How to get my husband back? Find out how to get your husband back and what steps to take in order to win your husband’s love back with this practical guide. Fight for your marriage and win back your husband’s heart. Learn how to save your relationship from divorce or separation.
A reader writes:
My husband of 10 years and I have been living separate lives for the past year and a half. It has been a strange experience, but also a very sad one. We have been married for ten years and together for five years (15 total), so this is a very long time to be apart. I want my husband back. I have been looking for a way to help with the pain of this situation,
In this article, we offer a practical guide on how to get your husband to re-engage in your relationship.
In This Article
- Step #1: Know The Why
- Step #2: Get In S.H.A.P.E.
- Step #3: Build A Bridge
- Step #4: Realize Respect Is What He Wants
- Final Thoughts How To Get My Husband Back
Step #1: Know The Why
This may sound silly, even absurd, but according to Simon Sinek, Knowing why you want something is the glue that holds it together.
Here are a few “why’s” you need to address.
1) Understand Why It Fell Apart
Nothing happens in a vacuum. I remember hearing this statement as a young man. To be honest, I didn’t get it. I failed to pay attention to what it meant.
I’ve learned since then. In essence, this short statement means there is a reason for everything. Nothing (for the most part) happens by chance. It is the result of our thoughts, beliefs, and actions.
‘This means your marriage didn’t fall apart all by itself. Something happened to make it unravel. When you understand why it fell apart, you can work to fix it.
This is (in my opinion) the most important aspect of restoring your relationship. It keeps you from making the same mistakes (if you’ve made mistakes), and allows you to make intelligent decisions to undo the mess.
Perhaps the best way of finding out why he left is to simply ask. The key is to ask and listen. Not ask so you can debate or argue. Your goal here is to truly find out why things happen the way they did.
2) Know Why You Want Him Back
Why do you want your marriage to work? Is it because of family pressure? Embarrassed to go through a divorce? Or because you genuinely love him?
You may think this question is pointless, but trust me, it’s not.
Many of the couples we deal with don’t know why things fell apart or why they want them to work out. They are responding out of raw emotions instead of an understanding of deeper purpose.
3) Realize Why He Should Come Back
This may be the biggest of the why questions: why should he come back?
To answer this you need to understand why he left in the first place.
This implies that for him to come back something has to change. You need to understand what that’s something is. You can only do this by answering these three questions.
Step #2: Get In S.H.A.P.E.
Getting in shape means more than just becoming attractive again to him. That may be part of it, but it is certainly not the most important part. Part.
Let’s use the word shape as an acrostic. Each letter becomes an important part of inner transformation for your life.
1) S – Spiritual
As a Christian, I believe we are more than just a biological bundle of hormones. We are spiritual by nature.
We often approach life merely from a physical perspective. This keeps us from making the changes necessary to bring about inner transformation.
Since we are spiritual by nature, the most important work we do is inner work.
We will discuss that more in the next section. The point I want to drive home here is that since we are spiritual by nature we must build our foundation on the spiritual foundation.
Understanding who you are as a spiritual person, connecting with God’s love for you, and refusing to allow external things to define you is the beginning point of restoring your life and your relationship.
2) H – Heart
This is closely related to getting your spiritual life in order. However, there is a slight difference.
Heart has to do with your emotional state of being. If your heart is not healed, your relationship will suffer.
The biggest reason things fall apart in our life, including our relationships, is because of inner chaos. Chaos. Until this issue is resolved, things will remain the same.
You cannot create external Peace when there is internal chaos. The most important work you do to restore your relationship and get your husband back is the work that goes on in your own heart.
Please do not overlook this important step. These first two steps are the most vital.
3) A – Attitude
Your attitude toward your spouse and your attitude toward reconciliation is a key factor in restoring your relationship.
If you harbor bitterness, anger, or resentment, things will not turn out well. You will continue to contribute to the chaos that wrecked your relationship in the first place.
One way I see this play out in many couples is by trying to convince your spouse they are wrong.
Reconciliation rarely comes about by pointing out. We’re your spouse has been wrong. This usually only drives a deeper wedge in the relationship.
Your attitude concerning this will determine your actions. Your actions will either lead to restoration or further separation.
4) P – Physical
This is perhaps the most criticized part of the process. Partly because it seems superficial and petty. After all, our husband should love us regardless of our physical appearance.
I agree. Love should be based on something far deeper than physical attraction.
However, attraction is important.
Unfortunately, studies show that many men abandon the relationship because they feel like their wives “let themselves go.”
To be honest, this has less to do with physical appearance and more to do with attitude. The research seems to indicate that men want their wives to try to look their best because it signals to them that their wife is attracted to them.
I hope that makes sense. In essence, it says men believe when you take care of yourself, you’re actually attracted to them. So in a nutshell, if you let yourself go it signals you’re no longer interested in them. And that is a big signal.
There are two aspects of this:
1. Get in physical shape.
Several things happen when you take back control of your physical health.
- Feel better
- More energy
- Boost in self-esteem
2. Increase your physical intimacy
I’m assuming your relationship is civil.
Sex doesn’t fix everything. We all agree on that. But…it’s important to understand the role of sex is different in men and women.
I realize this is an overstatement, but it makes the point.
Women want physical intimacy BECAUSE they feel connected.
Men want physical intimacy TO FEEL connected.
Disclaimer: Please don’t send me nasty emails. I’m only relating what I’ve learned from conversations with hundreds of men and what the latest research indicates. Do it at what you will.
5) E – Environment
What do we mean by environment?
Have you ever walked into a room where two people were in conversation and you felt tension? You didn’t hear anything that was said but you felt the tension in the room?
