There is a difference in someone who is truly a victim and someone with a victim mentality. What should you do when you’re married to a spouse with a victim mentality? The key is to balance loving them well, and putting boundaries around you relationship.
In this article we will look at the signs and how to deal with a person who plays the victim. We conclude with tips on how to overcome a victim mentality.
Before we dive in, I thought it would be good to have a little fun…
It’s human nature to place blame. Most people do it to one degree or another.
It’s probably never more humorous than these real accident reports filed with insurance companies. I especially find these comical because I have worked in the insurance industry (different aspect, but insurance none the less). Remember, these are real. Not made up.
People were asked by the insurance company to describe what caused the accident. Here’s what they said:
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
But my favorite ‘victim mentality’ report is this:
The telephone poll was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
It seems people will go to great lengths to find a reason they are not to blame for their situations. We call this a victim mentality.
It can range from mild to extreme. We may all be guilty of some mild victim thinking. It’s the extreme cases that can damage a relationship.
Recognizing a Victim Mentality
There is no question that marriage is both rewarding and challenging, even under the best of circumstances. When one partner has a victim mentality, the daily challenges that naturally go with being married become tenfold.
In some cases, the problem can become serious enough that it seems easier to simply walk away from it all. While we don’t advocate divorce (it’s painful and heartbreaking), it might be necessary for some instances to put distance in your relationship.
The truth is, you may know that something is wrong without fully realizing the signs of a victim mentality.
That said, the first step to overcoming such a mentality is to recognize it, whether it affects you or your partner.
There is no question that marriage is both rewarding and challenging, even under the best of circumstances. When one partner has a victim mentality, the daily challenges that naturally go with being married become tenfold.
There is a little known secret of connecting with your spouse on a deep, intimate level. This little known formula for bonding and creating a close relationship with your spouse is not complicated or confusing. >> Click here to learn how <<
In some cases, the problem can become serious enough that it seems easier to simply walk away from it all. The truth is, you may know that something is wrong without fully realizing the signs of a victim mentality.
The first step to overcoming such a mentality is to recognize it, whether it affects you or your partner.
The Signs of a Victim Mentality
There is not a single sign of the victim mentality. Instead, there are a number of things that could potentially serve to clue you in, all of which will be discussed in greater detail below.
1. Believing that Other are Out to Get You
More often than not, those who feel like the victim have a tendency to believe virtually everyone they meet is out to get them. They may even appear paranoid about it.
Those who play the victim have a hard time taking responsibility for their own actions. Therefore, they tend to blame others for things that don’t go well.
After a while, they may become hypersensitive and expect others to mistreat them. This means they may see themselves as a victim of mistreatment, even if no such thing has actually occurred.
2. A Belief that Others Deliberately Target You
This behavior piggybacks on the belief that others are out to get you.
As your partner gets deeper and deeper into the victim mentality, you may begin to notice that they feel like the whole world is actively trying to keep them from accomplishing their goals. When something goes right, they may not enjoy it as much because they always seem to be waiting for the other shoe to fall. By the same token, they tend to feel validated when things go wrong, as they often try to use that as proof that they don’t get a fair shot in the world.
3. An Inability to Forgive
Those who constantly feel victimized cannot forgive others because they are unable to see the role they themselves played in a particular event. For example, two friends who have a disagreement may be able to discuss their feelings calmly and arrive at some sort of compromise. Conversely, the person who has a victim mentality immediately feels attacked. They don’t see that their actions also played a part in things. The more someone tries to point that out to them, the more defensive they are likely to become. In some situations, they may constantly replay painful memories in their mind or even feel a desire for revenge.
4. An Inability to Look at Things from a Different Perspective
A person with the victim mentality only sees things one way. It’s almost impossible to get them to see things from any perspective besides their own. This can turn an otherwise normal conversation into a full-blown argument.
5. Overreacting to Life’s Daily Challenges
Those who feel like a victim also have a tendency to overreact to things that don’t really bother most people. They may become extremely upset whenever they feel like they’re not being validated, even when the situation doesn’t really have much to do with them.
