New Years Resolutions For Couples: Why They Won’t Work

In this article, we tackle new years resolutions for couples and why most won’t work. As we move toward a new year, most couples set out to evaluate and make their new years resolution for their marriage. Here’s why most won’t work. And what you can do about it.

How did you do on your New Year’s resolutions for last year? 2021? 

If you’re like most people, you missed the mark. Maybe not a total failure, but chances are you didn’t accomplish the things you desire.

I don’t say this as a slam. Statistics show that in the previous year only 12% of people actually kept their new year’s resolutions.

Unfortunately, most people don’t even set marriage goals. They have resolutions to lose weight, get healthier, get a promotion, or save money for their future. But very few people actually make a resolution to make their marriage better.

The Cycle of Hoping Next Year Will Be Better

I recently read an article that stated an enormous percentage of people feel like 2021 was their worst year ever.

Three things stand out as I apply this to marriage:

#1: Most of the time we evaluate based upon what happens to us.

Well, I think this is normal and even natural, but it’s flawed.

Here’s why:

Anytime we base our life experience upon what happens to us instead of what we do proactively, we get subpar results.

In other words, it’s not what happens TO US that matters, It is what WE DO that makes the difference.

This leads me to the second takeaway from the article.

#2: Most resolutions are only outward-focused.

According to Forbes magazine, one of the main reasons people fail to keep resolutions is they don’t take their beliefs (they call it consciousness) into consideration.

Trying to change something on the outside without changing your beliefs about the thing is futile.

It’s why a young girl keeps picking the wrong guy to date. She can break up, promise to never do that again, but if something IN her doesn’t change, she will more than likely pick another bad guy.

Until we are able to heal our wounds from the past, we’ll keep repeating them.

#3:People make wishes disguised as New Year’s resolutions.

A resolution is more than a wish. The word resolution is built on the framework of being resolute – determined.

Most resolutions aren’t resolute decisions that change things; they are mere ‘wishes’ that things were different. There is a big difference between the two.

Wishes do not change things. There’s a reason for this.

New Year’s resolutions are generally made as a reaction to something we didn’t like. This is not always a bad thing, but it’s less than perfect. Sometimes discontent can be motivating, but only if it is linked to proper action.

New Year’s resolutions rarely work because they aren’t internalized and they don’t turn into action plans.

I’m sure you can see how points 1 and 2 are related.

Rather than living in a knee-jerk reaction to situations and events that happen in our life, it’s better to set a plan of action in place that actually takes us to the destination we desire.

Instead of making a new year’s resolution to make your marriage better, why not start the new year with an action plan to take you to the destination you desire? 

Why You Don’t Need A Marriage Resolution: Do This Instead

Here are some examples of common marriage resolutions that people make:

• Spend one night a week on a date night
• Talk more and be more open with my spouse
• Share more quality time
• Be more physically intimate 
• Stop arguing and fighting over the small stuff
• Talk about the future; dream together
• Get in shape (together) – health goals
• Save money and plan for the future

These are not the only resolutions couples make, but they are the major ones we hear about.

And of course, they are not bad aspirations. Who can fault couples for any of these things?

If this is the case, why do only 12% of resolutions achieved?

1) Most resolutions wind up being about things you want to stop doing.

• Don’t complain when he/she comes home late from work
• Stop nagging about help around the house

 Even when resolutions are put in the positive, they fall short and don’t take into consideration the way the mind works. They tend to be more of a wish than a plan. See the discussion above.

A marriage resolution is different. It’s about what you’re going to do for your relationship. It’s not just about what you’re going to stop doing. Your marriage resolution should focus on what you’re going to start doing, not just what you want to stop doing.

2) Resolutions must be internalized.

But there is something else going on that sabotages our efforts. We hit on it earlier: resolutions can’t just be wishes. They must be things we internalize. Things we are resolute about.

We have to be able to say “this is who I am” or “this is what I believe”. If we don’t think we are capable of doing this, then we will never follow through. And if we don’t follow through, nothing will change.

When your beliefs change, everything changes. Yet we fail to spend time doing the inner work necessary to change how we see our relationship.

5 Programs Designed To Help You Win In Your Marriage

To help you get started on this, here is a list of the top five plans we recommend if you want to change from the inside out.

These are not in any particular order. They are all solid programs that will help you transform your life and your relationship.

1) Save The Marriage System by Lee Baucom

This is mostly (but not exclusively) for marriages that are in crisis.

What is it?

 Save the Marriage System is an eBook that maps out the various stages of a marriage crisis and gives practical, step-by-step guidance on how to navigate each stage. It comes with a quick start guide to help you identify where you are in the process.

There are other bonuses with the program which makes it one of our best-recommended programs.

What I like about it:

 It’s practical. When couples are in crisis mode, they are often driven by emotions and have a hard time deciding the best course of action to get back on track. This guide takes a lot of the guesswork out of it.

Through Dr. Baucom’s research and years of practice as a counselor, he has pinpointed what steps to take, what to say, and how to say it at every stage.

In my opinion, if you are in a marriage crisis, this is the guide to get you thinking properly, restore hope, and develop a practical plan of action.

