Marriage maintenance is a critical part of any successful marriage. By taking the time to nurture your marriage, you can ensure that your relationship remains strong and happy.
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Quick story:
Two events recently made me think about the importance of marriage maintenance.
The first took place as we headed into winter.
I took my wife’s CRV to our mechanic and had him put it on his machines to make sure there were no problems. I wanted to ensure it was ready for harsh weather and reliable through the winter.
I do this every year. In my opinion, it’s worth the money to make sure things are working properly. It goes deeper than just your regular oil change, and tire maintenance. I like for my guy to give it a good checkup so I can have peace of mind.
The second happened this past weekend.
My wife and I had to take a road trip to my hometown. My mom and dad are moving, so we went to take care of some financial matters, as well as, pack up things so we could put the house on the market.
We took my old, red Ford pickup because we were bringing some things back from their place to ours.
To get to their house, we have to cross Monteagle Mountain. It’s part of the Appalachian mountain range. It’s not a bad drive, but it does have quite an incline.
Before we left, I had the oil changed and basic maintenance done to make sure the truck was ready for the trip. I told the guy to give it a ‘once over’ to make sure there were no leaks, all the fluids were at the right levels, and everything was good for travel.
On the way up the mountain, the truck overheated and we had to pull over and let it cool down.
While sitting on the side of the road, Michelle and I started telling stories of our first cars. She told me she let the oil run out of her first vehicle and blew up the engine. I did something similar (I pushed a vehicle too hard) and blew the engine.
It only took one time for her to learn you need to maintain your automobile so it will last and run properly.
In fact, that’s one reason I had my truck serviced before we left. I wanted to make sure there were no problems that could ruin our trip.
As we often do, our conversation turned to our marriage ministry. It was easy to make the correlation of automobile maintenance to marriage. After all, relationships have to be tended and managed just like a house, an automobile, or a business. Left unattended, they deteriorate.
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There are several principles we identified as we talked about relationships.
As a car needs regular maintenance, so does your marriage. Here are 3 principles to help you understand why a marriage tune-up is good for your relationship.
Principle #1: Early Detection
It revolves around the idea of early detection. Are there small problems now that could be big problems in the future?
It’s why we get annual checkups with our physicians. We want to know if there are things we need to address now so we can avoid big problems down the road.
It only makes sense to do this in our relationship.
If we could identify potential problems BEFORE they become full-blown issues, we could address them and ‘head them off at the path.’ If we find them early, we can stop them before they get worse.
This is not done to nitpick. It’s not about putting your spouse under the microscope so you can pinpoint every little thing they do wrong. No. In fact, that is the opposite of what this is all about.
Early detection is not necessarily looking for problems. It’s identifying potential weak spots that could create problems. There is a difference and it is vital to know the distinction.
Principle #2: Get Out Of Crisis Mode
This goes along with the previous point. Too often couples only respond to crisis situations.
The only time they talk is when something is wrong.
The only time they discuss situations is after things are out of control.
The only time they get serious about their finances is when they are eyeball-to-eyeball in debt.
Most people live from problem to problem. I call this crisis mode. Because instead of doing things to keep bad things from happening, they only respond after things are bad.
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To have a healthy marriage, you must get out of crisis mode. And get into maintenance mode.
We have dear friends who regularly go to counseling for their marriage. They do not go BECAUSE they have problems, they go SO THAT they won’t have them. It’s their marriage maintenance schedule. They call it ‘fine-tuning their marriage.’ It keeps their relationship running smooth and early detects potential problems.
Principle #3: Be Proactive
Again, this goes along with the previous (with a slight distinction). Being proactive isn’t just about early detection, it is about doing things that keep you healthy and whole.
For example, you’ve probably heard the statement, ‘Readers are leaders.’ I believe that. People who read expand their capacity to think and learn.
If you want to improve your marriage, read great books and articles on marriage. Listen to podcasts. Take courses. This will expand your capacity to learn and think. It will make you a better partner.
It’s all about personal growth. If you are not growing, you are backing up. You never stay stagnant. You are always moving. The question is, ‘What direction are you moving?’ The same applies to marriage. If you are not growing in your relationship, you are losing ground. It may not seem like it at first, but in time you will notice the slippage.
