The leading causes of divorce can be difficult to pinpoint, but there are some common factors that contribute to the end of a marriage. Communication problems, financial stress, infidelity, and unrealistic expectations are often at the heart of why couples decide to split up.

 In this article, we break down the eight major causes of divorce listed by Dr. Chris Grace of Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships.

When a couple decides to divorce, it is never an easy decision. There are many different reasons why a couple may decide to divorce. Some of the reasons may be due to infidelity, financial problems, or even abuse. 

However, there are also some more common reasons why couples may decide to divorce. Here are 8 of the major leading causes of divorce.

Dr. Grace lists eight (8) reasons he hears most frequently. In the video below, he gives an overview of each point. Dr. Grace is entertaining and informative.

8 Major Causes Of Divorce

Here is the breakdown of his top 8 reasons for divorce.

1) Lack of Agreement on Big Issues and Values

Having a strong foundation of shared values is the second step in our pyramid of healthy marriage qualities. The first is trust.

Without trust, you simply cannot connect. Connection is always stronger when there are values you share with your partner.

Without trust, you simply cannot connect. Connection is always stronger when there are values you share with your partner. Share on X

According to Dr. Grace (in his practice), this is the number one reason couples split up and divorce.

In any relationship, whether it be a marriage, friendship, or business partnership, having common values is important. This is because values are a guiding force in our lives, shaping how we make decisions and choices. If two people have different values, it can lead to conflict and disagreements, as each person is coming from a different perspective.

Having common values creates a foundation of trust and respect, as both parties know that they are on the same page in terms of what is important to them. This can make communication and compromise much easier, as there is already a mutual understanding and respect for each other’s values.

Ultimately, common values are important in marriage because they provide a sense of stability and understanding. When both spouses share the same values, it can help to create a strong and lasting bond.

Sharing values means that we have common beliefs on the important issues in life. We may not agree on every issue, but we share the same basic values. This allows us to have respectful dialogue and to find common ground.

Common values include:

• Your spiritual convictions
• How to raise and discipline children
• Your money personality (how you will handle money as a couple)
• Commitment to love and honesty

A quick example may help put this in perspective:

You can disagree on your favorite vacation destination. This can always be handled by taking turns picking where you will go. 

You cannot disagree with how you spend money or save for your retirement. This can cause conflict that should be avoided by having a plan you both agree on.

You can disagree on how many children you want; sometimes this is out of your control anyway. A heartfelt discussion can resolve this issue.

You cannot disagree on whether you have children or not; this is often a dealbreaker. 

2) Inappropriate Levels of Physical Intimacy Prior To Marriage

This one was surprising to me. Dr. Grace discusses how sex before marriage (even with your current spouse) impacts marriage.

In his research (and working with clients through the Biola program), he found that couples who engaged in physical intimacy prior to marriage had less marital satisfaction than those who did not.

This is also validated by recent research in the area of premarital sex and divorce.

Nicholas H. Wolfinger identified several interesting trends: 

Divorce rates have fallen for the shrinking percent of American women who marry as virgins, and stayed essentially the same for those with one or two premarital sex partners.  Divorce rates went up the most for women with 10 plus sexual partners before marriage.

Nicholas H. Wolfinger

Galena K. Rhoades and Scott M. Stanley (University of Virginia) also recognize the role sexual activity prior to marriage plays in marriage happiness.

They asked the question: Do our premarital experiences, both with others and our future spouse, affect our marital happiness and stability down the line? 

Their findings indicate it does.

Actually, what people do before marriage appears to matter. Specifically, how they conduct their romantic lives before they tie the knot is linked to their odds of having happy marriages.

Rhoades and Stanley

This is certainly not saying everyone who has premarital sex is doomed in their marriage. It is also not saying you should live your life in shame and guilt. Please do not read into this what is not intended.

Moving past our past is an important part of everyone’s journey. 

There are several reasons sex before marriage affects the quality of your relationship:

1) A False Sense of Connection

Physical intimacy does provide emotional (and even spiritual) connections. But mainly for those who are in a married relationship.

Premarital intimacy makes you feel close but falls short of real intimacy.  Instead of developing deep (real) intimacy by getting to know each other over time, sex merely produces an intimacy based on only physical contact.

2) Guilt and Shame

Perhaps the biggest factor is guilt and shame. Many couples find it difficult to forgive themselves for violating their standards or allowing themselves to fall into the trap of sexual activity at a young age.

