What Mr. Rogers Can Teach Us On The Importance of Listening in Marriage

Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood

One of the big movies debuting this holiday season is A Beautiful Day in the  Neighborhood starring Tom Hanks.  It’s the story of Fred Rogers who hosted a television program for children in the late 1960’s [airing in 1968 and ran for 895 episodes] 

Fred McFeely Rogers was the star of the show. The movie starring Hanks portrays his amazing story and unique personality.

I recently saw an interview with Tom Hanks about his role in this beautiful film.  It made me think about watching the show as a child (yes, I remember it from my childhood).

When my wife and I first saw the trailer we wanted to see the movie.  After watching (and reading) several interviews with Tom Hanks about the film and what he learned while portraying Mr. Rogers, I knew I had to see it.

Hanks discusses how portraying Fred Rogers impacted his life.  He shares openly about some of the things he learned while studying for the movie.

I want to mention a few of those lessons then extract some ways we can apply them to our marriage.

Here are four lessons:

1. Focus
2. Integrity
3. Be It (Live It)
4. Listen

You can watch a recap of this lesson on our video channel.

Let’s explore…

Lesson #1: Focus

Hanks spent hours watching tapes of the Mr. Rogers television show. During those long hours viewing the screen, he learned more about his own life than he did Fred Rogers.

In a NY Times article he says:

It wasn’t just about pace, though. It was about a specificity of cadence, and an intention. When Hanks watched those tapes, he saw that Mister Rogers was “always talking to a single kid, a single person two feet on the other side of the camera screen. They said when you were talking to Fred, you felt as though you were the only person in the world that mattered to him.” (source)

What This Means For Your Marriage

Distractions abound in life.

Television. Cell phones. Work issues. Family problems. Demands of raising children.

The list is endless.

Ironically, we tend to be distracted FROM the people that matter the most. Perhaps it’s because we see them on a regular basis and our world with them is familiar; so we tend to postpone engagement instead of focus.

Distractions abound in life. Ironically, we tend to be distracted FROM the people that matter the most. Click To Tweet

Are you REALLY giving attention to your marriage?  Or do you tend to take it for granted?  It’s a question worth contemplating.

What We Can Do About It

I’ve used this statement before (many times): Sometimes to connect we need to disconnect!

Marriage should be our top priority. LINK Because of this, we need to practice disconnecting from things that bid for our attention and replace where our focus should be.

I have a friend who is a pastor of a large, growing church. When he arrives home, he takes 15-20 minutes to disconnect from work. He goes into his office. Settles in and unwinds.

I’m sure he has his ritual that helps him detox from the demands of his high stress job.

But…

After that, he leaves his cell phone in the foyer of his home and completely disconnects from work (and all other demands) so he can focus on his wife and young children.

I have a lot of respect for him BECAUSE this is an intentional act on his part to let his family know THEY are his priority.

Disconnecting from other things is the first step to connecting to your spouse.

Big Question: What do you need to ‘turn off’ so you can focus on your spouse?

Leave a comment below and let me know your answer.

Disconnecting from other things is the first step to connecting to your spouse. Click To Tweet

Lesson #2: Integrity

Being people of our word carries more weight than most of us realize.

From the same article:

Mister Rogers (was) — an uncomplicated-seeming, scandal-free man with a long career who never had to issue a public statement that included the phrase “It was a different time.” (source)

That’s a huge statement. Even though he enjoyed a long career as an entertainer and educator, he never got in ‘hot water’ for something he said or did.

I can’t think of any entertainer today we can say that about. My apologies if they are out there. They are certainly under the radar. Our culture feasts on scandal.

For Mr. Rogers to experience a career that was scandal free is amazing.  It speaks volumes of his character and integrity.

What This Means For Your Marriage

One the best ways to demonstrate integrity to our spouse (and family) is to remember the vows we made at marriage.

How well are you doing at being true to those words.

One the best ways to demonstrate integrity to our spouse (and family) is to remember the vows we made at marriage. Click To Tweet

Quick story:

I tell you this not to ‘pat myself on the back.’ But to share something I take very serious.

My wife and I both come from previous marriages. Hers was especially painful.

Broken promises. Shattered dreams. Crushed expectations.

I made her a promise when we got engaged (actually before we got engaged) that I would love her unconditionally. And I would honor her and value her as a woman.

I’ve done my best to be true to those words. I meant them. And I intend to keep them.

Occasionally she will say to me…

“You have proven to be a man of your word. You have love me well (in a good way), and you have loved me well (healing me of past wounds).”

Those words mean more to me than anything ever said to me.

My point?

Certainly not to focus on me. But to say, if you will honor your word and love your spouse the way you promised, it will change your relationship forever.

If you will honor your word and love your spouse the way you promised, it will change your relationship forever. Click To Tweet

What We Can Do About It

Begin by remembering why you fell in love in the first place.

