If you’re thinking that finding the right formula for how to make your wife fall in love with you may be just as simple as following a diet plan, think again. Because what a man eats might affect his body, but the mind is a very different matter.
When it comes to the mysteries of a woman’s mushy middle, there’s a lot to know. From what to say to how to show that you care, your wife’s brain is a very confusing place. So, where do you begin? Well, read on to discover some of the most effective ways to make your wife fall in love with you.
Love is not something you can order off the internet. It’s not a toy, it’s not disposable. It’s one of the most unique emotions that humans are capable of feeling, and anyone trying to capture it in a jar or wrap it around their finger is going to find that love slips through their fingers like sand.
However, love can be expressed in different ways: care, concern for each other’s well-being and happiness (daily), kindness…And physical intimacy (every now and then).
But if a couple doesn’t have any of these components, doesn’t touch each other, doesn’t show concern for each other’s well-being, it’s going to be awfully hard for them to keep that chemical we call ‘love’ around for long.
Diagnose Your Disconnect With Your Spouse
In order to know how to reconnect with your spouse, you first need to understand why things aren’t working the way they should. Like a doctor, you have to diagnose the problem. If you fail at this point, you could do more damage.
Suppose a medical patient had cancer but the doctor diagnoses the symptoms as merely a headache. He treats the headache (symptom) but the real problem goes untreated. What do you think happens to the patient? Their problem gets worse. It could even lead to death.
This happens more than you think in marriages. People treat the symptom but fail to diagnose the real problem.
The symptoms of being disconnected from your spouse
- No communication
- Arguments or cold silence
- Criticism and/or blame
- Sex acts that are almost perfunctory
- Little or no physical contact
- Apathy or disregard for each other
- Silence when your spouse walks into a room.
You might say, “I didn’t hear you come in.” Or worse yet, the other person speaks to you but you don’t even look up from whatever you’re doing. You’re not connected in any way. This is a sign of very serious problems. If it doesn’t change soon, it will only get worse.
The Cause of the Disconnection
The symptoms help you realize something is wrong. It’s like a fever in the body. Fever is a symptom of infection (or some other root cause). Fever is not the cause; it is a symptom that lets you know something is wrong.
Conflict or lack of affection is not the cause; it is the symptom of something bigger. There are many root causes of marital problems. These seven (7) are ones that continually crop up when couples experience disconnect in their relationship.
1) Emotional Stalemate
You may not know this (because most girls won’t tell you), but women tend to lose interest in men over time. Why? Because they get bored of the same old routine. It’s like working in a cubicle rather than an exciting office with a view. They need to have some kind of emotional connection to you, something that makes them feel alive and adds variety to the monotony of day-to-day life.
And men are no stranger to this monotony, either! We need to be appreciated for more than just our physical appearance, even if we’re not exactly sure what that is just yet…But we do know that women should treat us like human beings deserving of care and respect…Not slaves at their beck and call or sex objects on which they rely on for fulfillment.
The more you allow yourself to be used, the more you are going to get used, and the sooner that feeling of needing to be loved by your wife is going to become a strong need.
Here’s the thing: women are not attracted to guys they don’t respect (and vice versa). You don’t have to rattle off life philosophies in order for her to understand that you are a receptive listener, but she needs for you two to build a connection based on mutual respect…Otherwise, it’s going to be difficult for her to feel attracted to you.
Respect communicates that you are someone who has a solid work ethic and good character…Someone she can trust and have confidence in.
Rejection says, ‘You are not good enough.
If you want to know how to make your wife fall in love with you, you want her to feel like she is worthy of your love. You’re not going to do this by implying that she is not attractive enough or saying negative things about her physical appearance.
She is looking for a guy who can accept her body the way it is, no matter how she looks in a swimsuit.
The only way to do this is by saying positive things about how you find her physically attractive. For instance: ‘I love the way your hair looks today.‘ ‘You have pretty eyes.’ ‘I like your smile.’
The more she feels like you are accepting and respecting her the way she is, the more likely she’ll be able to feel comfortable around you…And eventually, for her to begin to develop a deep emotional connection with you.
