expressing appreciation toward another human being is an act of kindness, and it can go far. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that expressing appreciation increases feelings of self-worth in both the giver and receiver.

So why don’t we do it enough? Why are we so busy doing everything except showing our appreciation? Because we’re afraid of what might happen if we express our appreciation. If we say thank you, we might hurt someone’s feelings. And if we tell someone how much we appreciate them, we might sound like a pushy salesperson.

But there’s no reason to worry. Dilts says expressing appreciation isn’t manipulative; it’s actually a way to help someone feel better about themselves.

And here’s the best part: You don’t even have to wait for someone to ask you to express your appreciation. Just start giving thanks every day.

3. Compliment Others With Sincerity

Giving compliments actually increases our sense of well-being. We feel better when we acknowledge good things in other people.

But there is a downside to complimenting others. If it is not done out of sincerity, it can come across wrong. It can make the other person feel manipulated. This is why it must be genuine.

Complimenting others is wrong when we do it to impress others. We want to show off our knowledge, skills, and abilities. But compliments aren’t always appreciated. They can come across as insincere.

Some people are simply too shy to give out compliments. So how do you know when it’s appropriate to tell someone he looks great? Here are three ways to practice giving compliments without coming off like a jerk.

1) Know What You Want From Them

Before you start complimenting someone, ask yourself why you want to do it. Is it because you think she’ll appreciate it? Or is it because you want to build rapport? If you don’t really care whether she likes it or not, then you probably shouldn’t bother. On the flip side, if you genuinely want her to enjoy hearing compliments, then go ahead and offer one.

2) Look For Common Ground

If you’re looking to compliment someone, find something you both agree on. This could be anything from a shared hobby to a mutual friend. If you’re talking to a guy who loves sports, maybe you can talk about his favorite team. Or if you’re chatting up a girl who loves fashion, you might discuss her latest outfit. By finding common ground, you’re showing that you respect each other’s opinions.

3) Be Specific

When you compliment someone, be specific. Instead of saying, “You look nice today,” try saying, “Your shirt matches your eyes.” Or, “I love those shoes!” People tend to appreciate being told exactly what they did well.

4. Take Care Of Yourself Physically

Your physical health is just as important as your mental health. In fact, the two are intricately connected. How we feel emotionally is tied to how we feel physically.

If you’re feeling tired, stressed or anxious, it could be because you aren’t taking care of yourself properly. Here are some ways to improve your physical health:

Make sure that you take regular exercises. Even if you don’t feel up to it, do something active. You might want to start slowly – maybe walking around the block once a week or doing gentle stretches during your lunch break. But keep moving forward – gradually increasing how often you exercise, how long you spend exercising and how hard you push yourself.

Eat healthily. Try to eat five portions of fruits and vegetables every day. This includes eating plenty of whole grains, pulses, nuts and seeds. These foods provide lots of vitamins and minerals without too much fat or sugar. They’ll help you maintain a healthy weight and give you energy throughout the day.

Try to get seven hours of uninterrupted sleep each day. When you’re well rested, you’ll be able to concentrate better and make healthier decisions. Plus, studies show that people who sleep less than six hours per night have increased risk of depression and anxiety. Aim to go to bed earlier and wake up later.

If you smoke, stop now. Smoking increases your chances of developing heart disease, cancer, stroke and respiratory problems. And quitting smoking reduces the chance of having a heart attack or dying early.

Don’t drink alcohol. Too many drinks increase your risk of liver damage, headaches, vomiting, diarrhoea, stomach cramps, dehydration and memory loss. Drink no more than one unit of alcohol daily – about half a pint of beer, glass of wine or shot of spirits.

Get enough rest. Sleep deprivation makes you more likely to overeat, overspend and become irritable. So aim to get at least eight hours’ sleep each night.

5. It’s Okay To Say No

Assertiveness is one of those qualities that many people think they don’t possess. But it’s actually something we can learn to develop. If you’re feeling like you lack assertiveness skills, here are some tips to help you become more assertive.

1. Know what makes you feel good about yourself.

What do you value most in life? Do you believe you deserve to live a happy life? Are you proud of your accomplishments? These things make us feel good about ourselves. When we feel good about ourselves, we’re more likely to take action.

