Most couples want to know how to have a great marriage. There are many factors that go in to creating a healthy relationship, but one that is often overlooked is realizing it is a process, and you must enjoy it.
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Ann Handley tells an interesting story in one of her emails (dated 9/27/2020). She titles it: What I Learned About Writing from Dumpling School.
The lesson she learned applies to marriage as well.
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Ann took a course on how to make Taiwanese-American dumplings from a master chef. She describes how hard Patty (the chef) worked mixing the dough, rolling in out, and filling it with the proper stuffing. It was hard work.
She hauled buckets of flour up from the cellar, sweated as she boiled water, and moved about like a dancer from station to station. All while explaining to the students what she was doing.
At one point Patty said:
“You have to fall in love with the labor. A lot of people open restaurants because they love food. But that’s not how it works. You really have to learn to love the labor.”
Drop. The. Mic.
I’ll make the connection to marriage later. At that point, you too, will have a drop-the-mic epiphany.
But first…
In our Western culture we tend to view happiness, success, and fulfillment in future terms. It’s not necessarily that way in Eastern cultures. They are better (for the most part) at practicing ‘living in the now.’
Americans, on the other hand, like to push things out into the future.
Ask most people about happiness and they respond something to the effect of:
‘When I get that promotion at work, I’ll really be happy.’
‘When we have children, I’ll feel more like a family.’
‘When the kids are grown and gone, then we will be able to do the things that make us happy.’
See the pattern? It’s pushing happiness into the future. It makes it dependent on an unforeseeable future event. That makes happiness illusive.
Real happiness is found in ‘loving the labor.’
Road Trip To Disney Land
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Let’s say you plan a trip to Disney Land. You live on the opposite end of the country, so it will take you a few days to get there.
You are excited about having fun with your family.
But…
You hate car rides. Despise sleeping in hotels. And loath gas stations.
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You don’t want to eat at restaurants or sit all day in an automobile.
Plus, you absolutely can’t stand for the kids to ask questions all day long.
This is going to be a very long. miserable trip.
I doubt that a a day or two at Disney will make up for the days of misery traveling to and from the magic kingdom.
The point? To enjoy this vacation, you need to love the labor. In this case, the labor is traveling in the car with your family.
I hope it’s obvious how this relates to marriage. Just in case you miss it, here goes:
In order to have a great marriage, you need to fall in love with things that make a marriage great, and not just the idea of being married.
Unfortunately, many couples get married with expectations that are unrealistic. Some even damaging to the relationship.
There are good and bad expectations. Good ones are things like, expecting your spouse to be faithful, trusting your spouse will not hurt you, and knowing you can depend on them when times are tough.
Bad ones are usually connected to fantasies.
They have a picture of what they want marriage to be like, but they despise doing the things required to have that kind of marriage.
The don’t love the labor. They desire the finished product, but do not want to do the work to get there.
They are like the people who open a restaurant because they love food, but they hate everything about running a business.
They want Disney Land without the hassle of getting there.
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Unless you love the labor, marriage can be frustrating, tense and boring.
Below are a few things you need to ‘love’ if you are going to enjoy your marriage.
What It Takes To Have A Great Marriage
I could list a dozen or more items you could use as a checklist (we love checklists), but that is not my goal. Nor does it really get to the issue of laboring to make your marriage better.
Checklists can work. Often times they are distractions from the real work. They give us the false sense of doing something to make things better.
Reminds me of a conversation I had with a father who wanted advice on how to deal with his wayward son. After he brought me up to speed on what was going on, I suggested some deep work concepts to help him work through his own disappointment, and a way he could try to connect with his son. Both required what I term ‘inner work.’ Not an easy fix.
After talking for a while and explaining what I meant, he couldn’t hide his disappointment. He said,‘What I really want is just a list of things I can say to him that will make him get his act together!’
To his surprise I stated, ‘There is no such list!’
There isn’t. No checklist can replace real labor. The kind of labor required to create a great marriage. Like Patty said, ‘You have to love the labor.’
There are a handful of things you need to fall in love with if you want a truly great relationship. Larry Crabb calls these the essence of connection. (Crabb. L.)
My list is slightly different from his. His work is exceptional, but I’ve tailored my comments for married couples.
You need to fall in love with who they are. This doesn’t happen because you ask a few questions about work over dinner. It is real work. It takes time, energy and desire.
Knowing your spouse gives you opportunity to express acceptance, forgiveness, and belief in them.
Allow me to break this down:
Acceptance.
Every person craves acceptance. It’s why we do some of the dumb stuff we do. We want to feel a part of the group. Gangs capitalize on this desire. So do cults. And a host of other entities. It works because we have an internal need to feel like we belong.
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But not just belong; we want to be accepted for who we are. This implies that others see value in us.
When we offer this to our spouse, we create a deeper bond. A connection is forged that is not easily broken.
To illustrate this need for acceptance, let me tell you a story.
My sister had children before I did. Three girls.
One night we were all together having dinner. The youngest was sitting beside me. I complimented her on eating all her food (although she was merely staring at it at the moment). After a while she pulled on my shirt and said, ‘Uncle Doug, did you see how I ate all the food on my plate?’
She had eaten every bite. And…later threw up because she made herself sick.
My sister commented, ‘She wanted to make sure you approved of her, so she ate it all!’
I felt terrible. I didn’t realize my words would make her overeat and get sick.
My niece wanted my acceptance, so she did what she thought I wanted her to do.
We all crave acceptance. It drives us to do crazy things at times. We want to know we are known and accepted for who we are.
When we understand this, we have a better understanding of how we can support and encourage our spouse. Acceptance is the cure for insecurity.
You cannot create this with a checklist. It’s hard work. But the rewards are big.