4) Acting Like Love Is Enough
Let me clarify. In one sense, love is all it takes. IF..that love acts on behalf of the other person. Love is the driving force that makes us do the things we do for the people we love.
On the other hand, too many couples think ‘romantic feelings’ equals love. So they work to the romantic feeling alive. While romance is a big part of marriage, it is not the driving force. It is one element of a happy marriage. There are others that should be considered as well.
When we get married, we assume that the love affair will continue forever. But the truth is love doesn’t conquer all. Often, what we are left with is like a Christmas tree after the holidays…It feels so lonely once the lights go out and there are no gifts to unwrap anymore.Too many couples think 'romantic feelings' equals love. So they work to the romantic feeling alive. While romance is a big part of marriage, it is not the driving force. It is one element of a happy marriage. Click To Tweet
Let’s face it; life happens. The beauty of marriage is we have someone to share life with. Marriage is a partnership that makes life better.
Sometimes, we get so caught up in making sure the romance is alive and well, we forget to be real about who we are. We try to ‘act’ the part of being in love. We allow ourselves to be deceived by our own spin on reality.
5) Codependent Behavior.
My wife often uses the phrase: Interdependent, not codependent. We are to be interdependent WITH each other, not ON each other.
Codependence happens where you’re too dependent on each other and pulls life out of you, rather than giving life to you.
It’s a good thing to rely on your wife. But relying too much on the relationship is dangerous and can lead you down a path that will lead to disappointment.Codependence happens where you’re too dependent on each other and pulls life out of you, rather than giving life to you. Click To Tweet
Yes, it is essential to focus on the relationship. But if that focus is wrong, you will find yourself in a position where you are not ready for marriage unity. You will find yourself in a place of codependence.
Stay strong and focused on your own dreams and goals to give love room to breathe. Love can only thrive when it is unencumbered by fear or neediness.
6) You Don’t See Each Other for Who You Really Are.
I have seen too many relationships where the couple does not see each other for who they really are. They see what they think, or want to be. Add to that, they also are more interested in how the other person ‘should’ be.
They get caught up in a struggle to change their partner. This struggle leads to anger, and confusion.
That person is not perfect, but neither are you. So stop trying to change them. They were not put on this earth to make you happy (if they were, there would be no point in being married). Please, realize that!
The way you think about your relationship with your wife will affect the way you treat her. If you want a marriage that is full of happiness and joy, realize that it will take work and effort on both of your parts. However, it is well worth the effort.
For a happy marriage, you need to see her as who she really is.For a happy marriage, you need to see her as who she really is. Click To Tweet
7) You’re Stuck in Your Personality Type.
Most people refer to three major personality types: introverts, extroverts, and ambiverts. I believe this is far too narrow, but I’ll use it to make a point.
What happens is that each partner behaves according to their personality type. As a result, they often miss out on the lighter and more playful side of life.
For example, an introverted husband might never spontaneously do something fun with his wife. He wants to avoid “draining” his energy by engaging in extravert-like activities like making a night out of dinner or going to a party.
I hope you get the point. We treat people based on our needs, not theirs. This can cause problems in marriage. We are unique and have individual needs, desires, and wants. A healthy partnership understands this and pays attention to the needs of our spouse.
If you want to dive deeper into this topic, we recommend several resources:
Books on Enneagram
The Five Love Languages
The Remedy For Feeling Isolated From Your Spouse
Hopefully, you have a better picture of why you feel disconnected and isolated from your spouse. You can’t properly treat a disease (problem) you haven’t identified. Now that you understand the problem, let’s talk about practical steps you can take to make your wife fall in love again.
Here are 11 steps to building a loving relationship.
Bonding takes place because we connect over real issues. This demands communication.
Unfortunately, most people reduce communication to ‘telling the truth’ or ‘doling out facts.’
Communication is more than transmitting facts. It is understanding what makes your spouse tick. Identifying with them over significant issues. We make a connection when we experience a shared event. These are the characteristics of real communication.
At the heart of communication is connection. We connect with someone because we enter their world and identify with them. This doesn’t mean we always agree. But we do always understand.
