How To Make A Better Marriage: One Concept You Need To Understand

There is one concept couples need to understand on how to make a better marriage. If you miss this, your chances of fulfillment go down drastically.

In this article, we drill down and identify this one concept and offer practical solutions to get back on track.

Article At A Glance

• How ingenuity and invention can help you build a connection bridge in your relationship
• Three questions every couple should ask themselves
• Why knowing your spouses biggest dreams and desires is the fuel for a great marriage

The question we get asked most often is ‘how to make a better marriage?…how to create the marriage I always dreamed about?’

The one big concept every couple should know is:

Discover your spouses dreams, desires, needs, and wants, then help them reach those dreams. Do this and your marriage will flourish.

This was the mantra of Zig Ziglar. He often quipped, ‘You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.’

Makes sense. We enter marriage because we want to share life with our partner. We love them and want to experience the closeness and connection marriage promises (and yes, it should promise that).

Yet, too often we miss the mark. At some point we get off track. We stop giving and start taking; many times because our needs aren’t being met. This leads to a host of problems.

While it is normal, it shouldn’t be.

With work, we can reclaim those missing parts that leave us feeling isolated and unfulfilled.

Before we dig into this topic, I want to tell you about Mark Twain and his cats.

Hang in there; there is a moral to the story – a lesson that answers the question, ‘How can I make my marriage better?’

Mark Twain And His Cats

Mark Twain loved cats. He had 19.

He loved them so much, he wrote in his autobiography:

“Many persons would like to have the society of cats during the summer vacation in the country, but they deny themselves this pleasure… These people have no ingenuity, no invention, no wisdom; or it would occur to them to do as I do: rent cats by the month for the summer, and return them to their good homes at the end of it.”

Source

Rent a cat? Yep.

He did. On more than one occasion.

In 1906 he rented three cats from a local farmer while he was on vacation in Dublin, New Hampshire.

Why bring this up? What does it have to do with marriage?

Let me see if I can connect the dots and create a life lesson…

Three Keys To Unlock A Closed Marriage

Twain used a few words in his autobiography I think couples should pay attention to.

Especially if they want to create a more fulfilling marriage.

What words?

• Ingenuity
• Invention
• Wisdom

Those three words are key to building something lasting and meaningful.

In any area of life. But specifically in terms of marriage.

Here’s how.

Let’s take them one at a time.

Ingenuity.

His love of cats made him think outside the box.

He knew he couldn’t take his 19 cats with him on vacation, so he came up with a way to surround himself with the things he loved in spite of that limitation.

He got creative. He used his ingenuity to find a cleavor way to keep cats in his life at all times.

That’s what ingenuity is; cleverness and resourcefulness.

He may be the only person in history to ever rent a cat. But that didn’t stop him.

By thinking outside the box, he found way to get what he wanted.

Can you apply this to marriage?

Of course.

Think about this; if you desire a deeper connection with your spouse, think outside the box.

Instead of nagging, whining, and complaining, come up with creative ways to enter their world.

Ingenuity implies that we stop trying to figure out how to get them to change, and we create change that brings them into our world.

Make sense?

I hope so. It’s a key that makes marriage work.

Too often we try to force our spouse to change. When the best way to create change is to think outside the box. Find ways to enter their world, instead of demanding they enter yours.

Invention

This is similar to ingenuity yet distinct.

Twain thought outside the box, then he took his desire and married it to resourcefulness and came up with a plan.

Invention puts the desire into action. It plans the ‘how’ to get thing what you desire.

Once you think outside the box, you need a plan of action.

For Twain, he sought out a local farmer (he figured they would have cats), approached them and asked if he could rent them.

Many couples want things in their relationship; closeness, intimacy, communication, the list goes on and on.

Yet, they don’t think outside the box and come up with a way to act on their desire.

Twain invented something (I’m guessing) was never done before – renting cats.

He knew what he wanted. He faced the limitations (not being able to take his 19 cats with him), and devised a plan to get what he desired.

We can do the same.