This goes hand in hand with acceptance. We all blow it at times, so we need forgiveness.
Offering forgiveness creates freedom for your relationship. When we know we can and will be forgiven, it keeps us from hiding emotionally. We are free to be flawed.
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This is never an excuse for bad behavior. On the contrary, one of the ways we find the strength to live better is embracing forgiveness.
This takes work. Offering forgiveness means we run the risk of being hurt, offended, or disappointed. When we give forgiveness, we release the other person from our judgment.
Belief.
This is also tied to #1 {acceptance), but it goes deeper. There are several nuances of this idea.
First, you believe in their value. To say we believe in someone is a validation of their value. It is a statement of confidence in the person.
Second, you believe the best about them. This means you give them the benefit of the doubt.
It’s this second aspect that we should focus on (not that the first is not important, it is). This is where life gets real.
Believing the best about your spouse shows them you trust, value and appreciate them. You refuse to allow negative things to replace what you believe about them.
I hope you can see why this is not your run of the mill list of 21 things you can do to make marriage great. This takes work. It’s a work you must love in order to create the marriage you desire.
We all know the value of looking for the best in people. This principle takes it to another level. Not only are we to look for the best (which is required for a healthy marriage), we are to find delight in our spouse.
Delight is one of those words we fail to appreciate. We frequently use terms like love, appreciate, like, and fondness. But delight. We don’t hear it often.
It means a high degree of gratification or pleasure, extreme satisfaction.
This builds on the first item (discovering your spouse). It’s not enough to know them. That knowledge should produce delight. In other words, it’s not about knowing their favorite color or flower. So what if you know their favorite movie. Those things are, well, things.
Knowing your spouse should produce a sense of awe. Another word you don’t often hear related to marriage.
They should ‘feel’ we are pleased with them; that we are satisfied with them as a person. When is the last time your spouse felt you were truly enamored with them?
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One of the worst things you can do to your spouse is withhold your pleasure from them.
How Can We Offer Delight To Our Spouse?
One way is to look for the good. It’s easy to find the negative. It takes effort to see the good. Make it your intention to see the best in your spouse.
Another way is to celebrate them. One of our family motto’s is ‘every person should be celebrated, not tolerated.’
Have you ever felt like people merely tolerate you? It makes you feel like you don’t belong. Or you aren’t wanted.
Imagine if you felt this from your spouse. It’s devasting. It strips security and trust from the relationship.
When your spouse feels your delight, it releases them to become all they desire to be.
As you can tell, this takes work. It’s not something that happens overnight. And, like the dad in the story earlier, if you simply want a checklist, you will not find the real value in your spouse, and they won’t experience the delight that will set them free.
#3 Claim Opportunities To Show Grace
Someone said about grace, ‘It is not getting what you deserve, but getting something you do not deserve.’ While I think there is far more to it than that, it’s a good place to start.
It’s easy to show grace when grace isn’t needed.
In other words, it’s easy to find the good when the good is most evident. When the kids behave, it’s easy to be a great parent. However, being a great parent when they misbehave is the challenge.
Same with marriage. Being a great husband or wife is easy when our spouse draws the best out of us. What happens when things get off the rail? Do we lose it? Do we explode? Or do we seize the opportunity to show grace?
Remember our premise: How to have a great marriage. The answer is grace.
How Do You Offer Grace To Your Spouse?
Larry Crabb offers two suggestions:
First, remain calm when bad things happen. Nothing destroys unity like losing your cool.
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Side note: When we realize we are not perfect, it becomes easier to offer grace to others who aren’t.
Second, keep confident that goodness lies beneath the surface.
My wife and I have a saying, “I know where you will land!’ Here’s what it means…
Several years ago I was struggling with a disappointment. I felt betrayed, angry, and frustrated because of this particular situation. It had nothing to do with my marriage (it was business related), but it was affecting my relationship.
Knowing it was impacting Michelle, I confessed my bad attitude and apologized for allowing those things to encroach our relationship. She looked at me said:
‘Honey, I know you. I know you’ve been struggling, and I realize how hard this has been on you…but I know where you will land! When it’s all said and done, I know the type man you are, and I’m confident you will sort this out.’
Regardless of what I was going through, she knew I would make it through. That’s it means to know where your spouse will land. They may experience tough times and points of anguish, but at the end of the day, they land on their feet.
That’s a great feeling to know your spouse will land in the right place.
Michelle claimed an opportunity to show grace. She could have (and would have been justified) to let me know how I had treated her, what had hurt her, and why she was disappointed. But she didn’t. She offered grace. A grace that said, ‘I believe in you and I know you will make it through this because you are a good man.’
That makes me want to be an even better man. That’s how grace works.
Final Thoughts
Back to my original story…Ann’s lesson from the ‘Dumplin Class.’ Patty the Chef said:
“You have to fall in love with the labor.”
What it takes to have a great marriage is not just hard work; you have to love the work. The work itself needs to be something want to do because you know the rewards are great. You don’t start a restaurant because you love food; you need to love everything about the food industry. That’s the only way you will find it satisfying.
Maybe it’s time to evaluate your marriage. Do you love it? Or do you just love the idea of it? Big difference. It’s the difference between success and failure.
Yes, marriage is work. But honestly, if the labor is miserable, you will never see it through.
Successful marriages are those where both parties enjoy serving each other, and don’t consider the work a burden. They enjoy it. Because they love each other.
Struggling marriages are the opposite. They see the labor as a problem. So they aren’t willing to stay the course to make their marriage better.
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Joseph is the Editor and Creator of The Healthy Marriage site. A graduate of Samford University in Birmingham, AL with a major in Counseling and Biblical Studies. He is a certified facilitator with Prepare & Enrich.
