What Is Driving Your Relationship Decisions? 3 Marriage Motives Every Couple Should Know

There are three main motives that drive relationship decisions. Knowing these can mean the difference in success and failure in marriage.

Article At A Glance

1. Ethical Frameworks and Decision-Making: The article explains three frameworks—deontology (rule-based), teleology (goal-oriented), and areteology (virtue-focused)—that guide our everyday ethical decisions.
2. Impact on Marriage: These frameworks significantly influence how spouses treat each other, shaping actions from maintaining commitments to shared goal setting.
3. Framework Limitations: Each framework has drawbacks: deontology can be rigid, teleology may lead to conflicting goals, and areteology requires deep personal integrity.
4. Advocacy for Virtue Ethics: The article positions areteology as the most effective approach in relationships, emphasizing actions that are consistent with one’s character and values.

Here are three words that are interesting. In a strange way, they all relate to marriage success.

Deontology, Teleology, or Areteology

These three terms aren’t ones you hear on a daily basis. Unless you are a philosopher, theologian, or outright nerd.

Yet, they are ones we adhere to frequently. We use them (not the actual words, but what they mean) every day.

Let me break it down:

They all have to do with how we make decisions. Specifically ethical decisions.

They represent the driving forces we use on a daily basis to determine how we treat people, how we respond to moral challenges, and what we do when confronted with tough choices.

• Deontology describes a decision making process based on following certain rules.
• Teleology describes how we make decisions based on goals
• Areteology (a word I coined), better known as virtue ethics is decision making based on character, values and integrity. (combines “arete,” which signifies virtue and excellence in Greek, with “-ology,” indicating a field of study)

Believe it or not, this applies to marriage.

Each of us has a ‘moral compass’ that guides our decision making process. It determines how we treat people. This is most obvious in how we treat our spouse.

The question is, what drives these choices. I’ll drop the nerd-words and use common terms to keep it simple: Duty, Goals, and Virtue

Deontology or Duty

Let’s start with Duty.

If we are deontology driven, we are motivated by rules, obligations, and duty. We see this a lot in Stoic writers. They say there is something noble about keeping our duty to serve others.

While I agree there is something noble in this idea, it can fall short. For one, the ‘rules’ for marriage are not spelled out anywhere. Sure, we know the basics of the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. But is this enough?

The second problem with this motivator is it can become legalistic and lose it’s heart.

Make decisions that reflect who you are, not just the rules you follow Share on X

Case in point, I’ve met men who have a standard date night with their spouse, bring them flowers every weekend, and provide well for their family (being present as a dad), yet they have been involved in long term affairs. Their obligations are met (at least on a surface view) but their heart is betraying their spouse.

Teleology or Goals

What about Goals?

Goals are good, but do they deliver the intended result? Not always.

What happens when goals compete with those of your spouse? Who wins? Because goals can put you in a ‘me vs you’ position.

Another weakness with making decisions (especially ethical and moral ones) is our goals can change over time. What happens then? Do our morals shift as well?

It can easily become a decision of convenience, rather than one of character.

I am a big proponent of having goals as a couple. They should be things you both agree on, and evaluated on a regular basis. Goals are best used as tools to help you accomplish your dreams and purpose as a couple. They are not ‘THE’ purpose. Only means to an end.

Which brings me to the final motivator: Virtue Driven Ethics

Areteology or Virtue

If duty can become legalistic and cold, and goals can change and shift, virtue is the one that taps into the inner heart and is driven by character and integrity.

Integrity is a great word because it means we are fully integrated (unified internally) in all aspects of our life. This is where character comes from. This is where our values are found.

Virtue is that inner way of thinking about right and wrong that focuses on what kind of person to be, rather than just what actions to take. It suggests that developing good qualities, or virtues, will lead a person to make good decisions and live a fulfilling life.

If I am driven by virtue in my marriage, I want to do right because it is who I am, not a checklist I have to manage, or a goal I want to reach. It is the goal.

Character is not built by what we aim to achieve, but by who we strive to become. Share on X

My character matters more than the action. I do things because of who I am, not for a reward.

What This Looks Like In Real Life

To keep this practical, let’s apply it to a few specific examples.

Date Night With Your Spouse

If I am driven by duty, I keep date night because it is on the calendar. I’m committed to follow through because it is the rule.

There is a small amount of virtue in this. It IS important to keep our promises. No one would argue against this.

But if we are being honest, it falls short because the duty can be done with little or no passion, desire, or heart.

I’ve discovered that this duty driven ethic has caused more problems in marriage than it solves.

On the other hand, if I am driven by my goals, it too can just be an item on my list. Devoid of passion and desire.

It can also turn to a more sinister (too strong of a word for sure) motive. I can be motivated to ‘get lucky’ or manipulate the situation to achieve a different agenda other than connecting with my spouse.

In other words, I can have a goal that is beyond the desire to create a better marriage. It’s possible to have conflicting goals that actually cancel each other.

This happens frequently in marriages.

Compare these two with virtue driven motives.

If I want to have a date night with my spouse because it is a value I hold, I move to a higher motivation. It is based on a genuine desire to connect and bond with my spouse.

Yes, I keep my promise to be consistent in having a date night. But my desire comes from a different place. It is not merely duty. It is desire.

Now, let’s look at another example.

Physical Intimacy

There is a sense that physical intimacy is a duty (See the Biblical reference 1 Corinthians 7:5). But if this is the only motive, it is lifeless, passionless, and unfulfilling.

If intimacy is driven by a goal, it too can be void of passion.

I had a gentleman recently indicate his wife wanted to get pregnant so she wanted to have sex during her ovulation window. Outside of ‘the window’ (as he put it), she didn’t seem interested at all.

Add to this, goals can often conflict with one another. As mentioned above, it can become manipulative and coercive; even self-serving.

By contrast, if virtue (character, values, integrity) is at the core, the motive for physical intimacy is desire (to serve and bless our spouse), connecting (to feel bonded and united), and love. It is not stripped of passion. In fact, it breeds passion.

Virtue driven decisions incorporate duty and goals, but it goes much deeper. It touches the heart of the issue because it is the issue of the heart.

Virtue flows from our deepest values. It rests upon the character of who we are. And it integrates every area of our life to make us unified in our decisions, values, and choices. It determines the ultimate direction of our life.

I hope you can see how this can be applied to every area of your life (and marriage).

Virtue is that inner way of thinking about right and wrong that focuses on what kind of person to be, rather than just what actions to take Share on X

Bottom Line

We are all driven by some standard. It may simply be a sense of duty, or a common goal. While these are good, they are limited. They do not address the real issue, which is our heart.

Virtue ethics (Areteology) is different. Our decisions, choices, and life direction flow out of our heart. We do things because they are right, not just convenient.

These issues are not just philosophical ones; they touch us at the most vulnerable point in life – our relationships. Marriage in particular.

How we treat our spouse, approach our relationship, and what we believe about marriage itself is determined by what motivates our decisions; duty, goals, or virtue.

Which one defines your life and marriage?

Here’s what you should do next…

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