Yes, it takes ingenuity. But it also requires us to figure out a new plan of action.

If what you are doing isn’t working; it’s time to get inventive.

Wisdom

Wisdom (at least in this sense) is bringing it all together.

I see Twain using wisdom by first believing he could get what he wanted. Then thinking outside the box.

I guess, in this case, wisdom is the belief you can attain what you thought was impossible.

It all begins there. If you do not believe it’s possible, you will sabotage your efforts subconsciously.

Making Your Marriage Better

How can you weave these together to create the marriage you desire and deserve?

First, reclaim your hope and belief.

Believe your marriage can be all it is meant to be.

I’m not talking about sticking your head in the sand and pretending everything is okay.

On the contrary. We need to face the truth about where we are. You can’t get to a new location until you first realize where you are.

Reclaiming your belief means you access your situation clearly, then trust there is a path to have a fulfilling marriage.

Remember, it all starts in your head. We cover this in detail in our Marriage Communication Bootcamp.

Second, think outside the box.

This means you have to stop trying to get your spouse to do something; instead you think of ways you can enter their world.

This is one of the biggest causes of failure I see when dealing with couples. They want to force their spouse to give them what they need, want, and desire, but fail to realize this most often backfires.

Force doesn’t work.

The key is to use your ingenuity and think of ways to enter their world.

The truth is, when you enter their world, they will welcome you and eventually enter yours.

This is spelled out more in this short video.

Finally, implement a plan.

Don’t stop at merely wishing things were different; hoping things will change.

Once you get firm in your belief and think outside the box, act on it.

Wishful thinking doesn’t change anything; action does.

Sure, you need to make sure your plan is solid, and in alignment with your values.

If you need help with this, start here.

Three Questions To Ask Yourself

These three questions will help you devise a plan to move your marriage in the right direction.

Quick disclaimer: if you are in an abusive relationship or married to a bonafide narcissist, this will not work for you. Seek professional help.

Disclaimer 2: If you use this information in a selfish way to manipulate your spouse, you will create more damage and harm your relationship. This is not about getting what you want by manipulating others; it’s about serving your spouse in a way that creates mutual respect and connection.

For all the others, here are the questions:

#1 Do you believe your marriage can be all it should be?

Don’t dismiss this question. Drill down.

Couples fall on one of two sides; they either brush it off with a ‘yes, of course’ or ‘no way, my spouse will never change.’

Those in the first camp usually believe it can improve, but hold out on it ever being everything they desire.

Those in the second camp are locked into the past and feel trapped.

Many times this is from past baggage that is unresolved.

This has to be dealt with before your belief is restored.

#2 Will you take time to think outside the box?

This is not as easy as it first appears. Thinking outside the box implies we think in a way that we do not normally think.

It requires effort, time, and focus.

But…

If you do take the time and energy to think outside the box, you will discover there are solutions to almost all issues and problems.

There is a way to create the marriage you desire. It is possible (back to number 1 on the list). You just have to focus.

Mull these thoughts over:

• Does your spouse have a hobby you could join?
• What desires does he have that you could tap in to?
• Are there ways you could show interest in him that you haven’t done before?

As you think about these, get creative and give it your full attention.

The goal is to find an access point into his heart.

#3 What can you do (will you do) to act on this new information?

This is where the rubber meets the road; it’s where you put a plan in place to build a bridge and enter their world.

Once you believe it’s possible, and you find the point of access, the next step is to act on it. Don’t just wish things were different; make them different.

What Are Their Biggest Dreams

John Gottman tells the story of a man who asked him to give him one piece of advice he could use to save his marriage. Only one. And it had to be brief.

Gottman responded:

‘Find out what your spouses dreams are, and help her reach them!’

The man immediately went home and asked his wife what she dreamed about…what her deepest dreams and desires were.

She responded, ‘I thought you would never ask!’

He then had the tools to rebuild his struggling marriage.

That’s what these questions are all about; helping you tap into what your spouse needs, wants, and desires.

When you do that, your needs, wants, and desires will be met.

Where To Find Help