How To Save My Marriage During Separation: 10 Things To Avoid At All Cost

Learn the 10 crucial things to avoid during separation to increase the chances of saving your marriage. A guide on how to save your marriage during separation.

Navigating the waters of marriage separation can be emotionally difficult, but with knowledge of the process and strategies for repair, it’s possible to come out on the other side – repaired, re-connected and refreshed. If you and your spouse are considering or in the midst of a separation, there are helpful steps to take that can save your marriage.

Learning more about marriage separation is the first step. Educating yourself on matters such as legal issues, financial matters and resolving conflicts will help prepare you for what lies ahead.

There are many things you can do (we will discuss those later) to bridge the gap and work toward reconciliation. There are also things you must avoid doing so you do not further damage your relationship.

Separation can be a difficult time in any marriage, and it is crucial for couples to take careful steps in order to maintain the potential for reconciliation. Poor choices made during the period of separation can cause irreparable damage to the marriage, possibly resulting in divorce.

By avoiding these 10 common pitfalls, you can increase the chances of saving your marriage and working towards a happier future together. These guidelines can help ensure that you are taking the necessary steps to preserving your marriage during a difficult time.

It is important to remember that a separation does not have to mean the end of your marriage, and by avoiding these mistakes, you can work towards a brighter future together.

Suggested Reading: Can A Marriage Survive Separation

10 Things To Definitely Avoid During Separation

During separation, healthy boundaries are more important than ever.

Taking the time to step back and truly understand the other person’s perspective and responsibility in this time can help prevent stress and unnecessary issue from arising.

If needed, seek assistance from professionals to help navigate sentiments, reality and the practical changes that require guidance.

It is important to think before you act during the separation process as certain steps could lead to intense emotions or additional financial implications down the line. We want to provide some tips on how to make going through a separation easier for everyone involved by helping identify what not to do.

Avoiding these pitfalls will lead towards more peace of mind during this transitional period of life. Avoid these 10 common mistakes during your separation:

1) Avoid engaging in intimate relationships with other people.

Maintaining successful separations involves making certain decisions for the best interests of all involved. Striving for emotional detachment from others can help to ensure a healthy, meaningful divorce.

A key part of managing separation is being able to protect yourself from engaging in intimate relationships with other people. Doing so eliminates potential opportunities for temptation and helps to keep distance between both parties, reducing any chance of miscommunication or false hopes.

Getting involved with somone else only creates more problems. Too often, people look to someone else to comfort them. While this seems normal, it complicates things. When you first separate, you should use that time to reflect on your relationship, and focus on getting in touch with your own emotions. Getting involved with someone else becomes a distraction.

It also limits the odds of you getting back with your spouse.

2) Avoid talking negatively about your spouse to others.

Respect is a key element of any relationship, even when it ends. When separating from a spouse or partner, it’s important to treat them with respect and avoid talking negatively about them to others.

Though it can be difficult to hold back criticism in the midst of pain, doing so will assist in fostering the relationship and potentially reconcile one day. Negative opinions expressed publicly may be damaging to both partners, leading to reverberating consequences such as reputation damage that could prevent future reconcilations.

Respect must continue between yourselves and your family members, friends and acquaintances. These individuals should remain unbiased during a separation by avoiding criticizing or bringing up past issues that are no longer relevant during current events. Maintaining this respect not only safeguards feelings but helps foster trusting relationships between all parties involved.

Communication is essential during separations; however doing this without disrespecting each other is key to its success. Respect promotes understanding which allows both partners to find common ground on which to work through their conflict.

It will also help maintain respect amongst family members, friends and acquaintances. They become the soundboard of support when things get tough so it’s essential they remain unbiased by avoiding criticism or bringing up past issues that are irrelevant to current events between yourself and your partner.

One final thing concering this: Do not use social media as a platform to express your feelings. It may be tempting to vent on Facebook or other outlets, but it’s better not to air your grievances publicly. Doing so won’t solve the issue and it could lead to even more confusion and misunderstanding.

3) Avoid engaging in substance abuse or excessive drinking.

