Is it possible to enjoy marriage when you have nothing in common with spouse? Yes. But it takes work and understanding the real essence of compatibility. In this article we discuss those differences and how to connect with a spouse that’s different from you.
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Is it possible to enjoy marriage when you have nothing in common with spouse? Yes. But it takes work and understanding the real essence of compatibility. In this article we discuss those differences and how to connect with a spouse that’s different from you.
My wife and I love date night. We schedule several throughout the week. Friday nights, of course, are dining out. But also have our special ‘dine-in’ evenings that I cherish.
I usually fire up the grill and Pandora music. The grill for the steaks. Pandora for classic music. I’m talking about real music. Dean Martin. Andrea Bocelli. The Rat Pack (the best IMHO) and of course Louis Armstrong.
Here’s Louis with one of our favorites. It’s a song called, ‘Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off.’ Give it a listen. Don’t worry. I’m going somewhere with this.
It’s about a couple thinking about breaking up because they don’t have things in common.
Things have come to a pretty pass Our romance is growing flat Cause you like this and the other While I go for this and that
They conclude…”Let’s call the whole thing off!”
As the song progresses, they realize their love is bigger than their differences. Instead of calling off the romance, they decide…
So we better call the calling off off! Let’s call the whole thing off!
I love that.
Opposites attract, is what everyone has always said. But is that really true? In some cases it can be very true. In other cases, not so much. But I also feel you can still have a great relationship. Whether you have common interests or not, every relationship takes work, compromise, and understanding.
I believe that everyone knows the difference between the two, but just as a refresher; compatibility is you and your significant other work well together. You are in-sync and have a great time together. Common interests are liking the same things; such as music, food, movies, etc.
You can have common interests and your relationship will be alright. It should be fun, for the most part. But you also need compatibility. Working together, being a team, on everything that life throws in your direction is essential.
Common interests are something that you have in high school. You are not worried about finances, children, jobs, or other ‘adult’ situations. Most high school couples have a mutual attraction and things in common and that is why they get together. They have the same group of friends, like to go to the movies, participate or spectate the sports teams. It is very important to have both compatibility and common interests in any relationship, but more so when you are married. But what if you are compatible but do not have anything in common?
How to Compromise for the Greater Good of Your Marriage
To compromise is to come to an agreement to settle a dispute with both parties ‘winning’. In every relationship there is going to be a difference of opinion, a different wish, dreams, or a different approach to handling a situation (i.e. parenting). This will be where the 2 of you will need to compromise or come to a mutual agreement on the next course of action.
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No one should give up their beliefs or change themselves in or for a relationship. You still need to be your own individual person with your own views and opinions. But you will need to work with your partner and find the perfect line or balance in your relationship. You need to equally compromise or give up something for something else. The compromise is not always supposed to fall on one person’s shoulders.
There are a few steps that you both need to learn and understand. If you can meet in the middle on decisions and other areas of marriage, then no one loses anything. One of the most important things to learn is to put yourself in your spouses shoes. See the problem from your partners perspective. It will give you a greater understanding of where they are coming from and why they feel the way that they do.
Another way to handle compromise is to look to the future. Whether it is 2 years, 5 years, or even 10 years. How does the decision you are trying to make, this mutual agreement, potentially impact your future? If it is something simple, such as allowing a child to spend the night at a friends house, it doesn’t really matter. If it involves any type of financial concern/issue, moving for a job, or something more in depth then you will both need to step back and look ahead. Weigh the pros and cons.
Positive Ways to Compromise
There are positive and even fun ways to compromise or reach a mutual decision, depending on what the problem is.
Remember; you being happy together is your goal. Compromising doesn’t have to be a fight. It is bringing your solution and your spouse’s solution together, and making them meld together so that you both are happy with the final decision.