2) Find Your Common Interests
I firmly believe that when a husband and wife have the same goals and same attitude about life, they can be happy no matter what their circumstances.
If you want your wife to fall in love with you again, you need to find out what she really wants out of life. What are her dreams? Her goals? What does she enjoy doing? Then, get involved with her in achieving them.
3) Build a Long-Term Relationship
A long-term relationship is about growth. It’s about staying connected to our spouse, not getting under their skin.
You need to be able to weather the storms together. This is not about staying the same forever. It’s about knowing and understanding each other even more deeply after enduring a difficult time.
A couple of things you can do to build a long-term relationship with your wife:
1. Be her best friend.
Don’t prioritize her over your brothers or friends, but don’t neglect her either—know that you have an important role in making her feel loved and secure.
2. Stop being critical. It’s really that simple.
If you constantly criticize her, she will begin to feel self-conscious and insecure. And when she feels insecure, she will want to get away from you—which is the opposite of what you want.
3. Have fun together! Go out and try new things together!
Life is short—you deserve to enjoy it to the fullest!
4. Admit your mistakes and apologize when needed.
Nobody thinks you are perfect, so the best thing you can do is admit when you are wrong. Owning your mistakes builds trust.
5. Be a good listener.
Most women don’t want to be ‘fixed.’ They want to be heard. When you listen (with your heart), you offer the gift of caring.
6. Give compliments and encouragement.
Everyone wants to feel special. Your wife is certainly no different. Remind her why you married her.
It doesn’t need to be elaborate but it does need to be genuine.
4) Be Interested in Her World
You have to realize that a happy marriage is a two-way street. Both partners must work hard to make each other happy. It all begins with being interested in the world of the other person as much as you want her to be interested in your world.
When a man decides he wants to get married, he often loses interest in the interests he had before meeting his future wife. He becomes so focused on his girlfriend that he begins to lose interest in his hobbies and other activities that used to matter to him. He makes her his whole world.
When we get married, things change. We have to live life. Couples usually struggle as this shift happens. If your idea of love is based purely on emotional, romantic feelings, you might feel like you are falling out of love. That’s not necessarily the case.
But it does mean you have to work to reclaim the closeness you once felt. The bests way to do this is by making sure your worlds are together, not separate.
If you have pulled away and buried yourself in your work or hobbies, it’s time to reset your priorities. Hobbies aren’t bad. But they can’t take priority over your spouse. If they do, you will disconnect from your marriage.
5) Express Your Love.
This is a tough one for most people. We often look to our spouse to express love in the way we want it expressed. This leads to all sorts of problems. If we want our wife to feel like she is loved, we have to be able to express how much we love her in a way that makes her feel it and respond favorably.
Expressing love is not something you do for your wife, it’s something you do with your wife. It’s a way of communicating to your spouse that you are present and involved in the relationship.Expressing love is a way of communicating to your spouse that you are present and involved in the relationship. Click To Tweet
6) Be Present
Your wife wants to feel like she is loved by you. She knows you love her, but she wants to see it. It’s not enough to just say ‘I love you,’ or to tell her that you love her too much. Your actions (or lack of) must show that you are present in the relationship and involved in your marriage.
Being present isn’t just about geography. It’s not about being in the same room with your spouse. It’s about being engaged with them.
In the book “The 5 Love Languages,” Gary Chapman describes what he calls the five love languages. He says that all people express and perceive love in a specific way. We feel loved when we receive affirmations from our spouses in their primary love language.
The five languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch.
If you want your wife to fall in love with you again you need to be communicating with her in her primary language. How do you know what that is?
The first step is identifying your wife’s love language. The second step is understanding that you must be speaking in her language for her to feel loved by you.
Good intentions are not enough! You must actively and intentionally speak her language. This will take intentional work and discipline on your part. But, it is worth it!
7) Seek to Understand Her
This is a powerful principle that I learned from my mentor, Sandy Snow. It’s one of the practices of Christian marriage.
It is essential for a healthy marriage. The point is not to understand your wife perfectly (you will never get there). You simply work hard at understanding her more deeply. You seek first to understand, then you can be understood by your spouse.