It’s normal to feel emotional after separation. But it is important to take care of yourself and choose healthy coping strategies. Substance abuse and excessive drinking can damage your health, relationships and work performance.

It only makes reconcilation more difficult. You are only adding troubles to your existing problem.

Avoiding these activities is essential for maintaining good health and wellbeing during this difficult time.

To avoid being reminded of your partner all the time, switch up your routine and get rid of old memories so that they aren’t around as much anymore. Even if it feels hard, it will help in the long run. It’s also important to find ways to express how you’re feeling without reacting recklessly or impulsively.

Set boundaries for yourself and respect them, taking steps such as uninstalling apps associated with alcohol or deleting contacts of people you may have used drugs with in the past. Surround yourself with supportive friends or family who won’t pressure you into using drugs or alcohol when things get tough.

Avoid triggers that remind you of your partner by setting up a new routine or cleaning out old memories so that they are no longer at arm’s reach. It may be hard but staying strong will help you in the long run. It’s also important to find ways to express emotions without acting impulsively or recklessly.

4) Avoid making significant life decisions without consulting your spouse.

When you’re apart from your spouse, resist making any big life decisions without first consulting them. This includes housing choices, opportunities for employment, important investments and more.

Though not together physically, it’s still important to make sure both of you are on the same page in regards to major changes. Relying solely on your own opinion for these decisions can put strain on the relationship and further distance both of you.

Think about it this way: Any decision you make on your own will reinforce the fact that you are not together – you are separate. If you truly want your marriage to work, try to include your spouse in your major decisions. This lets them know you still see yourself as a couple.

Talking about decisions is really important when when you are seaparated. 

Navigating The Winding River

The process of saving a marriage during separation is like navigating a winding river. You must be patient and take the time to carefully navigate the twists and turns, avoiding any rocks or obstacles that may arise.

With careful navigation, you can eventually reach the end of the river and find yourself in calmer waters.

Talking helps make sure both partners are on the same page about tricky decisions that might affect their lives. That way, neither person will be surprised if something changes unexpectedly later on down the line.

When discussing complicated matters, it’s always better to talk them out rather than trying to decide alone. That way, any new questions that come up can easily be discussed and solved with help from each person’s point of view.

5) Avoid communicating through others or through lawyers instead of directly.

There are times when using a third party is important; this is usually when all efforts to reconcile have failed and the process of negotiating terms of divorce are at stake.

That said, if you deisre to reconcile (and your separation is temporary), it is always best to talk directly with each other. It may seem awkward and difficult, especially if things are tense between you. But it is better than relaying messages through friends and family.

The goal at this stage is to keep the doorway of contact and communication open.

When we do communicate directly it’s best to try to stick to whatever agreements were made before – verbal or written – so that both sides can move forward in a way that respects each other. 

The most important thing is to approach a sensitive situation together in a constructive way by gathering information from two reliable sources.

Staying clear and concise when communicating helps keep lines of understanding open between both parties. Respectful words help maintain relationships despite tough conversations that can come up between people who care about each other.

If we remember this during difficult conversations, then everyone involved will have an easier time getting through it together.

6) Avoid using your children as a bargaining tool.

Parenting can be a tricky sometimes, especially when parents decide to separate. Separation is often an emotional and upsetting time for both parents and children.

It can cause feelings of sadness, confusion, or anger in the child. To help make this stressful time easier on kids, it is important to handle it thoughtfully without causing them unnecessary hurt or stress.

One way that parents can avoid making their child stressed during a separation is by not using them as tools to bargain with one another. This means not making promises or arrangements that you do not intend to keep, like offering special privileges in exchange for something else you may want from your former partner.

Not only is this wrong because it puts pressure on the child, but it also makes it harder for them to trust both parents later on.

Also, try to maintain kindness and respect between both parents so your kid does not feel stuck in the middle of any tension between you two. This will give your child a sense of security and let them know that even though their parents are no longer together they still love each other and always have their best interest at heart.

Talk to each other about how things must proceed in order for all parties involved to feel respected and supported. Make sure boundaries are comprehendible on both sides so that no one feels disrespected or treated like a commodity.

