Myths About Anger: Debunking the 6 Major Anger Myths

An anger induction study was done with 30 men. Each man was given 50 phrases to trigger (induce) anger.

Physical and emotional levels were measured before and after the test. Things like heart rate, arterial tension, testosterone levels, certain brain functions and activity.

Here’s what they found:

“[A]nger provokes profound changes in the state of mind of the subjects (‘they felt angered and had a more negative state of mind’) and in different psychobiological parameters.”

There was increase in heart rate, arterial tension and testosterone levels.

Also a decrease in cortisol which regulates stress.

The Left Brain was stimulated.

Studies connect different emotions with different brain hemispheres. For example, fear, disgust and avoidance are controlled by the Right Hemisphere. Happiness, pride and anger are in the Left Hemisphere.

This goes along with the hypothesis called ‘sword and shield.’ It works like this: If you are right handed (your dominate hand) holds the sword. With it you attack your enemy.

A right handed person would hold the shield with his left (nondominate) hand. He uses the shield to defend and protect.

The theory works like this:

If we translate this into brain hemispheres (left brain controls right side of body), we see that anger comes from the left brain. This impies dominate hand (sword) which indicates agression, attack and fighting.

When we feel anger, ’emotions of the sword’ (aggression, fight, etc) are released.

By contrast, the right brain (shield) of avoidance is dormant.

“Normally when we get angry we show a natural tendency to get closer to what made us angry to try to eliminate it. (Neus Herrero)

The Major Point: Anger changes us physically, mentally and emotionally.

This is Part 5 in our series ‘Anger in the Household.’

Anger in the Family [Part 5]

This is Part 5 in the Anger in the Family Series

The Series in a Nutshell:

Part 1: How Anger Will Unravel Your Relationship
Part 2: What’s Causing Your Anger
Part 3: How To Deal with an Angry Husband (Spouse)
Part 4: What To Do If You Are Angry
Part 5: Myths about Anger

In order to deal with anger issues, we have to whittle away to find the truth. This means debunking some of the myths.

The Myths

Disclaimer: Tough words inside.

I want to speak straight and pointed about how we often make excuses about anger. We justify it. Rationalize it. And even coddle it. But there is no excuse for the type of anger that hurts others.

I will say things in this article that will make you uncomfortable. But if we are to break the cycle of anger, we have to face the facts and take responsibility.

This is one of the key principles of change: until you take 100% responsibility for your life and where you are, you resigned to a life determined by outside forces.

I refuse to be controlled by anything outside myself other than God.

We are responsible for our actions, behavior and attitudes.

Once we take ownership and refuse to make excuses, we are empowered to change.

Discover the 5 simple steps you can take to reclaim your relationship.

There are six (6) major myths about anger we need to debunk.

Myth 1: Let It All Hang Out

Research has found that “letting it rip” with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you’re angry with) resolve the situation.

It’s best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.

Medical professions are discovering the harmful physical effects of explosive anger.

1. Heart Damage

“In the two hours after an angry outburst, the chance of having a heart attack doubles.” [Source]

2. Stroke

One study found there was a three times higher risk of having a stroke from a blood clot to the brain or bleeding within the brain during the two hours after an angry outburst.

3. Immune System Breakdown

Harvard University scientists found that in healthy people, simply recalling an angry experience from their past caused a six-hour dip in levels of the antibody immunoglobulin A, the cells’ first line of defense against infection.

4. Mortality

A University of Michigan study done over a 17-year period found that couples who hold in their anger (then explode) have a shorter life span than those who readily say when they’re mad.

5. Continued Rage

Expressing anger actually increases the need to express their anger.

And similar to drug use (we talk about angers effect on the brain here) the more you use it, the more of it you need. There is a dangerous cycle of rage that begins when we let it all hang out.

It’s not that it’s just easier to do next time. That’s part of it. But the chemical released during fits of anger becomes addictive.

