Having the right priorities in marriage can make the difference between a successful and unsuccessful relationship. The problem is, most couples haven’t defined their values, so their priorities aren’t consistent.
During my university years, I learned a valuable lesson on values, priorities, and making right decisions.
When I was in college, a couple in the church I attended let me live in their trailer (across the street from their home). All I had to do was pay the property taxes. Which at the time was next-to-nothing.
This was a sweet deal for a university student on limited income.
The trailer was in nice shape. So I was a happy guy.
The couples name was Billy and Susie. I’ll leave out the last name for their privacy. They had a son my age so we hit it off and hung out quite a bit.
One day I was talking with Susie and she said something I’ve always remembered about priorities, letting go of distractions, and making sure I’m always doing what is best (not just what is good).
Here’s the conversation.
We were recruiting players for a mixed league softball team. Mixed meaning both men and women on the same team.
Susie had been a great athlete in the past, so I approached her about joining the team.
Her reply made me stop and consider many things in my life.
She said, ‘I can’t play softball. It would be wrong for me!’
I can understand not playing because of an injury. Or because of schedule conflicts. But ‘wrong’ didn’t fit my paradigm.
She explained.
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When I was younger, I played softball. All the time. It was an idol in my life. Everything I did revolved around sports. Especially softball.
When I became a Christian, I was convicted about that. It wasn’t just that it took up too much of my time. It was the fact that I loved it more than anything else in my life.
And I didn’t want that to be so.
So…
For me, joining the team would be a sin.
Those are her words.
It took me a long time to wrap my young brain around that idea.
Years later I get it.
First, my view of what sin is has matured. And become way more biblical. It’s not just the ‘bad things we do’ but the wrong priorities we hold. It’s the things we elevate to a place higher than they should be.
Second, I understand how things can quickly take the place of higher priorities.
We don’t mean for them to, but they can. And often do.
When it comes to marriage, my highest priority (outside of God) is my wife.
Funny things is, sin doesn’t have to be gross indiscretions. The little things can do more damage than you think.
Susie taught me a few valuable lessons I try to stick to in life.
Lesson 1: Know what you value.
Susie knew what mattered most for her. And she was willing to lay down other things to keep that priority intact.
Softball is not inherently bad. In itself, it is not a moral issue. But for her, it was wrong because it potentially occupied a place it shouldn’t.
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She knew this.
Most people haven’t even defined what matters to them. They bump along through life and take what comes at them. This is no way to live. At least, no way to live a good life.
I don’t always get it perfect. But I never forget what my value system is.
Lesson 2: Learn to identify the things that get in the way of your highest priorities.
This is more difficult that you think. We are blind to most of the things that keep us from the best things in life. They blind us because we enjoy them. That enjoyment can lull us to sleep spiritually (emotionally, mentally, and even physically) if we aren’t careful.
To grow into a successful person, we need to focus on our strengths; but we should also be aware of our weaknesses.
Lesson 3: Learn how to say ‘No’ even if it is misunderstood.
I could have argued with Susie that there is no bible verse that says softball is a sin.
It’s true. There isn’t.
But that doesn’t mean it isn’t a sin. Especially when we take the broad view of what sin is and does. It causes us to miss the mark (that’s one of the definitions of sin).
All that to say, there are things we will need to do that others may misunderstand. That’s OK. They don’t have to understand your convictions.
Once you know what you value, and you identify things that get in the way or sabotage those values, have the guts to walk away from them.
This is what separates strength from weakness. Healthy from unhealthy. Good from bad.
More than that, it is what separates good from best.
Don’t allow good things to keep you from the best things. And don’t allow the opinions of others to distract from you from what you value.
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Lesson 4: Make it a lifestyle.
Susie didn’t have to think about, pray about it, or ask her family about it. She just said ‘No thanks.’
She already made up her mind (long before I asked) that nothing would sway her from her conviction. Doing this made it a lifestyle choice.
When things become your lifestyle, they guide you. They are non-negotiable.
Lifestyle things take the struggle out of it. At least to some degree.
It’s like dieting. Make it a lifestyle by changing the way you view food, nourishment, and health. This removes the ‘dieting’ and turns it into a lifestyle.
It becomes a lifestyle when you orient your life around it.
Same with relationships. When your life is oriented around the right things in marriage, it takes most of the struggle out of it.
I learned a lot from my University days. I took a lot of courses (majored in theology and psychology), but the lessons on priorities I learned from Susie stuck with me.
For that I am grateful.
Wrapping It Up
What we prioritize governs our life. It guides our decisions, choices, and pursuits.
Joseph is the Editor and Creator of The Healthy Marriage site. A graduate of Samford University in Birmingham, AL with a major in Counseling and Biblical Studies. He is a certified facilitator with Prepare & Enrich.
