How To Restart Your Marriage: Eliminating The Clutter To Increase Your Connection

Sometimes couples need a marriage reboot. Learning how to restart your marriage after a relationship crisis or problem is important. In this article, we discuss the concept of subtraction to make your marriage better.

If you’ve tried adding things to your relationship but it hasn’t worked, maybe it’s time to take some things out of your marriage. Read on to learn how.

Before we delve into the concept of subtracting things from your marriage to increase communication and connection, let me give you an example from the world of movie production.

The Waterworld Fiasco

You may not remember the movie Waterworld. It starred Kevin Costner. It never really took off. In fact, it cost $175 million to produce ($235 million when marketing costs are factored in).

It took seven years to complete. Six writers worked non the project which included 30 drafts (scripts).

Oh, and it changed directors mid-way through filming. (Source: John Forde Newsletter 10/6/2020)

In spite of all the investment of money, time, and creativity, it failed. Only grossing $88 million. That’s a loss of $147 million. In movie standards that’s a bomb.

Compare that to the classic Casablanca. It only had a $1 million budget. Sure, that was in 1942, but it is still cheap compared to standards then.

It was made in under a year. It had three weeks of rewrite (compared to seven years with Waterworld).

Most didn’t think the movie would do well, but it went on to become a film classic and won a ton of awards – Best Picture, Best Director, and — yes — Best Screenplay (technically, Best Adapted Screenplay, since there was a stage version.)

Pretty impressive.

So, what made the difference? Why would a movie that cost $1 million become a classic, while another with a $175 million budget bomb?

There are probably many reasons, but one that is often overlooked is focus.

Waterworld used tons of great writers and concept editors. Every person on the team contributed something new. The movie concept expanded dozens (if not hundreds) of times over the seven-year period.

When someone thought of something new to add, they worked to make it fit. Into the script it went. New scenes were adding continually. 

The end result was a hodge-podge of concepts, ideas, and storylines.

In contrast, Casablanca used the principle of subtraction. Instead of continually adding new ideas, they worked on eliminating anything that didn’t serve the main story.

They took out scenes instead of adding new ones.

The end result? A clean, clear story that moved the hearts of people.

By the way, if you haven’t seen it, get it and watch it with your spouse. It’s old. No cool cinematography, or bells and whistles. It’s all about the story. (Affiliate Link)

There is a moral to this tale of two movies…

Sometimes it’s not what you add to a relationship that makes it great, it’s what you subtract. Removing things often helps us focus.

Why Taking Things Out Is Better Than Adding Things

I often hear couples talk about all the things they are going to start doing together to make their marriage better.

• Start having daily devotions
• Spend more time together
• Talk more
• More date nights
• Longer vacations

The list goes on and on.

Those are all good things, but many times they fail to achieve the result you want. It tends to produce relationship overwhelm.

We have a habit of thinking addition is always the answer. If I just start doing this or that, things will get better.

Couples tend to try to add too much too quickly and it ends poorly. They have a hard time maintaining the ‘new’ schedule. It’s too simply too much to do.

Perhaps a better solution is removing things from the marriage.

My goal is not to give you a list of things you should remove from your marriage. We do have a shortlist of things to consider below.

Rather, it is to help you understand the concept of simplicity. To simplify we need to remove things that clutter our relationship.

Four reasons this is important:

1. We Tend To Add Too Many Things

Doing new things to enhance your relationship is not wrong. In fact, it can be inspiring.

The problem occurs when we add too many things.

The principle of 'less is more' applies to marriage. It is not the volume of things we do that impact our lives. It is the quality of the things we do. Share on X

The principle of ‘less is more’ applies here. It is not the volume of things we do that impact our lives. It is the quality of the things we do.

The same goes for marriage. It’s not how many things we put on our plate that creates a great relationship. It is the quality of those things.

Too many things added to our plate is actually counter-productive. We get spread too thin so we do not excel at any of the things we do.

Since quality trumps quantity (most of the time), it is important to limit the items on your list and focus on the ones that help the most.

2. Adding Too Many Things Dilutes The Effectiveness Of What We Want To Accomplish

When we try to do too many things we end up diluting all our efforts. In other words, we spread ourselves too thin (as I mentioned above) and end hurting our efforts.

Quick example:

If you desire to increase communication in your marriage, the best course of action is not to try to do everything to connect better. Rather, pick one thing you can do with all your heart and focus on that one thing.

Adding more things to your list will keep you from connecting because you have too much to do to be effective.

Instead of trying to do all the things we normally think about:

• Daily devotions
• More date nights
• Vacations

Why not find one way to connect and communicate and focus your undivided attention on that one thing.

