Improve your marriage! How to create real romance in your marriage.
Is your partner not responding emotionally to you? Are you tired of the same old story?
In this article we present proven techniques that will teach you how to create real romance in your marriage.
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My wife and I have a few traditions we enjoy. One is a Valentine’s tradition we’ve held since we were married. We watch ‘The Notebook.’
Yep. I’m a sap. Every year we sit in front of the television and rewatch this classic love story.
What can I say, I’m a romantic at heart.
Sure. I’ve been teased by my friends. Who cares. They are actually envious. At least, that’s what I tell myself.
Seriously, I do get questions often about romance. Men want to know how to be more romantic. Women want their husbands to be more romantic. All in all, I believe we crave the kind of intimacy we label as romance.
What Is Real Romance?
The best way to answer this is to first pull the curtain back and talk about what romance isn’t.
Real Romance Is Not…
We have a lot of misinformed ideas about romance. Hopefully this will help clarify the essence of true romance.
1) Romance Is Not All About Sex
Sure. Physical intimacy is important in a marriage. We wrote about that here.
But there is more to romance than sex. Think about it. Prostitutes have sex, but I certainly wouldn’t put that in the category of romance.
Romance is more about full (total) intimacy than just physical intimacy. Share on XRomance is more about full (total) intimacy. I’ll get into this more when we talk about what romance is.
2) Romance Is Not An Event
Big events are nice. But they are not the building blocks of a great marriage.
I know couples with very limited incomes who have great marriages. Relationships that are filled with romance. And they never even take a vacation.
I also know couples who ‘jet-set.’ They travel to exotic locations, dine at 5 star restaurants, and vacation four to five times a year. Yet their relationship is filled with strife, bitterness, and resentment. Hardly the qualities of a romantic marriage.
While there is nothing wrong with planning big events to celebrate your marriage, you need to keep in mind that romance (intimacy) is built through connection (see below), not the event.
3) Romance Can’t Be Reduced To A Feeling
From the time we are small, we are introduced to the ‘happy ever after’ motif of life. We meet the perfect husband (or wife) and life is perfect from that point on.
I don’t think I have to tell you, it’s a myth. Perfect doesn’t exist. Not in this life.
That doesn’t mean we should be pessimistic about marriage. Quite the opposite. There is nothing sweeter than sharing life with someone you love and accepts you for who you are – flaws and all.
Michelle and I often say, ‘I know you are not perfect. But you are perfect for me!’ That’s what makes life romantic; knowing your spouse cares deeply for you and desires to share their life with you.
I believe feelings are important. Attraction is necessary for a healthy relationship. But it is not the only thing that matters. Our culture over-emphasizes the physical aspect of a relationship, often at the expense of things that matter more.
Real Romance Is…
Now that we have the misconceptions out of the way (at least the big ones), let’s look at what real romance actually is. What makes a relationship romantic?
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Here are six qualities that make a marriage romantic.
1) Romance Is About Connecting
Connection is at the heart of all communication and intimacy. Without it, we are not truly entering our spouses world.
In order to have more romance in your marriage it is important to be able to connect with the person you are married with. Listen and talk more, give emotional support and compliments.
When your spouse needs help let them know how much you care for them. These simple things will make a huge difference in how people feel about sharing their lives with you.
Romance is about spending time with your partner and making each others’ hearts feel our beat faster. Love is what you make it: you can either create a very authentic and honest connection, or can tear it down and be consumed with anger.
2) Romance Is About Sharing Life
Sharing life is at the heart of romance.
Sharing life is at the heart of romance. Many marriages struggle because partners stop sharing their lives with each other, focusing exclusively on themselves. The resulting boredom and resentment can destroy the relationship. How do you build more romance into your marriage?
- Share positive stories about each other regularly:
- Learn to say “yes” to each other’s needs instead of “no”:
- Take time every day together, even if it’s just for 10 minutes to talk or watch TV or do something fun that you enjoy together.
- Ask each other how you can improve your marriage regularly:
- Share things that interest you regularly, not just once every 6 months to 1 year:
- Compliment each other everyday, instead of just one special day of the year:
Firstly, if you want to experience true romance in your marriage then you must learn to live together as one unit. You cannot expect to enjoy being intimate when you are living apart.
Secondly, you must understand your spouse wants, desires, and needs.
In addition, they need to hear from you. They don’t always get this message through words alone. So, take some time to listen to your mate and ask questions. This helps both parties communicate better. It also shows respect for your partner by listening to him/her.
Thirdly, you must show appreciation for your spouse. Show them you value them by doing little things like taking an extra minute to compliment them, saying “thank you” after they did something nice for you, etc.
3) Romance Is About Showing Respect
Showing respect in a romance is important.
It’s not just about the physical, it’s also about showing your partner that you care and are interested in them as an individual person. It can be hard to find someone who will show you this kind of love but if you’re willing to put some effort into finding one then there are plenty out there waiting for you!
Showing respect in a romance is important because it helps build up trust between spouses which can lead to an increase in intimacy and love. Share on XThe first step to building more romance into your marriage is to show respect towards each other. One way you can do this is by often telling one another how much you appreciate them.
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Showing respect in a romance is important because it helps build up trust between spouses which can lead to an increase in intimacy and love.
4) Romance Is About Being Considerate and Giving
Romance is about being considerate and giving, not just receiving.
It’s about making your spouse feel special, not just yourself.
It’s about covering the other person in kisses, hugs, cards and affection. It’s not all candlelit dinners or expensive trips abroad!
It’s not just a word, it’s an attitude that can be seen in the way you treat your partner or spouse. It means being considerate of their feelings as well as yours.
You don’t have to spend money on expensive gifts for them if they already have everything they need. And when you do give something special to someone else, make sure it comes from the heart.
