I recently ran across this comment in an online marriage forum.
I just found out that my husband has been looking at pornographic pictures of other women on the internet. He says it’s no big deal, but I don’t feel comfortable with it at all. In fact, I think it’s disgusting. It’s hurting our relationship. Every time he’s with me, I’m wondering if he’s thinking about the other women. It makes me feel ugly… What can I do? L.J.
The issue of pornography is certainly not a ‘male’ issue. Many women struggle with sexual addictions including pornography.
However, in this article, most comments are addressed to men. Specifically husbands, since the writer of this comment was female.
Many marriages are impacted in a negative way by pornography. Sexual addiction throws the entire equilibrium of the marriage off. It causes emotional pain, relationship disconnection, and mental self-doubt.
While there is no easy answer or quick solution, here are six things you can do to keep your emotional balance and work toward healing and finding help for your relationship.
I often advise couples, always remain calm. This is difficult and certainly not meant to make you feel your emotions and pain are not legitimate. They are.
However, solutions and healing can only come when we allow our emotions to subside (or at least balance), and we can move forward toward solutions. Tough decisions may be ahead. Never make those decisions out of emotional pain and hurt.
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These six facts will help you regain your emotional balance and find help.
Never take the blame
One of the strange things about being human is we often blame ourselves when things go wrong. Especially in relationship issues.
There are basically two types of people: 1. Those who blame themselves 2. Those who always blame others.
Those who always blame others are narcissist. If you are married to one, don’t count on ever getting an apology or seeing change in their behavior.
I’m not saying ‘they can’t change.’ I’m saying they usually have no motive to change. It is all about THEM. So they do not care about you.
Most people fall into the first category. We tend to find fault with ourselves, and wonder what we did wrong to create the problem
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When it comes to pornography and sex addictions issues, fight the urge to take the blame. Even if your spouse says you are the reason. Don’t believe it.
Pornography is a violation of trust, fidelity and commitment. No action could justify that violation.
Don’t beat yourself up
This goes along with point #1.
Not only do many women wonder what THEY did to cause it, they begin to have self-doubts about their ability to satisfy the needs, desires and wants of their spouse.
Remember, pornography is not about love. It’s not about intimacy. It’s really not even about sex. At least not in the way that makes marriage beautiful.
Making love is sharing and giving. It is the true expression of intimacy.
Pornography is about getting. Taking.
Because it is rooted in fantasy, it cannot produce intimacy.
It is a false expression of love and sex. It always falls short of meeting the need that is deep in the soul of a man (or woman). This is why pornography moves in stages.
It starts small and often escalates.
Author Pamela Paul says:
“…pornography use ruins relationships increases sexual dysfunction and changes what men expect from women. “
There was one woman who said to me, “I’m totally fine with porn. I think it’s fun, I look at it, my boyfriend looks at it.” Half an hour into our phone conversation, she tells me that her boyfriend and she do not have good sex, that this is the first time she’s had a bad sexual relationship, that he looks at porn all the time, and that now she’s considering getting breast implants.
Many studies show how pornography actually decreases pleasure in sex.
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My belief: It will never produce a great sex life. It can’t. It’s based on fantasy and illusion. There can be no intimacy in pornography. Only physical release. It will never achieve the real goal of sexual expression between a husband and wife, which is connection.
In the forum quote above, L.J. used the words: ugly and disgusting. She talked about how it was hurting their relationship.
Those words sting. But they are important. They need to be stated clearly.
Your spouse needs to know and understand (those are two separate cognitive functions by the way) how his actions make you feel. He needs to understand the impact it is having on your trust and openness with him.
It may not solve the problem, but it is necessary to be honest.
In my opinion (which is limited by my experience), most men care about their wife and marriage. They do not want to hurt their spouse.
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Perhaps they are ignorant of the impact of pornography. Maybe naive. Even selfish. Possibly addicted. But most men don’t want to hurt their spouse.
As you talk with your spouse, realize he will be embarrassed by the conversation. He may even resist you. As you discuss the issue, you will find out if he has regrets, or if he doesn’t care what you think.
Your next move will be determined by his actions.
Realize there are deeper issues
As I mentioned earlier, having a conversation (confronting the issue) is not the final step. It is only the beginning.
His battle will not end just because you let him know how you feel.
Many men who view pornography on a consistent basis show signs similar to other addictions:
Even if you and your spouse have a plan of accountability and he is willing to work with you to fight the problem and get help, it is important that YOU seek help from a qualified counselor.
When a partner struggles with any kind of addiction, other problems pop up in your relationship. It affects more than just ‘sex.’
Self esteem issues are involved. Communication and trust is impacted. Anger and hurt are present.
These things have to be dealt with. It’s best to get the help of a professional that can help you navigate your emotions, and find healing from the pain your spouses actions brought into your life.
Porn Statistics from Covenant Eyes
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Get your free details report on the alarming statistics about pornography. You’ll learn:
L.J. was struggling in her marriage because of her husbands pornography issue. I’m not sure what happened in her relationship. Whether she got the help she needed, or if her husband responded to her pleas for help.
She is not alone. Thousands of relationships are impacted by the negative affects of pornography every year.
Summary
In this article we discussed six things you can do the keep your sanity and move toward a solution and healing in your relationship.
Joseph is the Editor and Creator of The Healthy Marriage site. A graduate of Samford University in Birmingham, AL with a major in Counseling and Biblical Studies. He is a certified facilitator with Prepare & Enrich.
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