How Do I Deal With A Lack Of Empathy In Marriage

Lack of empathy in marriage causes emotional disconnection, disrespect, and breeds a lack of trust that damages your relationship.

Empathy means putting yourself in another person’s shoes – feeling what they feel and trying to understand their viewpoint.

Being present and engaged with someone else requires you to step outside of your own needs and feelings.

It takes skill and the ability to be “other minded” to be able to have empathy. To step out of your self and drop all of your opinions and judgments and step into the shoes of another person.

There is a scripture that says familiarity breeds contempt. The more familiar you are with someone unfortunately the more common they can become in your mind.

It’s easy to forget to listen carefully to their hurts and needs. Being familiar with your spouse you might be tempted to half-listen, especially if it’s about the same thing multiple times. This only breeds more hurt.

An active listener who leans in on a conversation is paying attention to what their spouse is saying and what concerns their spouse may have. 

The active listener is also paying attention to what isn’t being said. The empathetic spouse pays attention to their spouse’s difficulty at work or difficulties with family members or friendships. They care and show it by being present and listening.

An empathetic spouse has learned to be considerate and put their needs ahead of their spouse. The empathetic spouse doesn’t dismiss your struggle or minimize your pain.

Empathy As A Measure Of Marriage Happiness

Prior to The 1980’s, most marriage satisfaction measures revolved around a couples ability to communicate well. Research by Robert Weiss began to look at empathy as a major indicator of marital satisfaction.

Teck Seong Chee refers to Weiss’ research in a paper titled, An Analysis of Four Empathy Variables as Predictors of Marital Satisfaction, published by Western Michigan Univesity.

Weiss’ (1968 ) also includes intimacy as one of his five distinct categories of marital relationship along with social integration, opportunity for nurturant behavior, reassurance of worth and assistance. From Weiss’ perspective, intimacy is found in relationships where people feel free to express their deepest thoughts and feelings, and are assured of being understood and accepted.

A person’s deepest feelings can be expressed freely between two people, which is the highest form of intimacy in our society.

In many cases, our closest friends are our spouses, which has profound meaning for our lives.

Indicators Of Empathy 

Let’s look at some indicators that can help you identify if your spouse could up their game on empathy.

Does your spouse have empathy for others if someone is struggling? Do they demonstrate compassion towards others, or are they more judgemental in general? 

People with calloused hearts can be hardened to the needs of others. The tender-hearted spouse is sensitive not insensitive to things that hurt their spouse.

Empathetic people extend mercy. They hurt with those who hurt and weep with those who weep.

 If your spouse frequently responds to most situations from a hardened perspective with statements like: 

“They brought it on themselves.” This is their go to statement when observing someone experiencing consequences because of unwise decisions.

If they shrug and blow it off when someone says they are hurting or suffering. They might be lacking empathy. It might be a result of hard heartedness. 

Self-centered spouses are incapable of having empathy. They filter everything through themselves and how it affects them.

They lack the skill of removing themselves from being in the center. If they maximize their pain or discomfort but minimize yours and others they might be lacking empathy.

Their emotional intelligence is off. It is often the result of hard heartedness and a lack of concern, steeped in self centered thinking. 

The spouse who doesn’t listen well might appear to be listening but they are actually thinking about the next thing they want to say.

Unless they legitimately have ADD or ADHD this will cause a fracture in your communication.

Choosing to listen and act on what your spouse’s needs are is an act of love. 

If they are listening and dismissing what you need or desire they are choosing selfishness over love and empathy towards your needs.

4 Secrets To Find out If Your Spouse Is Empathetic

Here are 4 secrets to find out if your spouse has the ability to have empathy

Secret 1) Does He Pause For You?

Does He stop what He’s doing and give you his attention when you tell him something is bothering you? 

Does He ask, How can I help? What do you need from me?

Empathetic people know how (and are willing) to enter someone else’s world.

Secret 2) Is He a Narcissist?

You can’t have a relationship with a narcissist. Is He aware your experience with him is painful because He seems to be the center of everything?

 A narcissist doesn’t have the ability to learn by words, they must feel personal discomfort. Creating boundaries in your marriage allows them to feel the pain of a problem in your marriage.

Create boundaries by reciprocation. Here’s what I mean: Stop doing all the giving. Stop giving the 80% while He shows up by default with 20% to appease you. 

See what’s in his heart. Stop doing all the work that He is accustomed to in his relationship with you. 

This isn’t out of bitterness or to punish your spouse. It’s to see the real him. We teach people how to treat us and actions tell the story of their heart. See if He cares as much as you do.

 I know this sounds counterproductive but it’s not. Truth always surfaces in actions.

People invest in what they value. Words matter but actions demonstrate what or who they value and want to invest in.

Where do they land by default? Is it towards your heart or selfishly about them disregarding your needs.

If your spouse invests more in any relationship or hobby over you, you are second. What will you do if this proves true?

 It’s unrealistic for someone to want the benefits of a good spouse without being a good spouse. It’s inequitable. 

It will lead you to an impasse with every passing year which will cause the marriage to deteriorate beyond repair.

Also Read: Do You Struggle With A Self-Centered Husband?

Secret 3) Does He Show Up?

Does He show up in your relationship as much as you do?

 Be clear and say exactly what you need from him.

Don’t make your spouse guess just say it. You will live in disappointment if you are waiting on him to notice the obvious. Truth is, He might not and can’t read your mind.

Choose you if He won’t. Don’t beg him to be present in your marriage. Embrace the fact that you are worthy of love and you won’t beg for it.

Work on you. Know thyself well. Be clear with your spouse about what you desire and how you’ve experienced disappointment or hurt in the marriage. 

Your emotional well will run dry if you’re the one reading all the books, seeking help, praying over your marriage all the time. It takes two people who care equally as much.

You will eventually resent doing all the work and investing in a relationship if it’s one sided. 

Do you feel like an extracurricular activity in his life? If you don’t feel prioritized you won’t feel cared for or loved.

Secret 4) Ask if He is willing to go to individual counseling?

 Sometimes marriage counseling isn’t the answer, in fact it often isn’t. 

It’s hard work to go to personal counseling. Addressing personal issues and recognizing where we need to grow individually is humbling and eye opening.

Being our best self happens by being intentional about where we need to change. It takes humility to admit how much we need to grow. To be able to understand the way others experience us can happen when we are open and teachable.

None of us have arrived. We are all in process in life. We are all at different places of growth personally which affects our marriage. The goal is to come together and empathize with each other in our marriage.

 Final Thoughts on Lack of Empathy In Marriage

When you are empathic, you are more likely to understand your partner’s perspective and to see things from their perspective.

You are able to understand the deepest recesses of your partner’s emotional world through empathy, giving you a greater understanding of the person you are married to.

By empathizing and being present for your partner, you show him or her that you truly care about his or her wellbeing.

People who don’t have empathy are less compassionate and more judgmental.

Summary

• Empathy As A Measure Of Marriage Happiness
• Indicators Of Empathy 
• 4 Secrets To Find out If Your Spouse Is Empathetic
  • Secret 1) Does He Pause For You?
  • Secret 2) Is He a Narcissist?
  • Secret 3) Does He Show Up?
  • Secret 4) Ask if He is willing to go to individual counseling?

What’s Next?