What we are not saying:

1. Not saying you can’t find ways to express your feelings (even anger).

2. Not saying you should just bottle it up and pretend everything is okay. (We’ll deal with this next)

3. Not saying you shouldn’t be heard.

What we are saying:

1. Find beneficial ways to express anger.

There is a great article in PsyCentral on how to find ways to express anger.

2. Letting it rip hurts you and others.

3. Anger can be a sign of a hurt that needs to be addressed.

Some people are mean, spoiled and narcissistic. There seems to be no reason for their abusive and often explosive behavior.

However, many (perhaps most) people experience explosions of anger because of inner pain that has not been addressed or dealt with.

Contrary to many people, letting it all hang out is a dangerous myth.

Myth busted!

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Myth 2: Bottle It Up

There are several reasons holding emotions in are unhealthy:

1. Physical Problems

Dr. Chris Aiken (MD), Wake Forst University School of Medfcine and Director of Mood Treatment Center in Winston-Salem, NC, says:

“Repressed anger – where you express it indirectly or go to great lengths to control it is associated with heart disease.”

Licensed therapist Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D draws a direct link between Type 2 Diabetes and other aliments and stress caused by unresolved anger.

2. Elevated Hormone Levels

Lisa Rene Reynolds, PhD Iona College says:

“Holding things in can cause a constant state of elevated stress hormones that the body is not meant to sustain for long periods of time.”

3. Loss of Self Esteem

Recent studies suggest a correlation between unresolved anger and depression, anxiety and uncommon stress.

4. Weakened Immune System

We discussed this under Myth #1, but it’s not just explosions of anger that destroy our immune system, it’s suppressed emotions as well.

Reynolds indicates there are many symptoms often misdiagnosed with physical issues when the real problem is emotional.

Consider these symptoms of bottled up anger:

• Cold Sores
• Headaches
• Back Pain
• Fibromyalgia
• Preexisting Conditions Flare UP

These are just a few she mentions.

When our immune system short circuits it leaves the door open for many physical problems.

The problem is we don’t often connect the open door to unresolved, pinned up emotions like anger.

5. Physical Pain

While the answer is certainly not ‘letting it all hang out,’ it’s equally not found in stuffing it into the pressure cooker of our emotions.

It’s a myth to bottle it up and ‘just be a man (woman).’

Myth Busted!

Related: Take Full Control Over Your Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions

Myth 3: Relaxing Is Impossible When I’m Angry

You’ve heard it before…

• Take a deep breath.
• Just relax.
• Don’t let it get to you.

Is this reasonable advice? Or is it junk psychology?

Many people say, ‘I can’t just calm down when I’m upset. If I could calm down, I wouldn’t be upset.’

I think that is the junk psychology.

I understand that getting control of our emotions is challenging. We WANT to be angry at times. That’s okay. There are certainly times when anger is the right response (think injustice, violence against people, etc).

But emotions of anger and actions are different.

We can and should control both.

The minute we give up our ability to respond, we lose control.

When we lose control, we forfeit our power to change.

It means something (or someone) else is in control of our life.

I don’t know about you, but I refuse to give up my life to someone else. Or something else.

On to some science…

There is an interesting connection between facial expressions and emotions.

An article in Psychology Today by Alex Korb breaks down a study on ‘furrowed brows.’ You know, when you crinkle your eyebrows together as a show of disapproval.

Come to find out, that furrowed brow works a lot like a smile. A smile releases chemicals in the brain that actually make you feel better. So the smile produces the feeling, not necessarily the other way around.

Same with the furrowed brow. It’s not really a chicken or the egg question. It works both ways.

If you feel upset, you tend to furrow your eyebrows.

It also works in reverse. When you push your brows together it creates feelings of anger and disgust.

One study had people tape golf tees to their brows and try to make them touch (this creates the movement when we feel angry). At the same time they view pictures. The subjects experienced increase in anger.

Another study conducted in Germany had students furrow their brow while looking at pictures of famous people. The students felt more judgmental toward the celebrities and had less empathy.