A positive attitude is key in any relationship, but especially in a marriage. When you have a positive attitude, you are more likely to be happy, and when you are happy, your relationship is likely to be happier. A positive attitude also allows you to be more forgiving and understanding, both of which are important in a healthy marriage.
Listening implies you truly hear what your spouse is saying.
We all face the temptation to only hear what we want to hear or listen enough to prepare what we want to say. This is not listening.
Listening means caring about what your partner feels, thinks, and experiences. It’s focusing on what they need, not what you need.
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Make a list of things you are grateful for. This could be things like your spouse, your children, your home, your job, your health, etc. When you focus on the positive things in your life, it will be easier to have a positive attitude.
3) Find The Good
Try to find the good in every situation. No matter what happens, there is always something good that can come from it. When you focus on the good, it will be easier to have a positive attitude.
4) Guard Your Thoughts
Don’t let negative thoughts take over. If you start to feel negative, try to switch your focus to something positive. It can be difficult to have a positive attitude when you are constantly thinking negative thoughts, but it is possible if you make a concerted effort.
5) Get Positive Input
Surround yourself with positive people. When you have positive people in your life, it will be easier to have a positive attitude. Negative people can be draining and can make it difficult to stay positive.
Practical Steps To Maintain Your Relationship
Every marriage needs an occasional tune-up. Here are practical steps to maintain a healthy relationship.
1) Create Time To Discuss Your Relationship
I’m amazed at the number of couples who do not set aside time to talk about their relationship.
I realize we all live busy lives, but your marriage is the most important relationship in your life. It deserves time and attention.
The first step in creating a maintenance plan is to put it on the calendar. This doesn’t mean it has to be ‘official’ or overly serious. It simply means you are raising the level of its importance by making sure.
2. Communicate Without Criticism
In any relationship, constructive criticism is always welcome. It can help us to improve and grow as individuals. However, when criticism is used in a destructive way, it can damage our relationship with the person who is giving the criticism.
Constructive criticism is usually given in a respectful way, and the person receiving the criticism is usually open to hearing it. However, destructive criticism is often given in a way that is disrespectful and hurtful. The person receiving the criticism may feel attacked, and may not be open to hearing it.
Five things destructive criticism does to your marriage:
When we are constantly being criticized, it can cause us to feel resentful towards our spouse. We may feel that they do not appreciate us and that all they do is find fault with us. This can lead to a lot of tension and conflict in the relationship.
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3. Makes us Defensive
If we feel that we are constantly being criticized, we will start to become defensive. We will start to feel that we have to justify every action we take, and we will be less likely to take advice from our spouse. This can lead to a lot of tension and conflict in the relationship.
4. Causes us to Doubt Ourselves
When we are constantly being criticized, we may start to doubt our own abilities. We may start to believe that we are not good enough and that our spouse is right when they say that we can do better. This can lead to a lot of self-doubts and low self-esteem.
5. Damages our Relationship
The most damaging effect of destructive criticism is that it can damage our relationship with our spouse. If we feel that our spouse is constantly attacking us and not respecting our feelings, we will start to lose trust in them. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and can ultimately damage the relationship.
3. Make A Habit Of Showing Respect
Respect is important because it is the foundation of a successful relationship. Without respect, there can be no trust, no communication, and no intimacy.
4 Ways To Show Respect
1) Listen attentively when your spouse is speaking. Do not interrupt, and do not dismiss their thoughts or feelings.
2) Avoid speaking negatively about your spouse to others. If you have a complaint, address it directly with your spouse.
How will you handle potential conflict? Do you have a plan on how you will address tough issues as they come up?
These are important aspects of maintaining balance in your relationship.
Most couples spend time planning their vacation, but they don’t have a plan for what to do when things get off balance. Knowing how you will deal with difficulties before they happen is a vital step in keeping your marriage finely tuned.
Final Thoughts On Marriage Maintenance
There are many reasons why it is important to work on maintaining your marriage. Research has shown that married people live longer than those who are single.
In this article, we discussed the basic principles for getting out of crisis mode and doing regular maintenance on your marriage.
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Joseph is the Editor and Creator of The Healthy Marriage site. A graduate of Samford University in Birmingham, AL with a major in Counseling and Biblical Studies. He is a certified facilitator with Prepare & Enrich.