Additionally, try to keep your emotions in check and think calmly when negotiating the custody (even if temporary) of your children. Parents should strive to come up with fair arrangements that do not disadvantage or penalize either party while showing emotional support towards the kids involved. 

A big rule of thumb (and easy mantra to remember) is: Make your keys the center, don’t put them in the middle.

When they are center, you make decisions that benefit them. When you put them in the middle they become a bargaining chip.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen couples do this. One spouse pits the children against the other parent, making the child feel torn. They should never be put in that situation.

It hurts them. And it’s selfish behavior.

Strive to keep them in the center and never put them in the middle of your struggle.

7) Avoid pushing your spouse to hard to reconcile

When things don’t seem to be going well, it’s important not to push too hard for reconciliation. This can make people feel upset and put too much pressure on them. It’s better to be understanding and let them take the time they need to work things out.

Be honest when talking about the situation with them and work together in a friendly way. You could also do small things that show your care like giving them a little gift or complimenting something they’ve done.

Listen to what they tell you without trying to push them in any particular direction. 

Many people believe that if they allow their partner to have time to process their decision and decide if they want to continue the marriage is bad for the relationship. They fear their spouse will forget about them. Or they believe time apart creates a wider gulf between them.

This is not true. Pushing too hard for a decision or reconciliation can be the thing that drives you further apart.

Yes, there is time to require a decision. But this is not always when ‘you’ think it is.

Give your spouse time to think. To process. To evaluate what they really need and want.

The exception to this rule is if your partner is living with someone else and there has been enough time for them to ‘figure things out.’ Obviously, they have made a decision. Honor it (I didn’t say honor them, but honor their decision) and move on.

If you choose to stay in this situation, the rule still stands. Do not push them to change. This only reinforces their decision to stay away.

8) Avoid neglecting your own emotional and physical needs.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with worries and become engulfed in darkness. When we ignore our physical and emotional needs, it can lead to heavier emotions like sadness or depression.

We all have needs, physical and emotional alike, that should be met for us to stay happy and healthy. Neglecting these needs can lead to an overwhelming sense of sadness, depression or unease.

Fortunately, there are ways we can take care of ourselves and lift these heavy burdens.

Self-care is key to combating these intense feelings. Taking regular breaks for yourself can help you maintain your sanity even through difficult times.

That’s why it is so important for us to be mindful of ourselves and our well-being. 

We should also remember that reaching out for help is important too. Talking with family and friends often helps us get through hard times and other avenues like counseling can prove beneficial as well. It’s never too late to start taking better care of yourself so reach out when needed!

9) Avoid ignoring the problems in your marriage and hoping they will resolve on their own.

Separation should be a time of reflection, processing, and working on yourself.

Don’t waste this opportunity to figure out what went wrong and work on things you can change.

Fixing problems in a marriage can seem overwhelming. But ignoring them and hoping they will magically resolve themselves while separated is not the answer. It takes work, understanding and communication to make progress towards resolving issues in any relationship.

Ask Yourself What Went Wrong (and Why)

To start, ask yourself what went wrong and why. Look for patterns in past arguments or issues that keep returning. Then consider whether outside help may be needed to attain resolution- such as a counselor or mediator for example.

Have Honest Conversations With Your Spouse When It’s Time

It’s understandable that the thought of having a difficult conversation can be daunting but it’s necessary to ensure a deeper understanding between both parties. Knowing how your partner thinks, feels, and works through problems can potentially foster a greater sense of connection, trust and respect within your marriage–even if the differences are irreconcilable at times.

Reminder: Don’t forget point #7 above – avoid pushing for a decision.

The goal here is to open a dialog so you can both figure out what went wrong and how you can remedy the problems.

10) Avoid holding onto grudges and not forgiving your spouse for past wrongs.

You must stop bringing up past mistakes. This only drives a deeper wedge between you and your spouse.

Forgiveness is the key to progress. If couples can’t forgive each other for past wrongs during separation, it can halt any future progress in the relationship. Even if your spouse has done you wrong, holding onto a grudge only serves to increase the pain and negativity, rather than resolving any issues.