The reverse is also true. One interesting discovery among women who used Botox (a procedure that paralyzes facial muscles in order to eliminate wrinkles) was they experienced fewer feelings of anxiety and anger.

What Does This Have To Do With Relaxing and Anger?

Simple. It’s possible to change your emotional state by changing your physiology (your body posture, position, etc).

This is one of the scientific theories behind (modern) yoga. It’s using your body to control your mind, emotions and spirit.

After all, we are a composite of these things. Not just a physical body. But a spirit with a body and emotions. They work together.

The myth that you can’t control your emotions has done damage to marriages. Learn to control your emotions and channel your anger.

It is possible.

So relax. Breath deep. And let go of all those inner toxins.

Myth Busted!

FREE Video: The Secret to Balancing Your Mind, Body, Soul

Myth 4: It’s Their Fault

The blame game has been going on forever.

All the way back to the Garden of Eden Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent.

There is a principle that is important to understand. It’s the principle of authority.

If it is someone else’s fault, they are the one with the power.

As long as you blame someone else, you give up the your power to change.

Think about it.

If I’m responsible, at least I have the power to change things.

If I’m not responsible, someone else is in control. And I am at their mercy for things to be better.

Another principle is…

No one can MAKE you do anything. You always have the power of choice.

I hear people say a lot, ‘You don’t understand, I didn’t have a choice.” We always have a choice.

They may be bad choices, but we always have a choice.

Reasons We Use Blame

There are several reasons blame is used.

1. It’s a defense mechanism.

Anger makes us feel out of control, so we want to blame someone else so we don’t have to take responsibilty.

If we admit we are wrong – the anger is a character issune and not a moral one – we have guilt. Blame helps us avoid guilt.

2. It’s easier than doing serious emotional work on ourselves.

Rather than work on figuring out what’s going on in our own heart, it’s easier to blame someone else.

Self realization takes work. Few people seem to want to put in the effort.

Any time I hear someone continually blame others for their behavior problems I know they haven’t invested the time to work on themselves.,

3. You feel entitled.

You feel that you deserve something that has not been given to you; instead of doing soul searching to see if you did something, you shift the blame to others.

When this happens, you’ll hear statements like:

• “If they would only…”
• “Nobody helps me”
• “Every one is out to get me”
• “I deserve to ______________!”

4. To protect your self image.

When we feel less than perfect, we try to find a reason (usually outside of ourselves) for our inadequacy. So we blame someone else to protect our sense of self image.

This video from BrainCraft discusses blame shifting.

It’s a myth to blame others for our emotional condition.

Myth busted!

Related Article: How to Communicate Better With My Wife

Myth 5: That’s Just The Way I Am

This is one of the most deadly and faulty reasons.

It’s deadly because it locks you into failure. If you have no power to change because you are ‘made a certain way,’ you reduce yourself to failure.

If you CAN’T change (in your own mind), then you WON’T change.

This is self defeating.

It’s faulty because it is psychologically and scientifically untrue.

William Berry, professor at Florida International University and Psychotherapist, agrees:

When someone says, “this is just how I am”, what is really being said? It could be posited that it is an excuse. These words have even been prefaced by, “I can’t help it…”. Some might view it as a cop-out. In other words one might be saying, “I don’t have the motivation to change this aspect of myself.” Or, perhaps, one has attained some level of self-acceptance and simply knows he / she is this way, and accepts it (even if others don’t). Any and all of these explanations are fine, if there is sincerely no desire to change.

He also notes that it is estimated 95% of our actions are automatic and unconscious. We do things because we have conditioned our brains to respond a certain way.

Think about it:

How hard to you have to concentrate when driving to work? Or taking the kids to school? Or taking a shower.

These things are automatic. The brain conserves energy by allocating these things to unconscious behaviors.

But…

These ‘unconscious behaviors’ are not hard wired into our very character.

In other words, we can change. We can overcome this conditioning and our past history.