Then remind yourself of the vows you made. Make a decision to live those vows every day.

Big Question: How do you stack up? Have you been true to your word?

Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and/or struggles.

Lesson #3: Be It [Live It]

We live in an age of grandstanding. Preaching. Social posturing.

But…

It’s all rather shallow.

Politicians expounding their ‘convictions’ on issues, yet break their campaign promises. It’s so common that nobody even expects them to follow through any more.

Fred Rogers was a different breed.

This is from an NPR interview with Tom Hanks about Rogers.

The greatest anecdote I heard about Fred was part of it was from the magnificent documentary … Won’t You Be My Neighbor? … He was an ordained minister who … never once mentioned God in any of his television programs. So here he’s got a captive audience of 2- and 3- and 4-year-olds. And if he wanted to proselytize a very specific philosophy, he could have done it. And he never did. That is the performance, I think. … He was going to be his message as opposed to speak his message.
(source)

This is closely aligned with Lesson #2 Integrity. But it takes it even a step further.

Rogers could have used his platform and notoriety to sway people. To preach AT them.   But he wanted something more.  He wanted his life to be the message.

So instead of preaching about the golden rule, he lived the golden rule.

In return, more people listened to his words because his life validated his claims.

What This Means for Your Marriage

We can’t just say ‘things’ and expect to be heard or believed. We have to demonstrate what it means to be a loving spouse. We need to be the message.

Read that again.

We need to BE the message.

This alone garners enough respect to be heard.

We can’t just say ‘things’ and expect to be heard or believed. We have to demonstrate what it means to be a loving spouse. We need to be the message. Click To Tweet

What We Can Do About It

This goes back to Lesson #2. Commit to become the message of love, honor, respect that your spouse deserves.

Big Question: Do you try to be what you need to be? Or do your words get lost in the weeds of your behavior?

Where do you need to improve? Leave a comment below and let me know.

Lesson #4: Listen [WAIT]

My wife came in my office this morning telling me about an interview with Hanks she just saw on Kelly Clarkson’s show.

The thing that impressed her the most was his comments about what he learned from while filming Mr. Rogers.

[Side Note: I’m ad-libbing a bit as I recall our conversation about the interview]

She mentioned that Hanks said one of the things that impressed him about Fred Rogers was his unique ability to truly tap in to the other person. To enter their world. To focus and really listen to THEM.

FROM THE TELEVISION INTERVIEW

Kelly asked Tom: How did playing Mr. Rogers change you as a person?

I love his answer:

“Mr. Rogers was all about listening. To invest in what the other person is saying.”

There is this acronym: WAIT

It stands for ‘Why Am I Talking?’

There have been many times when I’ve been in a circumstance where I’ve told myself to shut up and start listening.

Here’s the YouTube video where Kelly Clarkson interviews Tom about his role as Mr. Rogers and the lesson of waiting.

What This Means For Your Marriage

Let’s make a connection to marriage.

We all want to be heard. Problem is we spend most of our time trying to be heard that we fail to listen to what others are saying.

We all want to be heard. Problem is we spend most of our time trying to be heard that we fail to listen to what others are saying. Click To Tweet

This is especially true in marriage.

Seems that the closer we feel to someone, the less obligated we feel to truly listen.

It’s backwards if you think about it.

I’ve always been amazed at the men I know who treat total strangers better than their own family.

Puzzling to say the least.

However…

If we slow down. If we W.A.I.T. we will discover more about others, and more about ourselves than we ever dreamed possible.

Part of the beauty of love is discovery.

I continue to discover awesome things about my wife.

Her quirky personality. Cute mannerism’s and offbeat sense of humor make me smile.

We have a saying at our house: People are to be celebrated, not tolerated!

We have a saying at our house: People are to be celebrated, not tolerated! Click To Tweet

I feel that way about my wife. I want her to feel celebrated.

To do this means I have to W.A.I.T.

Not just wait my turn so I can talk. But to slow down, pay attention, absorb what’s she saying, and enter her world with her.

What We Can Do About It

The old adage is correct: You have two ears and one mouth. Use them proportionally.

If we spent more time listening and seeking to understand rather than just figuring out what we are going to say next, we would discover more and experience more joy, love and respect in our relationship.

Big Question: How can you put this into place in your marriage? What steps will you take to WAIT?

Wrapping It Up

After reading and watching the interviews and articles with Tom Hanks, seeing the move about Fred Rogers is on my list.

I love ‘feel good’ stories. Especially those ring of truth.

Here’s my challenge:

Think about the four lessons in this article. Here they are again:

1. Focus
2. Integrity
3. Be It (Live It)
4. Listen

How can you put these into your marriage?

What would that look like?

What area’s do you struggle in the most?

I’d love to hear your story.

Leave a comment below and let me know what you think.