Also Read: Dealing With Past Baggage

3) Difficulty Handling Conflict

Difficulty and challenges in every relationship. If you’re in a relationship, you’re bound to have conflict. It’s part of being close to someone. But how you handle conflict can make or break your relationship.

If you’re constantly fighting, name-calling, or resorting to violence, it’s going to damage your relationship. Not only will it make it harder to communicate and work through problems, but it will also erode trust and respect.

On the other hand, if you’re able to handle conflict in a constructive way, it can actually make your relationship stronger. It shows that you’re able to communicate and work through problems together.

Three primary ways marital conflict takes place:

1) Avoidance

Refusing to communicate with the person you’re in conflict with. Or refusing to acknowledge there is a problem 

This happens when one partner withdraws from the situation altogether.

2) Rage and Anger

Explosive behavior never resolves conflicts; it often makes them much worse.

It usually happens when one person resorts to yelling and screaming at the other person.  It is accompanied by name-calling and personal attacks.

Also Read: The Anger Series

3) Blocking

I’m not sure if this is a ‘real’ term, but I think it explains a concept I see often with couples in conflict. It manifests when one (or both) parties refuse to listen or validate the other person.

This may occur by interrupting your spouse, making assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling, or trying to force the other person to see things your way.

4) Controlling or Dominating Partner

 One of the most important things in a marriage is mutual respect. If you’re always trying to control your partner, it’s likely that they’ll start to feel disrespected. And when there’s no respect, there’s usually no communication, which can lead to even more problems.

If you’re constantly trying to control or dominate your partner, it’s likely that you’ll end up in a constant state of conflict.

It’s important to remember that you’re not always going to agree on everything. But if you’re able to respect each other’s opinions and compromise when necessary, you’ll be much more likely to have a happy and successful marriage.

Here are 9 indicators of a controlling spouse:

1. Your spouse is always making decisions for you and never asks for your input.
2. Your spouse is always trying to control how you spend your time and who you spend it with.
3. Your spouse is always telling you what to do and how to do it.
4. Your spouse is always criticizing you and putting you down.
5. Your spouse is always trying to control your emotions and how you express them.
6. Your spouse is always trying to control your appearance and how you present yourself to the world.
7. Your spouse is always trying to control your finances and how you spend your money.
8. Your spouse is always trying to control your relationship with your family and friends.
9. Your spouse is always threatening or manipulating you into doing what they want.

 There are a few reasons why it is important to stop trying to control people. First, it is important to respect other people’s autonomy and not try to control them. Second, trying to control people often backfires and can lead to conflict. Finally, it is important to focus on our own lives and not try to control others.

5) Pornography

25% of divorced couples state that pornography played a significant role.

When pornography enters a marriage, it can have devastating effects. 

Pornography often causes a husband to become addicted and withdraw from his wife emotionally.

Many women feel insecure, jealous, and even worthless when they discover their spouse is addicted to pornography. They take it personally, even though it usually has very little to do with them.

Smart Couples (University of Florida) agrees:

Your partner’s behavior is not about you, nor is it intended to cause you pain. In fact, although this may also be hurtful, he or she will probably be very self-absorbed while coping with addiction.

Smart Couples

It can destroy communication and intimacy between a husband and wife. It can lead to financial problems and divorce.

In a study by Utah State, they list eight (8) results of pornography and its impact on marriage:

• User faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography.
• User loses interest and engages in fewer sexual experiences with partner.
• Partner may view pornography use as infidelity and a betrayal to the relationship.
• Partner feels sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use.
• Partner may feel that certain sexual activities desired by user are objectionable.
• Both user and partner have decreased emotional closeness and sexual satisfaction.
• Relationship trust decreases due to dishonesty and deception about pornography use.
• One or both partners may be concerned about children’s exposure to pornography.

Pornography is damaging to marital relationships. In a recent study, we found that the presence of pornography in the home was associated with lower levels of relationship satisfaction and higher levels of conflict among married couples.

6) Addiction and Substance Abuse

 Substance abuse and addiction destroy families by causing physical, emotional, and financial issues and devastation.

Addictions often lead to domestic violence, child abuse, and neglect. It is usually accompanied by job loss, financial instability, and homelessness. Families often struggle to cope with the physical, emotional, and financial consequences of substance abuse and addiction. 

 If you are dealing with a spouse who has substance abuse issues, it can be difficult to get them help. Denial is contributing factor in why their life is out of control.