8) Look for Opportunities to do Things Together
This may be the key to unlocking your wife’s heart. You hit the nail on the head when you describe how you feel “pinned down by everyday life.” I’m sure of it.
Women don’t want to feel like they are part of a routine or that they are being pinned down by their husbands’ lack of enthusiasm for the things that matter to them. Men and women think differently. Most men are more comfortable just hanging out with their buddies.
Look for opportunities to do things together that you can both enjoy. Do things that you both can enjoy. If you both feel fulfilled, your marriage will thrive.
9) Be 100% Open and Honest with Her at All Times
Your wife needs to feel like she can trust you completely. If she doesn’t feel like she can trust you, she will want to withdraw from you—and marriage is no place to hide. How you think about this is critical.
Maybe your wife has let her guard down and opened up to you. Maybe she has told you how she feels about a circumstance in your marriage or shared a deep, dark secret from her past.
You need to be sure that what she tells you, you don’t tell anyone else. This includes your brothers and sisters, parents, and friends. It means that when she reveals something personal or intimate to you, it must remain between the two of you.
It also means she can feel safe that you have her best interest at heart. You will never do anything to violate her trust. Building trust is the most important thing you can do to create an atmosphere for your wife to be open and loving again.
10) Be Willing to Fight
I hate fighting! I cringe at the thought of conflict. In fact, I have been accused of suppressing my feelings and trying to avoid conflict altogether.
But avoidance and suppression are not the same things. The latter is far superior to the former. It’s okay to disagree with your spouse on things—it happens in marriage.
But the problem is when one spouse avoids conflict at all costs. It’s a recipe for disaster, and you know it.
You have to be willing to fight with your wife. But not in the same way you fight with your buddies! I mean you have to fight for the right reasons—because it’s the right thing to do, not because she is being a pain or because she is spoiling your fun.
Remember, you are fighting FOR your marriage, not IN your marriage.
This is an important distinction to make. When your wife realizes you are willing to fight for the marriage, she trusts you and believes she is worth the fight.
11) Pursue Her with Your Attention and Affection
As a husband, you have a responsibility to pursue your wife. This means you have to show her that she is special to you.
You do this by your words and your actions. This is an area where most men are lacking in their pursuit of their wives. You have to show appreciation and respect for her in all aspects of the relationship. You need to show her that you want to make sure she feels loved—in every way.
Final Thoughts on How to Make Your Wife Fall in Love With You
Marriage is not good because you mixed the right ingredients and followed a recipe. Sure, there are essential things that make a relationship great. But it is not as easy as following a recipe.
If you want to know how to make your wife fall in love with you, it’s more like diagnosing a problem and treating the root issue than mixing a cake. You have to be a doctor and understand why your wife feels distant.
The simplest advice I can give you is to be the best version of yourself. Make a conscious decision to take responsibility for your actions and attitudes as an adult man.
When you understand that your wife is not just another possession or someone you can control, you will begin to see the light in your relationship. Treating each other as equals and best friends is the key to a happy marriage.
A clickable recap:
- Diagnose Your Disconnect With Your Spouse
- The Cause of the Disconnection
- The Remedy For Feeling Isolated From Your Spouse
- 1) Communicate
- 2) Find Your Common Interests
- 3) Build a Long-Term Relationship
- 4) Be Interested in Her World
- 5) Express Your Love.
- 6) Be Present
- 7) Seek to Understand Her
- 8) Look for Opportunities to do Things Together
- 9) Be 100% Open and Honest with Her at All Times
- 10) Be Willing to Fight
- 11) Pursue Her with Your Attention and Affection
To get more help creating the marriage you desire and deserve, check out these resources:
The Healthy Marriage Quiz
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The Healthy Marriage Toolkit
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Five Simple Steps Marriage Course
Marriage doesn’t have to be complicated. In this 5 part mini series you’ll discover practical steps to redesign your marriage.
Healthy Marriage Courses
Our courses will help you build a strong marriage. Each course is designed to meet a specific relationship need.
If you are having serious marriage struggles, we recommend starting with ‘Save the Marriage System‘ by Lee Baucom.