To put it another way…

A friend once recommended that instead of reading 10 books to expand and grow, why not read one book 10 times. You will get more out of that one book if you read it ten times than you will by reading ten books one time.

Makes sense. When we focus, we increase and grow.

It works with areas of marriage as well.

3. Adding Causes Overwhelm

We are already stretched too thin. Between work, family, household chores, raising children, and trying to have a little ‘me’ time, it’s difficult to not feel the pinch.

Thinking about ways to make marriage better can feel like adding another thing to the calendar. 

The goal is not more activity. It is a deeper connection.

Removing things from the calendar is often the best course of action. It eliminates overwhelm.

4. Adding Too Much Brings Confusion

Too much change to your schedule can cause confusion.

We get used to ‘doing things’ a certain way and it can be emotionally taxing to start adding too many things to our list.

Confusion creates frustration. To remove frustration, simplify your life. Start by focusing on one thing that works, and give it your attention.

4 Things You Need To Remove To Restart Your Marriage Right

My wife likes the show Tidying Up With Marie Kondo. It’s about a woman who helps people declutter their house.

The principles she follows are simple. Decluttering gives order, peace, and clarity.

Here are a few things you can subtract from your marriage that might just put you in the winner’s circle.

1. Remove Criticism and Resentment

What we say to each other (how and what we communicate) determines the level and quality of our relationship.

If you (or your spouse) have a habit of criticizing and complaining, you reduce your relationship to a problem that has to be solved, rather than an adventure that needs to be lived.

You can restart your marriage by approaching disagreements and conflicts calmly and constructively. Before you say something hurtful that you don’t mean, take a break from the conversation if you find yourself becoming angry.

2. Stop Unreal Expectations

A report presented by Ohio State University notes the negative effect of social media on relationships.

The report (Instagram Creates Unrealistic Expectations For Society) states:

A common argument is that social media makes the world more open and provides a connection to the world. In the words of Mark Zuckerberg, the creator of Facebook, social media leads to “the empowerment of people.” This may be true, but at what cost? Instagram has positive aspects, such as exposure and community, but it also builds an unrealistic expectation for day-to-day life that slowly deteriorates the mindset of youth and adults alike.

The Department of Family Sciences at the University of Wyoming also notes how unrealistic expectations can cause problems in our relationships.

Disappointments at the practical level can easily be over-blown as relationship or basic needs conflicts. Hurts or rigid beliefs at a deep level can produce exaggerated demands for agreement or perfect behavior over practical and relationship issues. Consensus on important expectations at each level, with a willingness to work through differences, is critical to creating “workable” expectations.

From these studies, we can see that unrealistic expectations cause us to put rigid demands on our spouse because we think (believe) our spouse should behave in a certain way.

We talk about expectations here.

3. Stop Assuming

Assumptions run rampant in relationships. 

• We assume our spouse is mad if they have a bad day.
• We assume they lie if we misunderstand something they say
• We assume the worse in spite of clear evidence

Assumptions. Destroy. Communication.

Here’s why. Assuming is accepting something as being true without verification of facts.

In this video, Elaine Powell (a wonderful storyteller) shares an illustration of how making assumptions can be dangerous.

The best way to let go of assumptions is to ask questions so you understand what is being communicated.

4. Remove Old Patterns of Behavior

We all have baggage we bring into a relationship. Unfortunately, our past affects the way we see our future.

This is why it is important to get rid of the baggage in your life, so you can enjoy your marriage and create a better future.

We tend to operate on predefined programs that run in our life. Just like a computer operates based on the programs installed on it, our reactions, opinions, and beliefs are the products of what has been programmed into our minds.

To change your actions, you need to begin by changing your beliefs (the programs that run your thoughts).

Related: The Theater of the Mind 

Final Thoughts on How To Restart Your Marriage

Our natural tendency when we want to increase or improve our marriage is to add things that we think will enhance the quality of our relationship. But like the movie ‘Waterworld’ we have a tendency to over-complicate things by adding too much.

If you desire a simple route on how to restart your marriage, start by finding the things you can eliminate from your relationship. It helps you focus on the things that matter most and eliminate the things that don’t.

Brief Recap:

• Why Taking Things Out Is Better Than Adding Things
  • 1. We Tend To Add Too Many Things
  • 2. Adding Too Many Things Dilutes The Effectiveness Of What We Want To Accomplish
  • 3. Adding Causes Overwhelm
  • 4. Adding Too Much Brings Confusion
• 4 Things You Need To Remove To Restart Your Marriage Right
  • 1. Remove Criticism and Resentment
  • 2. Stop Unreal Expectations
  • 3. Stop Assuming
  • 4. Remove Old Patterns of Behavior

What’s Next?

Where To Find Help