6. Feeling Powerless
Those that play the victim may genuinely feel like they can’t do anything to change their situation. This is especially true of someone who has been in that mindset for some time, as they lose more and more of themselves in the victim mentality.
Dealing With Someone Who Plays the Victim
What are you supposed to do when your partner has adopted the victim mentality and it’s having an adverse impact on your marriage?
The key is to balance loving them well and having boundaries in your relationship. Boundaries do not imply walls. A wall keeps someone out. A boundary defines the parameters of acceptable behavior. It’s important to know the difference.
Take the Marriage Quiz and discover your marriage score and get suggestions on how to improve your relationship. You will also be sent the results of your quiz along with suggestions on how to create the marriage of your dreams. >> Take The Quiz Now <<
Remember, it’s not about pushing your spouse away. It’s about helping them learn how a healthy relationship works. So you have to set the stage for this.
There are a few things you can do to help them work through the issues they are experiencing.
1. Allow Them to Speak Their Mind
If your spouse feels like a victim, cutting them off or talking over them will only make the situation worse. You may feel like you’re at the end of your rope, but it’s imperative that you let them speak without interruption as you talk through the issue, often with the help of a counselor. Constantly shutting them down only makes them feel like their victim mentality is justified. In the end, it makes everything worse.
2. Paraphrase What They Said
Victims often feel unheard. Therefore, it may be a good idea to paraphrase what they said and then repeat it back to them. If possible, validate their statement in some way. For instance, say “I know it makes you feel left out when my schedule changes unexpectedly” or something similar. You want to prove that you not only hear what is being said, but also that you acknowledge those feelings in some way.
3. Remain Calm
It can be difficult to talk through things with someone who has the victim mentality. This is because they don’t do well when it comes to taking responsibility for their own actions. You may feel like they are attacking you. In fact, the whole argument may feel very unfair and one-sided. If you can remain calm and be objective, it’s far more likely that the two of you will make some progress.
4. Provide Alternatives Without Taking Sides
You may have some success suggesting alternative options for the person who feels victimized. For example, you might provide multiple days that the two of you could do something together and allow your spouse to choose the day that works best. The important thing is to keep it objective. Do your best to avoid becoming emotional as you work through these issues with your partner.
Overcoming a Victim Mentality
This is not something you can do overnight, but it can be done. Here are three things to do to manage your relationship.
1) Change Your Mindset
The biggest step you can take is to acknowledge it, own it, and commit to conquer it.
Too often people with a victim mentality enjoy living as a victim. This makes it double-hard to overcome. But it is possible. It requires a change in mindset.
Figure out what you get out of being a victim, own it and then find ways to move forward. Sounds easy. It’s not. It’s simple, but not easy. After all, people play the victim because they get some reward from it.
This requires a great deal of conscious effort and it’s easy to backslide.
2) Keep Open and Honest Lines of Communication.
One of the most important things is keeping open and honest lines of communication with your spouse.
This means working together and not finding offense when you are ‘called out’ for drama or a negative mindset.
3) Be Honest With Yourself
If possible, work together to get to the root cause of the problem and address it directly. It could be the thing that saves not only your marriage, but your own sanity as well.
There are little known keys and principles for communcating in a way that makes you feel bonded and close to your spouse. We cover them in our Communication Bootcamp. >> Click here to learn more <<
Final Thoughts
In this article we talked about what you should do if you are married to a spouse with victim mentality.
It is often extremely challenging. Their lives are often characterized by drama, high emotionalism, and blame. The key is to balance authentic love and strong boundaries.
Summary
To recap, here are the key things we covered:
- The Signs of a Victim Mentality
- Dealing With Someone Who Plays the Victim
- Overcoming a Victim Mentality
What’s Next?
To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:
The Healthy Marriage Quiz
If you want specific help for your marriage, or you want to know your healthy marriage score, take the marriage quiz. You’ll get immediate access with suggestions on how to improve your relationship.
The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
Books, Courses, Programs and Tools designed to help you create the marriage of your dreams.
Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.
Magic Relationship Words by Susie and Otto Collins
The Devotion System This free video will show you why men pull away and what you can do to enhance your relationship.
Pins and Memes for Sharing