It takes some work, but it is possible.

This is the concept behind character development.

Science aside, most of the time this argument is made is because the person simply doesn’t want to change.

Not wanting to change is not the same as ‘that’s just the way I am.’

If you don’t’ want to change (and you are willing to live with the consequences of your decisions) just say so. But don’t use the excuse that you are biologically predisposed to be that way. It’s not true.

It’s a myth that needs to be busted!

Myth Busted!

Related Article: 16 Habits that will Wreck Your Relationship

Myth 6: I’m Not Responsible Because I’ve Been Hurt

This is not about blaming the victim.

I know people who have experienced tremendous pain in life.

Jay’s Story

A high school friend (I’ll call him Jay) was/is a great guy.

He went to Bible College after High School. Married a wonderful girl. They have awesome children.

Jay has been a stand up guy since I’ve known him – which goes back 40 years.

The interesting thing about Jay is his background.

His dad left when he was a kid. Raised by a single mom who worked two or three jobs just make ends meet.

They were poor. Lived in a studio type house that was rented.

His brother was a drug dealer. Always running from the law and never helped his mom.

Everything about Jay’s life seemed to give him a pass to be a lousy person. He had very little going for him in terms of family history and opportunity.

But…

Jay is an amazing man. In spite of his background, he chose to be different. He refused to allow his past (or his families past) to determine his future.

He took responsibility for his life, and turned the negative into a positive.

He had been rejected. Forgotten. And lost in the crowd. But Jay refused to allow that to keep him from the life he wanted.

The point?

Too often people use the excuse of past pain to justify their failure.

I’m not suggesting your pain is not valid. Or that the wound is not real. I’m sure it is.

However, by allowing your pain to determine your behavior, you are giving up control of your life. You’ve become a willing servant to your fear and pain.

Whenever we use the excuse ‘I’m not responsible because _____.’ Whatever goes in that blank becomes our master.

For example, if you say, ‘I’m not responsible for my actions in my marriage because I was hurt by a previous boyfriend (girlfriend),’ you’ve given control of your future life to a past relationship.

You’ve allowed that person to dictate your experience.

Imagine:

If that person approached you on the street and requested control of your life, would you give it to them?

Of course not. Yet by passing off responsibility of your behavior to a past experience, you ARE giving it to them. Even though they are not asking for it.

Can you see the failed logic in this?

Once you take responsibility for where you are in life (and your relationship) and refuse to blame anyone or anything, you are empowered to change your life for better.

The mantra ‘I’m not responsible’ is a myth now busted.

Myth Busted!

Related: Silence Your Inner Critic Once and For All

Wrapping It UP

At the beginning of this article I told about the men who were given ‘anger induction’ stimuli and how their anger effected them.

It’s no secret anger is detrimental to our own health, perhaps even more profoundly on our relationships.

We often use junk psychology (myths) to defend our unresolved and uncontrolled anger.

We discussed (and debunked) six myths.

Summary

Here’s a quick recap of what was covered:

• Myth 1: Let It All Hang Out
  • 1. Heart Damage
  • 2. Stroke
  • 3. Immune System Breakdown
  • 4. Mortality
  • 5. Continued Rage
• Myth 2: Bottle It Up
  • 1. Physical Problems
  • 2. Elevated Hormone Levels
  • 3. Loss of Self Esteem
  • 4. Weakened Immune System
  • 5. Physical Pain
• Myth 3: Relaxing Is Impossible When I’m Angry
  • What Does This Have To Do With Relaxing and Anger?
• Myth 4: It’s Their Fault
  • Reasons We Use Blame
• Myth 5: That’s Just The Way I Am
• Myth 6: I’m Not Responsible Because I’ve Been Hurt

Resources

Yoga Kick Start Kit

Destroy Depression

Magic Relationship Words

Marriage Max Fitness

Questions

Which myth is the most challenging to you?

Do you struggle to get a handle on anger?

What’s your biggest set-back when it comes to anger?