2. Be honest with others.

You’ll never gain their respect if you lie to them. And lying isn’t just a sign of being dishonest; it’s also a way to control situations and keep people off balance. So be honest with others. Tell them what you really want. Don’t let anyone walk over you because you aren’t willing to stand up for yourself.

3. Take responsibility for your actions.

We’ve all done things that weren’t our best efforts. But if we blame someone else for our mistakes, we won’t ever grow. Instead, accept full responsibility for our behavior. This will free you to move forward and improve.

4. Stand up for yourself.

Sometimes, we need to speak out against injustice. We might even need to tell someone how we feel. But sometimes, standing up for ourselves could mean getting hurt. So be careful about speaking up. Speak softly and listen carefully.

5. Ask for what you want.

Many times, we don’t ask for what we want because we feel insecure. But asking for what you want will make you feel better about yourself. Plus, it gives you power over your situation.

6. Use Positive Self Talk

Negative self talk is similar to a tape over your head repeating negative thoughts. You know it’s there, but you can’t seem to turn it off. If you notice yourself saying something negative about yourself or others, stop and ask yourself what you want to say instead. Then, think about how you feel when you say it out loud. Do you feel better? Does it make you feel good inside? If yes, keep doing it. If no, try again.

Positive self talk boosts your self-esteem. Think about things you are proud of. What do you like about yourself? How does it make you feel? Is it true? If it isn’t, why don’t you change it? Start thinking positively about yourself and you’ll start feeling positive too.

You may also want to read, The Power Of The Subconscious Mind In Marriage

7. Give Yourself a Break

How you feel about yourself can change a lot depending on who you’re around and what’s going on. Some people always feel good about themselves, while others might feel bad about themselves most of the time. If you’re feeling bad about yourself, it’s important to remember that there are things you can do to make yourself feel better and more confident.

Don’t Beat Yourself Up Over Mistakes

If you make a mistake, don’t dwell on it. Instead, learn from the experience and move forward. You’ll feel better about yourself once you’ve learned something new.

Treat Yourself After a Tough Day

After a hard day at work or school, treat yourself to a relaxing activity like taking a bubble bath or reading a book. This small act will help you relax and recharge.

Great Books and Resources To Increase Your Self Esteem

Perfectionism is human nature. We strive for perfection in everything we do. And sometimes it feels like our efforts don’t pay off. But there’s a difference between striving for excellence and being obsessed with it.

We all want to look good and feel confident. But what happens when we compare ourselves to someone else—and when we start comparing ourselves to others way too often? This type of comparison leads us down the path toward perfectionism.

If you struggle with self esteem, here are some essential reads to help you understand why you think the way you do, and learn strategies to overcome it.

Three resources you should consider: (Click Images To Check Amazon For Prices)

One final note on resources: Mike Brescia has created an excellent audio affirmation program to help you build self esteem. His approach is unique, but not new. He uses affirmations set to music. I highly recommend his program on self-esteem. I have it and use it. You can find a list of his programs at >>> Think Right Now.

Final Thoughts

Self esteem has a direct impact on the quality of our relationships. It has a tremendous effect on the quality of our marriage. 

For this reason, it is important to improve your self image and self esteem. In this article, we presented reasons low self esteem hurts your marriage, along with practical steps to improve your self esteem.

Summary

• What Is Self Esteem?
• What Self Esteem Isn’t
  • You Are Not What You Do
  • Failure Is A Part Of Life And Growing
• The Impact Of Low Self Esteem In Relationships
  • 1. A Change In Chemical Balance
  • 2. Withdrawal and Isolation
  • 3. Lack of Confidence
  • 4. A Flawed View Of Your Partner
  • 5. Increase In Anxiety and Fear
• How To Increase Self Esteem On Step At A Time
  • 1. Confront Negativity And Change It
  • 2. Understand The Power Of Appreciation
  • 3. Compliment Others With Sincerity
  • 4. Take Care Of Yourself Physically
  • 5. It’s Okay To Say No
  • 6. Use Positive Self Talk
  • 7. Give Yourself a Break

What’s Next?

Where To Find Help