It is often difficult to let go of a grudge but it is essential for positive healing and growing together again.

An Exercise In Forgiveness

Try this: Write your grievances down and find ways to bring about closure on these situations. Talk out any disputes constructively. Learning to let go of these hurts and wounds will determine how fast your recover and get back on track. 

Remember that holding onto resentments does not help either of you – it just endures more hurt and disappointment that ultimately in time could ruin your marriage altogether.

Work on freeing yourself from this negative spiral by renewing love and commitment towards your spouse in little daily actions and thoughtful gestures.

Try your best to move forwards without regrets; face issues head-on so that reconciliation can occur with compassion, understanding and patience from both sides. With effort, you can lay down any past uncertainty or hostility that stands between yourselves, helping create a healthier bond in your marriage for the future together.

Anger and bitterness can be paralysing. Refuse to let it consume you. Especially during a separation from your spouse, no good will come of resentment and score keeping.

Where To Start If You Want To Rebuild Your Marriage

Resurrecting romance is far from easy. But it’s possible with the right approach.

These 7 steps will help you move in the right direction.

1) Honesty must be embraced.

The courage to confront our own and each other’s feelings offers the foundation for rebuilding trust and healing wounds. When both partners are honest and open in their communication, truths can be revealed that were never visible during better times.

2) Understand your emotions and how they shape your behavior.

Making space to listen to yourself can help you gain clarity about current roadblocks and potential solutions. Turn worry into action by expressing yourself authentically to your partner, concretely outlining what you need from them.

Suggested Reading: Letting Go Of Past Baggage

3) Create an environment of safety.

One of the major keys we focus on is building trust in your relationship. Not just fidelity. That’s one level of trust. Rather, we realize emotional security (knowing your spouse makes you a priority and will sacrifice for you) is the layer of trust that is required for a healthy relationship.

You can begin doing this by distinguishing between criticism and constructive complaints. Offering gentle feedback reveals more about relationships than the occasional hard truth that caused hurt in better days.

Remember too that hope alone cannot fix a broken marriage: meaningful repair requires patient effort over time.

4) Break patterns that no longer work by refusing to slide back into old habits.

Remember, those old habits created the mess that brought about separation in the first place. Focus on building positive habits that encourage mutual growth along both spiritual and practical tracks..

Together find interests outside of each other—encourage independence and let go of expectations around being constantly connected throughout the day, no matter how much we think it reflects closeness..

5) Appreciate successes together.

Celebrate wins with romantic gestures or travel as part of creating a new chapter together entirely separate from your past problems.

Appreciation goes a long way toward building a bridge for reconciliation to take place.

6) Practice acceptance, love, and appreciation.

Returning to Love requires us to accept ourselves, and be brave enough to take a moment for self-reflection. Taking this step allows us to demonstrate what we have learned, despite pain we may have experienced in the past.

By gathering this knowledge and using it as our source of strength, we can create greater tenderness between each other.

It is human nature to feel bitterness, however when working towards a healthier relationship it is important that instead of holding on to hurt from the past, we affirm our loyalty and trust in each other’s wellbeing.

Forgiving without forgetting our mistakes becomes key here; it allows us to learn from them and move forward together into a brighter future without being held down by anything from the past.

7) Make decisions together.

We talked about this early, but it is one of the basic things you can do to keep a connection in your relationship.

Separation from your spouse is difficult and can feel overwhelming. It’s important to remember that it is only a temporary situation and there are things you can do to ease the process.

Focus on staying positive; don’t put yourself down or dwell on negative thoughts. Instead, surround yourself with supportive people and acknowledge that this too shall pass.

As much as possible, spend some time getting organized so that you can make informed choices about your future and take care of necessary tasks without feeling overwhelmed.

Don’t forget that while separation is hard, it doesn’t mean it’s the end of your relationship with your spouse forever – instead, maintain open communication channels so that you can discuss future decisions together when the right time comes.

Download our Marriage Separation Checklist to make sure your are prepared and equipped to survive during this difficult time. Click here to download.

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