The most important thing is to get the person into treatment as soon as possible. It’s a life-and-death situation for that individual.

 One word of warning: Many people think if they just have better communication skills things will get better. This is not an issue of communication; it is an addiction. No amount of ‘saying it’ will change anything.

I’ve watched couples get in the trap of thinking if they could just let their partner know who they feel, they would change. It never happens. The addiction clouds their thinking. Even if they do feel bad for what they are doing to the family, the addiction controls their behavior.

The answer is to get them help. And stop trying to be their savior.

7) Physical or Emotional Abuse

The latest statistics indicate one out of every four women, and one in every nine men experience domestic abuse.

Abuse comes in many forms. Physical abuse. Mental or emotional abuse. It all

It often appears as verbal intimidation and constant criticism. It is often expressed through manipulation or constant displeasure. 

Emotional abuse is often hard to spot because it can be subtle. It is a type of abuse that can have a serious impact on a person’s mental and emotional health. It can make a person feel worthless, unloved, and alone. It can also cause a person to become isolated from friends and family.

Along with this, emotional abuse can cause a person to develop anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Emotional abuse can also lead to self-harm and suicide.

Levels of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can range from rejection to threats of violence. It is usually chronic (it happens frequently and predictably) rather than acute (only happens once in a while).

Both cases are harmful. Chronic or continued psychological abuse is the most damaging.

Our recommendation: If you are in a physically abusive relationship, leave. It’s that simple. Statistics indicate it will not get better. 

If you are in an emotionally abusive marriage, get help. Depending on the level of emotional abuse

8) Untreated Mental Health Issues

There are many different types of mental illnesses that people suffer from. Some are more common than others. Depression is the most common mental health problem in the United States. There are other less common disorders such as anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia,

Mental illness can have a profound effect on marriages. One or both partners may struggle with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or another mental health condition. Mental illness can cause problems with communication, intimacy, and trust. It can also lead to financial problems and disagreements about parenting.

Mental illness is often similar to addiction issues. Many of the same characteristics manifest in both.

• A mental illness is a condition that affects a person’s thinking, feeling, or mood.
• They may experience feelings of anxiety, depression, hopelessness, or anger.
• They may have difficulty sleeping or concentrating.
• They may feel like they are in a fog.
• They may have intrusive thoughts or images.
• They may hear voices.
• They may believe things that are not true.
• They may act in ways that are out of character.

If you’re struggling with mental illness, it’s important to seek help from a mental health professional. Marriage counseling can also be helpful. With treatment, many couples are able to overcome the challenges posed by mental illness and enjoy a healthy and happy marriage.

How Often Is Infidelity The Cause Of Divorce?

I was surprised by Dr. Grace’s findings on the common causes of divorce; infidelity was not mentioned.

Some studies indicate 40% of first marriages (in the US) end in divorce, and infidelity is cited as a primary cause in about one-third of divorce cases.

In a paper by Julie Hall, she states that 25-50% (that’s a huge gap) report infidelity as a primary cause of divorce. 

Those who separated or divorced after an affair tended to blame their separation or divorce on a variety of factors aside from extramarital affairs.

Did the infidelity occur on a whim, or did it stem from one partner’s dissatisfaction with his/her marriage? Couples may be quick to attribute a subsequent decision to divorce to infidelity because it saves them from having to face other weaknesses in the relationship or in themselves (Buunk, 1987)

Julie Hall

In other words: Infidelity is often mentioned as the cause, but there are underlying factors that kept them from reconciling following the affair.

Also Read: How To Deal With Infidelity: 11 Practical Steps

Also Read: Rebuilding Trust After Emotional Infidelity 

Final Thoughts on The Leading Causes of Divorce

Divorce happens for many reasons. In this article, we listed the eight major leading causes of divorce based on the research and work of Dr. Chris Grace of Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships.

Summary

• 8 Major Causes Of Divorce
  • 1) Lack of Agreement on Big Issues and Values
  • 2) Inappropriate Levels of Physical Intimacy Prior To Marriage
  • 3) Difficulty Handling Conflict
  • 4) Controlling or Dominating Partner
  • 5) Pornography
  • 6) Addiction and Substance Abuse
  • 7) Physical or Emotional Abuse
  • 8) Untreated Mental Health Issues
• How Often Is Infidelity The Cause Of Divorce?

What’s Next?