What I don’t like about it:

 I wish it came in other formats rather than merely book form. I’m a reader, so it doesn’t bother me. But I know many couples who prefer video format.

With that said, I hope this doesn’t discourage couples from getting this program. Dr. Baucom is a leading counselor and marriage coach. His insights into the stages of conflict is priceless.

Watch Dr. Baucom explain the Save the Marriage System program here.

2) Marriage Reset Intensive

Full disclosure: I just became familiar with this program and haven’t completed it, but so far I like what I see.

What is it?

This is a course containing 4 modules with a total of 17 lessons. Lessons consist of video training, worksheets delivered as downloadable PDF documents or online forms, and audio files.

I encourage you to watch the video and read their story on the main page and listen to Dustin talk about how they discovered principles that helped them rebuild their broken marriage. 

What I like about it:

The two things I appreciate the most is:

First, the program is built OUT OF the broken that Dustin and Kayti experienced. It comes from digging, scraping, and fighting to get their relationship back on track. In other words, it is born out of real pain. So they speak in a way that resonates with people who are ‘in the struggle.’

Second, It’s based on the neurochemistry of the brain. They back up what they’ve learned with the science of relationships. They offer practical advice on what to do in specific situations.

What I don’t like about it:

 It’s pricey. Although (at the time of this writing) they have a special offer with a discounted price. 

You can watch the video and find out more about Marriage Reset Intensive here.

3) Journey to Trust

One of the key building blocks of a healthy marriage is trust. Without it, the relationship deteriorated. We talk a lot about trust (and the many layers of trust), so I like to recommend resources that focus on trust-building.

What is it?

This is a PDF book and workbook designed to help couples who have experienced infidelity.

What I like about it:

I like the fact that they include exercises to rebuild trust. Information alone will not heal a broken relationship; it takes time, work, and attention. The exercises in this course will help you address important areas impacted by infidelity.

What I don’t like about it:

 Like the Save the Marriage System it is only in book format (outside of a few audio files). I wish there were other methods to communicate the material.

It’s also directed to couples rebuilding after an affair. This is a narrow audience, although I believe most couples will benefit from this resource even if they haven’t experienced an affair.

Find out more about Journey to Trust here.

4) Mend The Marriage by Brad Browning

I’ve been a fan of Brad Browning for years. He understands relationships and offers practical advice that helps people navigate the basics of marriage.

What is it?

The program contains:

• An e-book 
• 25-chapter audio course
• 7-part live-person video series
• 3 high-quality bonus PDF’s (30-40+ pages each)
• 3-part “team-building” worksheets

What I like about it:

Brad Browning knows relationships. His advice is not cliche, and the program is packed with solid information that is practical and easy to use.

This course is professionally put together. I appreciate the quality and effort that went into making this excellent.

What I don’t like about it:

The home page (and video) that explains the program makes it seem like this is designed only for those who are in a marriage crisis. I found the program is great for anyone who wants to fine-tune their marriage.

Sure, most of the modules address struggling relationships, but the material is good for anyone who wants a better marriage.

Watch Brad’s Mend the Marriage video here.

5) Magic Relationship Words

Otto and Susie have been helping couples learn to communicate better by breaking old patterns and cycles. They both come from broken marriages in the past and offer practical advice on how to connect with your spouse.

What is it?

This is a downloadable book and audio course.

There are three parts to the program:

1. Getting the right mindset

2. Making sure your verbal and non-verbal communication is saying the same thing

3. Practical examples of how it works

What I like about it:

This is practical. Not quite a ‘paint-by-numbers’ communication guide, but close. Each section is important, but I especially like the information on making sure you have the right mindset. My experience is that most couples do things (even the right things) but their mind sabotages their efforts.

What I don’t like about it:

The program is pretty short. But in my opinion, if you need help knowing what to say and how to say it so you can open the lines of communication, you will benefit from this program.

Listen to Otto and Susie’s story and discover Magic Relationship Words

Final Thoughts on New Year’s Resolutions for Couples

Only 12% of new year’s resolutions last. So, is it wrong to make them? Is it possible to make them work?

Making new year’s resolutions for couples is not wrong by any twist of the imagination. But if your desire for change is not linked to a resolute, determined heart (mind), it is only a wish. One that will not succeed.

Summary

We discussed several keys to making your marriage better.

• The Cycle of Hoping Next Year Will Be Better
  • #1: Most of the time we evaluate based upon what happens to us.
  • #2: Most resolutions are only outward-focused.
  • #3:People make wishes disguised as New Year’s resolutions.
• Why You Don’t Need A Marriage Resolution: Do This Instead
  • 1) Most resolutions wind up being about things you want to stop doing.
  • 2) Resolutions must be internalized.
• 5 Programs Designed To Help You Win In Your Marriage
  • 1) Save The Marriage System by Lee Baucom
  • 2) Marriage Reset Intensive
  • 3) Journey to Trust
  • 4) Mend The Marriage by Brad Browning
  • 5) Magic Relationship Words

What’s Next?

Where To Find Help