5) Romance Is About Deep Commitment
Deep commitment is the focus of romance.
Romance is about deep commitment. It’s about being able to give, receive, and feel love in the depths of your heart. The more you are able to commit to love in your marriage, the more romance will grow into your marriage. Here are some ways that you can build romance into your marriage:
The more you are able to commit to love in your marriage, the more romance will grow into your marriage. Deep commitment is the focus of romance.
Deep commitment is the focus of romance. Share on XRomance is about deep commitment. It’s about being able to give, receive, and feel love in the depths of your heart. The more you are able to commit to love in your marriage, the more romance will grow into your marriage.
6) Romance Is About Consistent Caring
Nora Roberts is considered by many the best romance writer, period.
The New Yorker published an article about her in 2009. In it, they told the story about her meeting some fans while she was shopping.
“You know, writing’s creative and all this, certainly, but you don’t just wander around dreaming,” she said. “That’s not what you’re getting paid for.” Roberts scoffs at the notion of inspiration, divine or otherwise. She continued, “People go, ‘Oh, you work six or eight hours a day, oh my God.’ ‘Well, yeah, how many hours do you work?’ ‘Well, yeah, but . . .’ But nothing. I think this is my job. And I think people who”—she hesitated for a moment—“have more of an artistic bent, they’re just not as productive, and their writing is probably not any better than mine at the end of the day.” According to my calculations, it takes Roberts, on average, forty-five workdays to write a book.
(Source)
Nora Roberts is a beast when it comes to chunking our romance novels.
Her work ethic in producing these works of romance is also the same ethic that creates romance in your marriage, namely, consistent, dedicated action toward your goal.
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That may not sound ‘romantic’ but it is the makeup of a great romance.
Being consistent is one of the top indicators of true love. Share on XBeing consistent is one of the top indicators of true love.
Think about it. Anyone can send flowers every once in a while. Even a jerk can be nice occasionally. But it takes consistent kindness to form good character. Anyone can plan a big event. But it takes consistent selflessness to create a loving relationship.
In most cases, consistency wins out.
How To Build More Romance Into Your Marriage
Now that we understand the qualities of a romantic relationship, let’s explore a few practical ways to make your marriage more romantic.
Here are a few tips that will help you create a culture of romance in your relationship.
1) Be Spontaneous
Being spontaneous means that you don’t go out of your way to plan every date or every special night. Sometimes you just need to go with the flow and it can be much more romantic than you expect!
Find ways to spoil each other. Show appreciation for one another often. Being spontaneous can lead to other benefits such as:
- You feel closer to each other because you’re both enjoying yourselves.
- It builds trust between you two.
- It shows respect for one another by allowing them to enjoy themselves without having to plan everything ahead of time.
- It allows you to relax and just enjoy yourself together.
- It helps build excitement in your relationship.
- It creates memories that last forever!
2) Plan It
At risk of sounding like I’m contradicting myself, planning does have a place in building romance.
Sure, spontenaity is important; it adds spice and fun to your marriage. Yet, because consistency is one of the important qualities in romance, it should be something we prioritize to make happen.
That’s where planning comes in.
Planning an event (or creating a setting) that creates intimacy doesn’t mean it lacks spontaneity; it simply means it is a priority. As a priority, it is worth scheduling.
Whether it is a date night with your spouse, a mini-vacation, or a special dinner at home, making time wth your spouse a priority is an important step in building intimacy and romance.
3. Find Things You Can Both Benefit From
Things like learning new skills together or taking a dance class.
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Watch a romantic movie together. Attend a play or Broadway show together. Take a long walk or bike ride. Take pictures and make scrapbooks to remember the moments you share.
Make an effort to have at least one date night each week or month—or more if you have time!
4. Create an Atmosphere of Romance
One way to do this at home—light candles, wear your spouse’s favorite cologne/perfume, put on some romantic music, etc.
Take time each day to tell each other you love them.
“Sweet Talk” is a writer’s term that denotes a feeling of love, adoration, and admiration for someone—the opposite of the fear of the relationship ending with “like”.
5. Write Love Notes
Be sure to do what romantics have done forever: write or record a song, poem, or short story about your relationship—a special thing your spouse does, a funny but meaningful moment in time, etc.
Keep in touch with your spouse daily–phone calls, emails, notes at different times in the day when you know they won’t be checking their phone often.
Final Thoughts On Real Romance
In summary, real romance isn’t all about being perfect. It’s not even about doing things perfectly.
Rather, it’s about finding ways to connect with our spouses through everyday life.
We can do this by being intentional in how we spend time together and what activities we choose for the day.
Romance is not a destination but rather an ongoing journey that requires us to be open to new experiences and opportunities as they arise.
It takes work on both sides of the relationship to make romance happen every single day!
Summary
What’s Next?
Where To Find Help
We have resources to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve:
Connecting and Communicating
1000 Questions For Couples is designed to help you connect on a deeper level to create intimacy and trust in your relationship.
Relationship Rewrite will help you regain and rediscover the magic and love you once shared.
Is your marriage in a relationship crisis? Need to take action but not sure where to start? Our #1 Recommendation for couples in crisis is Save The Marriage System. >> Click Here To Learn More <<
Physical Intimacy
Respark the Romance helps couples capture passion in their marriage.
Why Men Pull Away addresses the issue of why men tend to withdraw and how to effectively get them to reengage.
Secret Survey is based on the research of Michael Fiore after surveying thousands of men. It is enlightening. Designed for women.
Our Courses and Quiz
We have courses available that will help you grow your marriage relationship and create the marriage you desire and deserve. Visit our course library here.
You can also take our Marriage Quiz to get your marriage score and find practical ways to increase communication, intimacy, and trust in your relationship.