That’s what I mean by environment. We usually create an environment from the first four letters in this acrostic. It’s the attitude we project.
If you project an attitude of hostility, criticism, or rejection, you will never accomplish reconciliation. Reconciliation. The two are mutually exclusive. You can’t create reconciliation through an environment of hostility.
It’s important at this stage to ask yourself what environment you project?
Do you make your spouse feel comfortable enough to share openly?
Did they feel safe telling you the truth?
Do you make them feel like they have to walk on eggshells around you?
If any of these issues are in play, you are not creating an environment that is conducive to restoration.
Here are three things that need to be immediately eliminated from the environment.
- No drama
- No criticism
- No judgment
Should this be your sole responsibility? Of course not. But reconciliation has to begin somewhere. If your husband has separated or departed emotionally, someone has to initiate the process.
If you desire to get your husband back, this is the road map. It shouldn’t all be on you, but it has to begin somewhere.
Step #3: Build A Bridge
One important key to reconciliation is to build a bridge, not a wall.
To build a bridge you need to immediately tear down any wall. H
3 Ways To Tear Down Walls
Here are three things you can do to remove the walls so your husband feels free to re-engage with you.
Hopefully, these are not things you are doing. If they are, this will help you reverse the direction your relationship is headed.
1) Do Not Get Defensive
This may be the hardest part of making this work. It’s not easy to hear what we’ve done wrong. Many times- most of the time- we could give it a defense for why we feel the way we do. Or why we’ve done what we’ve done.
This, however, rarely builds a bridge. It most often builds a wall.
Remember, the goal at this point is to listen and understand. Once you understand what’s going on in your husband’s mind, you are empowered to make changes that can bring healing to the relationship.
Being defensive only works against you.
2) Do Not Be Demanding
You will never demand your way into a healthy relationship.
Good relationships are built on trust. Trust is not gained by demanding your way, demanding your rights, or extracting something from your spouse.
It is built on mutual acceptance and love.
3) Do Not Be So Hard To Please
When you are hard to please you make it difficult for anyone to want to engage with you. This is double true for your spouse.
If you have been hard to please in the past, you need to change that environment immediately.
Here are some things you can do to construct an easy path for your spouse to take to return to you.
The goal of the bridge is to make it easy to come back, not difficult. Unfortunately, many people make it hard for their spouses to return.
3 Ways To Build A Bridge
How do you build a bridge for your relationship?
1) Give Him Space
Don’t smoother. If he says he needs space, give it to him.
Generally speaking, at this point in the crisis, he is not playing games. It’s possible he is, but unlikely. Most men (the ones I’ve dealt with) tell the truth once they make the decision to leave.
They may lie and conceal their true feelings while in the marriage, but once they take a step away, they drop their inhibitions. They are more willing to tell you exactly what they want and need.
2) Speak His Language
We often think other people want the same thing as we want. Life proves this is not the case.
It’s especially important to understand what makes one person feel loved may not be the same thing that makes another person feel loved.
We call this love language.
While I am not a huge fan of personality tests and boxed concepts of personality traits, they do serve a purpose. They are often overly simplistic and give you only a snapshot of where a person ‘is’ at that point in their life.
That said, learning your spouse’s love language is a good place to start. If you are not familiar with this concept, I recommend reading ‘The Five Love Languages (Find on Amazon).
Perhaps the best course of action is to simply ask your husband:
- What can I do for you?’
- What do you need from me so we can build a bridge for our relationship?
Most husbands will give you an honest answer IF they believe you are sincere.
3) Take Responsibility
I am not suggesting you own issues and things you are not responsible for. This is not meant to blame the victim. Rather, taking responsibility is about owning what’s next.
The opposite of responsibility is to blame others. When we place blame we relinquish the ability to change things.
For example, if it is someone else’s fault, they are the one that holds the power to change it. I am power-less.
However, if I take responsibility, I have the ability to change it.
Until we take responsibility we will not make progress.
I talk about this in detail in the article, ‘5 Rules For A Happy Marriage.‘
This doesn’t mean that you have to lay down and play dead. It’s okay to hold to your convictions and stand your ground if/when you feel misunderstood.
You do not have to take the blame for everything that went wrong. This often backfires. People usually appreciate someone who is strong in their beliefs. But they don’t want to feel bullied, criticized, and judged.
The key is to convey your thoughts and feelings in a way that is non-threatening.
The whole point of building a bridge is so you can come together. This will not happen if walls remain and your spouse sees you as a threat.
Step #4: Realize Respect Is What He Wants
Men and women often define love in different ways. They aren’t necessarily opposite of one another, but they are different.
For most men, respect is more important than anything else.
How do you demonstrate respect?
While respect looks different for every man, there are things that are common.
Three ways you can demonstrate respect to your husband.
- Value the things he does.
- Show appreciation
- Communicate from your heart.
The Repeatable Cycle
One of the reasons Michelle and I have such a good marriage is that we constantly affirm one another. This is not plastic, manipulative, or contrived. It is authentic and genuine.
Here’s the mystery. The more we express our appreciation, the more we feel appreciated. This creates a positive cycle that builds on itself.
Unfortunately, most couples we’ve worked with have a negative cycle in place. It’s simple to reverse. But it is not easy. It takes time and intention to undo the negative. Yet the more positive you are about your marriage, the more positive your relationship will become.
Final Thoughts How To Get My Husband Back
If you are separated from your spouse, or your husband simply seems to be detached from the relationship, this guide will give you practical steps to get him to reengage.
- Step #1: Know The Why
- Step #2: Get In S.H.A.P.E.
- Step #3: Build A Bridge
- Step #4: Realize Respect Is What He Wants