One positive in compromise is both of you giving up something or changing your view just a little bit, to come to an agreement. If it is something as simple as where to eat dinner or what movie to watch on a Friday night, make it fun and flip a coin or draw straws. If you pick the correct side, then you choose the dinner or movie this time. Then the next time you eat out (or watch a movie) your partner gets to decide.
Another positive way to compromise is to be willing to learn or to try new things. This is largely related to not having anything in common with your spouse. Try something they like to do; horseback riding, playing checkers, or even skydiving! Learn how to make their favorite meal or how they prefer their clothes ironed. If you both are willing to try new things and learn new things, not only does it help your marriage but it broadens your horizons to new and exciting possibilities.
You can also show your appreciation when your spouse compromises. Do not take it for granted if they give in or give up something. If they give in and do what you want or try your solution. Show appreciation to them for sitting down and reviewing the situation, explaining their reasons and beliefs.
Show your appreciation for their willingness to work it out, instead of fighting. They are more likely to compromise in the future if you acknowledge their efforts to compromise. They need to do the same for you. Life is too short to fight or give up.
How to Reconnect
Depending on the reason for the disconnect, there are various ways to reconnect. If your lives have become ‘routine’ or you feel like a robot, you need to sit down and figure out why. Is it because you work all the time, because you have children, or because you have been married for 10, 15, or 20 years?
Figure out what you had or what you did in the first 5 years that you do not have or do now. Normally the first 5 years of your marriage is pretty good. You are still getting to know each other and love to do stuff together. It could be because of lack of time, exhaustion, or lack of interest because you have both grown over the years. After you figure out what you had, that you lost then you can begin to work on getting it back. You can work on solutions on how to fix the problem.
What Couples Can Do To Reconnect
Reconnecting with your partner can be as simple as a hug and a kiss on the way out of the house in the morning. It can also be a back rub or cuddling when you first get into bed. Those little things are actually big steps in reconnection.
You can also re-establish or create a ritual. Some examples of this; having a relaxing cup of coffee together each morning, spending 15 minutes before bed talking, or going for a morning walk on Saturdays. This keeps the lines of communication open. You can address something the moment it comes up. You will not feel rushed or pressured.
One big thing that some couples do is a designated date night, especially if you have children. You need that adult time to talk, to connect, and just be a couple again. It also gives you 1 night a week of relaxation and enjoying a quiet meal together. If you do not have children, it still gives you the ability to do something different 1 night a week. Especially if your daily routine is the exact same. You can either go out, or you can have an ‘in house’ date night. Pizza and a movie for example.
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Other Simple Activities To Reconnect
There are so many different ways that you can reconnect, it is hard to list them all here. You can be creative, spontaneous, or serious in your activities. It is all up to the 2 of you, what you choose to try to reconnect. It will also depend on why you need to reconnect.
You could go bowling, mini-golf, join a dance class, go camping/fishing, or go on a relaxing country drive. If either of you take lunch or a briefcase to work, leave a note a couple of times a week. Something simple; what you love about them, what you appreciate the most, or a simple I love you or thinking of you.
The biggest and most troublesome thing in this day and age is cell phones. Disconnect from the internet and spend time with each other. Social media will be there in ½ an hour in 48 hours, or in a week but your partner may not be. We have all lost the ability to communicate face to face and this is what causes a lot of problems in relationships today.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve ever thought your marriage won’t work because you simply don’t have things in common, it’s not necessarily true. Compatibility is not the same as common interest.
My wife and I share many things in common. But there are also tons we don’t share. I’m an adrenaline junkie (well, not exactly, but according to her it’s true); she, on the other hand, likes to play it safe. We joke that our approach to hiking and adventure is:
Her: Let’s find some place safe and maybe it will be adventurous.
Me: Let’s find someplace adventurous and maybe it will be safe.
We differ. But we make it work.
In this article we discussed how to make it work when you have nothing in common with spouse.
To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:
The Healthy Marriage Quiz If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.
The Healthy Marriage Toolkit Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.
Healthy Marriage Courses Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.
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